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Just Engaged and Proposals

19 & Engaged

I'm still fairly young, and I know that. But I'm a big believe in Souls, and I feel that I am an old soul, and I can handle this. 
I have my mothers blessing, so that's not an issue. She even helped pick out the ring! 
I am, however, terribly affraid of criticism. I know that it's bound to come in a situation like this, but I don't know if I can handle it. 
How do I tell people about my engagement without getting weird looks? 
What do I do if some of my other family members don't approve? 
«1

Re: 19 & Engaged

  • If you're that worried about criticism then maybe you really aren't ready for this right now. Being an adult and getting married means that you should be ready to take the good along with the bad as it comes.
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  • I get where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree. I'm sure even though you're older than I am you still have insecurities. I know plenty of people that are afraid of being judge, regardless of their age. I know my mother is, my forty year old cousin is, even my grandmother. I feel like that's something I'll always be worried of, I just need help being able to handle it when it's something as big as this is.
  • Here's one for you: I dropped a bomb on my mom a month after I had turned 20 that I was getting married in two months or else my F could face being deported when his visa expired in the next four months (he had just turned 19, loooooong story!) My mom and I didn't speak until a week before our courthouse date to sign our marriage license and was STILL critical (we didn't have a wedding/ceremony/reception, just signed papers and took pictures). In the year and two months since that day, my mom has come to love us as a married couple and is even helping me plan the ceremony and reception my hubby and I never had.

    I guess the whole point of this story is to let you know that your family will come to love you and your F as a couple, whether they agree with the early engagement or not. You may not have dropped the bomb quite like I did (whoops!), but you have to focus on what you desire your future to look like, not what your family desires your future to look like!
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:678da871-0833-40fa-ad4a-9936aec4b054">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In the year and two months since that day, my mom has come to love us as a married couple and is even helping me plan the ceremony and reception my hubby and I never had.
    Posted by avg0223[/QUOTE]
    I'd post this on somewhere like Etiquette and see where this horrible idea leads you.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:0a212a30-555d-41bd-994b-a833e920cef5">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree. I'm sure even though you're older than I am you still have insecurities. I know plenty of people that are afraid of being judge, regardless of their age. I know my mother is, my forty year old cousin is, even my grandmother. I feel like that's something I'll always be worried of, I just need help being able to handle it when it's something as big as this is.
    Posted by cassidynicholee[/QUOTE]

    Do I enjoy being judged? No. But it is part of life. I am confident enough in my decisions and my actions to not take any negative judgement to heart for very long, if at all, and it doesn't make me fall apart. That is part of maturing.

    You probably will get some strange looks when you tell people about your engagement due to your age. There is no particular way to tell them that will change that. The harder you try to prove how mature and ready for this you are, the less likely people are to believe you. No one confident in their decision starts off defensively.

    If some of your family, or his, doesn't approve there is really nothing you can immediately do. Like I said before, it comes off defensive and solidifies people's opinions. Your actions, and his, over time may change family member's opinions.

    You have to understand where people are coming from. There is good reason that people tell you to wait and don't approve of young engagements/marriages. Most of their advice is coming from a place of caring. Many young relationships don't last and they don't want you to get hurt. Not saying that is necessarily going to happen to you, but it is something that people close to you will be concerned about. Again, the more mature you actually are and less "But I'm so mature *foot stomp*" you are the more people will support you and understand your decision.

     

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:678da871-0833-40fa-ad4a-9936aec4b054">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's one for you: I dropped a bomb on my mom a month after I had turned 20 that I was getting married in two months or else my F could face being deported when his visa expired in the next four months (he had just turned 19, loooooong story!) My mom and I didn't speak until a week before our courthouse date to sign our marriage license and was STILL critical (we didn't have a wedding/ceremony/reception, just signed papers and took pictures). In the year and two months since that day, my mom has come to love us as a married couple <strong>and is even helping me plan the ceremony and reception my hubby and I never had.</strong> <strong>I guess the whole point of this story is to let you know that your family will come to love you and your F as a couple, whether they agree with the early engagement or not. </strong>You may not have dropped the bomb quite like I did (whoops!), but you have to focus on what you desire your future to look like, not what your family desires your future to look like!
    Posted by avg0223[/QUOTE]

    <div>1. If you wanted a ceremony and reception, you could have had one. Plenty of people plan weddings in very short periods of time and don't need a do-over shortly thereafter. </div><div>
    </div><div>2. That worked out for you, and OP's mother is already supportive, so that's nice, but there is no way to determine that her whole family will come to love them as a couple once they get over the early engagement. </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, ditto what PPs said about this being part of being grown up, especially Staar's post. If you feel you're ready, then you just have to be a big girl and accept but deal with criticisms in a dignified and mature way. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • edited February 2013
    I'm 22 and my fiancee is 21, we've been dating over 5 years, and lived together for two of them, they have been the best and worst years of my life.  You may be young but that doen't mean things won't work out, but you will hear a lot of criticism because of your age, take it in stride, and grow from it, grow together. 

