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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Grooms divorced parents
Making a long story short, My 27 year old son is getting married in August, his dad and I are divorced and have been separated for 4 years. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and plan the rest of my life with him. My ex is still bitter about the divorce, he did not want it and says he could not stand to see me with another man. We have to do grand kids parties in shifts etc. My son has indicated that my BF won't be invited to the wedding because his dad refuses to be around us. I do not want to miss my sons big day but, don't want to go without my BF and don't feel it is right that he be excluded because of the ex's stubbornness. If I don't make a stand now this will go on forever. The wedding is also 10 hours away, and there won't be many from my sons side anyway. I'm debating on just going to the wedding and nothing else. And that my ex is making my son choose between the 2 of us. Just looking for input.. Thank you
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Re: Grooms divorced parents
[QUOTE]Making a long story short, My 27 year old son is getting married in August, his dad and I are divorced and have been separated for 4 years. <strong>I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and plan the rest of my life with him.</strong> My ex is still bitter about the divorce, he did not want it and says he could not stand to see me with another man. We have to do grand kids parties in shifts etc. My son has indicated that my BF won't be invited to the wedding because his dad refuses to be around us. I do not want to miss my sons big day but, don't want to go without my BF and don't feel it is right that he be excluded because of the ex's stubbornness. If I don't make a stand now this will go on forever. The wedding is also 10 hours away, and there won't be many from my sons side anyway. I'm debating on just going to the wedding and nothing else. And that my ex is making my son choose between the 2 of us. Just looking for input.. Thank you
Posted by Maggi708[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm really sorry your ex is being a big baby. It really isn't right of your son not to invite your BF. I don't really have a lot of advice. I wish there was an easy answer. Is there anyway you could talk to your son and explain to him what you are feeling? Maybe tell him the bolded to put it into perspective, or ask if how he would feel if you didn't invite your FDIL to things. (Not saying doing this, but make it something that makes sense to him.) Or better yet, send him here and we can set him straight.
</div>
OP, I'm so sorry your son is treating you this way, I want to give you a hug. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I would feel uncomfortable to be 10 hours away from my BF "hanging" out with my ex-husband who is still hung up on me. Maybe I watch too much CSI and Lifetime movies, but it's not a situation I would feel comfortable with. I would feel like he would try and use the situation to his advantage or something. I also think your son might have the delusion that with no BF there his family is still intact.
IDK, the whole situation makes would make me uncomfortable.
[QUOTE]No, disrespecting your partner for the comfort of your former spouse is NOT the high road. I'm sorry, it just isn't. <strong>The high road would be for the groom's father to act like an adult, but if he cannot do that then missing his son's wedding is HIS choice, not a weapon to be wielded in order to get his way</strong>. And I am also the child of a VERY messy divorce whose mother has as much "right" as anyone short of a physical abuse victim to not ever want to be in the same room as my father again. I promise, if she can do it, most people can.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This. I would talk to your son, express what you are feeling and say ask that his father be civil for their special day. This is the beginning of a new family that should start a precedence. Will they always want their holidays to be separate with you and with your ex and then with her family? Before me, FI had to separate all his holidays amongst his parents. Add me and my family traditions = we were going to 4 -5 places a season. I started just inviting everyone over our house together and people got over themselves and even have a good time...and they keep coming back for the next holiday. I don't want to bring our future kids into a divisive situation like it was.
Good luck!
This advice is incorrect on a few levels. OP's son and his fiancee are the ones in the wrong here. OP is divorcing her husband and has moved on to another relationship. She's not only named her new SO her BF, she has said their relationship is serious. As far as etiquette goes, OP's son SHOULD extend an invitation to OP's BF because they are a couple and couples are always invited if they are in a serious relationship. He should NOT be enabling his father to deliver a childish ultimatum because he and his dad do not like that OP is now with another man.
OP's ex husband is the one who needs to take "the high road" and either attend the wedding or stay home if he can't stand the fact that his wife left him. His reaction is his to control, and he should make no one else suffer for his hurt pride and feelings.
Unfortunately, because the ex husband [and probably the son] are butthurt, OP is the one suffering. She does need to make a stand, and ideally now, because she needs to let her family know it is not acceptable to treat either her or her SO this way. The son is just too immature to realize that treating the OP and her BF this way is extremely disrespectful.
In this situation it is wrong to let your personal feelings color someone else's relationship. The OP's son needs to be the bigger man, and broker a peace or tell his dad to stay home if he doesn't feel comfortable.
