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my parents cant come!

FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
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in Chit Chat
so i am fortunate enough to have a destination wedding, i have paid photographer, package and all up front, its just over 4 months away... and an at home reception...

my mom broke the news to me that she cannot get off work, and i dont know what to do! i dont want to change the ceremony, its my dream wedding, but its so hard to think that my mom cant make it because of her job? to be honest, she argues with me about having a destination wedding, she thinks its a waste of money (she isnt paying for any of it) and doesnt want me to do an away wedding. the only way she says she can make my wedding is if i have it on a Sunday, in our home town. there is absolutely nothing here, for a venue, except churches! i dont want a church wedding, and its not like i could have a church wedding on a Sunday anyway... she is always griping about it, and makes me feel super guity for having such big dreams, then tells me to do what i want.

maybe i just need to vent, this is causing me so much added stress and HURT!
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Re: my parents cant come!

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    maddie7maddie7 member
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    Where is your destination?  I kind of find it hard to believe that a mother wouldnt make every effort to attend her daughter's wedding, nor would an employer give in?  Something is up like you said she just doesnt want to go or doesnt like the destination.  Destination wedding sound and can be glamorous, but they are taxing on family and guests. My bro married in Peru, it was a long trip, fabulous wedding, but no family but immediate attended. Good luck!
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    murphanzomurphanzo
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    We were originally going to do a DW, but my dad couldn't make it so we're doing one here.  The thing is that when my dad told me he couldn't afford it he gave me his blessings to go ahead with it.  He said if it was my dream to get married abroad then all he wanted was for me to be happy.  Even though your mom can't make it has she at least said to do what makes you happy?  Ultimately, it's your wedding.  Don't give in to peer pressure to have it at home if you're going to look back and be resentful or sad that you didn't have the wedding of your dreams to please one person.  Will you have any other family there or will your FI?  Try explaining it to your mom that this is what you want and you're still going to have a reception that she'll be able to attend.  Stay strong and do what makes you and your FI happy
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    FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
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    i have offered to help financially any way i can, im getting married at Gulf Shores, which is driving distance, 8 hours drive, but still cheaper than flying. there are condos that i have offered her to split with other family members... but still no luck. its so heartbreaking for my mom to say she cant come, and it hurts. i will be honest, and say this: when i tell her a solution to a complaint, she has another, when i solve it, there is yet another. like her sister cant make it, because its just to expensive and dont i want family there? i accepted when i decided to do this, that some people just wouldnt be able to make the tirp, that is why i booked my reception back home. but as far as my aunt is concerned, the wedding is closer to her than the reception is! so i dont see why she cant make it. at first, mom seemed excited, and was talkingabout ways to cut costs (shes a bargain hunter) and was saying she could come down in her camper and get a site. thats fine with me! but then, my negative father began his sjpeech about wasting money and all, why dont i just go to the river if i want to marry near water, and then lectured me on how i am too young to marry (im 24, been married before and although it failed miserably, i knowwhat went wrong, and i am very, very mature, i am a mother also) and i will just screw it up, yadda yadda yadda. i am marrying the most amazing man i have ever met, he is an amazing father to my little girl, loves her so much, his family all loves me and her, and my brothers love my FI, i dont understand what the deal is here. 

    part of me feels selfish for my dream of marrying on the beach, and another part tells me if i dont, ill regret it. 
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    FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
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    lots and lots of is family is coming, and friends of the family even will come. he has a big, close knit family, although they are spread out, some live as far away as Colorado, and they are making the trip... i have friends that are coming, just none of my family. 
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    maddie7maddie7 member
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    Does she like the guy you are marrying? This is your 2nd marriage.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment

    It sounds to me like you'd regret your mom not being there more than regretting not getting married on a beach.