    If you don't currently live together know that dating someone and living with someone are very different, there is a matter of trust and a matter of you can't always go home to be away from them, but honestly it makes you work through your problems and become stronger.  But don't believe it when people say "Oh your going to hate the other person because of this that or the other thing."  You just learn to love them for all of their faults.

    Congratulations and good luck to you and your fiancee, and enjoy the ride!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image
  • Comments on your age will come. If marriage is what you seriously want then don't let these comments bother you. Notice I said 'marriage' not 'wedding' however. Becoming engaged is exciting and we tend to start planning the wedding not focusing on the marriage. Best of Luck!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:fb96f339-4897-4edb-9015-fab76767c4e2">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : 1. If you wanted a ceremony and reception, you could have had one. Plenty of people plan weddings in very short periods of time and don't need a do-over shortly thereafter.  2. That worked out for you, and OP's mother is already supportive, so that's nice, but there is no way to determine that her whole family will come to love them as a couple once they get over the early engagement.  OP, ditto what PPs said about this being part of being grown up, especially Staar's post. If you feel you're ready, then you just have to be a big girl and accept but deal with criticisms in a dignified and mature way. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    I've been lurking on this board for awhile and I am very sad to see some of the comments that you post. Who made you the supreme wedding planning godess? You don't know her situation as to whether or not she could have planned a cereomony in a short time. If she and her finance now wants a more formal wedding ceremony and reception who are you to judge? I think some of you take this wedding planning etiquette to serious. It's about the love of two people and them sharing that love with everyone whether it is the day they decide to get married or two years later.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:71f90dd1-e591-4295-a5c0-e2b37739830d">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : I've been lurking on this board for awhile and I am very sad to see some of the comments that you post. Who made you the supreme wedding planning godess? You don't know her situation as to whether or not she could have planned a cereomony in a short time. If she and her finance now wants a more formal wedding ceremony and reception who are you to judge? I think some of you take this wedding planning etiquette to serious. It's about the love of two people and them sharing that love with everyone whether it is the day they decide to get married or two years later.
    Posted by OhioBride2013[/QUOTE]

    Having a full wedding ceremony when you're already married is a big no-no. Her wedding day was the day she got married in the courthouse, end of story. If she wants another wedding, she'll need to file for divorce and then remarry.

    I also like how she's calling her HUSBAND her fiance in all of her other posts on the boards. I think she knows that she's gonna get called out big time, and she absolutely deserves it. She does not, however, deserve another wedding day.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:0acefc13-6ce2-44da-9a2d-b402dd982fbb">19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm still fairly young, and I know that. But I'm a big believe in Souls, and I feel that I am an old soul, and I can handle this.  I have my mothers blessing, so that's not an issue. She even helped pick out the ring!  I am, however, terribly affraid of criticism. I know that it's bound to come in a situation like this, but I don't know if I can handle it.  How do I tell people about my engagement without getting weird looks?  What do I do if some of my other family members don't approve? 
    Posted by cassidynicholee[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Welcome and congratulations on your engagement. </div><div>Your age won't be the only thing people judge when it comes to your wedding planning. People judged me for having H come gown shopping with me. People judged that we weren't having a religious ceremony. People judged that we decided on no kids at the wedding. </div><div>People. Judge. </div><div>You judge others as well. It's not just a one-way street. </div><div>
    </div><div>Ultimately, if you love him and have zero doubts, hold your ground and close your ears to it. </div><div>I judge MYSELF for getting married so young, honestly (married at 22) but I had</div><div>-my degree</div><div>-zero debt to my name</div><div>-killer credit scores</div><div>-lived on my own</div><div>-financially stable enough to support myself (this is the one that I don't get from young couples. If you're living at home with mom and dad and they pay for everything.. why do you think you're ready to suddenly do all that on your own WITH another person? You have to know how to hold yourself accountable before you can help hold another accountable as well)</div><div>-lived WITH him </div><div>-been in enough long-term relationships to know what were deal-breakers for me</div><div>-been through 7 months long-distance with H (deployment) to understand our relationship from different perspectives and see how well we could communicate</div><div>- didn't feel the NEED to get married, it just seemed to natural and like a "duh" thought between the two of us. </div><div>- talked about all the "serious" issues with H (death, kids, religion, family ties/support, savings/investments, long-term career goals, etc) </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm not saying those are things that every person requires to get married, but those were all really important for me. Know what's important to YOU right now, in the near future, and in the long-term.  </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:0a212a30-555d-41bd-994b-a833e920cef5">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree. I'm sure even though you're older than I am you still have insecurities. I know plenty of people that are afraid of being judge, regardless of their age. I know my mother is, my forty year old cousin is, even my grandmother. I feel like that's something I'll always be worried of, I just need help being able to handle it when it's something as big as this is.
    Posted by cassidynicholee[/QUOTE]

