Catholic and a "Spiritualist"

oh_maria · December 2010

Hello.
I am new to this as I just became engaged on Friday, but my FI and I have had several discussions about the implications of my religious beliefts (Catholic) and his beliefs (not baptized, raised sort of Southern Baptist, now more "spiritual" than anything else). My family is Catholic on both sides, I attended Catholic school, was active in my faith. I will admit that working after college has distracted me a bit, but I still consider myself a practicing Catholic.

Long story short (too late), I have found myself in a unique situation where I would love to have a Catholic mass, but am very aware of the situation I'm in with my choice of partner. I have spoken to the Diocese and they've been very receptive. However, the FI is pretty adament that he does not want a full Catholic mass for the wedding and would prefer either a civil ceremony or to have his uncle (Southern Baptist minister) perform the ceremony. "In exchange," if you will, the children will be raised Catholic (which I am standing my ground on).

Does this seem like a fair compromise?

I don't want to "negotiate" religion, but at the same time, our first child is due in May (yes, I know), and I am firm in my stance that the child will be baptized into the Catholic Church. I feel like I would rather give him the ceremony he wants and have the life I feel my children deserve.

Thanks in advance.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Congrats on the baby!

I think it sounds like a fair compromise. Or you could have FI's minister be there as well to give you guys a blessing.

Generally, it is not recommended you have a full Mass unless both parties are full Catholic. I would check out catholicweddinghelp.com for more info.

Happy planning.

ootmother2 · December 2010

Would his uncle be able to co participate in the wedding?

I've seen this several times and I think most priests are okay with it. My brother was married in a Protestant church with a priest co officiating and everyone was happy. The marriage is still valid in the eyes of the Church.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

However, the FI is pretty adament that he does not want a full Catholic mass for the wedding and would prefer either a civil ceremony or to have his uncle (Southern Baptist minister) perform the ceremony. "In exchange," if you will, the children will be raised Catholic (which I am standing my ground on).

this doesnt sound like the uncle would be co-officiating. if you are married civilly or by the baptist minister, yoru marriage will nto be recognized by teh catholic church. sure, you can still raise your kids catholic, but it will be very awkward when they go up for communion and neither of their parents go up (with an unrecognized marriage, you technically cannot receive communion).

this going to sound somewhat blunt, but i think its something for you to think about and you do not have to answer on here, but just think about it. are you marrying this person because he is the ideal, right person for you? or are you marrying him becuase you are expecting his child? it sounds like you truly want to live a catholic life, and while that *is* possible being in a mixed marriage, its certainly more difficult, and it sounds like your FI is not 100% on board with your plans.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I think I misread a bit of that, and that Calpyso had some good advice for you.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · December 2010

I agree with Calypso. I could not marry someone who could not agree to a Catholic wedding, and/or Catholic life. I find it really strange that he does not want a Catholic wedding (just one day), but is willing to have his kids raised Catholic (a lifetime). I question his sincerity in that.

Riss91 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_catholic-spiritualist?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:5c6d12a2-fa61-4162-b3fe-422905835e33Post:9abd303d-d542-43c5-8173-f2a9e167bb68">Re: Catholic and a "Spiritualist"</a>:
[QUOTE] I find it really strange that he does not want a Catholic wedding (just one day), but is willing to have his kids raised Catholic (a lifetime). I question his sincerity in that.
Posted by SoHappyToBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

That's a really good point. I think you need to be careful about how you "negotiate" this. It is a slippery slope if you play the "you get this, but then I get that" game when it comes to religion.

I'd sit down with him and understand why he doesn't want to be married in the Catholic church. Having a civil ceremony will put YOU in poor standing with the Catholic faith. He might not realize what implications that has on you/your soul. If I were in your position I would convey how important it is for your marriage to be recognized by the Church and see if having a non-mass ceremony would be okay with him. You can see if your priest would allow his uncle to participate in some way. Otherwise, there could be very dire consequences for you and your family down the road.

I really hope it works out for you!

bibliophile2010 · December 2010

I agree that Calypso has some great points and that you should really think about things. I would also talk to your priest ASAP. He is likely to have some advice, help you sort out your options, etc. Because you are pregnant, there will be some immediate concerns from the church that you might be entering into the marriage because of pregnancy-related pressure (from yourself, your families, etc.). Although the Church loves families, it does not see pregnancy as a good reason for marriage, and will want to be super-assures that a marriage is happening because you are sure that you desire to have a life-long marriage with your FI.

Additionally, FYI, if your FI has not been baptized, you cannot have a mass-wedding, only a ceremony (no Eucharist).

mica178 · December 2010

Ditto everyone above. Talk with your priest before you commit to anything.

Pirata13 · December 2010

Talk to your FI, maybe he has some preconceived notions about what a Catholic wedding would entail. My H was orignially "against" it because he thought he HAD to convert to get married in the Catholic church. Once I explained that he would NOT have to do that, that we would just have to attend a marriage prep course (one weekend) and meet with my super-cool priest once or twice, he was all for it. The pre-Cana was interesting and once we got through the "business" of the meeting with my priest ("have you ever been married before?" "Are you doing this of your own free will?" etc) we had a wonderful time just TALKING with my priest. We did a full Catholic mass since my priest is not long-winded and we knew it would be "short" for a Catholic wedding. But even if it would have taken an hour, he would have done it, because once we went through all the prep, he was "enlightened".

Talk to him, and talk to him and your priest about the possibility of having his uncle there to do a blessing or something.

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