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Christian Weddings

marital home-opinions

i know a lot of young couples that get married and live in their parents basement once they are newlyweds.  personally, i think this is a terrible idea because i don't think you can be truly intimate with your spuse if your parents are right upstairs. 

i've always imagined living in a lovely home with my husband, away from everyone else.  a friend of mine is getting married in august (he was engaged in february) beofer his fiance starts school and they are living with his parents...it makes me sad because i feel like couples who live like that may not have a really solid and intimate marriage.

what do you guys think?

Re: marital home-opinions

  • Sometimes living away when you're first married isn't an option for some people, until recently it was looking like my FI and I were going to have to live with my parents for longer (he lodges in our house at the moment) - it's already difficult enough, if we have an arguement or something - so no, it's not ideal, but sometimes it's that or living on the street. I know quite a few couples (my grandparents included) who lived with their parents for a few years whilst they got on their feet.... :)
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  • I think you can have a solid, intimate marriage while living with your parents, but I think it's more difficult. We moved away for school, but this summer H got an internship in our hometown. A short term lease is 50% more expensive than a 12 month lease. We're just here for the summer. So while I could have my own apartment for a butt load of money every month, living with my IL's is much more feasible. Do I still have an intimate marriage? You better freakin' believe it! But living with my IL's is rough on us since we don't really have our own space like we're used to.
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  • Ha my parents are trying to keep us here or at least on this block ... and my FI is like NO !!

    My parents lived at my grandparents for 3 months... I have no idea how ... We both still live with our parents now ... We want to get out in the worst way ....

    But sometimes with the way things are with the economy ... sadly it happens...
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  • Living with parents (or most close family) would be a last resort for us.  In cases like mrsbrist where the savings far outweigh the cost and it's only for a few months, that's one thing.  My parents, brothers, and I lived with my dad's parents for 7 months after our old house sold while the new one was being built.  We thought being at Grandma and Granddaddy's all the time absolutely rocked, but the 4 adults about killed each other.  Mom still isn't absolutely thrilled that she's lived next door to her MIL for the past 16 years now, but it's family land so that's where they built.

    DH moved into a basement apartment when he came to Kansas last February, and we lived there together from our wedding last June until the beginning of March this year.  If our landlord hadn't been almost completely deaf...it would have been a bit awkward.  We had our own entrance, living area, kitchen, and bathroom.  We only had to go through his house the one time the screen door accidentally locked and we couldn't get in.  If it were a situation with shared living areas, especially with family, I don't think that would have worked for us.  Being able to "set-up house" really helped with the transition into marriage.

    Leaving and cleaving was the best thing we did...as much as it sucks to be this far from home.
  • edited June 2012
    My parents have a rule: When you are a mature enough adult to get married, then be an adult and take on the responsibilities. The only way we could live with my parents is if we were in the process of closing the sale on our home or if there was a tornado or something and we no longer had a home...but even then we would be rebuilding or looking for a new house. Living with my parents isn't an option. But I respect their "rule" and wouldn't have it any other way. Basically in thier eyes, if you can't have your own place to live (and be finacially responsible for it and everything else that comes with it) then you shouldn't get married. You can't "live on love" lol.

    I don't think their is enough room at FI's parents house for us if we had to stay with them. FI is 1 of 5 boys. 2 of the boys live with their gfs/wives but the others are still at home and I'm not a fan of living with a bunch of guys...regardless of if they are my FBIL.

    This is the reason why FI and I are having a long engagement. We can save for a house this way.
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  • Hilarious that you brought this up. We have to for at least a month because that's when the apartment is ready.
    It sucks, but we can definitely still be intimate. I don't think that intimacy is limited to sex and sex alone.
    I completely disagree with your opinion that we can't have a solid and intimate relationship just because we have to sleep in his mom's basement for a month. Living somewhere doesn't make your relationship any more or less solid, it just means that you were both fortunate enough to have an apartment or house right after the wedding.

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  • My parents drive me nuts in their house after about 24-48 hours.  DH can handle being at his parents about a week.  If we had to, maybe we could live with another family member, but not with our parents.  It might work for some couples, but not for us.
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  • i just think that people should think about where they will live before they get married.  when we were still dating we knew we wanted to get married and live in a house of our very own.  we actually started saving what we could from our part time jobs in prep for that.  we wanted a really simple -almost elopment- wedding, but since our parents wanted it to be a bigger deal, they ae paying for it.  which means all money we earn can go towards that house!

    i'm glad to hear that those of you who lived with family are still going strong.

  • I think culture shouldn't be ignored. In many Asian or Latin American cultures, multigenerations living in one home is okay and even valued. It is better to perhaps all live together and save money than go into debt. My Greek family did that when they first came here. During the first year of my parents' married life, they lived with my grandfather while they looked for a home to buy and renovated it.
  • I say do what you gotta do.

    Personally, I feel that if you can't support yourself financially you shouldn't be getting married but that's just me. Take it or leave it, lol. And no offense to anyone who is living with their parents-- again, "do what you gotta do". 

    In addition to the financial aspect, I'd never want to live with either set of our parents; we love them very much but as adults AND a married couple, we want our own space.

    So, we are not doing it. But, again, if that's what people choose to do, then it doesn't matter what I think!

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  • It's not ideal, but you do what you have to do.

    FI and I will be living with my mom (or, rather, mom will be living with us), because she's disabled and can't live alone.  And we don't have an "upstairs" or basement or anything... just a small condo.

    My sister and her husband MIGHT take care of her eventually if they can buy a bigger home, but for now, she'll live with us.

    Yeah, there will be some difficulties I'm sure, but it's still doable.

