Living together before marriage, what do you think?

kaitlynanddavidm · November 2010

** I don't frown on people who live togther before marriage it's just not for us**

I'm looking for advice. It was never our plan to live together before the wedding, we're living chaste right now and want to continue right up until the day we're married. However, fiance is unemployed and it looks like he's out of a place to live until he can find work. If he were to live with family it would be a struggle to find work as they are out of state. I could move back in with my family but that adjustment would be hard and so at this point I have avoided that possibility. My Catholic guilt has peaked though and I'd like to find a solution that works. Right now we are taking turns sharing sleeping quarters. One night he's on an air mattress on the floor and the next in my bed while I'm on the floor. Trying the best we can but I'm still concerned that we may not be doing the right thing.

wifeandmommy0609 · November 2010

Fl and I have been together for 7 years (8 years this coming may) We have been living together for 7 years( I moved in with him after a week of dating). We have two children (age 4 and 1) we eloped in 2008 in vegas but now since i am becoming catholic we will have our catholic church wedding in april 2011!

I am becoming catholic now.. he is catholic... our two girls have been baptized in a catholic church.

mica178 · November 2010

I commend you for trying to maintain physical separation during this difficult economic time. Obviously, living together is not ideal, but the main issue is living together as husband and wife vs. living together as roommates. It sounds like you two are trying to live together as temporary roommates until your FI hopefully finds employment again. If you feel temptation, could your FI sleep in the living room? Or could you occasionally spend the weekend at your parents' home just for temporary separation and privacy? Or could your FI occasionally stay with other friends?

I hope your FI finds a new job soon so you can have separate residences until you're married! Until then, keep up the good work!

Hope61 · November 2010

Agreed with PP--I commend you for trying to keep doing the right thing. What you are doing now is technically ok, but I imagine its hard and you're likely to face a lot of temptation (how long away is the wedding?) Personally, I think you should try to work something out where you're not living together at all, mainly for the temptation.

There's also the risk of causing scandal. "Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil." --CCC2284 Thats a rather harsh definition, but basically what it means is, you're living together and people don't (and probably shouldnt) know what does or doesn't go on in the bedroom. That is likely to put across the message that the two of you think living (ie sleeping) together is just fine, and that its not a sin. So you're not telling people to sleep together but you're appearing to condone it. So that may be something to take into consideration as well.

Hope that helps. I hope your FI finds a new job soon, and that you are able to figure out whats best for you two until then!

bibliophile2010 · November 2010

I agree -- it sounds like you are doing your best to do the right thing.

There are several girls here who will probably chime in here who lived with their now-husbands as brother and sister for some time leading up to their weddings, keeping seperate bedrooms and bathrooms. While not ideal, it certainly makes the best of a bad situation. From what you say, keeping fully sepearate spaces might not be possible, but like others have suggested, using the living as a second sleeping space might be better. I don't know how long it is until your wedding, or what your living space is like, but finding something sturdier than an air mattress might make you both feel more comfortable.

LAK011 · November 2010

FI and I moved in together this year, mainly for economic reasons. It was much more financially sound to pay just one rent instead of two especially since we were always together and one apartment would always go to "waste".

Why not look into a two bedroom apartment together? I, too, commend you for sticking to your morals by keeping chaste! However, I must disagree with what PP said about causing scandal. Who cares what people are saying! People will talk whether you live together, don't live together, take a long road trip, have lunch, etc. It's in the nature of people to talk about things that don't involve them. (Look at us all here getting the scoop on other ladies weddings! And of course for advice... hehe) The people closest to you (i.e. family and friends) will know you two are keeping your vow to be chaste, and those are really the only people that matter IMO. Hope this helps!

newlyseliski · November 2010

My fiance and I have chosen to live separately for the reasons mentioned above by mica and KatieAnne. My fiance has been in school for the majority of our 4 1/2 year relationship and I've been working. My fiance has rented bedrooms in houses near his school and I've lived alone and most recently I'm with roommates (currently in a house with 3 other engaged women!!). I had a significant pay cut that necessitated moving in with roommates... and opted for that versus moving in with my fiance. I agree that moving back in with the parents wouldn't be ideal... I'm too used to being on my own so would personally have a difficult time with it. My younger sister who is getting married this December actually just moved back in with my parents; and they've managed to balance it out pretty well. My parents have adjusted their expectations of how much we're around now that we're all out of the house! She basically just sleeps there because she's over visiting her fiance all the time.

Although I'd like to see my fiance more often than once a week and living together would facilitate that, I'd prefer to avoid the temptation of living in the same place! Chastity has been challenging, but it will no doubt be worth the wait. Your efforts to maintain that separation in the same living space are commendable! I do recommend looking for rooms to rent, though, if you and your fiance haven't committed to a lease yet... because you can sometimes find places that are at least half what renting your own apartment would be! Reach out to your friends in the area and see if any of them might like a bit of extra income by renting out a bedroom.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

I could move back in with my family but that adjustment would be hard and so at this point I have avoided that possibility.

how far out is your wedding? i agree, i could never move back home either, but if its for a few months? or, would your family be open to your FI living with them for awhile??

we kept separate bedrooms for the 6 months we lived together. it was a challenge, and not ideal, but our only other choice was to be forced to live separate AFTER the wedding until we found a place to buy. mileage requirements with my H's job would nto allow him to live in my apt, and his apt. was not an option for several reasons.

smore154 · November 2010

I am with LAK011- FI and I moved in last January together for economic reasons. My parents were fine with it and completely understood. You just do what you think is right.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

My husband and I did not want to live together before marriage, either, but due to his job situation, we had to in order to plan our wedding together. We had a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apt and kept our seperate rooms. While not ideal, our priest was more accepting of us trying to do the best we could given the circumstances. We were still married in the church and everything was fine.

ashleighc83 · November 2010

I highly commend you for sticking to your morals. In this world, morals are becoming very rare I find and I applaud everybody for great morals.