    <div>Of course I have insecurities. But they are MINE and I deal with them accordingly, I don't expect people to cater to them (not that that's what you're expecting). Just because I don't like being judged doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself when I am and let  people know that I will not stand for their rude/disparaging/uncalled for/etc. comments when they come. That's what you and your FI need to do if you want to announce your engagement to people who you know/expect will look down on it. Come up with a game plan and some canned responses that you can repeat ad nauseam.</div><div>
    </div><div>PPs have given you a lot of excellent advice and I hope you take it to heart.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: spelling</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:d0aafc74-a4c2-4a51-bb99-b51ee58159e0">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : Having a full wedding ceremony when you're already married is a big no-no. Her wedding day was the day she got married in the courthouse, end of story. If she wants another wedding, she'll need to file for divorce and then remarry. I also like how she's calling her HUSBAND her fiance in all of her other posts on the boards. I think she knows that she's gonna get called out big time, and she absolutely deserves it. <strong>She does not, however, deserve another wedding day.</strong>
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Are you kidding me? "Deserve another wedding day"? A wedding isn't "deserved" or a thing you earn like an award or something. A wedding is a celebration and public way to profess your love for another person. </div><div>
    </div><div>And to the OP, good for you. You don't have to explain yourself to every single person who expresses doubt. This will be your marriage after all, and they have no place in it if they talk negatively towards it. Not to say you should just ignore everyone who has concerns, just be aware that for some people nothing you say or do will change their opinion. That will just take time.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:694171b0-ac65-46c6-884f-535230f66d01">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : Are you kidding me? "Deserve another wedding day"? A wedding isn't "deserved" or a thing you earn like an award or something. A wedding is a celebration and public way to profess your love for another person.  And to the OP, good for you. You don't have to explain yourself to every single person who expresses doubt. This will be your marriage after all, and they have no place in it if they talk negatively towards it. Not to say you should just ignore everyone who has concerns, just be aware that for some people nothing you say or do will change their opinion. That will just take time.
    Posted by longrj2[/QUOTE]

    You need to lurk a little more and/or grow up.  Addie is 100% right about this.  You get one wedding day.  ONE.  If you choose to have it at the courthouse, that is your decision.  You don't get a do-over pretty princess day.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • edited February 2013
    Ditto all of this from First TImer:

    -my degree
    -zero debt to my name
    -killer credit scores
    -lived on my own
    -financially stable enough to support myself (this is the one that I don't get from young couples. If you're living at home with mom and dad and they pay for everything.. why do you think you're ready to suddenly do all that on your own WITH another person? You have to know how to hold yourself accountable before you can help hold another accountable as well)
    -lived WITH him 
    -been in enough long-term relationships to know what were deal-breakers for me
    -been through 7 months long-distance with H (deployment) to understand our relationship from different perspectives and see how well we could communicate
    - didn't feel the NEED to get married, it just seemed to natural and like a "duh" thought between the two of us. 
    - talked about all the "serious" issues with H (death, kids, religion, family ties/support, savings/investments, long-term career goals, etc)

