Am I being to vengeful?

brit_bell90 · January 2010

So here's the story. I've been engaged since last May we had a wedding planned for June of this year but realized we couldn't really afford it and had to cancel the wedding. Now out of no where, my fiance's brother proposed on Christmas Eve and everyone was essentially rubbing my face in the fact that they're getting married. I didn't even get into the door before I was asked if I wanted to be in their wedding. Everything about this drives me nuts, they both said that neither of them ever wanted to get married and if they did they would just elope. Everyone know's how upset I was that we had cancelled our wedding and I had actually talked to her about how hard it was a mere two days before she was engaged. All day at Christmas I had to hear about them being engaged and how happy they were after he proposed and she said yes he said "You're mine now bitch" and then they called everyone they knew, not tacky at all. Throughout the day they said multiple times that they'd wait at least three years. Then the next day she facebooks me telling me they're getting married in September 2011 (not 3 years at all). This led to my fiance and I getting into yet another heated discussion on how we're never going to get married, before coming to the conclussion that we can scrape together enough money for a nice wedding if we have several cutbacks. After thinking things through, I think we have a pretty decent plan, and we're getting married June 25, 2011. Do you think this sounds to vengeful? I hate to get married out of spite, but they're being pretty ridiculous. Thanks for listening to my rant if you read this

rae19 · January 2010

No offense but this is a little ridiculous. It's not a race nor a contest, it's one of the biggest decisions of your life. Do it when you're ready, based on how you want it, because hopefully it will only happen once. I don't have any siblings to rile with, but if I did I'd hope she'd be happy for me when I finally got engaged, just as I'd be happy for her.

swim1011 · January 2010

Okay, I understand how it would be painful for you to watch your fBIL get engaged while your own wedding plans were recently cancelled due to money. Yes, it sucks. But, no one else should have to put their lives on hold for your wedding, and that includes waiting to get married after you do, since you got engaged 'first'.

Seriously, if you can only 'scrape' together enough money for a wedding by June 2011, you need to take a step back and rethink your strategy. My FI and I will have had a 22 month engagement by the time we get married, bc we just couldn't afford it on a shorter time scale. I hate it, and just want a JOP wedding, but we have to deal with it.

Be happy for your fBIL and his FI, no one was trying to rub your face in their engagement ot make you feel bad. You must remember how excited and happy you and everyone else was when you got engaged. Don't ruin this for them. Also, if you can't afford the wedding by June of next year, don't do it.

Butter Cookie · January 2010

How much money do you think you need for a wedding? A marriage certificate costs $60 in my neck of the woods. Truly anything beyond that is icing on the cake.

You're getting married for the wrong reasons if it's out of spite. You do understand that marriage is a lifetime committment, yes? I mean, yes, divorce is real and happens every day but it's not something that you should consider as an out when you get married. So make sure you're getting married for the right reasons.

That being said, if you feel like you can't afford whatever you're planning you need to think smaller, more intimate. There are many blogs online to help you with planning a small yet beautiful wedding. If you want them let me know.

danieliza1127 · January 2010

Woah. First of all, you and your boyfriend can go to the courthouse and get married any time. You don't have to have a big fancy thing or spend a ton of money to actually get married.

I think all this boils down to is that you are jealous that your wedding was cancelled and now they are getting married. That's it. You can't be mad at them for getting engaged just because YOU cancelled your wedding. It's not like no one else can get married until you do. That's just immature thinking.

You and your boyfriend need to decide what's best for the two of you, period. If you really are ready to get married, then get married. If you aren't, then don't.

brit_bell90 · January 2010

Well, the reason why the wedding was cancelled in the first place was because I was planning a way over the top wedding while my FI wanted a very small wedding. We're planning on a backyard ceremony and a meal with our close friends and family, about 30 people. Then a hors d'oervers reception later on in the evening with about 70 guests. My aunt is making the cake and our wedding party is a popular local band. We're very ready to be married we've been talking about it since we met.

I guess it just bothers me how often she's told me how she never wants to get married, but the second they got engaged they had everything planned out. I guess it's worse for me because we've never gotten along and everyone in my FI family has always liked her more than me since they've been dating since they were in High School. that and we know that the only reason they're engaged is because we are, my FBIL would never propose unless he was pushed to do so.

I guess it's not like we're planning in spite, but we're compromising our wedding ideas so we can get married without having to save for years. We had considered a June wedding in 2011 before this happened since I'll be in between colleges then and it seems like good timing. I just have a grudge with her and always have.

MairePoppy · January 2010

Try to understand that everyone was excited about their engagement announcement. This is not an affront to you and your fi. If you want to get married in June 2011, do it. But I see you are only 19 and still a student. What's the hurry? You could save and still have your dream wedding when you can afford it. Their wedding date shoud not have any influence on your decision.

Ana_2985 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:49d867e8-69e1-4f67-8454-06b93820e0ec">Re: Am I being to vengeful?</a>:
[QUOTE] We're planning on a backyard ceremony and a meal with our close friends and family, about 30 people. Then a hors d'oervers reception later on in the evening with about 70 guests.
Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]

This seems really wrong to me. If you're not inviting all 70 of those guests to the reception it will seem to them that you just want gifts. They might wonder why they are good enough to spend money on you, but not to see you get married. So my advice is to re-think that.

