NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook

Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook

• prncsz member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I think it's fine as long as a couple establish their boundaries together (i.e. whether or not they will be accepting ex's as friends, what's off limits, etc) Also just remaining open and honest with each other and addressing situations early on. 

  

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• marinabreeze

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Hmmm, good stuff.
  
  1.  It may not be a personal problem she has about him reconnecting with you, and maybe at some later date it will blow over, or they'll break up and he'll be back on FB again.  I think that if the girlfriend feels the need to monitor his FB and has a problem with him having a lot of female friends, there is a serious trust issue.  That said, unless you know the inner workings of their relationship, it's hard to really judge whether or not the lack of trust is unfounded. 
  
  A friend of mine is going through something similar with her FI, but from the other side.  To make a long story short, the guy is still friends with his ex-fiancee on FB.  Recently, he has called my friend by the ex's name, will abruptly get off the phone and disappear for days at a time, claims to have "found religion" and has decided to go to church with the ex (he and the ex broke up in the first place due to religious differences), and the ex has made inappropriate comments on FB to him (not an exhaustive list).  She has insisted she speak to the ex and ask her if they are still together.  He refuses to, and so she said that if they're really done, to cut her (and other exes) off his FB.  He still refuses...he has decided to shut down his FB instead, saying that she's "trippin'."
  
  So in short, I think it's a bad sign, especially if the shutting down of FB is due to concerns over infidelity or things of that nature.  But who knows where the fault lies in terms of why the trust issues are there to begin with, though I don't understand why people stay in relationships with people they can't trust (or don't trust them...unless they have a reason not to trust you).
  
  2.  I don't have any FB friends who do this, although I have heard of people doing it.  I'm not a fan of it, for the reason you stated, and also because I think that just because you marry someone doesn't mean you cease being your own person.  I feel much the same way about shared email addresses (which I have seen somewhat more often).  .
  
  If you want to exchange PWs, that's fine, I guess.  I'm like you...my FI and I have exchanged PWs to our stuff, but we've both forgotten what those PWs are because we don't feel the need to keep tabs on each other. 

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• ellone400 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Hell to the no i do not a friend of mine just broke up with her fl over it.so we dont do face book!

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• JKeyes2011

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_nwr-discussion-trust-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8b8fdbe1-363f-4296-b6f6-bda015ee2841Post:d1ae24d3-d006-4380-9ea2-f8f2df9f7663">Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hmmm, good stuff. 1.  It may not be a personal problem she has about him reconnecting with you, and maybe at some later date it will blow over, or they'll break up and he'll be back on FB again.  I think that if the girlfriend feels the need to monitor his FB and has a problem with him having a lot of female friends, there is a serious trust issue.  That said, unless you know the inner workings of their relationship, it's hard to really judge whether or not the lack of trust is unfounded.  Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]
  
  I am pretty sure I had nothing to do with this issue and I am not particularly judging their relationship because I know a few couples who have gone through the guy or girl deleting their fb because the other person didn't want them on fb for plenty of reasons. My issue with anyone deleating their fb because someone else said so is crazy.

  
  

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• 7venAfricano member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  My man doesn't have a facebook page and if he does, I don't know about it. The way I feel about life is, if you're acting shady, I'm a check up on it. Me though, I check the phone if nothing else because well, if your man is guarding his phone like the Hope diamond, something's up- just sayin.
  
  Facebook is a wonderful thing but it is also a tragic thing. Just like email addresses, cellphones and the like. The problem is, people in general who are not trustworthy, use any medium they can to deceive and cheat, and unfortunately, facebook makes it that much easier. It's hard to explain why you're sending your ex emails HOWEVER with facebook, it's too easy to simply explain away the reason why you have your ex as a friend. There's 1000s of bogus excuses a person can come up with if their goal is to be unfaithful to their partner. The only beautiful thing about facebook is that it is slightly more transparent than places like myspace or blackplanet. If you post some slick mess that you probably shouldn't on someone's wall, everybody is going to see it. Plus, unfaithful folks are twice as likely to get caught up on facebook because many a facebook page has been left up without signing out. I have had a few friends get into with their men over their facebook accounts due to the company they were keeping online and the nature of their interactions with exes and such. Either way, whether by phone, online or at walmart- if somebody wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. Facebook or not.
  
  As for couples sharing a facebook page...smh... All I can say is, while two may become one, you're still individuals. You did not become one entity when married. You do not share one body, except when happy fun time commences and even then it STILL isn't the same as walking around in the same skin together. Facebook is free, you don't have to pay for it. Simply put- if you want to be on fb that bad, make your own page. I think it's wrong for a couple to share a facebook page simply for the fact that, before they became one, they lived separate lives. I know that I wouldn't be sending a friend messages or having instant messaging convos with them if they shared a page with their partner for the simple fact, I don't want your man (or woman) to know my business. IDK, that just doesn't sit right with me.  

