I just don't understand.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

One of FI's really good friends got engaged last week and I'm really happy for her, since it's what she wants. What I don't understand about it is:

-She's 19 and he's 32 or something.

-They've only been dating since like August.

-They've set a date for May 2012.

-She's still in college and has about 2 years left.

I don't understand the rush, or the age gap. Thoughts?

diamondx423 · December 2011

Some people are in love with being in love. I have a friend like this, in one year she told 3 different guys she "loved" them, and believed she meant it each time. She drives me nuts.

daria24 · December 2011

I would give it the side-eye too, though the most worrisome part to me is that she's only 19 and she still has a lot of school left. I would hate to miss out on two years of the typical college experience because I was married.

I remember being 19, I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I thought we would get married the SECOND we graduated college. Senior year we broke up and I realized that in those two years we had both become completely different people.

I think when you are that young you feel rushed to experience those moments in life that you have looked forward to-being on your own, getting married, starting a family, etc. As I got older I realized that rather than thinking "hurry up and get here" I should enjoy having something to look forward to, because once it happens, it doesn't happen again. Hopefully once the initial excitement wears off, she'll realize there is not rush and she can at least wait two years to finish school.

Danidawn20 · December 2011

I don't know. ButI'm distrubed at the age gap.

acaponi87 · December 2011

Yeah, I don't understand either.

But whatever!

Zimsgirl · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:efc1a679-c9d7-411c-be5e-e5778f8a6ce8">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would give it the side-eye too, though the most worrisome part to me is that she's only 19 and she still has a lot of school left. I would hate to miss out on two years of the typical college experience because I was married. I remember being 19, I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I thought we would get married the SECOND we graduated college. Senior year we broke up and I realized that in those two years we had both become completely different people. I think when you are that young you feel rushed to experience those moments in life that you have looked forward to-being on your own, getting married, starting a family, etc. As I got older I realized that rather than thinking "hurry up and get here" I should enjoy having something to look forward to, because once it happens, it doesn't happen again. Hopefully once the initial excitement wears off, she'll realize there is not rush and she can at least wait two years to finish school.
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]<div>I think you need to be careful of comments on age. I'm 19 and getting married in June. I'll have 2 years of school left and have been with FI for 3 1/2 years. I don't like being judged for my age and when I get married so I would recommend OP don't do the same. It really sucks. When people would see my ring at first and some even now the first question I would get is how old are you? Just respect their decision and not judge

</div>

Megbo2012 · December 2011

I try not to judge other people's relationships. I guess I don't find the age gap that big.

Sarah0335 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:6c032a32-f927-499a-9146-e05e473e6572">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just don't understand. : I think you need to be careful of comments on age. I'm 19 and getting married in June. I'll have 2 years of school left and have been with FI for 3 1/2 years. I don't like being judged for my age and when I get married so I would recommend OP don't do the same. It really sucks. When people would see my ring at first and some even now the first question I would get is how old are you? Just respect their decision and not judge
Posted by Zimsgirl[/QUOTE]

I don't mean for you to tkae this wrong, but I think sometimes it is hard not to think about people who get married young. I try not to judge, but I honsetly sometimes feel more concerned for them. I think when I look back and see how much I and all of your friends have changed since college it makes it hard not to. IMO you need to have a period of being on your own after school to figure out who you are before you become a we.

However, everyone is different and some people are ready to get married at 19. I have met many couples that have been happily married for many years that were married young. I don't think people mean to be offensive when they talk about age. I think it is more driven by concern for the people.

edw7479 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:03922f31-e59b-45fe-97b9-369c549f5e39">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]I try not to judge other people's relationships. I guess I don't find the age gap that big.
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

Zimsgirl · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:faef55e1-7d69-42b7-80c2-6501a5f0bd7e">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just don't understand. : I don't mean for you to tkae this wrong, but I think sometimes it is hard not to think about people who get married young. I try not to judge, but I honsetly sometimes feel more concerned for them. I think when I look back and see how much I and all of your friends have changed since college it makes it hard not to. IMO you need to have a period of being on your own after school to figure out who you are before you become a we. However, everyone is different and some people are ready to get married at 19. I have met many couples that have been happily married for many years that were married young. I don't think people mean to be offensive when they talk about age. I think it is more driven by concern for the people.
Posted by Sarah0335[/QUOTE]<div>I just think it's rude for people to judge right off the bat. You may think you'd need time on your own after school to be a we but I definitely don't. We've gone through more than a lot of couples have and it's only made us stronger. I don't think anyone should ever judge someone's relationship regardless of age because you're not in it so you don't know; even if you're their best friend. When I moved into my dorm last year people would notice my ring. We had just met and they'd be like how old are you? They didn't even know me and would judge. It's just rude and it just causes problems