Also, like pps said, you can't expect other people to put their lives on hold because you cancelled your wedding. Just try to be happy for your fbil and plan your wedding when it makes most sense for you and your FI.

Mrs.Thistletwat · January 2010

You need to grow up a LOT before you even think of getting married. This is a big ball of ridiculousness.

clseale13 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:49d867e8-69e1-4f67-8454-06b93820e0ec">Re: Am I being to vengeful?</a>:

Yes, yes you are. It's fine if you realize you're being a bit petty but you just want to sulk for a little while and have a pitty fest. But as others have said...do not ruin this for them. Things might not have gone your way...but it's unfair to hold that against them. You're allowed to be bummed, but this all sounded pretty ridiculous and THIS:
[QUOTE]we know that the only reason they're engaged is because we are, my FBIL would never propose unless he was pushed to do so. Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]
was probably the most ridiculous part of all.

GBCK · January 2010

You honestly think someone who has some mixed feelings about marriage is only goibng through w/ it to spite you? Wow, self centered much?

w/ your head where it is...you need a window in your stomach so you can see the world.

(and no, you don't invite everyone to the ceremony and only 1/2 for food. It's incredibly rude. You can do the reverse w/o insulting people but you feed anyone you invite.)

quotequeen · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:f70b8108-1773-4f9b-a1c8-c89c37960aa5">Am I being to vengeful?</a>:
[QUOTE]Now out of no where, my fiance's brother proposed on Christmas Eve and everyone was essentially rubbing my face in the fact that they're getting married. I didn't even get into the door before I was asked if I wanted to be in their wedding. All day at Christmas I had to hear about them being engaged and how happy they were after he proposed and she said yes he said "You're mine now bitch" and then they called everyone they knew, not tacky at all.
Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]

Asking you to be in the wedding party as soon as you arrive is not rubbing your face in anything. They are excited and they want you to be part of it - you should be honored.

[QUOTE]All day at Christmas I had to hear about them being engaged and how happy they were after he proposed and she said yes he said "You're mine now bitch" and then they called everyone they knew, not tacky at all.Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]

I'm not clear on which part of this you think is tacky? Most people call their friends and families after getting engaged.

biteme! · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:f70b8108-1773-4f9b-a1c8-c89c37960aa5">Am I being to vengeful?</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the story. I've been engaged since last May we had a wedding planned for June of this year but realized we couldn't really afford it and had to cancel the wedding. Now out of no where, my fiance's brother proposed on Christmas Eve and everyone was essentially rubbing my face in the fact that they're getting married. <strong>No, they are not rubbing it in your face. They got engaged and are happy about it. It has nothing to do with you.
</strong>I didn't even get into the door before I was asked if I wanted to be in their wedding.<strong>So because you're engage they should have kept it quiet. Totally ridiculous!
</strong> Everything about this drives me nuts, they both said that neither of them ever wanted to get married and if they did they would just elope. Everyone know's how upset I was that we had cancelled our wedding and I had actually talked to her about how hard it was a mere two days before she was engaged. All day at Christmas I had to hear about them being engaged and how happy they were after he proposed and she said yes he said "You're mine now bitch" and then they called everyone they knew, not tacky at all. <strong>So, its this what you want? Then tell your FI to call you a b!tch, that may make you happy <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /></strong>Throughout the day they said multiple times that they'd wait at least three years. Then the next day she facebooks me telling me they're getting married in September 2011 (not 3 years at all).<strong>Again, this is their life. They can get married tomorrow, so freaking what!!!</strong> This led to my fiance and I getting into yet another heated discussion on how we're never going to get married, before coming to the conclussion that we can scrape together enough money for a nice wedding if we have several cutbacks. <strong>Ah, I get it, you don't want to get married, you want a wedding...two different things my dear!</strong> After thinking things through, I think we have a pretty decent plan, and we're getting married June 25, 2011. Do you think this sounds to vengeful? I hate to get married out of spite, but they're being pretty ridiculous. Thanks for listening to my rant if you read this :)
Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]
<strong>You also mentioned that you are between colleges. This tells me that you're under 25, what is the rush? You think that if you don't get married in the next year you will never get married. That speaks volumes about your relationship. If he's THE ONE, he'll be there next year and the next and the next. You have bigger issues than the puffy dress and the food for just half of your guest (totally wrong and tacky, but I'm not even going to go there). You need to grow up. After the party you don't get to play house... you get bills and responsibilities and working on a relationship and grown up decisions...for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!, and you're obviously not ready for this step.</strong>

krmabojo · January 2010

SOME OF THESE RESPONSES ARE SO RUDE!

Anyway...

I can see why you would be mad for the fact of you just canceled your wedding and I am sure that you do not want to hear about someone else's wedding.

Try to be happy for them, your time will come.

Do not get married out of spite of just to get married and get caught up. I suggest do some more research and see where you can get deals and where you can cut costs.