[QUOTE]Your ex isn't "making" your son do anything. He is presumably an adult and unless his dad is holding a gun to his head, he is making the choice to hurt you to avoid drama with his dad. You are right, if you let this stand it WILL go on forever. Only you can decide if it is worth it to call his bluff and possibly miss his wedding, but personally I would tell your son how hurt you are by this, how incredibly rude it is, and let him know that if your BF isn't welcome, you won't be attending.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>This. Listen to stage she always posts good advice. </div>
[QUOTE]As a daughter in a similar position to your son, I have to say...first and foremost, it is HIS (& his FI's) day. Think of him and the relationship you want to have with him going forward. Your boyfriend may be very important to YOU, but what type of relationship does your son have with him? This dynamic goes way beyond the ettiquette of "should" or "shouldn't" and I honestly don't think the knot is the right place to be asking this question. Basically, either option you have listed is going to cause a little drama on the wedding day. Either your son misses out on the important Groom-Mother dance and everyone wonders what happened that you would skip out, or your son's father is uncomfortable or skips coming because of your boyfriend's presence. Perhaps you could take the highest road and leave the boyfriend at home per the request of your son, and handle all this at the next juncture of family get-togethers - one that isn't a once-in-a-lifetime big celebration?
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
I'm also a daughter in a similar position and I disagree with this. What the son's father is doing is emotional blackmail. It's cruel.
While I do understand that the wedding is a bad time for everyone to be together for the first time, that's something that could have been rectified if they hadn't been "shift parenting." The wedding is now, but what about future events, especially if/when your son and his new wife have children? Will there ever be a "good time" for everyone to be together for the first time?
OP's son needs a little wedding etiquette lesson.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms divorced parents : I'm also a daughter in a similar position and I disagree with this. What the son's father is doing is emotional blackmail. It's cruel. While I do understand that the wedding is a bad time for everyone to be together for the first time, that's something that could have been rectified if they hadn't been "shift parenting." The wedding is now, but what about future events, especially if/when your son and his new wife have children? Will there ever be a "good time" for everyone to be together for the first time?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
<div>I would say the best time would be at the next holiday, when there isn't the possibility for 200 other onlookers, friends, etc. to witness all this.</div><div>
</div><div>As for those of you telling her to talk to her son, I still stand against that. The parents should work it out with each other. You loved each other enough at one point in time to create that son, now remember that and work it out without stressing him out and adding any more to his plate. I'm sure he has enough to deal with keeping the planning on track and helping his FI. Don't bother him with this. Work it out with the root of the problem, your ex-husband.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms divorced parents : I would say the best time would be at the next holiday, when there isn't the possibility for 200 other onlookers, friends, etc. to witness all this. As for those of you telling her to talk to her son, I still stand against that. The parents should work it out with each other. You loved each other enough at one point in time to create that son, now remember that and work it out without stressing him out and adding any more to his plate. I'm sure he has enough to deal with keeping the planning on track and helping his FI. Don't bother him with this. Work it out with the root of the problem, your ex-husband.
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
You don't get it. The son is listening to the dad and giving into the ultimatum. He is creating the problem!
Mom doesn't need to work anything out with the dad here. She's perfectly capable of being civil to the ex and the son is the root of the issue by giving into the asinine ultimatum in the first place.
There is no need to create a 'test' situation here. As grown-ass adults, mom and dad get two choices: show up and be adults or face the possiblity of being asked to leave if they make a scene. These are not options:
1) Invite the parents alone without any SOs so the child gets to play pretend and believe that Mom and Dad still love each other and everything is fine.
2) Mom goes to talk to Dad who is too butthurt about the divorce to move on.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms divorced parents : I would say the best time would be at the next holiday, when there isn't the possibility for 200 other onlookers, friends, etc. to witness all this. As for those of you telling her to talk to her son, I still stand against that. The parents should work it out with each other. You loved each other enough at one point in time to create that son, now remember that and work it out without stressing him out and adding any more to his plate. I'm sure he has enough to deal with keeping the planning on track and helping his FI. Don't bother him with this. Work it out with the root of the problem, your ex-husband.
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
Somehow I don't think a holiday would be better than a wedding or funeral or what ever. There is no ideal time. That was my point. There will never be a time when the ex will be more okay with the bf being there. So if her son wants both parents to stop giving ultimatums, the son needs to put a stop to it sooner than later. Ideally the son should say something along the lines of, "Mom, dad... I'm inviting all three of you. The ball is in your court." This isn't about making the dad happy or the mom happy. It's about dealing with the fact that they're never going to be a nuclear family again and her ex needs to accept that and her son needs to deal with it.
There won't be 200 onlookers (or however many guests) unless all those people know there is an issue to begin with. They probably all know the parents are divorced and if not, it's not like divorce is so taboo anymore. If the guests are gawking at all, it's probably because they're wondering, "gee, I thought they were divorced, but where is the mom's bf and why are they all pretending to be a big happy family?"