</div>

abunger · December 2011

I'm suspicious of that dude...

gregamywedding · December 2011

I know some people don't have a problem with age difference but in my opinion I really don't see what a 19 yo and 32 yo have in common. But if they truly love each other and make each other happy then there is nothing wrong with it. That being said I do think they are rushing into it. Marriage is a big commitment. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting engaged or talking about getting married when you have been together for less than a year, but I think you should be together at least a year before that big day comes around. This is just my opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone.

cebrady89 · December 2011

No matter what the age is, I wish people would give themselves time for a longer engagement. Not just for the planning aspect, but it gives you time to sort things out (finances, living situations, etc) that you may not have talked about before.

I'm getting married right after I graduate from college, and I'll still have three years of law school after that - so being in school and married doesn't bother me. As far as the "typical college experience" that PP's have said people need before getting married - never understood what that meant. Hooking up with randoms? Getting wasted on a daily basis? Sure, I have a good time at school, but I go to college for an education, not for some magical experience or whatever. I just don't like that being a reason for judging someone's decision to get married.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

I have nothing against being married/engaged young, I'm 22 and getting married and I've been engaged since I was 18 and still in high school. People have always told me that I'm too young to be engaged. I just think that the age gap could be a difficulty for them because of the difference in maturity and experiences. She's just getting out in the world and he's trying to settle down. To me, it looks like they're at really different places in their lives and that might cause issues later.

At the same time though, if it's what makes her happy, and I have seen her really happy while they've been dating, then I guess they should go for it, I would hate to plan a wedding in that short amount of time though.

CvilleClaire · December 2011

Ageism creeps into everyone's thoughts from time to time. It's natural.

I think (and statistics support me) that many people, regardless of age, are way too quick to jump into marriage.

Pixieliddle23 · December 2011

I see nothing wrong with the age gap. My sister's husband is 20 years older than her and they are so good together. I think as long as they both love each other and make each other happy then it shouldn't be a problem to anyone. It may seem a little rushed but sometimes people just know they're with the right person and want to get married.

doeie04 · December 2011

The age gap doesn't bug me. I have two good friends that are about 20 years apart. They met at work, we were all friends, and they started dating when she was 19. They are happily married with one daughter and he has a 17 year old daughter.

Age gaps only bother me when one person is immature and hasn't "grown up" yet.

I have to say that they are jumping in really fast, and that throws up red flags to me.

57rainbows · December 2011

There are always going to be examples of couples who went against conventional wisdom and had great success. That does not, however, mean there is no correlation, or that those factors are insignificant. It just means you cannot predict the outcome of a particular marriage with 100% accuracy. Every marriage is going to be a little different!

We had some neighbors who were exactly 10 yrs apart in age, with the man being older. They were married until he passed away at an old age; I don't know how many years exactly but more than 50! I couldn't see myself with anyone more than a few years older than me. It's already a little tough that FI and I are in different phases of our lives even though we're only a few months apart in age; I'm still paying my debts from college, my car, and some credit cards, I live for free in my aunt's rental house, and I don't have a full time job. He works full time, has only one credit card of debt, and lives in a nice apartment. It'd be hard for me if I was still in school and he was years into his established career! Just seems really different.

I was with FI for 5 months when we got engaged. The reason I was comfortable with that is because I've dated several guys before and really gotten a solid understanding of what I like, what I don't, what I need in a spouse... and because we had lots of support from friends and family and sought spiritual peace. When I was 19 I had never had a real boyfriend and was completely wrong about what I thought I wanted! Haha. So that would have been a disaster for me. The first three guys I picked were not good long term choices for me. FI has family friends though that met and were married within 6 wks. They are going on 35 yrs of marriage I think.

I hope it works out well for her. I don't think factors like age, school, and time known/together can predict a marriage's happiness but I DO think that if you're going against the grain it's wise to seek advice from people you trust and make sure you're really sure!

franklissa · December 2011

I don't see a problem with the age difference if both people are marture and legal adults.

Carebear62584 · December 2011

I just don't understand why all of these age issues are coming up in the last 2 days. I don't need anyone to say I am contradicting myself because I said it before....everyone is at different points in their life, regardless of age. I do feel though, that some of you that are younger are getting a little too defensive about this. Some of these posts were about people in their personal lives, not on this board....you are not them, you are not in the same situation as them, and you do not know them. While it may be right for you, it may be not for other people. In a nutshell, those of you that are younger are taking it too personally.

