Child's Mother

LyleDenno · February 2010

My fiance's 2 year old son is going to be our ring bearer. The child's mother was a one night stand who is a drama queen with a bad attitude. His family is from Michigan and the wedding is in my home state of Tennessee. He feels that she needs to be invited to our wedding. I say obsolutely NOT! His son has been to Tennessee without his mother before and when he goes home she drops him off until my fiance calls to take him back to his mother. I need HELP! Is it nessicary to invite her?

JessAndTrav · February 2010

I personally wouldn't, but I'm also not always senstive to shitty parents.

nda_roxybabe · February 2010

I find it ironic your name is Lyle.

LyleDenno · February 2010

thats my maiden name...

ootmother2 · February 2010

If it's his day of custody, you have to incude the birth mom, particulary if she has prime custody and the child has to travel from Michigan to Tenessee.

Unless you could send a helicopter for him, how do you expect to get a 2 year old to sleep over night and get dressed for the wedding?

LyleDenno · February 2010

     We are planning on bringing him down the week before so he can settle in a little before the wedding. I have a house close to the wedding site so he wouldn't be stuck in a hotel.

     I do understand that things are different when children are involved and that is why I am asking advice. But seeing as how he has been down here before for several days without her and it wasn't an issue I personally don't feel that it is neccisary to invite her. What would be the purpose of her coming? There will be a lot of familiar faces for his son to see before, during and after the ceremony.

     I am not inviting any of my ex's. Since they never had a relationship to include a friendship she wouldn't have been even considered if it wasn't for his son. Why would she need to come?

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

Look, like it or not, you're going to be connected to this woman for the rest of your marriage. He's 2. I'm assuming your FI is going to be quite busy during the wedding stuff and it would be nice if his mother was there to take care of him. Are you worried about her being a threat or something? Unless there was extreme bad blood, I don't see the harm in inviting her.

JessAndTrav · February 2010

I just re-read your OP. I thought it said that the RB was your FRIEND'S child, not your FI's.

I'm thinking the polite thing to do would be to invite her. You want to stay on good terms with her.

thesuninherhead · February 2010

I don't care at all about whether or not you invite you future stepson's mother, but the fact you continually refer to him as 'the child' doesn't bode well with me.

mwhitson14 · February 2010

Who will watch him if his mom isn't around? I'm assuming your FI normally does, but y'all are going to be a little crazy with the wedding and it might be easier to have her there.

mainemommy · February 2010

I've got 2 children who aren't biologically FI's. I will not be inviting their father to our wedding just so they can be watched, I have family members willing to do that. His face would be the last one I would want to see on my wedding day & I certainly dont want to have him at my reception where there will be drinking dancing & fun as a thank you to my guests. Thats just my situation though.

Im thinking given your situation as long as there's someone other than your FI that can keep track of him & he is comfortable being there with you guys without her you might be better off not inviting a dramatic one night stand to your wedding.

bbyckes · February 2010

Don't invite her. You are not obligated.

ac_in_dc · February 2010

Yeah, there's no hard and fast etiquette rule that dictates that she be invited.

But it sounds like your FI thinks it's appropriate to invite her, which is the important detail here. Sounds like you guys need to talk a bit more about how much his son/your future stepson's mom will be involved in your life together and in what capacity. You have a lot of years ahead of you sharing custody with this woman.

sassyredd2010 · February 2010

i am kind of going through the same thing. My future daughter in laws are 3 & 5 and i have them both as my jr brides along with my twins as the jr grooms; anywhoo i am not inviting the mom just because i dont feel she needs to be there and there are plenty of people in the family including his dad and my parents,aunts, grandmother etc who are more than happy to watch them. FI's mom and i no longer get along but she is really good friends with his ex and i'm scared they are both gonna show up together un-invited being messy. i guess what i'm trying to say {instead of giving my whole story lol} is that if someone is willing to help watch him while ya'll are there and during the honeymoon then i dont see why she is needed. but if you dont then i would say you're gonna have to suck this one up..sorry

sassyredd2010 · February 2010

i might add that i've already talked to FI and told him that if his mom and his ex do show up and there's any drama i dont want to know about it to politely have them escorted out!

