Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA

Re: Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA

• Summer2011Bride member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidsisterinlaw-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f7945d7-48ac-48f1-a76f-c80fabf078efPost:b1de989e-e01f-440a-8811-ac901725ab0d">Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA</a>:
  [QUOTE]Out of curiosity I wanted to post an issue I had during my wedding planning. Throughout my wedding I had difficulty with all my bridesmaids and MOH over a dress that suited all their bodytypes.  After a lot of back and forth  over an entire year of bridesmaid fittings where most of the bridesmaids were surly (my fiance witnessed their attitudes so I know I'm not projecting) it was finally settled on a vera wang black dress from Davids Bridal.<strong> Seeing this attitude from them I took the advice of one of the bridemaids and chose the makeup, hair, accessories (which I purchased as a gift and it ran me quite a bit of money)</strong> and the shoes. Keep in mind it was 6 weeks to the wedding before these girls could decide on a dress alone and I saw it happening with the accessories and overall look as well.   Well, when the shoes came in for them three of the five bridesmaids had no issue with them except one, my fiances' sister who when I explained the other bm have no problem with the shoes for the pictures and ceremony proceeded to tell me she was there to celebrate her brother's wedding and not my day so she wasn't wearing them for more than 20 minutes. I replied, with my fiances blessing, that she shouldn't trouble herself <strong>since at the end of the day it's about me, him, the priest, our son and a witness to the ceremony but thanks for all her 'support". </strong> Once this exchange occured my fiances family proceeded to exile me and him as insensitive and show-offs (mind you we paid for the entire wedding ourselves) and gossip about us to everyone, other family, friends, etc.  Am I wrong to have felt and reacted the way I did (keep in mind these people and my fiances sister have been friendly with me for 6 years prior to the wedding)?
  Posted by bunny11w[/QUOTE]
  
  It IS very difficult to find a dress that is in everyone's budget and that they all feel flatters them. Did you ask their budget privately ahead of time? If they have varying body types, did you consider letting them each choose a different style dress in the same length, color, and fabric?
  
  To the first bolded: even though you paid for them, you essentially made your BMs look like clones of one another, and it sounds like made them wear very uncomfortable shoes. Not being able to decide on a dress that fits everyone's budget and body type is no way indicative of not being able to do their own hair and makeup, which they do every day of their lives. I think you went way overboard there. Also, shoes are so individual to each person. What is comfortable to one is not to another, so I would have let them pick their own shoes.
  
  Yes, the wedding is about your marriage but once you ask people to be in a WP and start inviting guests, you need to be proper hosts and consider their comfort. It does not sound like you considered the comfort of your WP at all.
  
  So it's hard to say if how you reacted is appropriate because I don't know that we're getting the whole story, and I think you're underestimating how crappy what you did was (making them all wear the exact same hair, makeup and shoes and not really caring about their comfort at all but rather how your wedding looked).

  
  
  
  
  

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• bunny11w member

  

  November 2012

  Despite what they felt about the outfits, I gave them a year and a half to decide what they wanted on their own and less than two months before the wedding they still couldn't come up with a solution as to a dress, hair, or accessories amongst themselves at all. Yes I did consider their budgets which is why I was limited at to what I chose. So I'm, pretty sure I gave them ample time to come up with what they wanted and they still couldn't. My question is as to whether my sister in law's attitude towards me and my fiance was appropriate or not.  Regardless of what I did or didn't do should she have made such a comment? 

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• brdsmd12

  

  November 2012

  They didn't pick a dress until 6 weeks before?  That would piss me off too

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• BrittneyRN

  

  November 2012

  I definitely do think you overreacted. The BMs don't all need the same hair, make up, shoes, etc.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  November 2012

  I think you were wrong too.
  
  But does it matter?   A whole family of people think so and now this has affected our H's and your relationship with them.   If people here sided with you would you say, "Look ILs, the internet says I'm right so you need to welcome me back with open arms!"
  
  You micromanaged someone and booted her for not liking shoes and BOOTED  her from the wedding.   Over shoes.   They go on her feet.  When's the last time that you paid attention to the footwear of the bridesmaids long enough to get riled up over matching feet?
  
  If your bio is right, you've been married for almost 4 months and have yet to say an apology.  Is this really how you wanted to begin married life?   Realize you were wrong and start saying, "I'm sorry."  This is a big mess for you to clean up and you get to do it over shoes.
  
  Oh, and BTW, shoes, jewelry and hair aren't presents when they're for your wedding.