    DH and I had been together on and off for ten years before we got married.  There was nothing that we really had to have a sit-down over, knew where the others weaknesses were (eg. he's much better with money and investing than I am), knew eachother's families and friends very well, knew what separation was like (breakup, him being a travelling consultant for years), we'd both been through lay-offs, and like Firsttimer said, we didn't feel any great need to get married, it just felt like we had reached the right point in our lives to make it happen and because of all of our experiences, we knew that we didn't want to go down this road with anyone else.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:71f90dd1-e591-4295-a5c0-e2b37739830d">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : I've been lurking on this board for awhile and I am very sad to see some of the comments that you post. Who made you the supreme wedding planning godess? You don't know her situation as to whether or not she could have planned a cereomony in a short time. If she and her finance now wants a more formal wedding ceremony and reception who are you to judge? I think some of you take this wedding planning etiquette to serious. It's about the love of two people and them sharing that love with everyone whether it is the day they decide to get married or two years later.
    Posted by OhioBride2013[/QUOTE]



    Really? Most of my comments on this board consist of saying "Congrats and happy planning!"
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:6aeb8260-f9cc-43da-88a7-71368ebe7c82">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to 19 & Engaged : Welcome and congratulations on your engagement.  Your age won't be the only thing people judge when it comes to your wedding planning. People judged me for having H come gown shopping with me. People judged that we weren't having a religious ceremony. People judged that we decided on no kids at the wedding.  People. Judge.  You judge others as well. It's not just a one-way street.  Ultimately, if you love him and have zero doubts, hold your ground and close your ears to it.  I judge MYSELF for getting married so young, honestly (married at 22) but I had
    -my degree
    -zero debt to my name
    -killer credit scores
    -<strong>lived on my own </strong>
    -<strong>financially stable enough to support myself</strong> (this is the one that I don't get from young couples. If you're living at home with mom and dad and they pay for everything.. why do you think you're ready to suddenly do all that on your own WITH another person? You have to know how to hold yourself accountable before you can help hold another accountable as well)
    -been in enough long-term relationships to know what were deal-breakers for me
    -been through 7 months long-distance with H (deployment) to understand our relationship from different perspectives and see how well we could communicate
    - didn't feel the NEED to get married, it just seemed to natural and like a "duh" thought between the two of us. 
    - talked about all the "serious" issues with H (death, kids, religion, family ties/support, savings/investments, long-term career goals, etc) 
    I'm not saying those are things that every person requires to get married, but those were all really important for me. Know what's important to YOU right now, in the near future, and in the long-term.  
    Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

    All of this, especially the bolded. Just remember your planning a marriage (aka the rest of your life with this young man) not just a wedding.
    Though I must say this story sounds familiar. Welcome to TK!
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:694171b0-ac65-46c6-884f-535230f66d01">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : Are you kidding me? "Deserve another wedding day"? A wedding isn't "deserved" or a thing you earn like an award or something. A wedding is a celebration and public way to profess your love for another person.  And to the OP, good for you. You don't have to explain yourself to every single person who expresses doubt. This will be your marriage after all, and they have no place in it if they talk negatively towards it. Not to say you should just ignore everyone who has concerns, just be aware that for some people nothing you say or do will change their opinion. That will just take time.
    Posted by longrj2[/QUOTE]

    <div> I totally agree with you. That day at the courthouse was the day the <em><u>marriage</u></em> began. They made a commitment that day. Now, she should be able to have the <em><u>wedding</u></em> to celebrate that marriage- to say "Yes, we have dedicated ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. Come have a party with us and share in our happiness and joy!"</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:f0752b81-e8cd-46b2-b681-cb8c9d9448c4">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged :  I totally agree with you. That day at the courthouse was the day the marriage began. They made a commitment that day. Now, she should be able to have the wedding to celebrate that marriage- to say "Yes, we have dedicated ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. <strong>Come have a party with us</strong> and share in our happiness and joy!"
    Posted by MonikaRuth[/QUOTE]

    Fine.  Have a party but they do not get to dress up like a B&G and pretend to get married again.  And you really don't know what a wedding is.  A wedding is the ceremony that joins two people in marriage.  It happens ONE TIME.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:f0752b81-e8cd-46b2-b681-cb8c9d9448c4">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged :  I totally agree with you. That day at the courthouse was the day the marriage began. They made a commitment that day. Now, she should be able to have the wedding to celebrate that marriage- to say "Yes, we have dedicated ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. Come have a party with us and share in our happiness and joy!"
    Posted by MonikaRuth[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>A wedding is where you get married.  A reception or a party is where you celebrate it.  Two very different things.  </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker PersonalMilestone
  • Be Yourself and everything will fall into place, worrying about what others think will only get you down. If you truly feel in your heart that things are right, what everyone else has to say does not matter. This is your life girl! OWN IT!