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms divorced parents : I would say the best time would be at the next holiday, when there isn't the possibility for 200 other onlookers, friends, etc. to witness all this. As for those of you telling her to talk to her son, I still stand against that. The parents should work it out with each other. You loved each other enough at one point in time to create that son, now remember that and work it out without stressing him out and adding any more to his plate. I'm sure he has enough to deal with keeping the planning on track and helping his FI. Don't bother him with this. Work it out with the root of the problem, your ex-husband.
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
But dad is the one giving the ultimatum Dad is the one making this stressfully. Not the mom. Why does she have to work it out with dad?
Mom divorced dad for a reason. Based on the ultimatum it would not surprise me if the reason was he was controlling. If that is the case giving in to dad is not the answer.
On another note, would you be comfortable with our FI speading a long weekend OOT with an ex you know is still hung up on him? I would not. Especially since I should have been invited to said weekend to begin with. Not being invited makes you wonder what the ex has in mind. Again mom divorced dad for a reason. She deserves to have the support of her SO. It's not just a 5 hour wedding. There is the travelling, the RD, wedding day, etc. I think it's wrong to ask anyone to spead that much time away from their SO because someone else it demanding it.
[QUOTE]This thread is why I wish I had eloped! I'll give up because it seems her son has more to do with the issue than he ever should have in the first place. He shouldn't have said no to his mom, <strong>he should have directed his father to the nearest crib and told him to cry it out and move on.</strong> However, my suggestions were based on the fact that he already indulged the poor baby. I do see your points about it being weird that they are pretending to be one big happy family, but given that her son is 27 and they only divorced a year and a half or so ago, they were for pretty much his whole life. Maybe he's still having a hard time accepting whatever happened that caused the divorce. Whatever happens, OP, good luck and I hope this doesn't strain your relationship with son & his soon-to-be-wife.
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
The bolded part made me giggle.
I found out my parents were getting a divorce about two weeks before my bat mitzvah. My mom asked me if I would mind if she and my dad sat at separate tables. I asked her not to do that. My friends didn't know and I didnt' want to tell them. I thought it would turn a celebration for something I'd been working really hard on for years into a gossip fest.
Looking back on it, I made the wrong decision. Of course. About a month after my bat mitzvah, I learned that more of my friends than I knew had divorced parents. They wouldn't have even noticed they were at separate tables. I know that now.
The thing was, I was twelve and this was in a span of two weeks. The son is an adult and it's been over a year. He would do well to speak to a counselor or someone objective about this before this ultimatum garbage continues.
[QUOTE]This thread is why I wish I had eloped! I'll give up because it seems her son has more to do with the issue than he ever should have in the first place. He shouldn't have said no to his mom, he should have directed his father to the nearest crib and told him to cry it out and move on. However, my suggestions were based on the fact that he already indulged the poor baby. <strong>I do see your points about it being weird that they are pretending to be one big happy family, but given that her son is 27 and they only divorced a year and a half or so ago, they were for pretty much his whole life</strong>. Maybe he's still having a hard time accepting whatever happened that caused the divorce. Whatever happens, OP, good luck and I hope this doesn't strain your relationship with son & his soon-to-be-wife.
Posted by lamoeller[/QUOTE]
She has lived with her BF for a year and a half. Mom and dad have been separated for 4 years. They are divorced, but it does say exactly how long into the separation that occurred.
That was so uncalled for that they actually expected you to leave at a certain time.
That is awful. I can't even.... they're awful.
It sounds like the shift grandparenting is not something being repeated three times a year for 4 years. It sounds like it's happened a couple of times, but it's not like it's the accepted grandparenting plan. You may want to reconsider doing shifts in the future and show that you are not okay with this. I understand the logic that attending leaving a child's birthday party early is different than not bringing your BF to a wedding 10 hours away, but your son might see it as you are helping create the situation of not being able to be in the same room together and now you want to parade your BF at his wedding.
What's your son's view of the divorce? Sometimes things don't work out, mom finally got out of a bad marriage to a good dad, or poor dad got his heart stomped by a good mom? It sounds like he does like your ex as a dad and he has a very good relationship with you.
You've said you want to spend your life with your BF. Have you and BF discussed this? Are you planning on getting married? Are you in a "don't need city hall and a piece of paper" commitment? Does your son know the level of commitment?
You don't have to answer any of these very personal questions here, of course. I'm just trying to help you think of how to talk to your son to make him decide he will be willing to hurt the relationship with his dad (even though his dad should have moved on) and have his dad potentially not attend the wedding by standing up for you and your relationship. It sounds like your son hoped the option that "mom's BF stays home and she doesn't care" works.