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childs-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95b78ffa-8c46-4a0e-bec8-bbdf4fcc97e7Post:1cbe84ca-1c32-4042-8394-8ae110e976bb">Re: Child's Mother</a>:
[QUOTE] But it sounds like your FI thinks it's appropriate to invite her, which is the important detail here. Sounds like you guys need to talk a bit more about how much his son/your future stepson's mom will be involved in your life together and in what capacity. You have a lot of years ahead of you sharing custody with this woman.
Posted by ac_in_dc[/QUOTE]
Exactly. Judging by the wording in your OP, your FI either wants her there, or feels it's appropriate that she at least receive an invitation. I would sit down with him and figure out why, and also make sure you're on the same page about her involvement in your future.

Morfudd · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childs-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95b78ffa-8c46-4a0e-bec8-bbdf4fcc97e7Post:9d2b85ed-a8d3-4a33-91aa-45684da8612b">Re: Child's Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]i might add that i've already talked to FI and told him that if his mom and his ex do show up and there's any drama i dont want to know about it to politely have them escorted out!
Posted by sassyredd2010[/QUOTE]

Wait, I assume you mean your soon-to-be-stepson's mom, not FI's mom? Otherwise you have a whole other set of questions, too.

I thought your stepson's mother was the drama queen?

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I don't think you have to invite her. It might be a nice gesture, but it's not necessary. I would talk with your FI about it since it sounds like he has reasons for wanting her there.

On a side note, if I were her, I would not want to go. It just sounds like an uncomfortable situation.

Morfudd · February 2010

Yeah, personally: I wouldn't want to go if I were her. But I would worry about who would take care of him on the wedding day. Two is small!

Calypso1977 · February 2010

i think if he's traveled out of state before withouth is mother, then she doesnt need to be invited. however, the kid might be happier/more comfortable if his mom is there with him, since his dad probably wont be able to spend much time with him the day of the wedding.

in a way, i think you sort of have to get used to stuff like this. this child and his mom are part of your life now, which is a choice you made when you opted to get involved with someone who has a child from a previous relationship.

fangsiting · February 2010

Do you think she would come? There is no way I would attend the wedding of a guy I had a one night stand with. How awkward would that dinner conversation be?

Aunt Matilda: and how do you know the groom?
FI's son's mother: I had a one-night stand with him 2 years ago

ohwhynot · February 2010

Wait. What? A 2 year old has traveled from Michigan to Tennessee without his mother before? How? And for how long? And how did this baby get from MI to TN & back?

I need more details before I can say whether you or your fi is being more reasonable.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

I do not think the mom needs to be invited. Just work out the travel arrangements so his son is taken care of.

My Fi has a son that will be 7 when we get married. Granted his ex lives in the same city as us, but she will not be invited. The last person I want to see as I am walking down the aisle is HER. You don't want to be thinking about this woman if you see her in the crowd. I'm sure you have plenty of friends & family that will be able to assist in taking care of him. It might even be nice for grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc to get to spend a little extra time with him w/o his mom being there.

trix1223 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childs-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95b78ffa-8c46-4a0e-bec8-bbdf4fcc97e7Post:2a547aff-e435-4db6-b19d-ee8fab78a8f2">Re: Child's Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]i am kind of going through the same thing. My <em><strong>future daughter in laws</strong></em> are 3 & 5 and i have them both as my jr brides along with my twins as the jr grooms; anywhoo i am not inviting the mom just because i dont feel she needs to be there and there are plenty of people in the family including his dad and my parents,aunts, grandmother etc who are more than happy to watch them. FI's mom and i no longer get along but she is really good friends with his ex and i'm scared they are both gonna show up together un-invited being messy. i guess what i'm trying to say {instead of giving my whole story lol} is that if someone is willing to help watch him while ya'll are there and during the honeymoon then i dont see why she is needed. but if you dont then i would say you're gonna have to suck this one up..sorry
Posted by sassyredd2010[/QUOTE]

I'm confused. Are the 3 and 5 year olds your future step-daughters, or your future Daughters-in-law?