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    FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
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    i am very different from my parents, i just want to explain that, they are pretty country, have gardens, and hunt, and things like that. i cant stand the thought of killing an animal, and dont need a garden... i would rather buy my food, and not eat deer meat altogether. my FI is like me, which is rare where i live. my dad would rather me marry a guy he can go hunting with, and do things like that with, but i am marrying a wonderful man. mom sees how he loves me and my daughter, how he supports us, and looks out for us. its just that she has had 3 failed marriages (when i say dad, this is my stepdad, this is the only man that has ever cared for me though, my real father is out of my life) and her current one is not so great. they fight a lot. i believe that she doesnt want me to be like her, she never approved of me dating after my divorce, even though it has been over 2 years... 
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    julbgordojulbgordo member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    It sounds like there really isn't much that you can do at this point in time except try to get your mom to work it out to be able to go.  At only four months away and most things paid for, you'd probably be out of most of your money if you cancel.  As an adult, you need to make the decision if it's more important to have the wedding of your dreams or to have your mom in attendance.  It isn't to late to have both though.  Good luck.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Doesn't your mom get any vacation time at all?  Surely she has known about this for months.  I know that can be a challenge in many jobs, even months out - and a wedding isn't an employer's problem.  Do you think she honestly tried to ge the time off?
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    maddie7maddie7 member
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    Being that its a 2nd marriage, do something at town hall, and take the money and go to Gulf Shores on your own for your honeymoon. 
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    manychihuahuasmanychihuahuas member
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    At some point everyone has to draw the line with their parents.  She knew that the wedding was going to require time off whether it was in town or away.  She failed to address the issue and childishly assumes that will allow her to get her way.  Bad behaviour all the way around.

    Why should you lose the wedding you want - not to mention your deposits - and inconvenience the people who have already made plans at the current venue?  Seriously, it is within driving distance - it is not Europe!  There is no reason for the negativity. 

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    manychihuahuasmanychihuahuas member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:be03c8e1-8962-4787-8a02-9a97f1aa5ea7">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Being that its a 2nd marriage, do something at town hall, and take the money and go to Gulf Shores on your own for your honeymoon. 
    Posted by maddie7[/QUOTE]

    I am disturbed by this.  Why is a second wedding any less special than a first?
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    snwilson0416snwilson0416 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:9ea867d1-3846-4010-9ad8-de543cce60b7">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my parents cant come! : I am disturbed by this.  Why is a second wedding any less special than a first?
    Posted by manychihuahuas[/QUOTE]
    ITA. Just because it's a second marriage, why should she have to go to town hall? (Not that there's anything wrong with a town hall ceremony, just that OP doesn't seem to want that kind of thing.)
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    aegrishaegrish member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:80096527-f3b8-4581-807b-beb019aff854">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Doesn't your mom get any vacation time at all?  Surely she has known about this for months.  I know that can be a challenge in many jobs, even months out - and a wedding isn't an employer's problem.  Do you think she honestly tried to ge the time off?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This is what I was wondering...
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    Reilly626Reilly626 member
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    Wow this sounds like a "Teen Mom" episode!

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    ABeautifulMindABeautifulMind
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:be03c8e1-8962-4787-8a02-9a97f1aa5ea7">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Being that its a 2nd marriage, do something at town hall, and take the money and go to Gulf Shores on your own for your honeymoon. 
    Posted by maddie7[/QUOTE]

    That is just ridiculous statement!   It is her first marriage to this man.  Whether she has been married before is hardly the issue! 


