Ok, so here's the long story. I've had no relationship with my mom, stepdad and 3 brothers for 11 years. They're all just very toxic people and I wasn't raised by them. I was raised by my grandparents and was incredibly close to my grandma who died of cancer 10 years ago. I haven't been very close to my grandpa since then but I've have kept in contact with him about once a month. I love him very much and he's the only family I have that is even remotely normal and decent. I think he has bad feelings for me because my grandma and I had a huge falling out when she was dying with cancer. We mended things before she died. (I was just having a hard time handling and accepting her dying) I just turned 18 when she passed so I wasn't mature enough to know how to handle basically loosing my mother. It just seems no matter what I do in life he is unimpressed and sometimes even surprised that I could have any success in my life. He doesn't EVER call me, has never been to my home, never has invited me, my fiancé or my stepson to his house. I usually go over by myself uninvited. He's very nice and asks about my life but that's as far as it goes.
So when I told him I got engaged he seemed excited. I asked if he would walk me down the aisle, he agreed. He asked me if I have told my mom about my engagement and I said no. I'm not inviting her so why would I tell her. She could care less. (I've talked to her once in 11 years) We've never had any relationship. He disagreed that I should invite her because she's my mother. I explained to him that my wedding was going to be a small wedding with only our close friends and family and that he and his new wife would be the only family of mine invited. He dropped it.
He has asked since then if I've decided to invite my mom. I told him she will not be invited. He said "what if I won't go to your wedding if you don't invite your mother?" I was immediately shocked and devastated. I was calm and told him that I understand that me not inviting her puts him in a bad spot with my mom. But if he decides not to attend my wedding because of that it will not change my mind or damper my wedding. We are having a small wedding surrounded by our close friends and family. Only amazing positive people in our lives will be there and unfortunately my mom doesn't have a place there.
He thinks that I hate and resent my mom and I need to get over it. Honestly I really don't. She is a stranger to me and I don't want her there. It would just make things weird at my wedding and I just don't think I should have to endure that just because she gave birth to me.
I'm pretty sad about the whole situation because I've always wanted my grandpa, the man who raised me, to walk me down the aisle. Its hard enough not being able to have my grandma there but now my own grandpa!
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!
PS I'm NOT inviting my mom so please don't tell me to invite her, please
Re: My grandfather won't go to my wedding (long)
[QUOTE]Ok, so here's the long story. I've had no relationship with my mom, stepdad and 3 brothers for 11 years. They're all just very toxic people and I wasn't raised by them. I was raised by my grandparents and was incredibly close to my grandma who died of cancer 10 years ago. I haven't been very close to my grandpa since then but I've have kept in contact with him about once a month. I love him very much and he's the only family I have that is even remotely normal and decent. I think he has bad feelings for me because my grandma and I had a huge falling out when she was dying with cancer. We mended things before she died. (I was just having a hard time handling and accepting her dying) I just turned 18 when she passed so I wasn't mature enough to know how to handle basically loosing my mother. It just seems no matter what I do in life he is unimpressed and sometimes even surprised that I could have any success in my life. He doesn't EVER call me, has never been to my home, never has invited me, my fiancé or my stepson to his house. I usually go over by myself uninvited. He's very nice and asks about my life but that's as far as it goes. So when I told him I got engaged he seemed excited. I asked if he would walk me down the aisle, he agreed. He asked me if I have told my mom about my engagement and I said no. I'm not inviting her so why would I tell her. She could care less. (I've talked to her once in 11 years) We've never had any relationship. He disagreed that I should invite her because she's my mother. I explained to him that my wedding was going to be a small wedding with only our close friends and family and that he and his new wife would be the only family of mine invited. He dropped it. He has asked since then if I've decided to invite my mom. I told him she will not be invited. He said "what if I won't go to your wedding if you don't invite your mother?" I was immediately shocked and devastated. I was calm and told him that I understand that me not inviting her puts him in a bad spot with my mom. But if he decides not to attend my wedding because of that it will not change my mind or damper my wedding. We are having a small wedding surrounded by our close friends and family. Only amazing positive people in our lives will be there and unfortunately my mom doesn't have a place there. He thinks that I hate and resent my mom and I need to get over it. Honestly I really don't. She is a stranger to me and I don't want her there. It would just make things weird at my wedding and I just don't think I should have to endure that just because she gave birth to me. I'm pretty sad about the whole situation because I've always wanted my grandpa, the man who raised me, to walk me down the aisle. Its hard enough not being able to have my grandma there but now my own grandpa! Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated! PS I'm NOT inviting my mom so please don't tell me to invite her, please
Posted by OctoberWedding41582[/QUOTE]
It might be that he's weary of all the turmoil. You mentioned that you had a big falling-out with his wife, your grandma, on her deathbed. Now you've decided to not invite his daughter, your mom, to your wedding. I'm not trying to be a jerk-- I'm sure you have your reasons for everything. But that's a lot of drama for anyone.
As far as your grandpa not coming, I would be really hurt about that also. But, it's his decision to make. Just as its your decision not to be emotionally blackmailed, as hard as that is. Don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty because the rest of your family can't get it together.
[QUOTE]Thanks! When he said that to me I think my heart must have stopped for a moment. I wanted to immediately start crying and beg him not to do that to me. But I held it together and just talked calm and let him know if that's what he decides that it won't change anything. And that I really wish he would come. He is just set on his ways and his new wife also thinks I'm wrong to not invite my mom too. I will still call him and talk about the wedding, send him std's and an invitation. <strong>I was really hoping that this wedding would help us to be closer.</strong> He had always bugged me about when me and my boyfriend would get married. But I didn't think it would come to this.
Posted by OctoberWedding41582[/QUOTE]
Unfortunately, that doesn't often happen. More commonly, weddings bring out the worst in people, and cause divisions in relationships that were previously solid.
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I'm sorry you're going through this. The good news is: you're about to get a brand new family. That's pretty cool, right? Do you have a close male friend that could give you away? Heck, doesn't even have to be a male.