Visitng with parents/BF's rude mother VENT

elannis · July 2011

As adults, how do you all visit your parents? I'm 24 and my parents live an hour away. Usually we just do day visits we visit for a few hours. Occasionally I might spend the night but that is getting less and less.

My BF is 26 and his mom is 2 hours away. We usually go and spend the entire weekend down there or she comes up and stays with us Fri-Mon about once a month , more or less.

I was just wondering how many other couples have their parents stay with them like that. It's not something that's common in my family so I'm curious how other relationships work.

It has been causing stress on us too. Last night, I was working, and my BF and his mom were in the other room. I waited until I was wearing socks, long pants, fleece jacket, and had a blanket on me and was still getting goosebumps to ask them to turn the air off.

So I heard my BF say he's hot and asks if she is. I was going to text to the other room that he can turn it on now because I'm warm. Before I could, she says, "You know what, it's your house, you're paying for it. Do what you want!" I find this to be very hypocritical because she only needs to suggest that it's slightly hot/cold and he changes the temp for her.

I haven't been able to pay yet, but I am living with him. He's ok with this. I just got a new job and have been catching up on school loans recently and then my car needed new tires and other repairs. I'm very sensitive about the fact that I haven't been able to contribute much. She says this knowing I'm in the next room too.

We've had several issues where she thinks she can just blurt out whatever she wants and there are no consequences. I'm considering the fact that the weekend visits may not be such a good idea anymore.

What are your thoughts? Any advice for me? I've been trying to stay out of their drama and listen to headphones when he's on the phone with her (she starts fights often) and it's been helping. I'm also slightly afraid of her because she's unpredictable and I'm shy but I have been working very hard to show her that I'm comfortable around her and I've been talking to her more and I feel like every time I try, I just get knocked down again somehow.

Am I just being overly sensitive?

elannis · July 2011

Just for more info, the last time I tried really opening up and tried to get comfortable around her, she was talking about coming up a couple of weeks later to stay with us and I mentioned it was our anniversary and I thought my BF was planning something for us, but she could come up during the week (she's retired).

She didn't say anything to me but later told my BF that she wasn't "allowed" to come up and he could just let her know when she has time for him or when he wants her around.

SeaTea02 · July 2011

Your BF should be defending you. He should say "This is Elannis's house too" and backing you up that she can't come when you have plans.

If he doesn't, you have a BF problem. Work on this now before you make him FI/H. FI used to be such a mammas boy and we have worked together in the last few years and he will tell her when she is wrong/offensive/over-stepping. Of course she tried guilt too.

alanna91 · July 2011

Aww man, what a drag. I don't have too much personal advice to offer, but it just seems like she's going to come with the territory no matter what.

Have you talked to BF about it? Since she didn't act appropriately the last time you tried to talk to her, it may be different if BF brings it up. He knows how to talk to her and the right thing to say, anyway. He could tell her how "he thinks" she makes you uncomfortable and how "he's guessing" that you were hurt when she made the comment about him paying for everything himself while you were in the next room.

Good luck!

elannis · July 2011

Yeah, I have talked to him and he definitely stands up to her plenty, but that's just an excuse for her to unleash on him then. She doesn't deal with me directly, she just makes him feel guilty. He had nothing to do with me telling her we had plans on our anniversary, but she never mentioned anything to me. She took it out on him even after he told her I didn't say it like that.

I did talk to him about her comment last night too and he said he didn't take it how I did. She is constantly on him to "take action" and do things for himself, so he took it to mean that she just wants him to not always wait on other people before he does something for himself. Very hypocritical considering he walks on eggshells around her and we do everything according to how she wants it whenever we're around her.

I told him he didn't have to bring it up to her because I know she'll just get defensive and take it out on him ... again. If the opportunity presents itself I will say something about it, but I have a hard time with confrontations (I'm uber shy) and I've never spoken to her about anything like that before, but I do think it's necessary to make sure she knows her actions will not be tolerated, not by me at least, especially not in my own home. I now feel guilty calling it my home too, since she makes comments like that and I haven't been able to pay. I'm caught up now and will start taking over my half of the bills this month but I also don't feel it's any of her business even if she is his mom.

I'm just tired of her taking things out on him especially when he had nothing to do with it. He is very damaged from enduring extreme guilt trips starting around 7 years old and I know he has a problem and needs to deal with it, but there's nothing I personally can do for him. It's his move. I'll just do what I can.

So do you think it'd be bad for me to bring it up to her? Or should I wait until she makes a comment to me about it?

sparkles88 · July 2011

I think there are a few different things that could help.