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• kmmssg mod

  

  November 2012

  Ditto Banana and thanks for saving me all that typing.  How's Chiquita?

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidsisterinlaw-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f7945d7-48ac-48f1-a76f-c80fabf078efPost:84aa1ab0-ecef-4878-9bad-ab1f3f6889fc">Re: Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA</a>:
  [QUOTE]Despite what they felt about the outfits, I gave them a year and a half to decide what they wanted on their own and less than two months before the wedding they still couldn't come up with a solution as to a dress, hair, or accessories amongst themselves at all. Yes I did consider their budgets which is why I was limited at to what I chose. So I'm, pretty sure I gave them ample time to come up with what they wanted and they still couldn't. <strong>My question is as to whether my sister in law's attitude towards me and my fiance was appropriate or not.  Regardless of what I did or didn't do should she have made such a comment? </strong>
  Posted by bunny11w[/QUOTE]
  
  They were right; you were wrong. There. Question answered.

  
  
  
  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2012

  You're about as wrong as you can get.
  Was it worth it to you to lose the respect of your ILs over shoes? If you're trying to sever ties with his family, you're off to a good start.

                     

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  banana - You've been missing for a few days. Did you lose power during the hurricane?

                     

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• banana468 member

  

  November 2012

  Yes we did!   We were out from Monday at about 5:30 until yesterday at about 11 AM.   My office was also out of work all week so I was "lucky" to spend my Saturday working.
  
  In the grand scheme of things we were fine.   We didn't lose trees and all of us in the house are OK.   A friend lost her sister in this and it's just awful.  
  
  Chiquita is doing fine!   I will post a belated Halloween photo soon.
  
  To the OP, I hope you haven't come back yet because you're so busy apologizing.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2012

  That must have been hard with a little one. I'm glad you're ok.
  I'm sorry about your friend.
  

                     

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• Peledreamsofrain member

  

  November 2012

  let's boil the situation down to the most basic level:
  
  You traded a pair of shoes for an entire family's good will.
  
  I leave it to you to determine if it was worth it, and if it was nice of you to make this trade.

  Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• HobokensFury member

  

  November 2012

  You started a family war over shoes. You're dead wrong.

   
   

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• libby2483 member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidsisterinlaw-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f7945d7-48ac-48f1-a76f-c80fabf078efPost:84aa1ab0-ecef-4878-9bad-ab1f3f6889fc">Re: Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA</a>:
  [QUOTE]Despite what they felt about the outfits, I gave them a year and a half to decide what they wanted on their own and<strong> less than two months before the wedding they still couldn't come up with a solution as to a dress, hair, or accessories amongst themselves at all. </strong>Yes I did consider their budgets which is why I was limited at to what I chose. So I'm, pretty sure I gave them ample time to come up with what they wanted and they still couldn't. My question is as to whether my sister in law's attitude towards me and my fiance was appropriate or not.  Regardless of what I did or didn't do should she have made such a comment? 
  Posted by bunny11w[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>I'm confused about what sort of solution they would need to come up with regarding hair or accessories.  I told my BMs to wear whatever silver shoes they wanted, as well as whatever accessories they wanted.  I told them they were welcome to get their hair done at the salon with me, but they were also welcome to do their own hair or get it done at a place of their choosing.  Everyone showed up looking beautiful, and since I had left the options open, I didn't have to pay for all of these things.  I think your problem was trying to micromanage these little things that didn't really matter.  So, in a word, yes, you were wrong because you put your relationship with your in-laws before a pair of shoes.</div>

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• Simply Fated member

  

  November 2012

  Did this sister say okay to these shoes before she saw them?
  

  
  

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• renegade gaucho member

  

  November 2012

  If this is the way you treat people all of the time, I can see why your SIL isn't a big fan.  You were completely out of line here.  This must have been one amazing pair or shoes to merit starting a family feud.

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• mcda04 member

  

  November 2012

  I think you need to let it go and apologize to your SIL. Your response was out of line, there was no need to tell her “she shouldn't trouble herself since at the end of the day it's about me, him, the priest, our son and a witness to the ceremony but thanks for all her 'support".  This basically says, I don’t care what you think it’s still about me. There was no reason for you to dictate what shoes they wear, she was being nice enough to wear them for your pictures.

