Wedding date = FSIL due date...

Bridgebo117 · August 2010

Just got back from a weekend with FI's family, and learned that his SIL (his brothers wife) is pregnant, which is great. Problem is, the due date is our wedding date, and they live 4 states away.

FI's brother is his best friend and is scheduled to be the Best Man. We've been engaged since March and have already nailed down everything, and paid our deposits. FSIL tells me while out on a walk this past weekend she's preggo and the due date. I say, "Oh, well thats my wedding date"... she says "Oh my god, I totally forgot about that! I don't know what to do now!" (she called me 2 months ago to ask the date so she could take time off work to come, so I think it's a little goofy she had no idea when the wedding was).

I sound terrible, but it just makes me a little sad that now the wedding is going to be pretty much an "inconvienience" for FI's side of the family. They mentioned us changing the wedding date, which we can't, as we're locked into our contracts and would lose out all the money we put in. (side note, his mom and grandma said they wouldn't recognize our marriage if we didn't have it in a church with the whole family there, so thats why we're going this route rather than our original Las Vegas wedding we wanted from the get go...)

I'm happy that they're continuing on with their family and all, most definitely...they're good parents, and I have no siblings so their kids will be my only neices/nephews, but I am just disappointed that FBIL said flat out "Change the date, because we wont be there" (they live in NE and we are in MN, so it wouldn't be easy), and that they didn't even take into consideration that they might miss the wedding if they tried right now....1 month on either side would have been just fabulous... Their daughter was scheduled to be the flower girl, too, so we'd have to reconfigure that one. And to top it off, FMIL says she'd like to be there when baby #2 is born. So, there goes his side of the family from the list, and we're the jerks in the situation.

Just needed to get this off my chest. I'm not so much mad as I am sad, really. My FI is a stellar guy, who is kind of soft spoken and has always played second fiddle to his boisterous, outgoing, (sorry to say it) center of attention older brother, and he was so happy to have him be able to stand up at the wedding, and then to get told "We wont come, too damn bad, change your date"... I guess I just have to shake it off and pull up one of the ushers into the BM spot if need be. I'm sure I sound like a total bridezilla, but its just a little hurtful is all....

gottahavashorti · August 2010

That sucks but life happens. Keep in mind that a lot of babies come a couple weeks early or late, so it's possible that at least your FMIL will make it. Just ignore FBIL's comment if there's no way to change the date.

You can also always invite them to come visit you or go to visit them a few weeks before or after the wedding. You'd get to spend more time with them then than you would at the wedding anyhow.

Don't replace the flower girl or BM. It's fine if sides are uneven, and you can still list them as wedding party members with a notation that they were unable to travel due to a new addition in the family.

What does your FI think of all of this?

SarahPLiz · August 2010

Well, she can't change her date, so I guess its just a crappy situation.

ecsmiles · August 2010

That stinks that they won't be able to make it - but since (and I'm no expert) you aren't supposed to travel long distances in your third trimester the only option would be to push it back for them to come. But even if you did change your date to a few months later, there's no guarantee that they would stlil be able to make it. It might be too difficult to travel with the newborn - not to metion the costs of traveling.

I think your best bet is to go on with the wedding as planned. FMIL might be able to still be there for the birth, as sometimes people go into labor a few days before/after their projected due date.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

Well you sound like you've got the right attitude. I can see why you are bummed, that really does stink. I guess now you have to decide whether it is worth the money lost to change the date. However, if you do change things, I would be very tempted to go with your original plans.

It is unfortunate the the brother can't be the best man, but honestly he can't miss the birth of his child. That's not even an option. But, if FI's parents won't be coming either...well I would seriously consider my options.

MarriedInAFever · August 2010

I like your caboose, Jas.

pirategal03 · August 2010

That all sounds like crappy timing. I would think that from states away, with their own lives and young daughter on their minds, they may not have realized that the due date would fall close to your wedding. It probably wan't planned to interfere at all.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

It sucks. I was actually terrified that this would happen with our wedding. We're going out of the country with just parents and siblings. If my sister got pregnant and her due date was right around the wedding, her and my brother in law would be out and so would my parents (it's their first grandchild).