1. I suggested in one of your previous threads that your BF should encourage his mom to try out a new class or a hobby that she has always wanted to try. I still think this would be a good idea. A lot of colleges and community colleges offer reduced rate classes for senior citizens. Your BF's mom sound like someone that feeds off drama. Since she's retired with nothing to do, she's drumming up drama for entertainment. I think you and your BF are an easy target for this. If she's busy, I think (hopefully!) she'll be bothering you guys less.

2. Your BF probably needs counseling. You said he has been subjected to his guilt trips since he was seven. That's not just something he can outgrow overnight. It will take time and an outside non-biased source to help him learn how to stand up to her behavior. It sounds like he is trying, but I think she's just manipulative enough, that he feels bad every time he tries. Hopefully, with some counseling he could learn to get past the guilt trips.

3. I think you should try to avoid saying things to her at this point. If your BF is not strong enough to get past her guilt trips, I suspect she can potentially take anything you say and use it against you. She seems very manipulative. And hopefully, once your BF gets some counseling, you won't need to say anything at all. He will be sticking up for you.

SeaTea02 · July 2011

Just because she has a hissy fit doesn't mean your BF shouldn't tell her when she is wrong.

Don't say anything to her. It should be your BFs deal because it is his mom. Otherwise, she is going to hate you and things will just be worse. He needs to stand up for you to her. I suggest posting this on FM on TN. They deal with this type of stuff way more than NEY does and usually have very helpful advice.

elannis · July 2011

We have tried to get her into some kind of class, but short of buying her a class and making her go, she won't do it. It's like she literally has no interests. I've never seen someone who doesn't like to do anything other than eat out and shop before. Oh, and gossip, too. She doesn't like to get sweaty, she doesn't like being outdoors, she doesn't read, she doesn't knit, she doesn't cook, she just watches tv and gossips with her friends I think. We've tried getting her to date and even got her on OKCupid, but she went out with one guy and he never wrote her back so she gave up.

I think he does need counseling too, but again I can't make him. I've considered going just by myself to figure out how to help him or at least just learn to deal with my own issues with her. I'm afraid to bring it up too often because he does still get defensive too. He's said he wants to try counseling but that's as far as it's gotten so far. Maybe I should find a counselor and get the ball rolling for him? I don't think he'd be upset if I did.

3. That's true. She would definitely use what I say against him. What about the weekend visiting thing? Could I maybe just limit the amount of time that she's here or that I'm here with them if she comes and keep our visits to see her just a one night deal too? Do you think this would help any? It's not like when I visit my parents where I'm free to do what I want. When we're with her it is constant entertaining and always have to be doing something and it's a lot of pressure.

elannis · July 2011

What is FM on TN? I'm still pretty new and don't understand a lot of the abbreviations here, lol.

sparkles88 · July 2011

Family Matters on The Nest. It's a discussion board on The Nest.

elannis · July 2011

Oh, ok. Thank you. I'll check that out.

lavenderfields13 · July 2011

I really don't have any advice but I do think the whole weekend visit when she's only 2 hours away is a little weird. It doesn't seem like he even enjoys spending that much time with her either because of the way she is so I think that's a little much. I think he should do counseling too because I think she has done some serious damage with her manipulative gullt tripping ways. I can't imagine how frustrating it is for you!
I couldn't help but laugh when I read your post about the underwear thing. I immediately thought of my BF and his mom. She's always buying him stuff and I know it's her way of caring for him still even though he's 26 and lives on his own but it annoys the crap out of me. I know it's bratty of me but I can't stand the way she smothers him sometimes. He only lives a few blocks from his parents and today she called him and during the conversation asked him if he was home because they drove down his street on the way home from church and didn't see his car. His street isn't on the way home. I'm like is she STALKING you now?!

SeaTea02 · July 2011

Ouch. I read some of the responses, and I knew it would kind of be like that because I lurk on that board. Sorry for sending you in there unprepared for that. I think they gave you some great advice and told you what you needed to hear.

This isn't something that will just go away or get better. You need to really talk with your BF and set boundaries. After giving that a good try and things don't change I would really take their advice and move on.

I know you are thinking "I don't want to leave him because of his mom", but it isn't his mom. It is his relationship with his mom and how he lets her treat you. This is really about your BF.

