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FSIL issue...advice needed!

kime31kime31 member
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in Pennsylvania-Pittsburgh
Sorry in advance for the WOT but there's some back story here. . .

FSIL and FI are not currently speaking b/c FSIL is overreacting about something that occured on facebook of all places.  She has also been very uncooperative with the BMs when they were planning the shower and bach party stuff.  She came to the shower in Harrisburg that they planned but didn't really speak or interact with anyone not even when we were each introducing ourselves - her mother had to introduce her.  She is 15 yrs older than FI so in some ways is like a mother more than a sister.  Her two daughters are our FGs and apparently their dresses did not come in correctly and she didn't even let me know that.  She said when they were getting altered that "something looked not right but she couldn't figure out what" - well isn't that when you make a phone call or even email me to make sure its correct?  So back story is she is being difficult. . .

So, yesterday I overhead FMIL on the phone with a family member talking about alterations to FSIL's BM dress.  So I asked when she got off the phone if there was an issue with her dress.  Apparently, FSIL was planning to add something to the top of her dress.  FMIL said she wasn't sure if she was adding something to the actual dress, or adding a shawl or jacket.  But anyway, she hasn't mentioned any of it to me at all!  Keep in mind that way back when we were picking out BM dresses I wanted them all to be comfortable so they are wearing different dresses and this is the dress that she said she liked and felt comfortable in.  I was most concerned about her feeling good in the dress b/c she is a good amount older than us and more conscious about her body so I even went on a separate dress trip with her and we based the designer and fabric choice for the rest of the BM dresses off the one she picked.  So now what do I do?  How do I approach her about this?

I think the real issue may be that FI and I moved to MD and the rest of his whole extended family still lives in Pittsburgh so she secretly is blaming me for him moving away and the fact that the two of them aren't as close anymore, blah! 

So please let me know what you would do!  Thanks!
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Re: FSIL issue...advice needed!

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    kime31kime31 member
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    edited December 2011
    And in case you wanted to see, here is the dress:

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    nicki426nicki426 member
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I feel your pain! FI has two older sisters. I just take them with a grain of salt and let it go. If they want to be miserable, which sometimes I really think they do. Then that's there problem. I am planning a wedding that's supposed to be a happy time. But you cant win with everyone. At the end of the day all people will remember is you and your FI. And if she wants to do something with her dress its her that has to wear and either look good or foolish.
    I am having all my girls wear whatever they like as long as it is red. But I am just not into clothes and such so it doesn't bother me them not matching.

    Good Luck with this! Put your energy into your wedding and forget about her.
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    LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
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    edited December 2011
    Ah, I remember this special separate dress shopping trip for her!  Sorry she's being difficult.

    Are you wanting to approach her to ask if she is changing the dress at all?  I think it seems fine to say something like, "FMIL mentioned that you were thinking of changing your bridesmaid dress.  Is there anything I can do to help?  Are you still happy with the dress?"  At that point she'll have to let you know what's going on and you two can discuss.
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    gmc22gmc22 member
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    edited December 2011
    Wow... so sorry that you have to go through this! No real advice here - just wanted to say don't be afraid to call her and talk to her about this (the BM dress situation/flower girl dress situation)! It IS your wedding after all and you have every right to let her know what you do and do not want! Keep us posted on what happens!

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    KimWardKimWard
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_fsil-issueadvice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:116Discussion:1fcfa30d-f35f-4245-b7fb-659860a5fe99Post:a09ca555-bc6b-41f7-a6ff-7991711eaedc">Re: FSIL issue...advice needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ah, I remember this special separate dress shopping trip for her!  Sorry she's being difficult. Are you wanting to approach her to ask if she is changing the dress at all?  I think it seems fine to say something like, "FMIL mentioned that you were thinking of changing your bridesmaid dress.  Is there anything I can do to help?  Are you still happy with the dress?"  At that point she'll have to let you know what's going on and you two can discuss.
    Posted by LaFemmeRousse[/QUOTE]

    This. I think it's all about how you phrase it. LaFemme's phrasing still lets you inquire about what's going on, but in a friendly, helpful way. Hopefully she'll come around and let you know what's going on. Good luck!
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    kat112kat112
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    edited December 2011
    I would really try to stay out of it if I were you... I know it's easier said than done, but it's your FI's sister so let him deal with her. She is going to be family so do you really want a rocky start to your relationship with her?