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years and have been living together for the last 6 years. We do have a child together already and I will admit that although we are both Catholics, marriage for us wasn't always an option, thus why we lived the married life without the marriage. Now we've decided to marry and we're marrying next year in Rome Italy at the Vatican!!! The Vatican didn't frown on our living arrangements. We were even told that being Catholic doesn't mean that you follow all the "suggested guidelines" (or what you may call it) because it's more on how one lives their life in the light of God and how one loves its fellow friends with the lessons we've learnt from the Bible. The church is becoming more accepting of the changing times.

When it comes to the bottom of it, you just have to follow your heart. Don't worry too much on what others will thing, because at the end of the day, yourself, your fiancé and God will know the choices you've made. Afterall, God gave you the gift of strength and courage to help guide you through life and I'm sure that you will find it to help you overcome your obstacles.

NOLAbridealmost · November 2010

Just live together! It makes perfect sense. If you are feeling guilt, think about all the other instances in which you might deviate from church dogma without feeling guilt (getting the Eucharist when you've missed a Sunday Mass before getting reconciliation, for example).

The Church rules can be archaic and at times, frankly, are broken by plenty of good people. Live together, save up a nest egg to raise your future Catholic children, and tell anyone who judges you to mind their own business. The main point is to love others and love God (despite what antiquated crap the priest might say.....he doesn't have to know!)

mica178 · November 2010

NOLA, while I agree that the main points of Christianity are to love others and to love God, I need to disagree with your advice to the OP. Yes, plenty of good people break the Church's rules, but that does not mean we should encourage it. And we especially should not be telling people that the priest "doesn't have to know!" How is dishonesty part of loving others? It's the epitome of disrespect. Better to admit to (y)our flaws and talk with your priest about good solutions to your problems than to lie to him prior to receiving a sacrament.

agapecarrie · November 2010

and then eve ate the apple...... geesh

k8ly · November 2010

What is it about the Catholic board that prompts people to say "Forget church teaching....follow your heart!" I don't see people on the Christian board tell the poor girl who is looking for support about staying chaste until they get married to "go ahead and do it!"

(For full disclosure, I am living with my fiance. I have struggled with my faith for many years, and am doing the best I can to remain Catholic after returning to the faith a couple years ago. I may have turned from my faith for a time, but I never turned on my faith. I don't understand people's bitterness.)

Kaitlyn - You are to be commended for taking the narrow, difficult road!

threepinkroses · November 2010

I don't really have any advice to give you. I think that you and your FI know whats best for YOU.

FWIW, I live with my FI and have since March.

cheryllynn228 · December 2010

My fiance and I faced the same issue. He was going to be attending school for his Masters and with the wedding less than a year away I wanted to find a job near where he would be living. I found a job I love but we were both on a minimal income and could not afford to live in separate apartments. We rented an affordable 2 bedroom and have still kept a chaste lifestyle. We've been nervous about what the Priest might say so it's helpful to hear that other people are going through the same situation.

And as far as what other people think...while I know it shouldn't matter...we've definitely ran into several instances where it did cause trouble for us. We joined a new church in our new city and before we had even met the people there I received a call from a woman in charge of CCD (I was going to volunteer for it) telling me she didn't approve of my living circumstances and that I better be sure to keep it quiet. I explained our situation but she didn't believe me and it created such an awkward atmosphere that we ended up joining a different church. Bottom line, unfortunately some people will assume things to be a certain way regardless of what you say. While it is a bit hurtful that people will make these assumptions, God knows what we're up to and I guess that's really all theat matters!

IrishBrideND · December 2010

You need to do what is best for you and your FI, which ever path that is.

H and I did not live together, but I have no issue with the concept. It was just best for us (in our opinion) to not.

agapecarrie · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_living-together-before-marriage-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:50f8c250-910c-43f5-aea1-6e3c1101ad26Post:2ac2f511-aa9a-4ae2-acf0-ba4031e9bd26">Re: Living together before marriage, what do you think?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage, what do you think? : If you're already married, why are you having another wedding?
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Because they are not validly married through the church. A civil marriage does not necessarily make a spiritual one. A catholic is bound by canonical form in sacraments.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

bree, its my undrstanding that wifeandmommy is having what is called a convalidation. while she's legally married in the eyes of the state, she needs to have her marriage recognized by the catholic church.

mica178 · December 2010

Some priests will allow the convalidation to be a huge wedding-like ceremony. Others do not. I have never seen or heard of a convalidation that resembled a wedding.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

my sister had a convalidation and it was just them and their 4 kids on a weekday afternoon. she had a wedding in the catholic church but the priest did not have authority to perform her marriage which she found out later. so her convalidation was to correct that error. i would have found it odd for her to have a big thing in that instance.

otherwise, for a convalidaiton i dont think its inappropriate to have a "wedding" in terms of a dress and a nice meal afterwards but i really think it should be kept somewhat low key and not filled with the usual events like showers, cake cuttings, first dances, etc. i personally would only invite parents and any children borne of my marriage but that's just me.

Living together before marriage, what do you think?

Re: Living together before marriage, what do you think?

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