Chit Chat

Undesirable in laws & the family that goes with them.....

Help!  Hello I'm new to this but I need some sage advice.  My fiance & I are getting married June 2010.  He wanted to go away & not involve anyone....just him, myself & the 4 kids we have combined.  Although I had 2 children; this my first marriage/wedding.  I am very excited & want my friends & family (although small) there to celebrate with us.  He relented because he knows it's what I really want & now is getting excited.  My dilema is this:  HIS FAMILY IS THE WORST!!!!!  I cannot stand most of them & the feeling is mutual (so I've heard).  They gossip about me, berate me, lie & basically treat me as if they are merely tolerating me.  I have never in my life been treated so terribly by someone's family.  My fiance & I come from 2 completely different backgrounds & his family thinks I think I am better than them.  I have never, ever behaved as though I thought I was better.  No matter what I do, I can't get a break.  I have bent over backwards to fit in with them....even when I knew the things that were being said.  Everything I say is taken out of context & twinsted around.  My fiance has even noticed it & subsequently has distanced himself from them....fewer calls & visits, etc....I in no way, ever wanted that, but they are truly awful people.  They are also extremely foul mouthed (ALL of them)....no matter if there are kids around or not.  They are rude, inconsiderate, vulgar, tacky, ghetto, ill mannered...you name it. 
How am I supposed to have these people at my wedding when I know they don't even like me, so they won't really be supporting this union.  They will be faking it like they always do & I will feel like I am wasting my & my fiance's hard earned money.  We are paying for this wedding...his parents didn't even offer to help with a thing.  One of his brother's is so uncouth & ignorant...& has a girlfriend to match...that I am afraid they will somehow ruin my reception.  She will be snapping her gum & dropping F Bombs while he swears up a blue streak being as loud as he can.  We attend a church & would like to invite some of the people from there as well as the pastor & his wife (who are marrying us), I'm afraid that his family will scare them off or embarrass us to no end.  What can I do?  How should I handle it?  I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer.  Thank you.

Re: Undesirable in laws & the family that goes with them.....

  • Phew! You poor thing. 


    I can relate to some of your background. I too have 2 children & have never been married. We are having an elegant wedding with 100 people and also paying for it ourselves. However, while I suspect his sisters-in-law may have issues with me, they are always nice to me.


    Face it, his family is uncouth and downright mean. If you insist on having a  wedding with everyone present, my only advice would be to have him have a "come to Jesus" meeting with his immediate family without you present. How he gets everyone there is his business. He needs to be firm, direct, and in no uncertain terms explain this wedding is important to both of  you, you are proceeding with it in the manner and spirit of a celebration, they are to temper their attitudes and go along or not go. Period.


    Then, proceed with your plans, excluding them as much as possible. Send invitations to those that you have to, in order to keep the peace.  To your friends and family, offer a telephonic "heads up" on his family's attitudes and foul mouthed ways. I'd probably keep the guest list to adults only, other than your children. The wedding day you are planning is just a few hours of your time. Grin and bear it, and they might surprise you. Probably not, but miracles do happen.

    Off the wedding topic, sometimes the challenges life throws our way make us stronger. Your people skills will become greatly enhanced in the coming months and years!