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• bunny11w member

  

  November 2012

  Actually I didn't kick her out nor did I harrass any of them. I told them to come up with something on their own and they all wanted to match themselves so I told them it was fine. Giving people  a year and half to pick isn't harrassing it's being considerate of their budget and schedules so they could get together and decide.  two months before the wedding they kept asking  me what I wanted and the bridal salon told us we needed to place the orders on everything for it to arrive in time for alterations.  So yes as the bride I had to make a decision since I couldn't be worried about them so close to the wedding.  So I will continue to be wrong for making a decision for people who don't realize the wedding isn't about their personal feelings over their outfits but my fiance and me having a religious ceremony (not a reception where they just stressed how much fun they were going to have at the open bar).  They all ok'd everything I chose (which three other bridesmaids helped to find in order to make it easier for me), the shoes , hair , jewelry, etc. But none of this matters now since I just found out she ordered a half size down in the shoes because she doesn't like to order shoes that are 9, which is her actual size, but ordered an 8 1/2.
  

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• bunny11w member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidsisterinlaw-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f7945d7-48ac-48f1-a76f-c80fabf078efPost:6c7aebb8-1db8-4f2a-b3d4-acd99c87bbc8">Re: Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA : I'm confused about what sort of solution they would need to come up with regarding hair or accessories.  I told my BMs to wear whatever silver shoes they wanted, as well as whatever accessories they wanted.  I told them they were welcome to get their hair done at the salon with me, but they were also welcome to do their own hair or get it done at a place of their choosing.  Everyone showed up looking beautiful, and since I had left the options open, I didn't have to pay for all of these things.  I think your problem was trying to micromanage these little things that didn't really matter.  So, in a word, yes, you were wrong because you put your relationship with your in-laws before a pair of shoes.
  Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]
  
  I only showed them a picture of what they should aim for and told them to do their hair and makeup wherever they wanted. They ok'd the makeup look and hair (which was suggested by more than one bm). I also told them to stick to an overall loook but  they insisted they wanted to match. My problem was trying to please everyone's style and their insistance on wanting to match. In the end they wanted me to take time out to pick and research everything for them instead of doing it themselves and I was tired of offering them different options everytime they asked. So yes two months before the wedding I was fed up with accomadating people to the point where I hadnt even picked my own hairstyle or makeup or had time to create ceremony programs that were bilingual, etc.

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• banana468 member

  

  November 2012

  Well now that you've said all this OF COURSE you had no choice but to kick her out. Seriously? You don't get it? You were wrong. Period.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  November 2012

  Maybe your SIL was in a bad mood because her feet hurt.

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• Qkellygirl

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidsisterinlaw-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6f7945d7-48ac-48f1-a76f-c80fabf078efPost:b1de989e-e01f-440a-8811-ac901725ab0d">Bridesmaid/sisterinlaw DRAMA</a>:
  [QUOTE]Out of curiosity I wanted to post an issue I had during my wedding planning. Throughout my wedding I had difficulty with all my bridesmaids and MOH over a dress that suited all their bodytypes.  After a lot of back and forth  over an entire year of bridesmaid fittings where most of the bridesmaids were surly (my fiance witnessed their attitudes so I know I'm not projecting) it was finally settled on a vera wang black dress from Davids Bridal. Seeing this attitude from them I took the advice of one of the bridemaids and chose the makeup, hair, accessories (which I purchased as a gift and it ran me quite a bit of money) and the shoes. Keep in mind it was 6 weeks to the wedding before these girls could decide on a dress alone and I saw it happening with the accessories and overall look as well.   Well, when the shoes came in for them three of the five bridesmaids had no issue with them except one, my fiances' sister who when I explained the other bm have no problem with the shoes for the pictures and ceremony proceeded to tell me she was there to celebrate her brother's wedding and not my day so she wasn't wearing them for more than 20 minutes. I replied, with my fiances blessing, that she shouldn't trouble herself since at the end of the day it's about me, him, the priest, our son and a witness to the ceremony but thanks for all her 'support".  Once this exchange occured my fiances family proceeded to exile me and him as insensitive and show-offs (mind you we paid for the entire wedding ourselves) and gossip about us to everyone, other family, friends, etc.  Am I wrong to have felt and reacted the way I did (keep in mind these people and my fiances sister have been friendly with me for 6 years prior to the wedding)?
  Posted by bunny11w[/QUOTE]
  
  How many bridesmaids did you have? Its amazing how this kind of stuff happens with big wedding parties. Right now I just have my MOH but I was considering adding my fiancee's sister. After reading this: NO THANKS
  
  Hope it works out for you

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