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the tough got him running

jelmofjelmof member
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in Second Weddings
My (ex) fiance  not quite sure if we r still engaged. THis was to be a 2nd marriage for both of us  He has a son (13) from a previous marriageHis son has many emotional issues and is very coddled  TO make a long story short My xfiance recently called off our July wedding due to his extreme guilt he has over his son  he feels horrible that his on feels this way  on occasion his on threatens suicide *(not a laughing matter) but sometimes I and others believe its for attn
He told his dad this w.e that he has in his mind that they will get back together and my XF exsplains that isnt so HIs son has started lying and doing poorly in school he IS brigh  but is never pushed to his fullest potential as no family member wants to upset him 
I know my XF loves me and is goingthrough a rpugh patch it seems BUT I dont know what to do he is not good with confrontation  and is a ppl pleaser
WE are in therapy *(same therapist) havent gone together though SHE was his therapist  and was the onw who helped him leave his unhappy marriage
I love him  but I also deserve someone who doesnt run  ANY SUGGESTIONS  has anybody been through this  or at least a called off wedding
I NEED ADVICE
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Re: the tough got him running

  • boaznruthboaznruth
    10 Comments
    Wow...question...how old is everyone involved here, besides the son?  Another question...can you retype this with some punctuation and spelling?  It's difficult to understand what you are trying to say here.

    Good luck...
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    I think the answer is DTMFA.   I think you know that's the answer, too.  No one here can magically fix this problem for you. Well, maybe we can improve it with spelling and punctuation, but not the problem itself.

    I would ask myself a couple of questions.  Do you really want to deal with this sort of stuff the rest of your life?  Do you think he has any respect for you at all?  Do you deserve this treatment, or do you think you deserve the love and respect from someone?  This won't get better, it could stay the same, but it could get even worse.  

    I hope this is MUD, but I don't think it is.  I sense a DD when others come on and agree with me. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • mdeidremdeidre
    100 Comments
    I have to agree that you need to think long and hard about if this is a situation that you want to have to deal with for the rest of your life.  Some men are worth having to deal with background drama on a limited basis, but not all.  He does need to get things taken care of with his son, but the fact that he called off things with you without any real explanation as to where you two stand in your relationship would worry me.  I think you two need to spend some time deciding what you want, where you are, etc so that you can be on the same page.  This all seems very murky to me.
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_the-tough-got-him-running?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b34b7dae-5450-4688-8690-dd38ca9d2d4bPost:b3557b61-82fc-4b0d-bb8f-ec4ad2d82cdb">Re: the tough got him running</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the answer is <strong><font color="#0000ff">DTMFA. </font></strong>  I think you know that's the answer, too.  No one here can magically fix this problem for you. Well, maybe we can improve it with spelling and punctuation, but not the problem itself. I would ask myself a couple of questions.  Do you really want to deal with this sort of stuff the rest of your life?  Do you think he has any respect for you at all?  Do you deserve this treatment, or do you think you deserve the love and respect from someone?  This won't get better, it could stay the same, but it could get even worse.   I hope this is MUD, but I don't think it is.  I sense a <font color="#0000ff"><strong>DD</strong></font> when others come on and agree with me. 
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    Stop screwing with my head, handfast ... you know I don't know these d*mned acronyms.   <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I have never called off a wedding, but it seems that you're already there.  If you have not sent out invitations, it won't be as compllex as it could be.  If your FI has placed his son at the top of his priority list -- you have no choice but to accept it.  In this case, it looks like accepting it means walking away.  Yes, it's easy to say and difficult to do.  But, do it if you must.

    Of course, that's just my opinion, and you should make up your mind.  But if you think that you can love (bribe, guilt, or something else) your FI into having a different kind of relationship with his son, that's not going to happen.

    If it were me, I'd ask myself if I would like to be on the fringes of such an emotionally abusive relationship (threatening suicide is terribly abusive) or in the depths of such mental illness (if the threats are real).  My answer would be "No."

    I suspect you've hung around for a lot of this already.  Now's the time to walk away from it, don't you think??
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited April 2012
    Lisa, you forgot MUD.  Ok, for the uninitiated:

    DTMFA= dump the mother-fvcker already  (I heard this used on the CBS morning show a few days ago!  I knew what it was, but the other anchor wanted to know what it was. )

    DD=Dirty Delete

    MUD=Made up dirt (or drama)
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
    Report Reply
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_the-tough-got-him-running?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b34b7dae-5450-4688-8690-dd38ca9d2d4bPost:1b2cc44c-2f53-4b2b-a20e-1f2f5eb0bd26">Re: the tough got him running</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lisa, you forgot MUD.  Ok, for the uninitiated: DTFMA= dump the mother-fvcker already  (I heard this used on the CBS morning show a few days ago!  I knew what it was, but the other anchor wanted to know what it was. ) DD=Dirty Delete MUD=Made up dirt (or drama)
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    MUD, I know.  But sheesh, the rest?  Look what happens when my teenager leaves the house. LOL!
    Report Reply
  • CassieCACassieCA member
    10 Comments
    From my own experience (we are pretty sure my 35 yr old brother is classic bi-polar), emotional issues like this only become worse with age and certainly don't go away. 

    My parents are still dealing with it and it's the biggest stressor (by far) in their lives... and they don't even live anywhere near my brother.  But he does the same thing, threatens suicide, is verbally abusive (and I'm sure would be physically), manipulative, controlling, etc etc. Mental illness is extremely sad... especially since I'm sure my brother could lead close to a normal life if only he'd get help.

    Is the son seeing a therapist? 
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