MissyB1313 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:a9b05226-b8cc-48a8-ad8c-30d1726db456">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't understand why all of these age issues are coming up in the last 2 days. I don't need anyone to say I am contradicting myself because I said it before....<strong>everyone is at different points in their life, regardless of age.</strong> I do feel though, that some of you that are younger are getting a little too defensive about this. Some of these posts were about people in their personal lives, not on this board....you are not them, you are not in the same situation as them, and you do not know them. While it may be right for you, it may be not for other people. In a nutshell, those of you that are younger are taking it too personally.
Posted by Carebear62584[/QUOTE]

<div>This. (I'm a young one.) I don't really give two sh*ts what anyone thinks of me and FI getting married young. (21 & 23 on our wedding day.) I don't take it personally, it is true that many young couple do rush into it, and most don't last. I get that age question waaay to often at work (I'm a hairstylist/manager of a salon). Depending on my mood, either throw our a random number, tell the truth, or tell them they need to guess because a lady never reveals her age. </div><div>
</div><div>To the OP, 19-32, definately would look at it twice, but whatever makes them happy I guess? Our 2 1/2 years apart make us from different planets some days, so I can't imagine 10 + years. </div>

CvilleClaire · December 2011

I'm just thinking out loud...

I wonder what the college retention stats are for people who get married during college. I wonder if there's a difference in the stats for the genders. I'm sure there's data out there somewhere.

I remember a friend's roommate at another college who got married as a sophomore. The husband was done with college already She was at a highly selective school and she was a very smart girl in a applied math program. She tried to do all the normal college things after the wedding. She wound up leaving college the next year. I always wonder if she ever finished or if other things took priority.

L&J2012 · December 2011

My parents are 8 years apart. They met at a clogging competition, lived in different countries, started dating 2 or 3 months later and were engaged a month later. They did have a 1 year engagement, but still, I'm not one to judge age differences or the suddenness of the engagement. FI and I knew after a month or two that we were going to get married, but I wanted to finish school, first. My red flag is the short engagement, especially since she's still in college. I don't know the guy so I can't judge, but I worry that he's trying to take advantage of her somehow. Like I said, I can't judge, and maybe they really are that in love, but what if they're just in the honeymoon phase and a year from now realize they hate each other?

goodine11 · December 2011

My mother always said you can date someone for twenty years and not know them and the person you date for two months you can spend a life time with. I believed her after I broke up with an ex after a five year relationship, I felt like I didnt know him. I dated my FI for ten months before the engagement, and I feel like I have known him for a life time. LOL.. I know of him when we were kids, but I didnt know him like a freind.

As far as age, I can only speak for myself, I knew for a fact at ages 18-26, I was not ready for marriage. I wanted to enjoy my twenties as a single women. I use to tell everyone I would get married when I am thirty. I am getting married one month short of my 30th birthday. And I can say I am truly ready. I guess it depends on when you are ready.

Shelly527IN · December 2011

What would bother me the most is the fact that they've only known each other since August and getting married in May. Plus, she's still got two years of college. What's the hurry? I think a couple should be together at least a year before they marry.

KrisKenny · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_just-dont-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:3541eb19-7f98-45a8-88aa-ba9424cc0d1aPost:f69ed6bb-d27c-4947-8492-3f454c77ffcf">Re: I just don't understand.</a>:
[QUOTE]No matter what the age is, I wish people would give themselves time for a longer engagement. Not just for the planning aspect, but it gives you time to sort things out (finances, living situations, etc) that you may not have talked about before. I'm getting married right after I graduate from college, and I'll still have three years of law school after that - so being in school and married doesn't bother me. As far as the "typical college experience" that PP's have said people need before getting married - never understood what that meant. Hooking up with randoms? Getting wasted on a daily basis? Sure, I have a good time at school, but I go to college for an education, not for some magical experience or whatever. I just don't like that being a reason for judging someone's decision to get married.
Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]

I like all of what is said.
I didn't have the "typical" college experience. Heck, I was pregnant my freshman year of college, got married, separated, and was a single mother raising her son on her own by the time I graduated college. Too bad AGE had nothing to do with it. Some people change for the good as you get older, and other change for the bad. I was the unlucky one who's first marriage didn't last. HOWEVER, that is not to say that because you are young that it won't. I have a friend from college who got married young and they are still together and going stronger than ever. They were high school sweethearts. Every relationship is different and it's bad to judge.

Oh, and the age gap - some people know what they want. My FI is 10 years older than me. Does anyone around me see anything wrong with that? Nope. Because we love each other and are going along the same path, side by side.

I just don't understand.

Re: I just don't understand.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

I just don't understand.

Re: I just don&#039;t understand.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: I just don't understand.