Estranged from Parents

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

Haven't been able to find much on this topic anywhere, so I thought I'd reach out to all of you.

I'm estranged from both of my parents and step-parent (for very legitimate reasons, but I won't go into them, but let's just say I am not some sort of wild child who disobeyed them), and I'm having a really hard time getting through wedding planning, mostly because I find it depressing that I don't have a mother to help me dress shop/plan or a father to eventually walk me down the aisle. I also find it rather embarrassing when I have to discuss it with my FI's extended family.

Does anyone have any words of advice? Has anyone been through something similar?

Also, with the wording on my invitations, we're paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my FI's parents recently offered to help out - how does one phrase this? I was thinking "M & F, with Mr. & Mrs. F, ...."

On a positive note, my FI's family is simply amazing and I feel so blessed to be joining it!

Learox87 · May 2011

As far as the wedding planning itself, you always have FI to talk to. Also, if you have any siblings/cousins/extended family, perhaps one of them could walk you down the aisle? If not, my FI actually went to a wedding where the bride and groom walked down together, and he said it was really cool. They actually kind of ran out to some really upbeat music (I think Viva La Vida by Coldplay)

You could also talk to your friends and WP about it, but just make sure that they are someone who is interested in wedding planning (some people just aren't), and that you don't overload them with it. Plus you could always post here!

I think what you are planning on putting on the invites is just fine.

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

Learox: Thanks so much! I was thinking of walking down the aisle with my FI, but he doesn't want to see me until I appear at the end of the aisle, so we are thinking of having him walk down a side aisle to come walk me up the aisle, hahaha. Unfortunately, I'm not American so 99.9% of my family (with the exception of estranged mother and sister) lives 5,000 miles away. I'll definitely take your advice on consulting my friends, and luckily my FI is really involved. The Knot is a huge blessing!

[Deleted User] · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_estranged-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:bfe9c704-45bb-4ff3-9ff8-4cf28c8a4cbbPost:ce6698ff-0350-4d9d-ac96-0723a12232d6">Estranged from Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Haven't been able to find much on this topic anywhere, so I thought I'd reach out to all of you. I'm estranged from both of my parents and step-parent (for very legitimate reasons, but I won't go into them, but let's just say I am not some sort of wild child who disobeyed them), and I'm having a really hard time getting through wedding planning, mostly because I find it depressing that I don't have a mother to help me dress shop/plan or a father to eventually walk me down the aisle. I also find it rather embarrassing when I have to discuss it with my FI's extended family. Does anyone have any words of advice? Has anyone been through something similar? Hopefully your FI's parents will understand. I don't have the greatest relationship with my Mom. She was not involved in the planning of our wedding in any way, shape or form. I am close to my Dad and he walked me down the aisle. I am not trying to be mean, but I don't think your situation is very different from brides who have both parents that are deceased. Also, with the wording on my invitations, we're paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my FI's parents recently offered to help out - how does one phrase this? I was thinking "M & F, with Mr. & Mrs. F, ...." This is something you need to discuss with your FI and his parents. Typically, the grooms parents names don't belong on the invites, and since your parents aren't in the picture, the "Together with their Families" probably wouldn't work well for you. If it helps you any, my IL's paid for more of our wedding (helping out with things here and there and paying for the RD) and they did not want their names on the invites. We just used our names since we were hosting and paying for othe majority of it. On a positive note, my FI's family is simply amazing and I feel so blessed to be joining it! Glad to hear you have great soon-to-be IL's. My IL's are amazing, too, and would do anything for me/us.
Posted by gossipgirl1983[/QUOTE]

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

MissySue: Thank you. I actually think brides who have deceased parents must have a much more difficult time, I don't deny that at all! It's a little different for me because people keep asking what happened, and it's not something I want to discuss. Thank you for the advice on the invitations, I will ask them, I think they don't really have an opinion either way. Glad to hear your ILs are awesome!

LoveMuffins · May 2011

If the groom's parents are helping out then you can def put their names on the invitations. Basically, if you're helping out, your name goes on the invite. A lot of the time the "with their families" is used when so many people are helping pay for the wedding that it would look ridiculous to name everyone. I think your two names first with your FILs names would be fine.

Sometimes the groom wants his parents name on it even if they aren't helping pay and then i think it looks like

Mr. & Mrs. Brides parents invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Bride
to
Groom
son of Mr. & Mrs. Grooms parents

So i think you could put his parents in no problem

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

LoveMuffins: Thanks so much for the advice! I'd like to include them because they're being so helpful

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

You could flip the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Parents

request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their son

John Jason
and
Jane Elizabeth Smith

Or do:
Mr and Mrs Groom's parents
request the honor of your presence at the marriage of

Jane Elizabeth Smith
and
John Jason Jones

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

msmerymac: Thank you! That sounds like a good idea!

DramaGeek · May 2011

You could also tweak Mery's to say

Mr and Mrs Groom's parents
request the honor of your presence at the marriage of

Jane Elizabeth Smith
to their son
John Jason Jones

As far as the extended family goes, what are they asking you? Is it enough to answer just "Unfortunately they won't be able to make it"?