  

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• banks69

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_nwr-discussion-trust-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8b8fdbe1-363f-4296-b6f6-bda015ee2841Post:c2939542-83bf-4d20-9d1d-e3876a66268c">Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook</a>:
  [QUOTE]My man doesn't have a facebook page and if he does, I don't know about it. The way I feel about life is, if you're acting shady, I'm a check up on it. Me though, I check the phone if nothing else because well, if your man is guarding his phone like the Hope diamond, something's up- just sayin. Facebook is a wonderful thing but it is also a tragic thing. <strong>Just like email addresses, cellphones and the like. The problem is, people in general who are not trustworthy, use any medium they can to deceive and cheat, and unfortunately, facebook makes it that much easier. It's hard to explain why you're sending your ex emails HOWEVER with facebook, it's too easy to simply explain away the reason why you have your ex as a friend. There's 1000s of bogus excuses a person can come up with if their goal is to be unfaithful to their partner. </strong>The only beautiful thing about facebook is that it is slightly more transparent than places like myspace or blackplanet. If you post some slick mess that you probably shouldn't on someone's wall, everybody is going to see it. Plus, unfaithful folks are twice as likely to get caught up on facebook because many a facebook page has been left up without signing out. I have had a few friends get into with their men over their facebook accounts due to the company they were keeping online and the nature of their interactions with exes and such. Either way, whether by phone, online or at walmart- if somebody wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. Facebook or not. As for couples sharing a facebook page...smh... All I can say is, while two may become one, you're still individuals. You did not become one entity when married. You do not share one body, except when happy fun time commences and even then it STILL isn't the same as walking around in the same skin together. Facebook is free, you don't have to pay for it. Simply put- if you want to be on fb that bad, make your own page. I think it's wrong for a couple to share a facebook page simply for the fact that, before they became one, they lived separate lives. I know that I wouldn't be sending a friend messages or having instant messaging convos with them if they shared a page with their partner for the simple fact, I don't want your man (or woman) to know my business. IDK, that just doesn't sit right with me.  
  Posted by 7venAfricano[/QUOTE]
  
  This! 
  
  If you or your significant other wants to be unfaithful, you will find a way to do it.  FB is just the latest tool. 

  

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• cincy2011 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I'm not on FB, so I may be somewhat biased.  I think it could be dangerous, but like the PPs said - only if your FI is looking to cheat anyway.  It's all about the person's character.  My FI is on FB and I don't worry about it-  he sometimes shows me his page and when we got engaged he put a pic of my ring as his profile picture and changed his status to "engaged", so that was nice.  He has up lots of pics of us together and writes about me and the wedding on FB.   But I totally agree that if you aren't comfortable with him on FB there is a larger problem in your relationship.  Trust that other women will be trying to get at your man whether it's in person - on the street or at work, text messages from an old flame, FB messages or through other means.  So FB is just one of many ways your FI could give into temptation...you have to trust that he puts God and your relationship first and wouldn't jeapordize that.

  

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• tyboyd member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  FI and I both have FB pages and we have no problems. We know each others passwords and they are stored to my laptop. So, no FB drama here.

  
  

  And shared page?! Find your own identity. I wish FI would want to "share" a FB page. Boy please!

  

  

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• krimson19

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  my husband and i both have facebook pages.  there aren't any shenanigans going on either.  like i've said before people were being unfaithful before facebook.  it just makes things easier i suppose.
  
  as for couples sharing a page, that's kind of nuts to me.  you were an individual before you got married.  we're never share a page. 
  

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• lil01

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  1) I don't have a FB account and neither does FI. We were both on myspace years ago, so I personally don't see it being a problem. TRUST is the key! If someone is gonna cheat, they will cheat whether its through social networking or in person. If there are underlying issues with trust, insecurities, and resisting temptation, then the relationship/ marriage needs to be evaluated...not FB. 
  
  2) Having a joint FB page seems a little bizarre to me, but that's just my opinion. Must we share "everything"...lol?  

  

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• LSAS member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_nwr-discussion-trust-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8b8fdbe1-363f-4296-b6f6-bda015ee2841Post:dcda28d7-bcf2-4412-9bd5-d9f7a788c031">Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook</a>:
  [QUOTE]1) I don't have a FB account and neither does FI. We were both on myspace years ago, so I personally don't see it being a problem. <strong>TRUST is the key! If someone is gonna cheat, they will cheat whether its through social networking or in person. If there are underlying issues with trust, insecurities, and resisting temptation, then the relationship/ marriage needs to be evaluated...not FB.</strong>  2) Having a joint FB page seems a little bizarre to me, but that's just my opinion. Must we share "everything"...lol?  
  Posted by lil01[/QUOTE]
  
  
  This right here!!!! SMDH at these people!

  

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• hisSparklett

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  My FI doesn't have a facebook page, I told him he should get one plenty of times but he said he has no reason to because my facebook might as well be his. Which leads me to the sharing of a proflile. Almost on a daily basis my facebook status says "Shane says (insert whatever random thing he just told me here)" he makes me laugh and from the amount of "likes" and comments those status' receive he makes everyone else laugh also. Our mutual friends will tag me if he is in a pic because he doesn't have one. That is as far as the sharing goes and I don't even consider that sharing really. He doesn't log into my account and post a status himself, he has no interest in it at all.

  

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• marinabreeze

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_nwr-discussion-trust-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:8b8fdbe1-363f-4296-b6f6-bda015ee2841Post:67520cb5-6290-447c-9ca1-cbda7190d747">Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR Discussion: Trust & Facebook : I am pretty sure I had nothing to do with this issue and I am not particularly judging their relationship because I know a few couples who have gone through the guy or girl deleting their fb because the other person didn't want them on fb for plenty of reasons. My issue with anyone deleating their fb because someone else said so is crazy.
  Posted by JKeyes2011[/QUOTE]
  
  I didn't necessarily think that you were judging them, my thought was just that people do strange things within their relationships for reasons we can't always know why the lack of trust involved in pushing someoen to do this exists.  But in general, I agree with you...it is crazy to delete it because someone else said so.  I think it indicates a lack of trust that, regardless of why it exists, indicates major issues going on in the relationship. 
  
  I think that both of your questions also bring to mind that even though we marry and there is an element of oneness to a marriage, we shouldn't lose our individual identities either.  Relationships should allow for people to be themselves within it, and if that can't happen (for whatever reason), that's not healthy IMO.

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