my mother and the rehearsal dinner

kmdeck26 · June 2012

My FIs parents are planning and paying for the rehearsal dinner. They are the sweetest and most kind people I know. The one thing they asked was that the rehearsal dinner just be wedding party and immediate family. They wanted it to be a symbol of my immediate family entering into his immediate family.

Here is my problem.. I have only three out-of-town family members coming in out of the many that we invited. My mother has brought it up to me three times a day, every day, for the last six months that they should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I have reminded her each time of the ONE thing FIs parents had asked for. She is always a complainer and loves to guilt-trip people. I feel like she is completely ignoring the reasoning behind the decision, and only focusing on what she wants. It has reached the point where I don't even know if it is about having them at the rehearsal dinner anymore--that it is now only about her getting her way.

I told mom I would ask them, but that the answer would still probably be no. But I feel like I don't know what to do! This has been the most stressful part of the whole wedding planning (and I have had some pretty stressful moments!)

Any thoughts on how to stay calm and get this worked out?

k8888 · June 2012

Your mom and my mom sound like they could be friends....

The only thing you can really do is just stand your ground. Your mom isn't paying for it so she really has zero say in it anyway.

LADY324 · June 2012

Maybe have your FI ask his mom for you? Just have him say hey mom I know you wanted to keep the rehearsal dinner to just immediate family and the bridal party but do you think it would be possible for us to invite so and so b/c they are going to be traveling really far to come to our wedding?

My step dad has a brother from out of state coming and staying at their house but they are not invited to our rehearsal b/c we are keeping it to just our immediate family and bridal party with their dates too.

rachael7183 · June 2012

I would stick to your guns, a rehersal dinner should be for immediate family and bridal party...I think.

ajmom2two · June 2012

Ugh...that is obnoxious. I would just not budge on it. If she asks again remind her that you have already talked about this a number of times and the answer you have already given her is not going to change, so please stop bringing it up.

Melissa.hylton · June 2012

I am having this same drama!!! My dad and step mother are paying for the rehearsal dinner. I have tried to explain to them that it doesnt have to be fancy we can do a simple pizza party but NO. my dad is the kind of person who wants to show off to people and make it seem like he is this wonderful dad when he was barely there. So I gave my dad the list of people for the RD and he protested my flower girl claiming "she doesnt count" and her mother who is my aunt. I said she counts and she is coming because she is 10 and cant drive! Then he protested my aunt Cheryl and Erin. I am getting married at THEIR house on THEIR property and Its the least my father could do to thank them. They are now coming. NOW my BM is driving up from Southern Cali with her FI. It is about an 8 hour drive. So what do I do? Say sorry I know you just drove 8hrs but now you get to sit home alone for 5 hours? FI said he should just come. BM said she would pay for him. I honestly think he should come if BM will pay for him. But I know exactly what will happen. My dad is going to make a big deal out of it or We just show up with him since he is staying at FI and I's house. My dad will pay for him and it wont be a big as deal as he would have made it if I would have asked him.

Eliz77 · June 2012

If it matters at all to you, meaning either the fact you do want those 3 people there or pleasing your mom....

What about asking Fi and FMIL what they think about having those 3 OOT included but ONLY if your mother pays for them? This is pretty much what I did. My FMIL basically requested the same thing and I only asked that my Grandparents also be invited (she wasn't planning on inviting them or FI's only living grandparent). I then told FI that if his father wanted his OOT guests invited, he (FFIL) has to pay for them, which his mother was fine with (parents are divorced).

awright1983 · June 2012

This is your mom so its your job to deal with her. She needs a firm no and to be told you will not entertain any further discussion on the matter.

KatieK501 · June 2012

If your comfortable talking to your future in-laws about it AND you also would like the out-of-town family there, then I would suggest doing that. If they still want just immediate family, suggest to your mom that if she'd like to do something with the out-of-town family, to plan something for after the rehearsal dinner.

If your not comfortable with asking, just tell your mother you want to respect their wishes and she should plan something for afterwards.

I think it's a sweet idea that your future in-laws have, though I can also understand where your mom is coming from, too. My future in-laws are paying for the RD and are the opposite of yours - they want to invite anyone and everyone who will be in from out of town. I think this is nice of them....but I'm pretty sure we're going to be too big for the room we've reserved at the restaurant, and since the wedding guest list grew beyond what FI and I had planned, I was hoping the RD would be more intimate.

kmdeck26 · June 2012

I don't think I could count the number of times I have told her "we have already been through this discussion and the answer is still the same...."

but I think I will try and get FI to ask his parents anyway. Just for one last attempt at getting her off my back.

michelle11988 · June 2012

Just tell her sorry no you can't host any more people.

We have the opposite problem, we are having anyone in town and now my parents are like oh we shouldn't invite all of them. But its my house we are hosting at so if we want to invite FI's aunts and uncles who have flown in from around the country then we will.

my mother and the rehearsal dinner

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