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FI's daughter coming to live with us

suedoesuedoe member
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I know I haven't been around much but I was taking a break from TK for awhile and when I was on there wasn't really much that interested me. But,I'm back now and with a a vengance.

So, my FI has an 11 year old daughter he hasn't seen or spoken to in over 9 years. I have known about her for awhile and our daughter knows about her as well. Anyway, her mother is pretty much pawning her on us because she'd had enough. Apparently the child has bi-polar and Oppositional Defiant Disorder along with Post Traumatic Stress. In other words she'll bringing with her a LOT of baggage and I don't mean suitcases.

I'm really happy that this girl is going to be reunited with her father, they are both exstatic. But a part of me worries about her behbvior problems. I have health insurance that I can add her too, but the medication and the dr's and the therapists are going to bleed us dry. We can barely make it with the three of us.

I do beleive things happen for a reason and there's a reason why sh'e coming into our lives. She will be in a stable home so I'm hoping that that will help her issues. but I'm still worried.

Anyway this is more of a vent but any advise would be appreciated.

I just hope I'm not getting over my head.
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Re: FI's daughter coming to live with us

  • GreenMoonGreenMoon
    10 Comments
    Two things I recommend:

    1) Start seeing a psychologist now, one that specializes in her disorders.  See them first without her, and ask whether or not you should tell the daughter the reason why you are seeing them.  Later, bring her into the sessions and let her have her own sessions.  Stuff like this can get better, everyone just needs to know how to deal with it.  Don't see it as she needs to change, see it as you need to change until she is able to change.  It will make life a lot easier on you if you aren't constantly blaming her for everything (maybe not blaming, but realizing she's the cause), she is only 11!

    2) Establish firm rules there both with your FI and with the daughter. The psych can help you outline them if you don't know where to start, but they should be firm.   What is required of her, how punishments should be handled.  What place you will have in her life.  These can be changed later, but you need to have something to start with.

    I was raised in a house with a paranoid schizophrenic, it can be difficult, but it can also be managed. Its very important to be proactive.
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  • janedoe1113ajanedoe1113a member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    What does she have PTSD from?
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  • GreenMoonGreenMoon
    10 Comments
    Oh, and community centers can help provide free pyschologists and information if you need it, and there is always group therapy, which is often a fraction of the cost.  Your FI should also see about recieving child support from the mother if he hasn't already. 
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  • ohwhynotohwhynot member
    2500 Comments
    Oh dear.  Yes, you are getting in over your head BUT you can deal with that.  You can - just as a previous poster said, you will need to be very, very proactive.  Start seeing a qualified therapist NOW and learn everythiing you can about these disorders.  Expect a very calm "honeymoon period" and then expect that things may get worse before they get better.  I am not an expert, you are not an expert, and your husband is not an expert.  GET SOME EXPERTS.  Like, yesterday, get some people who know how to deal with this and learn from them.

    A few questions:  why hasn't your husband seen or even talked to his daughter in 9 years?  Why does she have ptsd?  Is there an actual court order placing this chidl with you (I kind of find that hard to believe), or is this simply an agreement among the adults? 
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  • katiewhompuskatiewhompus member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Is it possible that the mom is causing some of the mental issues? My boss gained custody of his son this way (he was acting up and mom said she had enough)  and after about 2 months in a stable, adult household he turned into a complete gentleman.

    I'd be going for some child support to help with the finances too.

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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    If her therapy and medications are going to pose a financial hardship for you then you should be consulting a lawyer ASAP about getting child support from the child's mother.
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