Teenage Blues

Re: Teenage Blues

• right1thistime member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Sucks big time.  In fact- I'd say that in general (although not every single one- of course) teenagers suck.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  DH and I held our breaths @ the time of our wedding, because of my kids. 
  
  Can you talk to him?  Tell him that he can skip participating in the wedding (if that was the original plan) but that you would appreciate his support OF YOU on this very important day?  My kids don't necessarily love DH-- but they respect how happy he makes me- could you ask him to support this wedding because of how DH makes you happy?
  
  He sounds like he is in a rebellious phase.  He may not turn around before the wedding.  Maybe the best you can do is to tell him that if he changes his mind- he will be welcome- even last minute. 
  
  One question, is his father's the best place for him to be living? ~Donna

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• geordieboysgirl

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow, that's terrible. He will probably really regret his decision when he gets a little older and comes to his senses as well. If you are on good terms with his father maybe he can help. In any case, good luck. I always says God made teenagers for a good reason. Once you get them through those teen years you are readly to let them go and live their own lives.
  CCH

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• nyrek member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  lol...thanks ladies! 
  
  I now apologize ot my mom regularly for what I must have put her through! Teenagers do suck! 
  
  We've been messaging back and forth, and he says that he doesn't want me to marry FI, he just doesn't want the wedding to happen.
  
  I've made it clear that I will absolutely NOT let FI come between my relationship with my kids, nor does he have any intention of doing so...but I also will not let my kids come between me and FI.  I've kept lines open that he is always welcome to come home, and if he changes his mind, we will be there for him.  If he grows to regret his decision, that's his cross to bear.
  
  And Donna...he absolutely should not be with his dad...OH courts are ridiculous. I fought for him to be back home almost 2 years ago now: my son was supposed to have cardiac testing done, dad refused to take him! His dad took him off all his ADD meds and refuses to get him any alternative help, hence the juvenile detention issues and failing out of school.  Dad allows him to do whatever he wants, and ex's mom even testified to the fact that the dad has been abusive with my son. I fought him on medical negligence and the abuse issues...but my son went in and said he wanted to stay with his dad...so they let him! UFB!  Way to look out for the child's best interest, huh?
  
  Arrgghh...so frustrating.

  

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• AdelphiTN member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I'm in TN and i have 3 teen boys, want me to go have a um... 'heart to heart' with him?
  
  I'm thinking you just need to get him in your proximity soon. i doubt that he's hearing good positivie vibes from your ex about your impending wedding. 
  
  I think it's important for you to talk by phone or in person and let him know that having his attendance at the wedding is important to you, but he doesn't have to be front and center and participating. I'll tell you - my two 15-yr-olds would be MORTIFIED if they had to take an active role. They can sit in the back if they want!
  
  You can tell him that his attendance does not imply that he approves, but that frankly you don't need his approval.  You just need his PRESENCE there because you love him. a sort of - 'you don't have to like it, but it's the right thing to do.'
  
  He doesn't have to like Fi. He just has to know that the occassion will mean less to you without him there. Tell him this is one of those 'man-up' moments in life. (that usually gets my boys to do the right thing - they are all about being a man)
  
  Perhaps your ex could echo the same message?

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• CA2MT4EveR member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I hate to assume or anything, but I am a jr high/high school teacher and when kids do these things, it's usually because of girls/boys or drugs.  I would hope it is girls, but have you spoken with his father about these changes?  Maybe he just doesn't want to miss out on something else cool that weekend.

  dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  OMG, the heartbreak! As I read your post, I was getting a knot in my stomach. Why? Because I'm dealing with similar issues with my 15 yr old DAUGHTER! Not the change in school grades or rebeliousness, but the whole situation with my fiance.
  
  I made her dad leave because he was abusive to my son (not his child). When I got pregnant with our daughter, my son was 7. We moved into this house (I still own, LOL). After 5 years of counseling, off & on, he was unable to change the way he treated my son. So, although it hurt my daughter, he had to go. But he is involved in her life and only lives about 15 miles away. He's been gone now 10 years, and since has married a biatch who treats my daughter in witchy ways, and now her dad is caught in the middle like I was when he was here. Paybacks suck, right?
  
  Anyway, I spent the first 8 years after he left making sure my house felt like a "home" to my kids, being the good mom, making up for all the damage done. My daughter just "assumed" that mom would be just hers forever. I've been dating my fiance for 2 1/2 years, and our wedding is 18 months away. We have taken trips together as a family (moved my son to Washington DC for grad school last August, several trips for events in his family's life out of state). My daughter and fiance get along great during all of these. He doesn't live here because we have to finish fixing up his house to put it on the market, before our wedding.  
  
  But she refuses to be here if he stays the night, which is only on the weekend. So I have to appease her as much as possible, but there are still nights when they are both here. She has a room in the basement, so it's not like they see each other. But her nose is still bent out of shape.
  
  Things have been better recently, however, with her behavior about him. But, spending money on wedding things and not her? OMG. I hear about it.
  