I hope you can all work toward setting a new and healthier relationship like FI and I did. When FI (then BF) saw how much his relationship with her effected our relationship, he adjusted their to an appropriate level and puts my well being first. Talk to your BF and hopefully you can work through this.

lavenderfields13 · July 2011

I just went over to the TN to read responses after SeaTea just posted about it. I agree it was harsh but there was some good advice. I can completely understand not wanting to leave him if this is the only major issue in the relationship. BUT I agree with the responses that you need to make it known how this is making you feel. If you don't you'll end up resenting your BF because he never stood up for you like he should have. Tell him you're not going to put up with her crap anymore and he needs to come to your defense. The more I think about it the 3 day weekend once a month is way too much. If he's not willing to put his foot down with her it's never going to get better and you'll be miserable.

bethsmiles · July 2011

I agree that you got really good advice on TN. I would give my own advice but it would just be repeating what has already been said.

trexcrossing · July 2011

no offense, but I saw another one of your posts that said your bf's mother still buys him underwear. Seems like he has some mommy issues he needs to work out. Trust me, my sister has the same problem and they have been married for years and his mother is still interferring in their relationship and it causes major issues. I'd be encouraging him to tell mama how it is when it comes to boundaries.

elannis · July 2011

Well, I didn't get anywhere regarding the underwear, lol. She thinks he told her he needed them, but I think he really just said, if you ever get me underwear again, just don't get x kind, get y kind. He knows she'll keep doing it and just wanted to make sure she doesn't buy stuff he can't use. So I will let that one slide.

Actually, I talked to my BF about it and we decided I needed to talk to her. So I talked to her while he went to the workout room and explained how sometimes she says things that offend me and that I want to have a good relationship with her and I want us to be able to talk. She cried, but I could tell it was genuine. She felt bad and for a moment I could see her side. She's terrified of losing him. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but she is the only family he has and I have a lot of family and I think she's afraid we'll just forget about her.

I feel like I got somewhere with her though. She actually didn't start any arguments all weekend either. I worked on speaking up more and being more relaxed around her and I felt like it was progress. I know there are still plenty of other issues, and we'll work on those too, but for now, I am feeling better about it all.

My BF is willing to go to the counselor, but I think he's as lost as I am as to where to look. I'm going to actively look for one and even call and get information and then see where he is on it. He knows it's a problem and that we need help with it and he knows it's serious too.

And the ladies on TN were very blunt, but yes, I can see it from their point of view. We'll work on it and see what can happen, but I won't forget their advice.

marleylikeair · July 2011

Ely, I'm so glad you made some progress! That's awesome. I did hop over to TN and read the responses. (Yikes.) I have an overbearing/crazy mom, too.

I think most of the things people said on TN were worth considering, but honestly, they don't know you over there. From what you'd previously posted, it sounds like your BF *is* willing to work on this, he just doesn't know how. It's absolutely worth trying counseling for him (and possibly for you), talking to her, etc. before taking any drastic measures like breaking up with your BF.

I think sometimes people jump to conclusions because they've heard the "momma's boy" story over and over. So many women post on TK and TN who actually *have* tried everything and have gotten nowhere, yet still can't see that their problem is with their SO and not his mom.

I recently started counseling and I really like my therapist. I found him through a good friend of mine who is really similar to me in a lot of ways. I had a feeling that someone she like might be someone I'd like; I was right. With counselors, it is ALL about finding a good fit. Someone you're comfortable with--someone you click with. I knew in one session that my therapist was someone I liked and felt would be able to help me. You just have to trust your gut. You and BF can do some asking around and some trial-and-error. Your BF can ask his primary care doc for a referral and start there. He can set up an appointment and just feel it out.

Good luck! I'm so glad you guys are taking positive steps!

elannis · July 2011

Thanks Marley. It's nice to hear optimism too. I do truly feel like my BF wants to work on it. We're new to the area so don't even have a regular doctor yet either. I'll see what I can find as far as therapists though. Hopefully I'll find one as much as you like yours.

I was afraid that talking to her would cause more problems because everyone said that my BF had to talk to her, but I felt if it was between her and I, that I should say something because, in this case, it didn't involve him. I need to learn to stand up for myself too. And this time, I think it did help.

I know they have many other issues that will need professional help, but I am willing to hang in and help where I can and see where we can go together.

marleylikeair · July 2011

Ahh, okay. I hear you--I still don't have a PCP in Duluth yet. I was really lucky my friend had such a good recommendation for me for a therapist.

It's so hard to know where to start to find doctors when you move to a new place! You can start with a referral from your insurance maybe. Or try Angie's List. It's a consumer review website that includes doctors. I think you have to pay monthly, but it's not expensive and it could well be worth it for a month or two to help you find stuff in your new town. I haven't tried the site, but I keep wanting to!

