MIL not coming to wedding but is STILL ruining it!

ChristinaT88 · February 2010

My fiance and I booked a hotel for our May wedding in the Bahamas after stating for months that we would be having a small destination wedding (immediate family only). The day after making our reservation, however, my in-laws announced that they will not be showing up (after telling us time and time again that they would) because of money issues. This wouldn't make me mad, but then the family went out and spent $2000 in electronic equipment! I'm trying to stay cheerful for my fiance, since he feels betrayed by all of this, but it's tough. The only people coming to our wedding are from my side now! We've committed to having an informal reception on top of everything in our hometown for our friends, which his parents can make, but now they want us to pay for everything... including their hotel for the reception AND a day at the spa for his mother! Not only that, but since my fiance lives across the country, they want to spend every moment of his 4 day trip up here during the reception with him. His mom even has invited herself to my bachelorette party that night. MY OWN MOTHER ISN'T GOING TO IT! I'm not trying to be a complainer, so I've really stood by quietly during all of this, but I'm about to explode. We're both recent college grads, and money is tight, so splurging on these people is unrealistic. I just don't know how to stand up to them without hurting my fiance more! HELP!

MairePoppy · February 2010

When you plan a destination wedding, you just have to accept that some people aren't going to be able to make it. Maybe they don't want to spend their money on a trip to the Bahamas. It's not your business how they spend their own money.
Likewise, it is not your responsibility to pay for their trip for your reception.Just say tell them you can't afford that. But if they do make the effort to go, you and H should be willing to entertain at least part of the time, especially if they don't know anyone else. Ask fi to make a list of local activities they might enjoy and send them the information so they can make some plans of their own while they are there.
As far as the bachelorette party, maybe she, like me, doesn't understand the concept of a bachelorette party AFTER the wedding. Maybe your fi could take the mothers out that night.

AutumnFair · February 2010

First, take a deep breath, take some time to settle down from the situation. Maire pretty much hit all the main points.

ILs can spend their money on whatever they want, yes, it sucks that they won't attend the wedding but that's their choice. I'm sure it hurt FI feels but you need to cheer him up and get him pass this situation and look forward to getting married.

You definitely do not have to pay for your FILs hotel nor the spa day. This is where your FI needs to be direct and tell it like it is. If they throw the "well i guess we won't come" statement. Tell them that your sorry to hear that and change the subject.

If they do come, I would say spending a little time (maybe a half a day) and give them a whole bunch of things to do would be sufficient.

Lastly, the bachelorette party discussion needs to be FI job in telling her that its just a group of your close friends for the night out.

duckie1905 · February 2010

You do not have the right to tell them how to spend their money. If they would rather have electronic equipment then go to your wedding in the Bahamas, that is their choice. Neither of you has the right to judge them. On top of that, when you have a DW you must accept that many, even important and close relatives/friends, will not be able to or will choose not to attend. If it was that important that your FI's family is present then you need to plan in a manner that would allow them to attend.

As for the AHR reception and spa and bach party your FI needs to man up and tell them no.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

They are not ruining your wedding. No one can ruin your wedding but your FI, who could only do so by not showing up.

Have FI draw the boundary and stick to it.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

Why are you having a bachelorette party after your wedding? I don't get it.

If the reception is after the wedding, then I'm assuming you will be with him every day he is there too, and you get to go home with him. You win!

ChristinaT88 · February 2010

Actually, due to our schedules, the reception is happening a month before the wedding (we just don't physically have the time to have a reception after), so the bachelorette party is being held before the wedding. My fiance is across the country for the reception, and we don't get to see each other much.

duckie1905 · February 2010

Wait, so your AHR is a month before you get married?

I find that pretty offensive and am surprised that anyone actually told you it was a good idea. If I got an invite for a AHR before the wedding I'd think cash or gift grab, not celebration because you can't celebrate something that hasn't happened yet.

Sounds like someone's FI needs to grow a pair and stand up to his parents.

If a DW without his family and most of your friends is really what you want then that's what you should do. I would either plan the AHR after you are married or not have one at all. There is no reason to have one. You've made your decision to have a DW and part of that decision includes potentially excluding friends and family that can't or won't travel. If you can't deal with it then you need to change your plans.

papermate · February 2010

They can't afford to go to the destination wedding and you can't afford to fly them in for the reception. Pretty simple thing to say. As parents who are tight on cash, they should understand your situation.

ChristinaT88 · February 2010

Duckie-
Wow... you're charming. The people that love us just want the chance to celebrate with us. We've told people not to bring gifts. It's in an old church with paper plates and what you would probably consider to be tacky decorations. But I don't care. I'm not worried about inviting anyone who will be offended. It's people like you that make me scared of even asking questions on this thing. I don't want to impress my guests with how upscale I can be... I just want to celebrate with friends.