  Now, since I've detailed the above, let's talk about your situation.
  
  - I agree with the prior poster: There is something that has changed for your son. My son was on ADHD meds as long as my daugther's dad lived here. Once he was gone, we weaned him off (he was about 12 at the time), and he's been fine ever since. He graduated Summa Cum Laude from high school AND college (where he had a full scholastic scholarship). ADHD kids are usually very bright. Just my observation, but talking to other parents with ADHD kids, stress is a HUGE factor in acting out.
  
  - Has your ex found another woman? If not, your son possibly sees your wedding as the final straw that will keep his parents from ever reconciling. It doesn't matter how long it's been......... my daughter even told me this, in spite of the fact her dad is already married to someone.
  
  - If you can afford it, fly down and meet with the school counselor, his dad, anyone you need to. Find out what is up with your son. There is definitely a change, whether it's drugs, or his relationship with his dad, or something else. If a flight doesn't fit your personality or budget, call the school and talk to them. Get together as much info as you can and re-approach the court system. It's tough to uproot a 15 yr old guy, but parenting is not a popularity contest, and in the long run it may be a saving move. Surveillance is also another option. It costs, but you'll find stuff out with record checks, background checks on both your son & ex, and they may be able to get info you can't get otherwise.
  
  -For what it's worth, my daughter wants guages in her ears, and her dad & I have refused for the simple reason she'll regret it and have to have plastic surgery to sew the holes back together. What is it with guages?
  
  - As my daughter often reminds me, sometimes it's not about fitting in, but being different.........or from our perspective, difficult. Rebelious. Call it what you want.

  
  

  As parents, we walk a fine line. We are not psycho-therapists. We are not trained to identify depression, "normal" teenage behavior, or that behavior outside the norm. It's hard, because they are still your "baby". Sometimes we know what's best for them, and sometimes they teach us what's best for all. The fact that he is not with you creates an entire layer of difficulties.
  
  Good luck. You can come and dump or vent anytime. Sorry my post is so long, but I totally connect with your situation in many ways.

  Wedding Website and Bio

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• right1thistime member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  It's not about fitting in- but being different  - and I would add- being different in the same way as all the other rebellious kids! 
  
  My 17 yo DS has "the most severe case of ADHD" that his pediatrician and therapist have ever seen.  (Do you know how many times I've heard - "Can I just bring my med student in to observe this?")  Despite the fact that for 10 yrs the medications helped him to stay focused and marginally pass- this year he decided he doesn't need them.  He does however tell me that marijuana is more effective for him.  Um, great?  Teenagers- I can't stand them!! 
  
  The good news is-- everyone tells me they eventually grow up and act like humans again.  In fact- at my wedding, my DD who was 17 then, went up to my work colleagues and said, "Did you know my mom when I was 13?"  When they said that they indeed did- she apologized - TO THEM!   I, on the other hand, am still waiting!  ~Donna

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• nyrek member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Adelphi...you're great! thanks!
  
  CA2:  He does have a girlfriend he's pretty serious about...I'm praying that's all it is.  His dad, however, has been a huge user most of his life and takes a firm stance that there is nothing wrong with it...so it's very possiblet that the drug influence is readily available in the house.
  
  Sue...thanks much.  Many hugs to you as well!  The good news is my 13 year old daughter and 9 year old son live with me and FI...they love him to death and they are so excited to be a part of the wedding...they begged us to let them be in the wedding party! 
  
  My ex has, in the past six years (we split in 2001 and were officially divorced April 2004) been remarried (2004) and divorced again (2005), lived with and had a baby with another woman soon after (2005-2009), and once they split up had another one and her 2 children living with him (2009 - present) 
  
  We've really debated long and hard about going back through the courts.  It's so difficult because by the time we gather enough info and get a court date, the child could be legally emancipated if he wished.  He'll be 18 in 2 1/2 years.  He is an incredibly smart child...he's innovative and funny and can do anything he puts his mind to. 
  
  We're still trying to weigh the benefits of allowing him to live in the situation he choose vs. pushing him emotionally farther away by forcing him to come home whereby we face the very high risk of further rebellion that would then be in the household with the younger 2 kids as well as him probably acting out and running away.  (Deep breath now) 
  
  And Donna...you're so right about that!!!  We actually pointed out to him at X-mas that in trying to be different he now fit nicely into a very specific clique.  He didn't much appreciate that. I found it quite amusing.   Has he given you the "medical benefits of marijuana" speech yet?  My son tried that with me...he wasn't bright enough to remember that I'm a nurse.  He lost that argument.
  
  Thanks all of you...it's so nice to hear your responses to this as well...to know that I'm not the only one. 

  

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• right1thistime member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I'm a nurse as well.  And I WROTE the same damn paper in HS.  Actually, the lecture I've gotten is the economic benefits of growing hemp.  Yeah-  well not on my property Farmer Brown.  They are pretty darn predictable. 
  