I took a deep breath and decided that whatever was going to happen would happen and if the pregnancy timeline happened that way, we'd re-tool our wedding to work around our new neice or nephew.

Take a few deep breaths and mull over the situation. You may become okay with moving the date or you may be okay with missing a few family members. But, Sarah is right, she can't change her due date.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

It's a sucky situation, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do. It's rude of FBIL to just assume you can and should change your date, and of your FI's family to make you the bad guys.

I honestly don't know what my mom would do in that situation. For a first kid she would definitely miss a wedding for the birth. But for the second? I think she should go with her son's wedding. But babies being born isn't that big a deal to me, so that's easy for me to say, you know?

jenellsrevenge · August 2010

I can understand the FBIL not being at the wedding, but honestly, the FMIL should be there. You've already mentioned that can't change the date without losing money, and she should be understanding and respectful of that. I'm sorry, but a wedding only happens once and that new baby will still be there when she gets home.

katiewhompus · August 2010

I understand being bummed but she can't change the date of the wedding and her husband really does need to be there. It sucks that the mom is going to but that is her decision.

I also think it is a bit selfish to say/imply that they should have waited, or planned a due date around your wedding. Getting pregnant is not something that can be planned and if you lived your life trying to conceive around events it just wouldn't happen at all. I also chuckled about her "Oh I forgot the date of your wedding" comment when she said her due date. Again, it's not like she picked that exact date, nature did it for her.

Also as pp's have said sometimes they come early, so who knows, maybe they will be there after all.

breezerb · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wedding-date-fsil-due-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6382b00e-ec7d-4804-98eb-7a23e4610b7bPost:e7570bdc-2cdd-4c3c-9672-380f686e7456">Re: Wedding date = FSIL due date...</a>:
[QUOTE]That stinks that they won't be able to make it - but since (and I'm no expert) you aren't supposed to travel long distances in your third trimester the only option would be to push it back for them to come. But even if you did change your date to a few months later, there's no guarantee that they would stlil be able to make it. It might be too difficult to travel with the newborn - not to metion the costs of traveling. I think your best bet is to go on with the wedding as planned. FMIL might be able to still be there for the birth, as sometimes people go into labor a few days before/after their projected due date.
Posted by ecsmiles[/QUOTE]
THIS.

There isn't really a point in changing your date because unless you are willing to move the date like 6 months after the birth, they probably still will not come. I agree with PPs that it is strange your FMIL would miss her sons wedding for the birth of a second grandchild (especially since your wedding is on a specific day and the birth can be any day within a 2-3 week period)

Bridgebo117 · August 2010

I understand FBIL will be with his wife. I would feel really awkward if mom and new baby were back home fending for themselves and he was up at our wedding drinking and dancing. It'll be all or nothing when it comes to that. Period. And I agree, if new baby comes, it'll be there they day after the wedding and FMIL can head down to see it then...I'd like her to be there, too.

I understand that it sounds selfish, but I'm trying REALLY hard not to be. I'm not like that. But, to beat a dead horse, its our ONE day. And, had I been in their shoes, I'd have said "Hey, remember, your only brothers wedding is happening on such and such date. I'd like us to be there to support them.." and just waited a month to try. I knoooow it sounds bad. SO snotty of me, but, I just can't help but have that thought pop into my head. They got pregnant on their honeymoon, first shot, they said. So, I don't think they've got much problem concieving when they set their mind to it. They told us they wanted to get pregnant again, and we were happy, but we thought they might time it out so she would still be able to travel while pregnant and be able to be there..

Thanks for your comments tho, everyone. I just learned about this on Saturday, so the initial disappointment is already wearing off... we'll deal with it.

katiewhompus · August 2010

I understand the disappointment, but remember that she can't travel for a time period before or after either (realistically). You wouldn't be waiting 1 month, you would be putting off having a child for, at the best, another 6 months. Then what if you have trouble trying to conceive? I understand that they didn't but I'm just trying to share "the other side's" perspective a little bit.

