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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

to invite or not to invite a mostly absent father? plz help this is huge delemma for me

Ok so my boyfriend and I are talking about getting married so we joined this sight. I have pretty much all my ideas of my wedding figured out but there is one thing I am so confused about my heart vs. the "right thing" ??? I lived with my father for my high school years until a few months before graduation. We had a huge falling out and I left. Right before graduation I swallowed my pride and gave him tickets to my graduation and asked if he was still coming. He took the tickets and said yes. At my ceremony there was no father of mine in sight and I cried all throughout my special day. 3 years went by until we spoke again and it was only after another family member told him I was expecting my first child and he better step up and be a father to me. We spoke on and off again for 3 years until after I had my second child. Since having my second child (who will be 6 soon) I have only seen my father 5 times. Last time I seen him I called and said im coming over, It was fathers day of 2011. I took fathers day gifts we had a picnic etc. The day was good. And then nothing. He has my phone number, my email, my physical address and I dont hear from him. I finally got to point where why should I keep trying when he shows little interest as a relatioship goes both ways? Anyways this brings me to my dillemma. Do I invite him and allow him to do the fathers job and have the privildge of walking me down the isle or not? What I really want is not to invite him and have my godfather give me away. However then I think what if one day he comes to his senses and we develop a better relationship and he sees photos of someone else doing it, it will crush him...... ugh help!!!! What is the right thing to do??????

Re: to invite or not to invite a mostly absent father? plz help this is huge delemma for me

  • edited June 2012

    Invite him as a guest, have your godfather walk you down the aisle.

    My father is the same way, always has been. It's just never been in him to be a good father. Granted part of that was growing up without a father (his father passed away) and part is his generation, I think.  Not many men took the time to be good fathers when I was growing up.  I had him attend as a guest at my wedding, my adult son walked me down the aisle.

    edited to add that we did a father/daughter dance.  You could do this also, if you think his feelings would be hurt by not walking you down the aisle.  It doesn't have to be a sappy sweet song!

    Anniversary
  • I would invite him as a guest and plan on your godfather giving you away. If your father steps up and says he wants to do it, then watch his behavior throughout your engagement. From an outsider standpoint, not completely knowing your situation, I think your godfather makes more sense to walk you down the aisle. You do not want to have one of the most important days of your life riding on his shoulders again.
  • I agree with previous posts.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In the end it is your decision to make.  But I agree with PP, that if you do invite him, then do it only as a guest.  Have your godfather walk you down the aisle.

    If you want to keep the possibility of a relationship open with your father, then send the invite.  If you feel that you are done trying to have a relationship with him, then do not send him the invite.  But you need to make this decision yourself, don't let other people make this decision for you as it is your relationship with your father that is on the line.
  • Unfortunately, I have been struggling with the same issue. I have chosen to invite my father. He will be at our "family dinner"(rehearsal dinner) the night before, he will have the option of riding in the limo with the guys, and I have purchased him a boutonniere, but he will not be walking me down the aisle. We have decided on something else, as noone will be walking with me. Hope this helps!
  • have the man who is most important to you and closest to you give you away. It might break his heart in the future that he wasnt the man that he should have been but this is not his day, it is yours. He needs to realize that he was wrong to keep you out of his life for so long when you have been trying to have him in yours.

    Maybe if you have a brother or grandfather, or depending on how your son is or what he is doing in your wedding he might be your biggest love so he could give you away too...that would be really cute, also it is another way that wouldnt hurt your dad so much in the future if he does come to his senses.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-invite-or-not-to-invite-a-mostly-absent-father-plz-help-this-is-huge-delemma-for-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c254013e-cacb-4587-989c-846625a6f992Post:4a11767a-3a41-4252-94da-79713f32f4fd">Re: to invite or not to invite a mostly absent father? plz help this is huge delemma for me</a>:
    [QUOTE]have the man who is most important to you and closest to you give you away. It might break his heart in the future that he wasnt the man that he should have been but this is not his day, it is yours. He needs to realize that he was wrong to keep you out of his life for so long when you have been trying to have him in yours. Maybe if you have a brother or grandfather, or depending on how your son is or what he is doing in your wedding he might be your biggest love so he could give you away too...that would be really cute, also it is another way that wouldnt hurt your dad so much in the future if he does come to his senses.
    Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]

    maybe have both your children give you away?
  • edited June 2012
    I have struggled with this too as my dad was abusive, then distant as I was growing up and now tries to have a relationship with me every once in awhile. All daddy problems are different and I agree that you should make this decision on your own and really take time to weigh what it could mean for your relationship with your father.
    I decided that I don't want to give my dad the privilage of giving me away over my mom (who really raised me) but I also don't want to hurt his feelings. Since it isn't important to me to be given away, it's a tradition I am alright with skipping and I will walk by myself. He will definitely be invited and I intend to have a father/daughter dance with him because music is important to me and I think that was his doing.
    Good luck on your decision. 
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I just recently attended a wedding where the bride had a very strained relationship with her dad.  Initially the bride didn't want to invite him at all, but her fiance told her she might regret it in the future.  Long story short, she invited him as a guest.  She had her brother walk her down the aisle, and she danced with her brother.  It seemed to be a good resolution to the dilemma in her case.

    As an aside, her father's date was a local prostitute with a proclivity for inappropriate dirty dancing, but it reflected poorly on him NOT his daughter, who was a gorgeous bride!
  • My father and I don't have a great relationship but on my wedding invitation I put my mom and step father first and I put his name after.  We started having a relationship 10 yrs ago but he's really never done anything for me. I know he regrets not being in my life because we have had talks about that. My stepdad who I acknowledge as my father has been there for me since I was 1yrs old. I may share my father/daughter dance with my real dad but my stepdad will get first dibs.  He has done everything for me and hasn't treated me any different from my sisters.  He is super excited about me getting married and that just makes me feel so good.  I hope my real dad shows up because he will be getting out of rehab the day before my wedding.  I know he loves me and regrets not being there so I may share the dance with him.  I believe you do what you feel and know in your heart is right.  At the end of the day, we can't change who our real father's are but we put a smoke screen on the truth and knock out the men who have truly been there through everything!

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