    In the grand scheme of things her not speaking at your shower and wanting to alter her dress differently aren't THAT big of a deal, so I would try to let it go.  (Again, (I know, easier said than done heh)

    That is really nice of you to be so considerate about her comfort in the dress - maybe she is adding a piece at the top because she wants to cover up more? Regardless your wedding will be beautiful and try not to let her actions dampen anything for you!
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    KRMacKRMac
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Kat - I don't really think these are big issues at all.

    If you BMs are wearing different dresses, what does it matter if she alters the top of hers?  Or wears a shawl or jacket if that makes her more comfortable?

    And I would have asked her specifically about the FG dresses ahead of time.  Like "did the FG dresses for the girls come in?  Do they look good?  I can't wait to see them in the dresses - can you send me a pic or two?"  Or even go up and see the girls try them on yourself.  It isn't her wedding, so you can expect her to obsess over the details of things the way you would.  

    If it were me, I would let these things go.  If you think the relationship is strained already because you moved to MD, then it is even more important to start things off on the right foot with the wedding, IMO.
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    king26king26
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry this is happening,  It's crappy when peoplle just go over your head and do stuff like that.  Fortunately for you, your girls are all wearing different dresses so if FSIL wears hers a little different no one will know the difference.  I say just ignore it and go on with everything else the way you want.  You're wedidng is in less then 3 weeks and you don't need the stress!
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    kwynnkwynn
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    edited December 2011
    I'd just roll with it and let her alter the top of the dress. Maybe she's just adding a modesty panel or something in the front?

    Same thing with the flower girl dresses. I'd just let it go. I'm sure they will be just fine after alterations and maybe she didn't want to bother you about it.

    The shower thing is immature, but she looked like a jerk, not you. :)


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    KRMacKRMac
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    edited December 2011
    Oh, good point about not wanting to bother you about this stuff too, K!  My BMs kept asking me questions like "should I wear the straps on my dress or wear it strapless" and "what length do you want our dresses hemmed" and it made me want to jump off the roof.  They wore different dresses and I could have cared less what lengths the hems were or if they went strapless.  I had way more important stuff on my plate at 3 weeks out.
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    LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_fsil-issueadvice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:1fcfa30d-f35f-4245-b7fb-659860a5fe99Post:463883d9-b2ab-4677-872b-13ab3a573bd3">Re: FSIL issue...advice needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, good point about not wanting to bother you about this stuff too, K!  My BMs kept asking me questions like "should I wear the straps on my dress or wear it strapless" and "what length do you want our dresses hemmed" and it made me want to jump off the roof.  They wore different dresses and I could have cared less what lengths the hems were or if they went strapless.  I had way more important stuff on my plate at 3 weeks out.
    Posted by .KRM.[/QUOTE]

    This is SUCH a good point, and I'm feeling exactly the same way right now :)
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    kime31kime31 member
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice!  I think I am going to ask her in the was LaFemme suggested about the dress.  Not so much so I can tell her what to do with it but just so I know what to expect ahead of time.  As for the girls dresses, the dress shopping is fixing it for us.  There is more to it than I have explained and its just really sad b/c FI is at the point where he can't wait for the wedding to be over so he doesn't have to speak with her.  This saddens me b/c their relationship shouldn't be like that at all.  Also, its not just me noticing things or commenting on it, its pretty much everyone else involved in the wedding too including his mom that has noticed it.  But hey, I guess its her deal to figure out!  Thanks again!
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