SpanishMandi · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:f70b8108-1773-4f9b-a1c8-c89c37960aa5">Am I being to vengeful?</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the story. I've been engaged since last May we had a wedding planned for June of this year but realized we couldn't really afford it and had to cancel the wedding. <div><strong>Okay. So you, at the ripe old age of 19, had to postpone a wedding. Which is a decent idea anyway at that age.</strong>
<div>
</div><div>Now out of no where, my fiance's brother proposed on Christmas Eve and everyone was essentially rubbing my face in the fact that they're getting married. I didn't even get into the door before I was asked if I wanted to be in their wedding.</div><div><strong>Um, sweetheart? they don't need your permission to get engaged. And them getting excited over their engagement is not rubbing it in your face, and asking if you want to be in it isn't exactly rude. It's a nice gesture.</strong></div><div> </div><div>Everything about this drives me nuts, they both said that neither of them ever wanted to get married and if they did they would just elope. Everyone know's how upset I was that we had cancelled our wedding and I had actually talked to her about how hard it was a mere two days before she was engaged. All day at Christmas I had to hear about them being engaged and how happy they were after he proposed and she said yes he said "You're mine now bitch" and then they called everyone they knew, not tacky at all. </div><div><strong>For starters, you sure confide in this girl a lot considering she drives you crazy. I understand that it can be hard to hear about wedding plans considering that you had just postponed yours, but it's their life. It also sounds like your FBIL was joking. I would have laughed, depending on how it was said. Also, on the calling thing: that's normal. I texted everyone I knew at 130 a.m. after a midnight engagement, then called up close friends the next day. And no, this was not tacky.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Throughout the day they said multiple times that they'd wait at least three years. Then the next day she facebooks me telling me they're getting married in September 2011 (not 3 years at all).</div><div><strong>Again, so? It's their life. They do not need your approval for their life decisions. If they want to get married in just over a year, so be it. They can do whatever they damn well please</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div> This led to my fiance and I getting into yet another heated discussion on how we're never going to get married, before coming to the conclussion that we can scrape together enough money for a nice wedding if we have several cutbacks.</div><div><strong>Okay, but again, you'll be all of 20, maybe 21 by then. Where the heck is the rush? Chill down, lady. To be honest, it sounds like you threw a temper tantrum.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div> After thinking things through, I think we have a pretty decent plan, and we're getting married June 25, 2011. Do you think this sounds to vengeful? I hate to get married out of spite, but they're being pretty ridiculous. Thanks for listening to my rant if you read this :)</div><div><strong>Yes, it sounds vengeful and petty. Especially considering that your FBIL did <em>nothing</em> to <em>you</em>. I think you need to grow up if this is your M.O. for life. Marriage will be a huge wake-up call otherwise.</strong></div><div>Posted by brit_bell90[/QUOTE]

</div></div>

Shawnee11507 · January 2010

Post-pone the wedding until you graduate college. IMO it would be so much better for you and you will both be really different people by then! Then you will be ready to get a good job and afford whatever kind of wedding you want.

duckie1905 · January 2010

I don't understand how them asking you to be a part of their wedding day is shoving anything in your face. If they didn't ask you, you would probably be on here complaining that they don't want to include you.

Does it suck that they are getting married while your wedding was canceled due to money? Yes. But, the two of you can get married anytime you want for $40 at the courthouse so you aren't upset they are getting married, you are upset that they are having a wedding.

I think you are acting like a spiteful child and that you are planning this wedding for all the wrong reasons. It isn't a race and only an immature child would treat it like that.

emarston1 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-vengeful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e1d1d29b-0bec-4d5a-b2c0-04a67a69c1e1Post:e74dcc4c-9dd0-44fe-af2e-e5c84f070828">Re: Am I being to vengeful?</a>:
[QUOTE]SOME OF THESE RESPONSES ARE SO RUDE!
Posted by krmabojo[/QUOTE]

Actually they are all right on the money. Are they sugarcoated and what the OP wants to hear? No. Are they blunt and honest (and true!)? Yes.

Ditto PPs. You are being vengeful and very self centered. You are not going to win any points with the FILs by acting like a brat. Be happy for your BF's brother and put on a happy face (even if you don't feel like it.)

Also, you are 19. You are way too young to get married (despite what you may think.) Grow up, finish school, then discuss getting married. You lose nothing by waiting but you could ruin something great by rushing into it.

e_uecker · January 2010

How are they being ridiculous? By being happy that they are getting married? I also don't really think it's that tacky to call people afterwards. Maybe this was just the fire under your butt to save for a wedding. Now you have the drive to get yours paid for. Stop fighting over it though. It would be vengeful if you set your date close to theirs...but you didn't.

aintmeamanatee · January 2010

I would personally wait to start planning your wedding. If there is any reason that you are not ready (you mentioned money), wait. It is your day, it should be exactly the way you want not rushed and thrown together. Think about it since you don't like her... if you are both planning, the two of you will be chatting about your weddings ALOT, if you don't bring it up, she will. It may turn into a keeping up with the Jones' situation. If her wedding is over when you get married, she can never try to outshine you. Get married on your own terms.

Am I being to vengeful?

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