    A lot of more traditional cultures have multi-generational households in which the children, parents, and grandparents all live.  I'm sure they do fine too.

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  • Neither my FI nor myself would ever want to live with our parents after getting married.  So we're going to do everything we possibly can to not have to do that.  Granted we'll find out where he's going to PA school 3 months before we get married, so that complicates things.  As soon as we find that out we'll go find an apartment in the city and then I'll be looking for jobs at the same time.  It's frustrating and it's going to be stressful but I would do anything to not live at home once we're married.  I'm home for the summer before my last year of college and the school year can't come fast enough.
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  • I do agree with PP's about the financial aspect. If you can't afford to live by yourselves, probably not good to get married.
    We can, but our leases end and then the next apartment is in August. We decided to move in to save an entire month's worth of paychecks just cuz we can. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, I'm not so sure. :)

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  • In India, Ryan estimates about 40% of young married couples live with the husband's parents. We don't want to join that statistic and plan on living on our own. We believe in "leave and cleave". But we've both agreed that if we HAD to we'd live with them... but only after living on our own. That is, even if it's just a month because that's all the rent we can afford, we'd want to START our marriage on our own, and hopefully give it at least a year.

    Living with parents is tough. I've seen it firsthand. My best friend and her husband live with her parents. Next month they will have been married for four years and they have always lived with them! They were broke when they got married. The first year was HORRIBLE. Their marriage was on the rocks. She called me crying at 3am. And while it would have been hard even if they were on their own, her parents really interfered... and not the way you'd think. They always took HIS side. They knew her flaws, but he'd been good about hiding his, so they assumed he was truthful when he wasn't and that he had good intentions when he didn't. She felt abandoned by those who loved her and deflated. It was awful...

    But then her parents wised up to the fact he was using them. And then he wised up and grew up [a lot of it was his maturity] and began unting with his wife. And then it was bad, but not their marriage but their living situation. Her grandmother, who lives there, was driving her so crazy she'd stormed out of the house in rages just to drive nowhere to get away. She told me if she didn't move out soon, she'd only have anger and resentment towards her grandmother, which pained her because she knew her grandmother, who is on dialysis, doesn't have much time left on earth. She needed to move out in order to preserve any sort of love between them...

    But then they got pregnant. And they definitely didn't have the money to move out, but also grandma eased up on them and the family rallied around the new grandchild.

    And since then, they've gotten pregnant again. So they're not moving out this year either. And they say it will be next year for sure... but that's what they have said every year of their marriage.

    They are doing great and happy now.... but the truth is, I saw how rough it was. And I wouldn't do it by choice, not because I think relatinoships wouldn't survive it, but that there's a better way...

    But sometiems there's definitely not a choice [like waiting for marriage until you have the $] because it's after you're married. When I was 3, our house burned down and we all moved in with my grandparents. Then within a year my dad lost his job. My mom,  who had been a SAHM, found a job at Rite Aid and that was enough to pay our groceries, clothes, etc but they couldn't afford to move out and my dad couldnt' find work.

    When I was 7, we moved. So we lived with them for four years. For me, it was great, being with my grandparents. I was miserable moving to another state, where there were more jobs and cheaper houses. But for my parents, it was a good move because I learned later my father was utterly miserable living with his in-laws. But he's teh kind who bottles it up, so my mom didn't even know until they moved and he told her then! He'd suffered silently for years.

    I dont' think there's anything wrong with living close though. Like if your parents basement is a basement APARTMENT. So you can come and go without walking through their living room, and cook meals separate from them, and have some this is MY home feeling.

    But I think when a couple is trying to establish themselves as master and mistress of their own family, it is ridiculously hard to do under Mom and Dad's roof.
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  • It's certainly not anything we'd want to do, that's for sure, but it's something we'd do if we had to.  H and I have agreed though that we would never move in with his parents.  If we had to move in with anyone it would be my parents.

    I would never want to start a marriage that way, but as Ryans pointed out sometimes things happen and you don't have many options.

    For the record, it's not a picnic for either party.  My godbrother and his wife moved in with his parents early on.  She got pregnant so they moved in, had the baby, got married....and had a second baby.  Now baby #3 is on the way and we don't see any chance of them moving out anytime soon.  Neither of them has finished school, neither has a job, it's a mess.  The parents hate it but don't feel like there's anything they can do.  So they have 4 adults, 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, all living in one house and no one likes the situation.  The parents end up going out of town every weekend because they can't stand it.  It's too cramped and they feel imposed upon but they won't say anything.  Messy, messy situation.

    FWIW, we've actually discussed buying a dual family home with my parents.  They'd live on the mainfloor and we'd live upstairs or downstairs, depending on how it was laid out.  We spend so much time with my mom and dad anyway that I think it could be a good situation, especially as they get older.  With H working nights, it'd be nice for me, too.
  • edited June 2012
    Like everyone else has said, you do what you have to. My sister and BIL moved in with my parents and me 3months after their son was born (2009) and stayed until June / Oct 2011. My BIL went into the navy and once he was out of boot camp and on a base, my sister and her son moved up there with him. It was not ever very easy for any of us but we managed. My sister's marriage did struggle but in the end, this time really made them stronger. Also in my sister's case it seemed like  God planned it that way because it was a huge blessing for my sister to have my parent's support and helping with my nephew while BIL is in bootcamp. 

    As far as DH and I are concerned, living with parents would be an absolutely last resort. We moved 500miles from family 2 weeks after getting married so I think it would be hard for us to live with parents or any other relative for that matter. But if the situation presented itself we would make do and I don't think it would affect too much of our marriage
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