BM vent

Re: BM vent

• calindi member

  

  July 2012

  Traveling from DC to RI for the wedding is expensive.  Traveling multiple times for showers (which also require gifts) and bachelorette parties is exhorbitant.  Have you tried adding up how much that would cost her in flights alone?  Easily at least $200 per roundtrip flight, so we're talking $600 in flight costs alone.  Not to mention hotels, transportation, gifts, etc.  Add in whatever she spends on the bridesmaids dress, shoes, etc. and you've got a small fortune.  
  
  How she spends the money she has - whether it's on dinners with her BF or even a vacation - is entirely her business and not your place to judge.  She's not endebted to you to spend it on your wedding events - as I'm sure you've heard, no one cares about a wedding as much as the bride.  She's probably got other friends getting married this year as well.  I know I've spent most of my vacation and disposable income - after my own allowed entertainment expenses, like vacations & movies & dinners out & getting my nails done - on my friends' weddings for the last few years, and will probably do the same for the next few years.  Add in baby showers, and most people in their mid-20's through mid-30's are broke and out of vacation days!
  
  She's in the wrong for not being direct and honest with you, but it doesn't sound like you're very willing to be understanding of someone not wanting to spend 3 weekends and hundreds if not thousands of dollars coming to your events.  As long as she's in the dress, wherever she got it tailored, sober and outwardly happy for you at the wedding, that's all you can reasonably ask of a bridesmaid.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• URIsweethearts

  

  July 2012

  i do understand being a bridesmaid is expensive, but it is a known expense. i have said no to friends who asked me to be in their wedding when i was waitressing and wasnt making a steady enough income to even pay bills, let alone be in or go to weddings. so i hear you there. its not even about the $$ anymore- i was just venting because i felt like she doesnt care. she doesnt answer calls, facebook messages, e-mails. this is really becoming a problem as we are getting closer and i am just reaching out to not only catch up and say hey but also give out important details about the day, times, etc. she didnt even call me on the above dates - to say congrats or good luck or wish i could have been there. even that would have been nice and i would have been totally OK with that. that's all i was really trying to get across. not to mention if she came here- she wouldnt have had to pay for hotel or rental car as FI and i would have picked her up and she would have stayed at our house.

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• dberrett

  

  July 2012

  It can really hurt when it appears that someone isn't as excited for you as you feel they should be. It's hard to understand, especially when you're the bride. As an outsiders opinion, consider that she is more your FI's friend than yours, so I'm sure she isn't nearly as invested in this emotionally as a close friend of yours would be. (I don't mean that disrespectfully at all...) So to her, it may not seem worth it spend the money on planefare. It really sucks, but PP is right - BMs don't have to throw you shower, bachelorette, or anything. Technically, their only responsibility is to wear the dress and show up on the big day. :-(
  That said, she shouldn't be promising to everyone that she'll be here for all the events and then bail. That just isn't fair or right. And she should def be keeping in contact with you. Going back to the fact that she's more your FI's friend than yours she again probably feels less remorse about being unresponsive. Who knows?
  Do you know for certain that she'll be here on your big day? If so, that's really all you can insist on. And as long as she's still doing that, I don't think you can kick her out of the wedding at this point. Think about the repercussions after the big day. Kicking her out would probably kill your FI's relationship with her forever. You have to judge for yourself if it's worth that risk, and discuss it with your FI since it's his friend.
  So, so sorry you're going through this. It's almost over!! :-)

  We're selling some things left from our wedding! http://weddinggoodsforsale.weebly.com/

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• URIsweethearts

  

  July 2012 edited July 2012

  thanks dberrett. i guess she doesnt feel as invested and yes she is not responsive to me - however, she is responsive to FI. calls him back,etc. so i that is a good point. she is going to be there on the big day- i hope! so that is all i can/ask hope for. i really dont think it is an option to kick her out - as it would ruin her and FI's relationship. i can't wait for this to all be over. i hate to put it that way. but this wedding planning has been so much work, so many people with their opinions, etc. its really exhausting. who ever invented the honeymoon - i now know why. even though we arent going away til january!

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• dberrett

  

  July 2012

  Don't worry, I felt the same way with two months to go. My then FMIL was driving me nuts, everything was crashing around me.... It's totally normal to wish it was all over! But it's true that, once the actual day comes you'll never want it to end. You'll realize there's nothing you can do now about XYZ anyway, so whatevs... lol...
  Yes, a honeymoon is a huge blessing after all of this! Have you guys considered just going to a relaxing inn somewhere for a night or two right after? Just to give you something more immediate to look forward to; to help you unwind post-wedding; and something to say "we did it!"? I know a GREAT inn in VT where you can totally relax and disconnect. Cell reception is virtually non-existant, which is terrific once in a while ;-) Let me know if you want the name!

  We're selling some things left from our wedding! http://weddinggoodsforsale.weebly.com/

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• URIsweethearts

  

  July 2012

  we have considered doing something fun after, but are trying to save all money for our big trip in jauary and a house. we were going to go to Block Island- where we go engaged - before the wedding, but now it might be a good idea to go after. i don't think we will have time for anything other than a day or weekend trip as my vacation time is limited at work and FIs work schedule is hectic.

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