    Isaiah 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

  • Okay, so maybe I should have said "Come let us show you these vows we have made to each other, and then let's celebrate!" If they want to say their vows twice, why does it matter? In this day and age you can do it however you want. It's basically a vow renewal, just a really fancy one. Everyone deserves to have the dress and the wedding, even if their situation requires courthouse beginning to their marriage. This poor girl was worried about criticism about her age, and now she's being told she doesn't even deserve a beautiful wedding at all? It's so sad. I thought this "community" would be a full of a lot more support, this is a really happy time for everyone here, so why all the negativity everywhere? 


  • edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:921c7211-1bb3-4969-8467-490d53aad6fd">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, so maybe I should have said "Come let us show you these vows we have made to each other, and then let's celebrate!" If they want to say their vows twice, why does it matter? <strong>In this day and age you can do it however you want</strong>. It's basically a vow renewal, just a really fancy one. Everyone deserves to have the dress and the wedding, even if their situation requires courthouse beginning to their marriage. This poor girl was worried about criticism about her age, and now she's being told she doesn't even deserve a beautiful wedding at all? It's so sad. I thought this "community" would be a full of a lot more support, this is a really happy time for everyone here, so why all the negativity everywhere? 
    Posted by MonikaRuth[/QUOTE]

    No you can't.  Please throw away any wedding related magazines you have and buy an etiquette book.

    And this is a supportive community.  Our main concern is keeping brides and grooms from making total and complete asses of themselves which you are telling OP to go ahead and do.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:921c7211-1bb3-4969-8467-490d53aad6fd">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, so maybe I should have said "Come let us show you these vows we have made to each other, and then let's celebrate!" If they want to say their vows twice, why does it matter? In this day and age you can do it however you want. It's basically a vow renewal, just a really fancy one. Everyone deserves to have the dress and the wedding, even if their situation requires courthouse beginning to their marriage. <strong>This poor girl was worried about criticism about her age, and now she's being told she doesn't even deserve a beautiful wedding at all?</strong> It's so sad. I thought this "community" would be a full of a lot more support, this is a really happy time for everyone here, so why all the negativity everywhere? 
    Posted by MonikaRuth[/QUOTE]

    OP is not the one talking about having a do-over.

    No one is being negative in this here "community".  They are just providing honest perspective that one's friends and family will think but be nice enough not to say.  I'm sorry if you don't agree, but if you get married in a courthouse and then a year and a half later you have a do-over wedding and reception and expect people to treat you like a bride, you are an AW.  Period, the end.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:0acefc13-6ce2-44da-9a2d-b402dd982fbb">19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm still fairly young, and I know that. But I'm a big believe in Souls, and I feel that I am an old soul, and I can handle this.  I have my mothers blessing, so that's not an issue. She even helped pick out the ring!  I am, however, terribly affraid of criticism. I know that it's bound to come in a situation like this, but I don't know if I can handle it.  How do I tell people about my engagement without getting weird looks?  What do I do if some of my other family members don't approve? 
    Posted by cassidynicholee[/QUOTE]

    First of all, I would suggest having a long engagement.  How long is up to you.  Are you in college?  Maybe set the date for a few months after graduation.  If my younger brother and his girlfriend got engaged (they are 18), I would feel much more confident in their readiness if they were going to put off the wedding for a bit than if they got married right away.  I know it seems unfair, but the perception that a teenager is not ready for marriage is based on a huge percentage of those marriages failing. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:921c7211-1bb3-4969-8467-490d53aad6fd">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, so maybe I should have said "Come let us show you these vows we have made to each other, and then let's celebrate!" If they want to say their vows twice, why does it matter? In this day and age you can do it however you want. It's basically a vow renewal, just a really fancy one. Everyone deserves to have the dress and the wedding, even if their situation requires courthouse beginning to their marriage. This poor girl was worried about criticism about her age, and <strong>now she's being told she doesn't even deserve a beautiful wedding at all?</strong> It's so sad. I thought this "community" would be a full of a lot more support, this is a really happy time for everyone here, so why all the negativity everywhere? 
    Posted by MonikaRuth[/QUOTE]