Everyone else-
Thanks for the advice. It's greatly appreciated.

mob112710 · February 2010

Ok. Let's all take a deep breath and relax. There's no reason to be nervous about asking questions here, as long as you're prepared to "hear" our opinions. Maybe Duckie was a little harsh, but I think that when you used the term "hometown reception" we all assumed that you were talking about a party held at some point after the wedding ceremony. I too was surprised to read that it was before the ceremony -- parties held for/by the couple prior to the ceremony are generally called engagement parties or couples showers (aka Jack & Jills). I would guess that none of us would have given it a second thought if you had used one of those names to describe it. With that in mind, why on earth would you pay for your FILs to attend this event? I wouldn't expect my DD or her FI to pay for my husband and me. Nor do you "owe" her a day at the spa. Regarding the bachelorette party, I agree with the others, have your FI let her know that it's for you and your friends only.

duckie1905 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-not-coming-wedding-but-still-ruining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:76c876d2-e452-46a1-ae7a-0e0498b64d47Post:0302c6bf-8f68-4e5a-89b9-7f06c5416c64">Re: MIL not coming to wedding but is STILL ruining it!</a>:
[QUOTE]Duckie- Wow... you're charming. The people that love us just want the chance to celebrate with us. We've told people not to bring gifts. It's in an old church with paper plates and what you would probably consider to be tacky decorations. But I don't care. I'm not worried about inviting anyone who will be offended. It's people like you that make me scared of even asking questions on this thing. I don't want to impress my guests with how upscale I can be... I just want to celebrate with friends. Everyone else- Thanks for the advice. It's greatly appreciated. :)
Posted by ChristinaT88[/QUOTE]

I did not insult your AHR by saying your location or your decorations were tacky. I do not expect lavish events and don't think that tons of money has to be dropped in order to make guests happy. I do not think that AHR are inappropriate at all and find them to be a lovely way to celebrate with friends and relatives that couldn't afford to travel to the DW. So, why you may find my manner of delivery harsh I would appreciate that you not misquote me or put words in my mouth.

If you would've read what I typed instead of assuming that I was somehow insulting the manner in which you can afford to plan a wedding you'd understand that my objection was to the fact that you are having a reception to celebrate an event that hasn't yet taken place. That is not a wedding reception. In your case it is just a party and not a wedding reception.

In any event, if they can't afford to attend the DW and you can't afford to have them attend either the DW or the pre-wedding AHR, it looks like they won't be attending. If it is that important that attend one of the events then one side must give in a pay or your FI needs to accept the fact that his family won't be attending.

And yes, I am actually charming. I'm also saying the things some of your guests would never say to your face.

pokepoke27 · February 2010

A reception is just a big party. She can call it whatever she wants to.

ChristinaT88 - you might as well give up and just call it a "big engagement party" or a "pre-wedding bash" so that people will stop focusing on the little details and you might actually get your questions answered.

I agree with most of the others, your FI needs to step in and set his mother straight. He needs to be firm. And while I agree it seems like a major snub for them to spend $2000 on electronics instead of seeing you get married - maybe you're better off without them? After all, who is going to be the one regretting their absence the most? Probably not you. I know you hurt for your FI, but just try to keep a good attitude for him and the two of you will have a wonderful wedding!

trix1223 · February 2010

You can have a party before your wedding. You just can't call it a wedding reception, because there hasn't been a wedding to receive guests at yet.

You can call it a BBQ, a cocktail party, a get-together, but you cannot include the word wedding in it.

FWIW: I would NOT, ever, attend a wedding "reception" for a wedding that hasn't happened yet. That's just silly.

As for your DW and FILs. When you plan a DW, you take the chance that people who mean the most to you might not be able to make it. If you can live with that, then have your DW.

But know that your FIL's will never be able to let it completely go that they didn't get to see their son married.

Jeni35 · February 2010

Okay... I am confused. A party prior to your wedding could be called an engagement party. It is certainly not a wedding reception because the marriage has not taken place. Please don't get offended by that- it's the truth. If I understand you, FI lives across the country. You are planning to live together after marriage, right? Why not throw a local party then? The party does not need to be expensive or anything and people could bring gifts to that sort of party...
If FI's family has no desire to attend a DW; then you have 2 options:
Don't worry about it because they will regret it
Have a small civil union that at least they can be a part of
That being said, and reading all the boards- I see that I am not the only one with drama issues with the FIL family. I have gotten to the point where I do not care. I am respectful; but I am marrying my FI, not anyone else.

kellyandbilly · March 2010

Omg your situation totally sucks and I'm so sorry you have to go through this! Maybe its because I have a really really close family and so does my fiance, but if one of our parents chose to not come to our wedding(the single most important event in our lives to date!) I would totally have a break down! I would work my butt off to make sure their trip got paid for if they really couldn't afford it...and it sounds like you would have done the same. BUT the crazy thing about your story is that they went and spent 2k on electronics! Do they have NO family values or NO care for their son? I seriously couldn't believe what I was reading! So, b/c of that I agree with Pokepoke- maybe you are better off without them there. I personally would not be able to go through the wedding without my parents though, so make sure your fiance is ok with it if that is what you decide. This is truely sad and again I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

Also, to everyone who is agruing over what she is calling her reception- please stop! omg its so annoying when people argue over what people call things on here! they are celebrating a wonderful thing with their family and friends- thats what it comes down to! and it doesn't matter if she calls it a reception or an engagement party or a BBQ or a get together! Sorry for the rant...it just drives me nuts

MIL not coming to wedding but is STILL ruining it!

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