help with fmil

xadanaex · December 2011

where im from every single wedding i have been to has been at a catholic church, followed by a reception in a catholic church building with a dj playing some booty shakin rap music, bill miller's b-b-q (of brisket, beans, potato salad, and bread with sweet tea), a catholic or no religion ceremony, at 6pm-1am on a friday or saturday. Thats the custom here.

Well lets just say im not for customs and traditions. I asked my fiance out, i proposed to him, and I dont want anything listed above but guess who does! and she wants it to a T.

I want to be married outside with an outdoor reception, i want to make my own dress (im a highly skilled designer), I want rock music (both me and my fiance listen to it religiously), i would like a high tea type menu (alice in wonderland themed wedding), a christian ceremony (which both me and my fiance are) and i want it to take place during the day and be over before 6pm.

now my fmil hasnt liked me from the begining seeing as im white and shes hispanic, i dont celebrate cinco de mayo or any other holidays like that, im not catholic, i dont speak spanish fluently, i dont cook mexican food more than twice a year, im fine with that and we can get along ok.

shes been wanting to help me plan the wedding and shes been asking me tons of questions but she isnt liking any of my answers.

she told me my original dress design looked "trashy" so i bought a dress and then she offered to buy me a different one cuz she didnt like it.
i told her my theme and she insisted i make it my bridal shower theme because weddings dont have themes and its a stupid one for a wedding at that.
we dont drink at all so when she found out there wasnt going to be a keg (which is normal for here) she said she wouldnt come to the wedding.
when she found out it wasnt going to be in a catholic church or even a church at all and that it was going to be a christian wedding she also said she wasnt going to come.
she offered to pay for the catering and cake but it was going to be from bill miller's b-b-q and the cake from H-E-B which she proceeded to tell me it could only be 3 layers and had to be all white with limited designs which flavors she liked (so i really didnt get to choose and i still havent accepted her offer, im kinda hoping she'll realize how rude shes being by ignoring my wishes and be more understanding and helpful)
i hate flowers so i just wanted the bouquets, the boutiners, the corsages, and thats it, she wants everything covered in flowers.
i have a very small family 50 total (distant relatives and all, about 40 which will not be joining us on our day) she wants to invite everybody all 500 of her family thats not including his dads side and to make matters worse shes not his real mother and shes only related by marriage to him. she refuses to let his real father attend the wedding and let his real mother wear a corsage for the parents. (this pissed me off above all else because i love his real parents to death and they love me)

i just dont know what to do anymore so ive stopped planning for a little bit but im ready to start again i just dont know how to deal with her esp since shes offering to foot the bill for what she wants. half of me says well maybe i should go with what she wants since shes offering but the other half says, i want my alice in wonderland i want to stand out not be another bill miller bride.
any advice or tips on how to deal with a fmil from hell?

professorscience · December 2011

I'm not sure why you would come to a Catholic board asking for help with not having a Catholic ceremony.

Here's the deal:

Catholics are obligated to receive the sacrament of matrimony in the church. It's great that you are not traditional and that you've found someone you love and want to marry. Part of marriage means supporting your husband, who is Catholic. The two of you need to have a very serious conversation about what your hopes/expectations/wants/needs are for not only your wedding, but your marriage. If your FI chooses not to get married in the church, then he will no longer be able to receive communion, and that is a pretty big deal. So before you move on with any other planning, you both need to be sure that you are making the right choices for both of you.

As for your FMIL, I find it really hard to believe that every wedding in SA is exactly the same, but I get where you're coming from. That's kind of like saying every Texas bride wears cowboy boots to her wedding. If you and your FI have decided to have your ceremony a certain way, then your FI needs to politely explain to his mother that you are having the ceremony you want. You then need to be prepared for a) your FMIL/possibly a lot of FI's family not attending your wedding, and b) your FMIL withdrawing her financial support.

professorscience · December 2011

Also, lots of Catholic churches have weddings as early as 10 am.

IAmLymelady · December 2011

If your FI is Catholic and you're open to allowing him to raise the kids Catholic (and being open to kids entirely, which means no birth control in the way that most people think of birth control), you can always appease her with doing a Catholic ceremony first, if that's her hangup. You can have a sort of vow affirmation ceremony afterwards in a garden wedding, followed by a garden reception.

This isn't going to just happen with your wedding. What happens when it's time to baptize the kids? First Communion? Confirmation? If you aren't Catholic, are you planning on raising your kids Catholic? If so, those major events are going to pop up.

I think you're focusing a lot on the wedding itself, but the big issue here is the relationship with your FMIL and your FI. You should enjoy your wedding, but it's his wedding too, and the relationship between all three of you will last for the rest of your lives. I'm not saying to give in to her, I just think it's important to reach out to her and find some way to compromise so that you're all on speaking terms (which means you can't secretly resent her for years, that certainly wouldn't help).

ring_pop · December 2011

There are a lot of issues here and I can see that they're all getting jumbled up together out of your frustration with your FMIL.

First, you need to separate the important issues regarding your LIFE and your MARRIAGE from the less important ones that just have to do with the WEDDING. You've heard it a million times - a wedding is one day, a marriage is life.

The Catholic wedding is an important issue for the reasons professorscience mentioned. You really need to sort this out with your FI as it has many implications not just on the wedding venue or ceremony, but your lives going forward.

Re: celebrating Cinco de Mayo, cooking Mexican food etc - you've only mentioned YOU in this, but how does your FI feel about your involvement in his culture? My H is from a different cultural background and personally, I don't see how we could be married if we didn't embrace each other's culture. But, whatever works for you two.

Re: wedding details - again, you need to decide what's absolutely important and can't be compromised, and what isn't worth the battle.

xadanaex · December 2011

we already have a son and while i was pregnant we talked a lot about how we planned on raising our child and in which religion. we both agreed that since he isnt one to go to church regularly that we would raise the baby as a baptist and he would convert. we found a baptist church we both loved and we hope our son will love as he grows up too. His family isnt very religious either but they go to the rosiario and participate in ash wednesday and all that so its important to them that the wedding is catholic. we chose a wedding outside of the church to please both families. (dont even ask me how were going to do my son's dedication, ill get to that when the time comes).

@ ring pop- here im the minority, i was babysat from kinder to 8th grade by a hispanic lady everyday and its hard to get away from the rich mexican culture here. everywhere you turn theres people speaking spanish and mexican food galore. all my friends had their ashes and their communions and quinces and etc. so i do live the lifestyle so to say just not as much as his family would like. i feel like their not open to excepting a "white" lifestyle (thou my life isnt much dif than theirs at all). id much rather cook something i know i cant screw up (theres no way my chile con carne could compare to his moms) The only thing is i dont understand the religion aspect, i dont understand much of why they do what they do or i can understand but it turns out thats not the reason they do it. some of the things my fi doesnt even know why he does it, hes just completely disengaged from whole religious part. I thought u cant even get married in a catholic church if u dont do your communion (which he hasnt) so im wondering if my fmil is just being unexcepting or if marrying catholic is truely important to her.

help with fmil

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