    Good luck.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_undesirable-laws-family-goes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ecaa2950-95c5-408d-a2a1-a53f3ab6902fPost:c5b06779-c170-4c73-b991-a722a98d6ff2">Undesirable in laws & the family that goes with them.....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Help!  Hello I'm new to this but I need some sage advice.  My fiance & I are getting married June 2010.  He wanted to go away & not involve anyone....just him, myself & the 4 kids we have combined.  Although I had 2 children; this my first marriage/wedding.  I am very excited & want my friends & family (although small) there to celebrate with us.  He relented because he knows it's what I really want & now is getting excited.  My dilema is this:  HIS FAMILY IS THE WORST!!!!!  I cannot stand most of them & the feeling is mutual (so I've heard).  They gossip about me, berate me, lie & basically treat me as if they are merely tolerating me.  I have never in my life been treated so terribly by someone's family.  My fiance & I come from 2 completely different backgrounds & his family thinks I think I am better than them.  I have never, ever behaved as though I thought I was better.  No matter what I do, I can't get a break.  I have bent over backwards to fit in with them....even when I knew the things that were being said.  Everything I say is taken out of context & twinsted around.  My fiance has even noticed it & subsequently has distanced himself from them....fewer calls & visits, etc....I in no way, ever wanted that, but they are truly awful people.  They are also extremely foul mouthed (ALL of them)....no matter if there are kids around or not.  They are rude, inconsiderate, vulgar, tacky, ghetto, ill mannered...you name it.  How am I supposed to have these people at my wedding when I know they don't even like me, so they won't really be supporting this union.  They will be faking it like they always do & I will feel like I am wasting my & my fiance's hard earned money.  We are paying for this wedding...his parents didn't even offer to help with a thing.  One of his brother's is so uncouth & ignorant...& has a girlfriend to match...that <strong>I am afraid they will somehow ruin my reception.</strong>  She will be snapping her gum & dropping F Bombs while he swears up a blue streak being as loud as he can.  We attend a church & would like to invite some of the people from there as well as the pastor & his wife (who are marrying us), I'm afraid that his family will scare them off or embarrass us to no end.  What can I do?  How should I handle it?  I would appreciate any advice anyone can offer.  Thank you.
    Posted by angerieb[/QUOTE]

    The bolded statement completely contradicts your statement that you don't act like you are better than them.

    You need to realize that someone's bad actions reflect badly only on themselves.  No one will judge you for the way your in-laws behave.  Everyone knows that you can't choose your family.  You are only responsible for your own behavior.  Invite who you want to invite.  They will not judge you or your FI for the way his relatives behave.
  • I agree with this being a situation for your fiance to deal with... it's his family and he has to make the decision of whether or not he'd want them there. No matter what the day is about the two of you so don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I personally don't get along with my brother's wife... we tolerate each other for the sake of the children and for my brother but at his wedding my aunts and all my family was there... I'm getting married 3 years after my brother did and now my aunts and uncles and some cousins have passed away... they won't be there to share in our day... so remember it's 5 hours of your day... and that if his family were to pass on they'd at least never say "I didn't feel welcome to be at my son or brother's wedding"... so I say in the nicest way possible... breathe... and don't worry no one will judge you for who comes to your wedding... you will be ok and your fiance should talk to his family about what he expects from them on his wedding day... hopefully that will help
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2010
    I agree that this is your FI's battle to fight and not yours.  I also think it should be his decision whether or not they are included.

     I see a lot of things in your post that make me feel that you do think you are better than them.  You don't exactly sound tolerant of them and perhaps that is why they aren't tolerant of you.  You find them to be rude, inconsiderate, vulgar, etc. so I'm not really that surprised that they don't like you back.  Is is possible that your dislike of them came through when you were interacting with them?  No one deserves to be treated badly but consider that you might have treated them badly as well, placing the blame on everyone involved and not just them.

    Also, I find it to be really offensive that you used the term "ghetto" not just to describe his family but to describe an entire group of people that you don't approve.  Learn the meaning of words before using them.
  • I know how you feel! While his family is usually pretty nice to me, they are sooo... I don't even know the word. Everything you said.

    At the last family gathering, his aunt talked about sucking... a certain male genitalia all through dessert. Yes, there were kids. I was horrified. Oh, and his uncle showed up sober. There was no alcohol served. He left drunk and ranting like an idiot. I have no idea how. I swear he must hide liquor in his jacket.

    My advice is pretty much like the others. It's FI situation to deal with, not yours. However, I know that it's difficult. FI is totally afraid to say anything to his family because they are just that awful. Good luck!!
  • That's maybe why your fiance wanted to go away with just you guys and the kids in the first place.  It sounds like you're trying to have a big party and now your finace is in the position of having to mediate all of this.  I would think about what you're trying to impose on him by way of a party.  Maybe you should listen to him.
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