advice for some rookies?

newenglandorr · May 2012

So... my FI is moving in this weekend! We've been all over the place trying to decide where to live when we get married, and we decided that the best financial decision was for him to move into my condo for a year so we can save money to buy our "real" house. It wasn't really either of our choices to live together before we get married, but his lease was up and his landlord was moving back into his townhouse. (The wedding is in 7 weeks).

Bottom line... we're both really nervous, but also excited, about the transition. FI just turned 40 and I'm 39. so we can be fairly set in our ways. He's been married before, I haven't. I've lived on my own for the last 10 years so this will be a big adjustment, and the condo is a fairly small space (2 BR, 1100 sq f).

We've done lots of things to prepare both the condo, and US, for the move. We've done some renovations, are moving some of his furniture in, got an extra TV/DVR box, etc. so we feel like we have separate spaces to go if we need a break from each other. We've also talked about this a lot in our premarital counseling, which has been hugely helpful. We've talked about expectations, how we will divide up household responsibilities, etc.

Any advice as we embark on this new adventure??

littlemoments324 · May 2012

FI & I just clicked when we moved into together...there are times where we're annoyed with each other...especially when I ask him to do load or unload the dishwasher...we both know what needs to be done & we get it done...

I don't really have good advice about it...=( Just have fun!

MeaganR12 · May 2012

We've had no issues living together, we just kind of fell into a routine. I do most of the cooking and the dishes, he does all the laundry including folding and putting it away. I clean the bathrooms, he dusts and vacuums the living-room. We naturally have a lot of give and go in our relationship, I think if you can manage that you'll be good.

The main thing you don't want is resentment toward one another. It's much better to tell someone, "why can't you rinse your fucking dishes?!", rather than doing it for them and resenting them for it each time.

AllyG303 · May 2012

Since you mentioned that you are both set in your ways: Pick your battles.

Little things irritated me A LOT. For example, It bugged the crap out of me when FI would spread his whole towel across the towel rack instead of folding it in half to fit 2 towels on there, and also that he would hang a hand towel over the cabinet below the sink.

Ultimately though, I figured it wasn't worth an argument because I know I do things that he isn't used to (i.e. leaving my clothes from the day on the floor and putting them away or in the laundry when I wake up the next morning)

michelle11988 · May 2012

Just relax and everything will fall into place. I have been living with FI for a few years now and we just fall into place with each other. I think in time it will all be fine. Don't stress out about making cleaning schedules and chore charts quite yet.

ski2play · May 2012

Enjoy it, you will find your groove. I think the best advice above is to pick your battles.

YuMMMy721 · May 2012

Communicate!! Talk to him without yelling when you are upset with something that is going on. The first few weeks will probably be rough with all the changes and things you are talking about, but it is better to discuss them early on, then resent them later. FI and I moved in with each other almost 2 years ago, and he brought up just a few weeks ago how something I do bothers him, I'm like "what?! we've done that for years", he said he let it go at first because he thought i'd just natrually see it upset him and change, and I had no clue!! so talk, talk, talk about EVERYTHING, even if it seems little, you don't want it to come back years from now!!

mrsmoxie · May 2012

I agree with the pick your battles. Living together for 5 years, I've learned to never say "why can't you do this or this?" it sounds degrading and I don't want anyone to talk to me like that. Also, I don't nag. If I want him to do something, and he just needs a reminder, I try pathetically doing it myself. Examples are mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. He doesn't like it when i try to do those things, so seeing me "try" makes him laugh and he will then enjoy doing his "Man's work." Lol anything to boost his ego! Oh! And I've learned it's ok to go to bed angry at each other or leave the room when you're angry. Sleeping it off gives you time to cool down and you both wake up realizing how silly that argument was.

BeachLover2885 · May 2012

Everyone has given great advice, especially pick your battles! I've lived with FI for 3 years, but before we moved in we rarely every had a disagreement. Once we starting living together, we definitely squabbled over little things, so try not to let the little things get to you! My friend didn't live with her H until after they got married, and she described living together as the honeymoon stage ending. I'm not sure if that applies to you, but I kind of agreed with her! I felt like once we lived together, we became much more realistic about each other's habits and personalities. I'm not saying we don't have HM phase moments, but I think once we moved in together, we became true partners, and saw the negatives and positives in each other. I can honestly say that living with FI was one of the best decisions we ever made together. It is an amazing feeling going to sleep every night with someone you love and waking up with that person.

My cousin's husband actually gave my FI and I some good advice about marriage. He said we tend to focus on the negative aspects which make up 10% of a person, instead of the positive aspects which make up 90% of a person. He said we need to look at the person as a whole, instead of nitpicking all of the things he/she does wrong, we have to say what is this person doing right. IDK if this is translating right online, but it made a lot of sense in person! My cousin's H is a counselor, so he does tend to give good advice lol.

I hope some of this is helpful! You will be fine

penny12986 · May 2012

I envy your 1100 SF!! FI and I make it work in 700 SF and the key is personal space. We also grocery shop separately because we eat totally different things. He likes to meander around the store and I get in and out in 15 minutes.

Communication is definitely the best thing and keeping a calendar on the fridge will help both of you know what is going on with the other one. I have found that just telling FI that we have plans is sometimes not enough but if he sees it on the fridge, he is reminded without me nagging.

KatieK501 · May 2012

Definittely pick your battles - but also calmly talk about expectations and unspoken "rules". Remeber that your FI doesn't automatically know your prefernces - so discussing things as the come up - in a nice way - helps. But it may not always happen the way you want or be your preference that you agree on - so remember the bigger picture.