    <div>Nobody is telling HER that. They are telling the people who are responding talking about THEIR do-overs that.</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:6aeb8260-f9cc-43da-88a7-71368ebe7c82">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to 19 & Engaged : Welcome and congratulations on your engagement.  Your age won't be the only thing people judge when it comes to your wedding planning. People judged me for having H come gown shopping with me. People judged that we weren't having a religious ceremony. People judged that we decided on no kids at the wedding.  People. Judge.  You judge others as well. It's not just a one-way street.  Ultimately, if you love him and have zero doubts, hold your ground and close your ears to it.  I judge MYSELF for getting married so young, honestly (married at 22) but I had -my degree -zero debt to my name -killer credit scores -lived on my own -financially stable enough to support myself (this is the one that I don't get from young couples. If you're living at home with mom and dad and they pay for everything.. why do you think you're ready to suddenly do all that on your own WITH another person? You have to know how to hold yourself accountable before you can help hold another accountable as well) -lived WITH him  -been in enough long-term relationships to know what were deal-breakers for me -been through 7 months long-distance with H (deployment) to understand our relationship from different perspectives and see how well we could communicate - didn't feel the NEED to get married, it just seemed to natural and like a "duh" thought between the two of us.  - talked about all the "serious" issues with H (death, kids, religion, family ties/support, savings/investments, long-term career goals, etc)  I'm not saying those are things that every person requires to get married, but those were all really important for me. Know what's important to YOU right now, in the near future, and in the long-term.  
    Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

    <div>Rock on!</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_19-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:600c3fd5-009f-47b0-a36d-ce4813b643bePost:678da871-0833-40fa-ad4a-9936aec4b054">Re: 19 & Engaged</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's one for you: I dropped a bomb on my mom a month after I had turned 20 that I was getting married in two months or else my F could face being deported when his visa expired in the next four months (he had just turned 19, loooooong story!) My mom and I didn't speak until a week before our courthouse date to sign our marriage license and was STILL critical (we didn't have a wedding/ceremony/reception, just signed papers and took pictures). In the year and two months since that day, my mom has come to love us as a married couple and is even <strong>helping me plan the ceremony and reception my hubby and I never had.</strong> I guess the whole point of this story is to let you know that your family will come to love you and your F as a couple, whether they agree with the early engagement or not. You may not have dropped the bomb quite like I did (whoops!), but you have to focus on what you desire your future to look like, not what your family desires your future to look like!
    Posted by avg0223[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Please really think about the PPD you are talking about...When you're already married it's called a VOW RENEWAL and you can still invite friends and family to celebrate with you, but it doesn't mirror and wedding and wedding reception.</div><div>
    </div>
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  • To the OP....I agree that if you are insecure about what people think about your marriage and your age, the most important thing you can do is have a long engagement.  As PPs have said, if people judge you, it is mostly out of genuine concern for your well-being.  The fact is that the statistics show the younger you are when you get married, the more likely you are to divorce.  People know this and they don't want to see you get hurt.

    Other than having a long engagement, there is nothing you can do about people criticizing you for getting married very young.  It is true that the older you get, the less you care about what other people think, period.  I was engaged at 23, and I worried that people would think I was too young (they did and I was) or that people would think my fiance wasn't the right guy for me (they did and he wasn't).  Basically, everyone was right and I was wrong.  I'm glad I realized that and didn't get married that young (or to that guy). 

    I'm not saying your experience will be the same as mine.  All I'm saying is that if you are very concerned about what people think, consider the fact that there may be some truth in their criticism and your guy might be telling you that
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  • RenoSweeney24RenoSweeney24 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    edited May 2013
    I get where you're coming from on the "one wedding day" thing, but some people have extenuating circumstances.  My parents have 2 anniversaries (though they're only a few weeks apart) because of some sort of necessity to be legally married so they could be together (my dad was overseas because of the military and there was some sort of policy at the time).  Anyway, their WEDDING was a few weeks later.  They got MARRIED via some sort of teleconference (before the internet existed, mind you) and then had a WEDDING a few weeks later.
    I highly doubt they thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be romantic to have a wedding via teleconference?"
    in Response to Re: 19 & Engaged:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 19 & Engaged : You need to lurk a little more and/or grow up.  Addie is 100% right about this.  You get one wedding day.  ONE.  If you choose to have it at the courthouse, that is your decision.  You don't get a do-over pretty princess day.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]
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