  The decision to fight the custody battle with a teen is a tough one.  I am lucky (I think??) that my xH is so self centered that he wouldn't spend a dime to raise his kids.  So he never bothered.  ~Donna

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• writerunner member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I am also having trouble with my 15-yr-old son.  I feel your pain completely.  In fact, you could be talking about my kid except we haven't had to go to court yet.  My son has just informed me that he wants to live with his father instead of continuing to live with me and my husband-to-be.  The boy's father is a chronic gambler who has a 23-yr. old girlfriend (he's 47) who lives above the bar where he likes to go drinking.  How cheesy is that?  I've already been advised that the courts nearly ALWAYS give custody to the father if it's an adolescent boy who desires to live with him.  I'm disgusted and not sure what to do.
  
  Thanks for sharing your story and listening to mine.   

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• pamila51510

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I have 17 year old identical twins. One is very much the girl that is a people pleaser the other oh boy the other. You say the sky is blue she will say it is Yellow just to argue. She has gotten better but at 15 I can honestly say I didn't like this child very much and she didn't like me either. I have always loved them but UGH!!!  If he is not at your wedding then he isn't it will be hard but you know it should be revolving around you not about him. This is your day! On the same note he is 15 you are the parent you tell him there is a ticket for him to get on a plane and he should be there. Period.
  
  On the note of gages it depends on how much they gage their ears if they will go back down. My ex let my daughter gage her ears and they have been taken out now and she can wear regular earrings agian. Thank freakin goodness. 
  
  With the whole rave scene my daughters were into that for a while and the raves they have now are not quite the same as the rave scene when we were kids. I have taken my daughters and picked them up from the "raves" they are more like dances. Yes older people go to them not just high school kids but I have met a lot of these kids that go and they have crazy hair and no fashion sense but they are not what I thought they were first at all.
  
  Not negating that your son may be into drugs and that kinda thing but still just a little bit of insight to that world that he is in since you are not there. I don't want you to think that I am just telling you not to worry as I would be worried as a mom. Kids at 15 are tough to deal with. I will tell you right now I have drug tested them and probibly will agian in the near future. It never hurts to find out what is going on or whats not going on just for your peace of mind. They need to know you are there and you care weither they like it or not. Good Luck!

  My Bio

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• thealphabride

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I feel your pain ladies! My boy is 14 has severe ADHD, and has a father that is an unmedicated bi polar. 
  I left him because he was abusive. He is in our son's life. I have tried very hard to not speak badly of his father and believe me it has been hard. My son is starting to see the light about his dad. 
  His dad wanted to see him last Saturday, (his visitation day) my son, after speaking with his father, he said he wanted to go to gma's house, didn't want to deal with his dad this weekend. His dad is on a manic high right now, so we make sure to try keep our distance, leave if we know he's coming over etc. His father is a very difficult man and it's easier for us to not be home and have him leave than to deal with him.   I took him to gma's immediately so he didn't have to deal.
  My ex refused to divorce me when I left him (12 yrs ago)  so I had to wait him out for a year and then I could get a divorce without his "consent".  One day, a day of lucidity, (or not) he called me out of the blue and said ok you can have your divorce.
  Without really thinking I asked him can I have what I want which is only one thing?
  Him: What? Me: Full custody of our son Him: ok. Me; picking up jaw off the floor, said ok, Him: get a lawyer, ME: ok
  We were able to work everything out between us and had a fairly easy divorce.
  I am so glad that in that moment I asked for full custody. I had been thinking about it for the whole year but NEVER thought he would consent ever. Getting full custody was a complete surprise to me and a godsend that at least I have a leg to stand on if it came down to my son wanting to live with his father.
  It would be very hard for him to go to the courts now to get any kind of custody so I think I don't have to worry about my son ever being able to live with him. Not that that would happen because of the way my ex is when unmedicated, and my son is seeing the light. (thank you Lord) and doesn't want to spend a lot of time together now. Whereas for the last 13 years he has idolized his father. 
  I wish all of you the best, I'm not looking forward to the next 5 years. It could be rough, but hoping for the best.

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• CandyGirlSparks member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Oooookay...I'm pretty sure that what you're dealing with here is that your ex or his gf is pouring poison into your son's ear. This just reeks of someone else's influence, and the fact that your son already doesn't care for your fiance makes it easier. I've dealt with this before. Kids are VERY impressionable, and they soak this crap up like a sponge. If he was leaning towards being involved before, and suddenly isn't, then yeah. Very likely someone else is behind it.
  
  I just have to make a comment about the whole ear guaging thing. My fiance has had multiple piercings in various places for many years, and has guaged ears...and has even done many piercings for other people, so this is the voice of experience: you can guage up your ears to a certain degree-a couple of inches, I think-without worrying about them being permanently stretched out. It will take a little time, but they WILL go back to the size of a normal piercing hole if they aren't stretched out beyond belief. My daughter is slowly guaging her ears up, but I won't let her go past a certain point. Also, piercings, unlike tattoos, are never permanent. Just thought I'd set some minds at ease.
  
  Good luck with all this, I sincerely hope he comes around. I think the key to that happening is seeing him in person and swaying him back towards your side.

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