    Your wedding should be YOUR dream day.   It sounds like your mom is being really difficult.  HOnestly, I cannot even imagine my mom and dad not being there.  But if I were in your position I would tell my mom how hurt I was.  If she continued to tell you she couldn't make it I'd just try to accept it and keep going with your planning as is.  It is not fair to you or your FI to have a day that is anything less than what you both want.  Just my opinion.    *hugs*
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    sessionsweddingsessionswedding member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2011
    Honestly, Gulf Shores is a VERY cheap destination.  I live literally an hour away and hang out there sometimes.  It's not that hard to afford coming down here.  I think it's a little suspicious that she "can't get the time off" from work.  You should maybe talk to her about why it is that she doesn't want to come to your wedding.  My mom is a bit like yours with the whole "do what you want" thing when she doesn't get her way, but she is getting off work on a Saturday - and she's a nurse so getting a weekend off is a big deal - to come to my wedding.
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    maddie7maddie7 member
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    I wouldnt make anyone drive 8 hours to see me get married again because its on a beach. You are forgetting the true meaning and getting caught up in the aesthetics. Get married in a park or someone's yard near water? Did you have a big wedding with the first guy?
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    manychihuahuasmanychihuahuas member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:05004ec3-1804-4421-97ad-eaf1ff8abe10">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my parents cant come! : I don't think any of us, maybe even the bride, are able to say with certainty that MOB "failed" to plan for time off work, or that an 8 hour drive is considered "within driving distance" for her parents.  Not everyone has understanding employers and money to burn.  Even driving, the trip would not be cheap. There are all kinds of reasons why someone might not be able to get time off work.  Maybe the employer isn't understanding.  Maybe the mother is on thin ice with the employer and asking for a few days off would be the last straw (because it wouldn't just be the day of the wedding; it would at least be the day before, too).  Maybe the MOB simply can't afford the trip. Personally, I don't understand why a location would be more important than having one's mother at the wedding.  If it were me, I'd have a local ceremony and a cake and punch reception that my parents could attend, then go to Gulf Shores on a honeymoon.
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    Agreed that all of these are possibilities.  However, if they are the actual reasons, she should have said so at the beginning and told the OP she would not be able to come to the Gulf Shores location - not just raise vague objections and grumbling as the poster stated.  It is only at this late date when the deposits have been paid and the dye is cast that she informed the OP that she would not come.  Again I state - bad behaviour!
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    manychihuahuasmanychihuahuas member
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    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:8543ddee-2410-4102-ab2c-bade70c68847">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldnt make anyone drive 8 hours to see me get married again because its on a beach. You are forgetting the true meaning and getting caught up in the aesthetics. Get married in a park or someone's yard near water? Did you have a big wedding with the first guy?
    Posted by maddie7[/QUOTE]

    Again - who cares what she did with the FIRST wedding?  A second marriage is no less wonderful and deserving of respect than a first.  This not-so-subltle sneering at second marriages is very insulting.

    Edit - subtle not subltle!  One day I will learn to type.....
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    FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parents-cant-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:020d7e77-7a38-47de-a9c9-bfc64de773caPost:be03c8e1-8962-4787-8a02-9a97f1aa5ea7">Re: my parents cant come!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Being that its a 2nd marriage, do something at town hall, and take the money and go to Gulf Shores on your own for your honeymoon. 
    Posted by maddie7[/QUOTE]
     had my first marraige been anything to brag about, i would. he was controlling and abusive, i didnt get to have a proper ceremony, and at the time, i wanted out. but went through with it because i didnt think i had a choice. <div>
    </div><div>so this wedding is special, he treats me like gold, and loves me and cares for me and my little one unlike anything i have ever experienced. since he truly is the one, i want it to be special. but thanks. :)</div>
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    FutureMrsElmoreFutureMrsElmore
    First Comment
    in response to others, my mother has a much higher paying job than I, and she makes trips to visit family that are hours away often. and i was looking into a beautiful garden venue, only 2 hours away, but she was still negative (just FYI there arent any nice places here that i can find) because she just cant get off work for one day. she told me to do what i want, and she would try to come. her last excuse was my brother had a ball game the night before. he is in the band. SERIOUSLY? im wondering am i selfish? she told me to do what i wanted, so i did. we have offered to help pay for her gas, and put her in a room that would run super cheap, so long as she doesnt mind staying with others (we have several condos reserved, total costs are 1000 per condo, sleeps up to 10, so its inexpensive) and i havent asked mom to pay for anything. her costs would be pretty low, so i feel she is making excuses, and cant figure out why. 

    thanks everyone for alll the input, i appreciate it. maybe just venting is what i need, but i do need to get to the bottom of it, and thats just between me and her. 


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    jenniferacampbelljenniferacampbell
    First Comment
    honestly, i would be pissed off if it was my parents.  but i am really stubborn and i would tell them not to come if they couldn't.  why should you have to worry and stress over THEIR decision.  they are your parents and that is their choice to not show up, they will have to live with that decision, not you.  also, it is your wedding day, you should not have to alter your plans to make others happy or make it more "convienent" for other people.  just tell your mom how you feel and if they still don't want to come, that is their decision.  good luck!
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