Crissyo · February 2010

I have two future stepdaughters,who I am very close to and will be in our wedding party. WE are having them the whole weekend of the wedding and actually we hired a babysitter ( someone the girls know) to watch them at the reception, so we can enjoy it, but still have them there on this important and special day. Anyway...there is NO WAY that I would be inviting my Fi's ex...NO WAY AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe its because of her instability....but it is also extremely awkward and maybe people are forgetting that you are the bride and this is YOUR DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are not a bridezilla to insist that you don't want your Fi's ex at the wedding....Stick to your guns!
However, to add if he is 2, maybe the mother can come down and stay somewhere local ( hotel) and then you can have a babysitter drop him off to the mother after the ceremony or early into the reception.

squirrly · February 2010

I think you need to talk to your FI about WHY he wants her there. Once you understand that, you can have an informed discussion. It's possible she might come to TN but not attend the wedding, even.

And, to everyone who has asked how a 2 year old can go to Tennessee - I would assume with his father. The OP's FI.

lyndausvi · February 2010

There are plenty of people who can handle this sort of situation. I worked a wedding where the ex was invited and expected to take care of the daughter while the mom was busy with the wedding. They are really close and it worked out fine.

That does not seem to be the case in your situation though.

I guess it depends on how much times the 2 year old as been to TN? Does have a relationship with the other family members?

The dad going to TN with his son for a normal trip is one thing, but he is going to be busy, so who will be taking care of the child could be a big issue.

If your FI wants to invite her, I think it shows a sign that he does not want or think it's appropriate for other people to take care of the child. He might feel that the child has not established a good enough relationship with family members and thinks the mom would be the best person to take care of the child.

If the child was older it would be a no brainer and she does not need to be there. 2 is still pretty young, not know the childs personality, it's hard to say what is in his best interest.

tenofcups4me · February 2010

I can't think of any reason you'd need to invite her or even why anyone would want to invite her. The only problem I see is that your FH apparently thinks he does need to invite her -- why? But from any kind of etiquette standpoint, of course you don't have to invite her.

LyleDenno · February 2010

Thank you everyone for the feedback.
@thesuninherhead ~ I refer to his son as "child" because I don't want to post his name on here. Its a small world and a lot of people talk trash. I'm not trying to cause bad blood I just want to find out what I'm obligated to do.

@tenofcups4me ~ He feels that if he doesn't invite her she is going to try and cause drama.

@CrissyO ~ None of his family cares for her so I doubt anybody would be willing to even stay in the same hotel as her. My FI's mom might drop his son off after the wedding to her though. Plus she would most likely make my FI pay for her trip down and stay. Thatst just the kind of person she is.

@ohwhynot ~ he came down before with my FI's mom. He stayed 3 days. Most of the time we drive up to MI though.

@ calypso1977 ~ His son's mother and I don't have a relationship at all. I've tried to talk to her before, you know friendly conversation, and she just stares at me like I'm the devil. Last time I was in MI for 3 weeks with his family and we had his son the majority of the time and I think I might have gotten a dozen words out of her the whole time. So I doubt that we will ever any type of relationship. This is one of the reasons I don't feel like I should invite her. If we had even had a single conversation then maybe...

@morfudd ~ No my FI's mom is very sweet. Its the Fi's son's mother ie, his baby momma, that I'm worried about.

Calypso1977 · February 2010

my point wasnt that you had to have a relationship with her, but moreso that she is going to be a part of your life, good or bad, for the life of that child. you will have many events where you will most likely have to see her, get along with her, etc. doesnt mean you have to be best friends with her, but you're going to have to be civil. however that child was conceived, he was conceived, kept, and is being raised by your FI and this woman.

Pirata13 · February 2010

Don't invite her if there are family and friends willing to help care for FI's son, which it sounds like there is. While it's true that you are going to have to get used to dealing with this woman, and share important events in your stepson's life with her, I don't think your wedding has to be one of them. You don't HAVE to invite her. If you all had a good relationship and you wanted to, that's one thing, but it sounds like you have made a good effort and she is resisting. I don't think you shold have to share your wedding day with her. As long as FI's son will be cared for by people he knows and is comfortable with, I think it's fine to leave her out.

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