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

DramaGeek: I really like that suggestion! Thank you! I've been asked bluntly why my parents won't be attending, whether I think anyone (my parents or me) will change their mind about attending or whether I will reconcile with them, and whether they will "at least" contribute monetarily to my wedding (I don't talk to them so I don't understand where that question comes from), things of that nature - which would be fine, but everyone already knows the story behind it because my FMIL, sweet as she is, loves to talk. It just makes me uncomfortable, especially because the circumstances are hurtful and not something I want to re-visit.

But I realize things could be a lot worse!

And I'm sure even if you do have a good relationship with your parents, these issues could arise - so if anyone has encountered them (like why won't the bride's parents contribute, I imagine not everyone's parents can as much as they would like to!) - I'd love to discuss

mob2689 · May 2011

I like the idea of switching the names on the invites to the grooms partents in this case as well.

As for the person walking you down the aisle, has there been someone who has stepped up to the plate in your life and played that roll simular to a parent? They could walk you down as well. If you have to think about it then I would say not, but if a particular person immediatly comes to mind then tag they are it!

I had a very dear freind that played that role in my life.

So glad you have great FIL!

Good luck!

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

Thank you, MOB! That's a really sweet and wonderful suggestion - I immediately thought of the pastor of my church where I grew up, and we hope he will perform our ceremony, but I think I can also incorporate him in other ways

Thanks so much, I appreciate all of the support and advice!

DramaGeek · May 2011

If people are rude enough to ask about the situation, I think a blunt reply of "it's a personal situation and I don't care to discuss it" would work just fine.

CreativeOne · May 2011

Gossipgirl,

I can identify, to an extent. I'm still a 'lurker' on the boards, however, many of your sentiments are definitely relatable to me.

My mom died when I was five and I am also estranged from my father. I am considering walking by myself.

I will go back and read the comments I missed, however, be encouraged. Life happens to us all and we don't need to share, unless we choose to. As many people on these boards say: the wedding is just a party. As long as you can make it through the bash, your marriage still awaits you. Your FI (and his family) sound like they are all you need to make it through. It's a powerful thing when people can accept and welcome the battle wounds that you bear- especially when they are through no fault of your own.

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

CreativeOne: I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how tough it must be for you. If you ever want to chat about this stuff, let me know! I think walking down the aisle by yourself is a beautiful idea - you certainly must be an independent woman with a good head on her shoulders

Best of luck to you and wishing you lots of wedded bliss!

Mariahrea · May 2011

I too am estranged from both sets of parents. Being adopted I have 2 sets of parents and after meeting my biological parents all didn't go well, so I know how you feel. I am soooo sorry for you. It's a hard situation. Fortunately I have my 20 year old daughter and her husband and their 8 month old daughter involved in the wedding and the groom's mother is very involved. Good luck to you and just keep thinking how happy you will be to have a wonderful husband and his family by your side.

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

So sorry to hear that, Mariahrea! But I'm happy that you have loving people in your life to be a part of your day! Wishing you a wonderful lifetime of happiness! I'll be sure to focus on the real meaning behind it all - marrying a wonderful man and his family

Let me know if you ever want to chat about it all!

robyntx12 · May 2011

As sad as the situation is it's nice to know others are going through the same issues as me as well. My mother passed away and I no longer have a relationship with my father. I don't have siblings I could ask to walk me down the aisle either.

One friend suggested walking half way down the aisle and having my fiance meet me in the middle. Then us walking to the front together. I thought it was a very cute and sweet idea.

However, I've always been independent so I'll be walking by myself. Maybe a great idea for other couples though!

Good luck ladies!

Ghoti · May 2011

I have a similar situation, I'm not estranged but my mother is being hateful and refuses to have anything to do with the wedding. It really bums me out sometimes, but for the most part FI has been amazing, and I've gotten to know my FMIL during the process

HeyBrittany04 · May 2011

I, too, have a similar situation. I have no relationship with my father, and my mother, well, she's new back in my life (kinda) and not really taking an active role. My ex-step-mother (father got remarried after my mom, then divorced again) is still in my life (the most of the three) but not very much.

I do have FMIL though. She's really excited (I think mostly because she knows grandbabies are soon after XD) and is helping plan a bunch.

I'm going to have my grandfather and possibly my ex-step-mother walk me down. They've been the most influential in my life.

I just kind of go day by day. If you need someone to talk to and help with planning, feel free to message me!

As for wording of the invitations, I agree with PP, any of those would work and is personal preference as to which would be best for you.

I'm happy that you're joining such a great family! I am as well.

I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful.

gossipgirl1983 · May 2011

Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for all of the support! I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time, too, but I'm glad we can reach out to one another and become a part of a new family

I'll definitely reach out to you for advice as more things come up, and I hope you'll do the same if you just need someone to talk to

Estranged from Parents

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