BP Problem

nicole_simones · December 2009

Originally I thought that my FI and I would have 5 on each side at our wedding, but he told me that he isn't going to have one of his friends for one reason or another, but I already asked a friend (whom I haven't seen in about 2 years but stay in contact via facebook and texting) to be a bridesmaid. My FI has never met her and she really isn't a huge part of our lives as the rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen are, but I would still like her to be apart of our special day, just not as a bridemaid. How do you think I would go about telling her that she isn't in the wedding party anymore, but I would like her to do something else. Would I be a bad friend for asking her to step down? Please help!

KappaK · December 2009

You do not have to have even sides. If you ask her to step down, just because you want even sides. There are very few good reasons to ask a BM to step down. IMO you wouldn't just be a horrible friend for asking her to step down, you wouldn't be a friend at all. You asked her to be a BM, if you ask her to step down, be prepared to lose her as a friend.

emilyinchile · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bp-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9170c302-f9db-429e-bb66-59216921453ePost:804bd85a-52aa-40d6-b94a-1e10dc77e376">BP Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Originally I thought that my FI and I would have 5 on each side at our wedding, but he told me that he isn't going to have one of his friends for one reason or another, but I already asked a friend (whom I haven't seen in about 2 years but stay in contact via facebook and texting) to be a bridesmaid.
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

That's totally fine, you can have uneven sides. All the cool kids are doing it these days.

[QUOTE]My FI has never met her and she really isn't a huge part of our lives as the rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen are, but I would still like her to be apart of our special day, just not as a bridemaid.
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

Your FI not knowing her has nothing to do with anything. Presumably you asked her in the first place because you care about her and want her to be a bridesmaid. Don't change how you feel about someone so that arbitrary numbers match. Don't make FI ask someone else so that you can have even sides.

[QUOTE]How do you think I would go about telling her that she isn't in the wedding party anymore, but I would like her to do something else.
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

You don't. You asked her to be a BM, you cann't go back on your word unless you want to end the friendship and have everyone else who knows about this think you're a total bridezilla (which you would be).

[QUOTE]Would I be a bad friend for asking her to step down?
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

YES.

duckie1905 · December 2009

Ditto to the others. Destroying a friendship for the sake of symmetry is so ridiculous.

CTGirl30 · December 2009

You don't ask people to be part of your WP in order to meet a quota ("We each need 5 people on our sides!") and you don't ask them to step down for any reason other than her doing something horrendous - i.e. she tries to sleep with your FI.

Presumably you ask people to be part of your WP because they are the people closest to you and you cannot imagine getting married without them standing beside you in that role. It's a way to honor friends, not to fill in spots, but it;s too late and she has been asked. Please do not unask her because there really is no nice way to do that and it's very poor etiquette. She's your friend and she's there as a BM - make the most of it and enjoy your wedding planning experience. So you'll have 5 girls on your side and your FI will have 4 guys, it sounds like. It's really not a problem.

banana468 · December 2009

Have the uneven sides. There's no nice way to say, "Because DH doesn't have the same amount, you aren't a BM."

So keep her as one and enjoy what makes the two of you unique.

mbcdefg · December 2009

If you can come up with a nice way to say, "Well, we only asked you to be in the wedding to have even sides, and now that the sides will be uneven again with you in it then you're going to have to drop out" ... I would absolutely love to hear it. Because this is an incredibly scummy thing to do to someone, no matter how cute you word it.

This is the kind of situation you will find yourself in when you use someone for a petty, selfish reason. You made your bed, now lie in it.

trix1223 · December 2009

Here's the deal: you choose who you want to stand with you. Your FI chooses who he wants to stand with him. Easy, huh?

Here's what you don't have to worry about: whether the sides are symmetrical. Whether your FI knows your BMs or whether you know his GM. Whether your BMs know his GM.

This isn't rocket science. Don't everthink it.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

You can't kick her out without looking like a huge bridezilla (and being one.)

Sides don't need to be even and including/excluding people for even sides is just a horrible thing to do.

Treat your friends better than this.

RaiKai · December 2009

You don't go about telling her, and yes you would be a bad friend for asking her to step down.

You are a bad friend for asking her if you really did not want her to be in the WP for anything other than you see her as a good friend, who you want to stand up with you while you get married. It is stupid to ask people to be in your WP on the basis of making your pictures symmetrical.

nicole_simones · December 2009

The thing is that we really aren't that close as we were. She and I didn't talk for over a year because of something really stupid. She really hasn't made any effort to be apart of my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her and want to be friends, but if she can't understand that it isn't anything personal that I don't want her to be a bridesmaid, than she wasn't that great a friend in the first place.

duckie1905 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bp-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9170c302-f9db-429e-bb66-59216921453ePost:180cbd22-7f83-41a8-9d59-b199bf096dfc">Re: BP Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is that we really aren't that close as we were. She and I didn't talk for over a year because of something really stupid. She really hasn't made any effort to be apart of my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her and want to be friends, but if she can't understand that it isn't anything personal that I don't want her to be a bridesmaid, than she wasn't that great a friend in the first place.
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

::facepalm::

If you honestly can't understand why what you want to do is so awful then please just do it and spare her the "honor" of being your friend. You want to discount the feelings of those in your life for an even number which sounds beyond superficial and rude; it is just cruel. It is personal, by the way. What you want to do is a very personal attack and a very public slight.

She deserves better than that.

banana468 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bp-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9170c302-f9db-429e-bb66-59216921453ePost:180cbd22-7f83-41a8-9d59-b199bf096dfc">Re: BP Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is that we really aren't that close as we were. She and I didn't talk for over a year because of something really stupid. She really hasn't made any effort to be apart of my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her and want to be friends, but if she can't understand that it isn't anything personal that I don't want her to be a bridesmaid, than she wasn't that great a friend in the first place.
Posted by nicole_simones[/QUOTE]

Have you made an effort to be a part of HER life?

And it isn't personal to YOU that you don't want her to be a BM which IMO is a rather crappy way to treat a so-called friend indeed.

A good friend doesn't tell a friend to step down and a statement like that is a huge cop out.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

If you felt that way, you shoudln't have asked her in the first place. But what's done is done and you still can't give her the boot.

emilyinchile · December 2009

Wow, it just got worse. First of all, you guys not being close is totally irrelevant. You should have thought of that before you asked her and only asked your closest friends. For whatever reason, you didn't, and it would be extremely rude to tell her you don't want her as a BM anymore.

How is that possibly "not personal"?! Doing this would basically be telling her that she is not important enough to be a BM - that sounds pretty personal to me. If you can't understand that it 100% IS personal, then don't try to pretend that she's the one being a bad friend.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

You know, if you are the sort of person who would ask someone you arent' that close to to be a BM for even sides, and then kick her out to even them back up, you may as well give her the boot. She deserves to see how little you really care about her or her feelings.

stina93446 · December 2009

Oh banana...SO TRUE!

You are being really inconsiderate to your so called friend, OP. It may mean a LOT to this bm that you asked her to be in your wedding. Booting someone out, no matter the reason, is a friendship ending move. If you're ok with that, by all means, kick her out. But this act will not go unseen. Whoever you've told already about your BP will know, and she may blab that you're an awful friend.

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