*hugs*

Could you see about setting up a webcam or skype the ceremony? That way you guys could at least talk before/after the ceremony and they could still be there in a way?

SweetLaura286 · August 2010

From my experiences babies can't be planned to be born or not born during a certain month, it just kind of happens. And this whole thing SUCKS... I would be very sad if I was in your situation. I am certainly surprised that MIL is chosing to sit around the hospital all day instead attending her son's wedding. I totally agree that she could fly out the day after for a visit.... I'm sorry

JB26368 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_wedding-date-fsil-due-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6382b00e-ec7d-4804-98eb-7a23e4610b7bPost:decb1026-0abc-498d-ba79-a48de9bb716d">Re: Wedding date = FSIL due date...</a>:
[QUOTE]I can understand the FBIL not being at the wedding, but honestly, the FMIL should be there. You've already mentioned that can't change the date without losing money, and she should be understanding and respectful of that. I'm sorry, but a wedding only happens once and that new baby will still be there when she gets home.
Posted by jenellsrevenge[/QUOTE]

I agree. It's not her first grandchild, and as bad as this is about to sound, you guys had your plans first. A wedding happens once, and if she's demanding enough to make you have it in a church and in a way you never even wanted, then she needs to be there. Your other option is to keep your date, let his family goe to NE, and be free to have your wedding the way the 2 of YOU want it. At least your FMIL won't be there is take it over.

Bridgebo117 · August 2010

Yes indeed. I agree! Maybe it was just her first reaction to the good news or whatever and will be there if FBIL and FSIL aren't. Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. It just seems like she was disappointed that she wouldnt be there for the birth of the kid or immediately there the days or whatever after to spend with new grandchild...thats why I was feeling like the wedding is an inconvienience, ya know? I know my FFIL will be there with us with bells on- never have seen a grown, burly man happier to have his son get married. So at least he's a good sport about it all

Thanks again for listening/posting. Its nice to hear rational comments. My mother/girlfriends were initially really pissed... this has calmed me down.

If all else fails, at least its 3 less plates at dinner to pay for..hah..

catemeg · August 2010

Hopefully the baby will be born a month early... totally long enough to be healthy, but enough time for FMIL and likely FBIL to attend the wedding. It's understandable that FSIL won't make it regardless.

Hopefully your FMIL will attend your wedding pending a call from your FBIL saying his wife is in labor - if it's the exact same day (which is unlikely) then sh*t happens. More likely it will be a few days before or a few days after. At least FMIL will be able to attend.

And usually when you try to get pregnant, you don't do it based on an expected due date. You don't sit around and count 9 months from the day you're having unprotected sex - you just decide you want another kid and start having lots of unprotected sex (and taking your temperature and such to determine ovulation). So likely it wasn't a consideration, and you need to at least let that part go. This wasn't done intentionally to take attention away from your wedding. I do thoroughly believe babies trump weddings, but only if it's the exact same day. Yes, FBIL and FSIL will likely not be at your wedding. With a little luck, at least FBIL will be able to attend. And unless the baby is extremely prompt (which few are), your FMIL should be at the wedding.

So take a deep breath, allow yourself one day to be annoyed, and then get over it and be thoroughly and completely happy for your FSIL and FBIL. This will be your future children's cousin!

kathrynhabibti · August 2010

[QUOTE]From my experiences babies can't be planned to be born or not born during a certain month, it just kind of happens. And this whole thing SUCKS... I would be very sad if I was in your situation.<strong> I am certainly surprised that MIL is chosing to sit around the hospital all day instead attending her son's wedding.</strong> I totally agree that she could fly out the day after for a visit.... I'm sorry :(
Posted by SweetLaura286[/QUOTE]

As it's coming from a woman who wouldn't recognize her grown son's marriage if the wedding didn't take place in a church, it doesn't surprise me.

OP, good luck with your decision.

Wedding date = FSIL due date...

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