I think since BF gave you the green light and you approached the conversation with his mom so thoughtfully and kindly, you did the right thing. It sounds like you got through to her. I hope it sticks. I hear you on the learning to stand up for yourself thing. I have issues with that myself. It's SO EFFING HARD sometimes. (That's what she said. Haha.)

kellyt89 · July 2011

I'm sorry that you're dealing with issues with BF's parents. Both my XBF and my current BF have mothers who are very...erm...involved. It was one of the many reasons I broke up with my X. My current BF is different because he's actively trying to create boundaries for himself and with the two of us.

I think that counseling for your BF would be really helpful because I'm sure the constant guilt trips have made the relationship really difficult. A counselor could give him advice on how to talk to her and be firm in creating boundaries. You can get a reccomendation through your primary physician.

I didn't read the posts on TN but I'm sure I have a good idea what they were saying. Honestly, you don't want this to become a problem that isn't solved before you get married becasue it will just get worse. Your BF seems like he is trying to create a healthier relationship and create boundaries and that's a good sign.

elannis · July 2011

Marley: Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out. And yeah, I hope it sticks too. I know it's something that will probably have to be done more than once, but at least now I know I can do it and the world isn't going to end afterwards, lol.

Kelly: Yeah, I think he wants to make the changes too, but has that guilt holding him back. So a counselor is someone that can tell him what he needs to hear better than I can and it'll be objective guidance too.

marleylikeair · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_visitng-parentsbfs-rude-mother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:22c3e203-d8c1-4622-8a75-babf7e1d12d1Post:d3ffc1ca-0131-4522-b102-5444d1be0624">Re: Visitng with parents/BF's rude mother VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]Marley: Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out. And yeah, I hope it sticks too. I know it's something that will probably have to be done more than once, but at least now I know I can do it and the world isn't going to end afterwards, lol. Kelly: Yeah, I think he wants to make the changes too, but has that guilt holding him back. So a counselor is someone that can tell him what he needs to hear better than I can and it'll be objective guidance too.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

Sure! Let me know how it goes. I'm so beyond proud of you for sticking up for yourself, yet doing so in a kind and thoughtful way. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> It's more than I've been able to do at times. Yay you!

elannis · July 2011

Haha thanks. I was pretty proud of myself too. I've always been known as a pushover, but I'm trying to get past that and yeah it's tough, but I think these little steps help. And I know that people tend to respond more positively if you are positive and non-threatening yourself. I just try to follow the golden rule and treat others how I would want to be treated. Hopefully this continues working in the future.

We were watching a movie when I talked to her about it and she had me pause the movie again a short while after and started telling me about how she went to a psychic a while back who told her that her son would meet a great girl soon and she would be the one for him and she started crying again and said she was pretty sure the psychic was talking about me. I don't know if I believe in psychics, but she does apparently and she seemed genuine so I guess that's a good sign too and that she felt bad for hurting my feelings.

zitiqueen · July 2011

I love that you and your BF decided you needed to talk to her about how she treats you. Anything to keep him from growing up and risking making mommy upset... because she matters to him more than you do, after all.

Good luck with that! I'm sure the wedding ring will change everything.

SeaTea02 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_visitng-parentsbfs-rude-mother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:22c3e203-d8c1-4622-8a75-babf7e1d12d1Post:80e75b7d-5947-4c04-8712-fd9a314fa6a4">Re: Visitng with parents/BF's rude mother VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]I love that you and your BF decided you needed to talk to her about how she treats you. Anything to keep him from growing up and risking making mommy upset... because she matters to him more than you do, after all. Good luck with that! I'm sure the wedding ring will change everything.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>umm yeah this. </div><div>
</div><div>Your problem with him mom saying mean things MIGHT be solved for now, but your problem with your BF's inability to stand up to her still exists. GL girl. </div>

marleylikeair · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_visitng-parentsbfs-rude-mother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:22c3e203-d8c1-4622-8a75-babf7e1d12d1Post:80e75b7d-5947-4c04-8712-fd9a314fa6a4">Re: Visitng with parents/BF's rude mother VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]I love that you and your BF decided you needed to talk to her about how she treats you. Anything to keep him from growing up and risking making mommy upset... because she matters to him more than you do, after all. Good luck with that! I'm sure the wedding ring will change everything.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

The general point here, that your BF is going to need to stand up to her eventually, is valid. However, it sounds like he is willing to try seeing a therapist and work on making things better. So I do think it's worth seeing how that goes.

elannis · July 2011

Yeah, I know we still have major issues, but this one involved me and I felt I could take care of it. I have talked to him about the fact that, although we had a successful weekend, I don't feel we should ignore the other issues. I'd rather prevent rather than repair.

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