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Long MIL Vent FI Uninvited her

1BabyFritsch1BabyFritsch
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids

 I don’t know what to do anymore

My fiancée’s mother has just gone too far.

Here is the back-story my fiancée is from NY most of his family still lives there.  When he moved here he was taken in and essentially adopted by a family here. They put a roof over his head for a year until he could find a place to live and get a job. They consider our son their grandchild and he knows them as his grandparents.

 My fiancées mother in the 6 years he has lived here has been visiting family 2 hours away every year and on only 2 occasions one being our sons1st birthday comes to visit, the other time she was here for less than 24 hours. My fiancée has traveled to visit her 5 times in the 6 years. My fiancées mother has never been a good mother by any means there is a lot of tension still from her lack of parenting from when he was a child.  My fiancée’s sister has Cerebral Palsy and my fiancée lived with her before he left for the Marine Corps and essential took care of her and her two kids for about 2 years. She is now engaged as well to a good guy who is taking care of her and who loves her. They are getting married this year as well (October)

After everything that has happened my fiancée and I thought things were going to get better after his mom and sister were here for my sons 1st birthday. Although when they were here there was some talk about why we decided to get married before his sister. She felt like it was to 1 up her and we explained to her that we decided to get married in June since we are in a lease option to buy our house and have to purchase it in august and wanted to be married before we had to buy the house plus we knew months before our actual engagement that we would be getting married and had pre planned a lot of what we had wanted. We thought this would make sense to them.

Fast forward 4 months and my fiancée mom tell him that she/ his stepdad/sister/her fiancée/her two kids will most likely not be coming to the wedding because of fiancés.  My fiancée is very upset there were words exchanged and my fiancée actually has uninvited his mom/ stepdad/sister/her fiancée/her two kids from the wedding all together.  I feel so bad for my Fiancée and I don’t know what to even say. I feel like things as spiraling out of control.
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Re: Long MIL Vent FI Uninvited her

  • nlindsay17nlindsay17 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    There's not much you can do about it. Your FI needs to deal with it since it is his family. There seems to be a lot of history there. All you can do is stay out of it and support your FI in whatever he decides. Best of luck!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    Do you mean that Fi's mom said they would probably not be able to attend your wedding because of finances? If that's the case, then you either help them out or you accept that they are not able to attend, without being angry. Also, Fi's mother does not have a right to speak for the whole family. Things heard second or third hand should be regarded as meaningless gossip.

    What you should do is - nothing. When the time comes to send out invitations, send his family members invitations and wait for the RSVPs.

    The argument over the wedding dates is ridiculous. Each of you gets to choose the wedding date that suits your needs. You didn't owe them an explanation.
                       
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  • 1BabyFritsch1BabyFritsch
    10 Comments
    I used spell check but yes finances.
    There is no way we are helping her pay to come see our wedding. After everything she has said and done to us at this point she isnt even allowed to come FI is not sending her a invite. An she has been told she is not welcome in our house.
    She was not speaking for the whole family her and his sister have both talked to FI.
     I am not asking what to do about her I am asking what to say to him in this situation were he is upset.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    If your fi is distressed over his family situation, he should get some counseling. He has a right to cut ties with his family if that is what he wants. Include his 'adopted' family in your lives, since he feels close to them. When he talks about his mother and sister, just listen to him without making disparaging remarks. I know it doesn't seem possible, but one day he may want them back in his life.

    edited for spelling
                       
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  • calliopeia2013calliopeia2013 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    I don't really understand from your post what your FMIL has done that made your FI so upset- if they can't afford to come to the wedding, then they can't afford to come to the wedding.  Honestly, from what you've posted here, it sounds like he's completely overreacting, but I'm willing to believe that there's way more going on here than you posted.  I guess, if he's overreacting, the best way to support him is to tell him so.  If he's not, and there IS way more going on here, then all you can really do is give him your love and support when his family is unsupportive and hurtful.


    P.S. I don't mean this in a snarky way, or a grammar nazi way, just, FYI, "fiancee" is the word for someone female to whom you're engaged; "fiance" is the word for someone male to whom you're engaged.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_long-mil-vent-fi-uninvited-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7793a769-3e88-4995-b032-aca43d04e86bPost:c77c95f3-9c55-47fc-b297-849e01df334b">Long MIL Vent FI Uninvited her</a>:
    [QUOTE]  I don’t know what to do anymore My fiancée’s mother has just gone too far. Here is the back-story my fiancée is from NY most of his family still lives there.   When he moved here he was taken in and essentially adopted by a family here. They put a roof over his head for a year until he could find a place to live and get a job. They consider our son their grandchild and he knows them as his grandparents.   My fiancées mother in the 6 years he has lived here has been visiting family 2 hours away every year and on only 2 occasions one being our sons1st birthday comes to visit, the other time she was here for less than 24 hours. My fiancée has traveled to visit her 5 times in the 6 years. My fiancées mother has never been a good mother by any means there is a lot of tension still from her lack of parenting from when he was a child.   My fiancée’s sister has Cerebral Palsy and my fiancée lived with her before he left for the Marine Corps and essential took care of her and her two kids for about 2 years. She is now engaged as well to a good guy who is taking care of her and who loves her. They are getting married this year as well (October) After everything that has happened my fiancée and I thought things were going to get better after his mom and sister were here for my sons 1 st birthday. Although when they were here there was some talk about why we decided to get married before his sister. She felt like it was to 1 up her and we explained to her that we decided to get married in June since we are in a lease option to buy our house and have to purchase it in august and wanted to be married before we had to buy the house plus we knew months before our actual engagement that we would be getting married and had pre planned a lot of what we had wanted. We thought this would make sense to them.<strong> Fast forward 4 months and my fiancée mom tell him that she/ his stepdad/sister/her fiancée/her two kids will most likely not be coming to the wedding because of fiancés.   My fiancée is very upset there were words exchanged and my fiancée actually has uninvited his mom/ stepdad/sister/her fiancée/her two kids from the wedding all together. </strong>  I feel so bad for my Fiancée and I don’t know what to even say. I feel like things as spiraling out of control.
    Posted by 1BabyFritsch[/QUOTE]

    I'm confused about why your fi would uninvite his family after they already told him they wouldn't be attending the wedding.
                       
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2012

    OP - I"m guessing there are tons of backstory behind their relationship and we now have the straw that broke the camel's back.

    As far as what you can do - listen if he wants to talk about it.  Really listen.  Don't have a response or solution ready - just listen.  Probably the best thing you can do.  He is coming to terms with a relationship that sounds pretty unhealthy and he has to figure out what to do with that and how to fit it into his life.

    Just be there for support, don't make snarky comments about his family.  Concentrate on the wedding planning and include his adoptive family.  Good luck to you.

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