I can think of a few things that my FI and I differ on (and still struggle with sometimes) - where to set dirty dishes (in the sink vs beside the sink - I prefer they just go straight into the DW!!), and how long before washing dishes (FI doesn't want the to sit in the sink more than one night - I like to wait til I have a pile). I like the bed made every morning - FI doesn't care...and since he's the last one out, sometimes it gets done, sometimes it doesn't. I don't like to cluter up the counter, so my stuff goes on the table; FI doesn't like to cluter the tables, so his stuff goes on the counter. It drives me nuts, but we both have a problem with leaving our shoes everywhere.

BmoreBride311 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_advice-for-some-rookies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:9e2019f6-bf15-4f5a-9657-85301ed6cc45Post:37eb2768-2cc8-48e8-97da-e9792fa227a4">advice for some rookies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've lived on my own for the last 10 years so this will be a big adjustment, and the condo is <strong>a fairly small space (2 BR, 1100 sq f).</strong> Posted by newenglandorr[/QUOTE]

Haha that made me laugh, b/c I currently live with my FI in a 1 BR that's about 550 sq. ft., and before this we lived in a STUDIO that was just under 500 sq. ft.! The joys of inner city living =)

I think you've gotten some good advice already. Like LMs said, my FI and I just clicked with living together. We actually started getting along a lot better, b/c with living together, we had a sense of sharing a life together, which strengethed our relationship so much.

Just make sure you communicate about all the little things you each need (help with chores, quiet time, etc.) and you will be fine. Enjoy it!!

bridetobe71412 · May 2012

hahaha Penny & Bmore, I thought the same thing! I just moved in with fiance into our 1BR NYC apartment, which I believe is somewhere around 600 sqft which is HUGE for NY standards.

I agree with PPs re the communication and picking your battles. Fiance and I weren't going to live together until we were married, either, but same thing happened to me. My lease was up and I just figured it was better to move in early than sign another year's lease. I have noticed the same towel thing as Ally - it must be a guy thing? But anyway, I know it's annoying that I am basically a food hoarder - I don't throw out leftovers until they are gross and smell because I might eat them.

So, pick your battles because chances are, there are going to be several things that irk the crap out of you about your fiance and vice versa. Just remember you guys need to compromise.

Also, it helps to have your own space. If there's any way you can section off part of your space as "yours" - like, a desk area or office area for your computer, etc. - you'll feel like you're not always on top of one another!

mekiakoo · May 2012

I got this funny advice from the ladies who hosted a shower for me last week. They both said to do not start doing things that you don't want to do. For example if your FI should be the one doing laundry- don't even start doing it or it'll become your job. Haha, I'm not sure what I think about that advice.

But I do know to NOT end up doing things for FI while he's supposed to do it himself in the first place because then I resent him for it. And then I feel like whenever he's putting off something, he is just hoping that I will do it for him instead. Resentment is not good!! I'm still working on this!

Overall, it's a lot of fun living with my FI. We learn so much from each other and have fallen into a routine. I've learned over the years that I CANNOT live with some people, but with my FI it has been awesome.

Enjoy the honeymoon phase!

newenglandorr · May 2012

Such great advice from all - thank you! I totally have nervous "first date butterflies' today - how lame is that?! I know it's going to work out fine. We turned the 2nd bedroom into FI's home office, but I have my nice comfy reading chair in there, an extra tv. etc. We definitely have space to do our own thing if we need to. We're also good about getting the dog out on a walk or going for a run if we need some space. FI is super laid-back and really good about helping out w/ household stuff. I almost never have to ask him twice to do something and, I find if I compliment him doing something that I love, he will thrive on that and do it every time. He's the kind of guy who will take my car out to run errands, just so he can fill it up with gas so I don't have to

I think I'm more worried about ME! I'm fairly Type A and am so particular about everything - how the dishwasher gets loaded, etc. Our biggest issue will be food and eating habits. I can't have junk in the house and try to eat really healthy. FI is still a work in progress on this front. I will do most of the cooking and grocery shopping, but I don't want to enable his bad habits with junk. We've decided he'll buy it if he wants it, and he will have a cabinet for it that I don't have to look in. Agh!! Keep the tidbits coming...

toomanychoices17 · May 2012

I love the advice you've gotten already! I'm blanking on anything new to add- but do you mind if I ask, what has premarital counseling been like? We already live together and I want to go but FI doesn't.

newenglandorr · May 2012

Our premarital counseling has been AMAZING - I can't even begin to say enough about it. It's separate from what we're doing through our church, and it's something we will continue to do in the beginning stages of our marriage. FI and I have a deal that if something is important enough to one of us, the other agrees to go, no question.

We've been going about every 2 months for the past year. Not because of any major issue, or in response to something negative, but rather to get us prepared to have a healthy, loving marriage. It's allowed us to be proactive about things that come up, rather than letting things build and come out in a destructive way.

We've done a lot of work on how to handle conflict and disagreements, how to make decisions together while maintaining our independence, etc. We're learning what kind of reactions work, what doesn't, what to try to support the other with and when it's just our own stuff to figure out for ourselves. We've also talked a LOT about our individual families, what FI brings in from a failed previous marriage, and my issues being 39 and never having been married. I would HIGHLY recommend some kind of premarital counseling. I have SO much peace of mind knowing that we already have this relationship with our counselor that should things come up early in marriage, we're not starting from scratch.

advice for some rookies?

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