Dad has a negative opinion of fiance

krupelak · October 2011

Help! My sister recently told me my dad has some very hurtful things to day about my fiance. We are both in the military and dad has only met him once but he was very respectful. He is a wonderful, loving man and I couldn't create a better man if I wanted to.

My sister informed me that when my dad found out my fiance has two black ex-wive (we're both white) he said that my fiance must have had "jungle fever" and that I needed to get myself tested for STDs ASAP. I was outraged that my dad would say something so hurtful and ignorant. I had no idea my dad had racist feeling like this. I called him and asked him if he had any concerns about me and fiance, he said that he didn't know fiance well, so he couldn't say.

I'm at a loss what to do. I don't want to tell him that my sis told me, bc I don't want him to get upset w her. But I really want to talk with him about this. Any suggestions for how to approach this? I'm so lost.

artbyallie · October 2011

Well, it should be standard procedure for a couple to both get tested before getting intimate, regardless of race of the people or their previous partners. However, the 'jungle fever' part was indeed racist. At the same time, it's only hearsay, so you can't be sure your dad actually said that. I would tell him that you heard about it (you don't necessarily have to say who from) and you want to know if he really thinks that.

I understand that it's awkward to find out someone you're close to is bigoted like that. I'm always nervous around H's grandfather because he has a tendency to rant about n-words and "Japs" and so on. It makes me cringe.

8daysaweek · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dad-negative-opinion-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:507ce923-4901-4786-92e9-64ef2d665512Post:3f45fbfc-e87b-4aa9-b0dc-6ab29811fb2d">Dad has a negative opinion of fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Help! My sister recently told me my dad has some very hurtful things to day about my fiance. We are both in the military and dad has only met him once but he was very respectful. He is a wonderful, loving man and I couldn't create a better man if I wanted to. My sister informed me that when my dad found out my fiance has two black ex-wive (we're both white) he said that my fiance must have had "jungle fever" and that I needed to get myself tested for STDs ASAP. I was outraged that my dad would say something so hurtful and ignorant. I had no idea my dad had racist feeling like this. I called him and asked him if he had any concerns about me and fiance, he said that he didn't know fiance well, so he couldn't say. I'm at a loss what to do. I don't want to tell him that my sis told me, bc I don't want him to get upset w her. But I really want to talk with him about this. Any suggestions for how to approach this? I'm so lost.
Posted by krupelak[/QUOTE]

Honestly, your sister shouldn't have repeated it to you. All ithat does it hurt your feelings and upset you. And really, if your dad didn't say it when you confronted him, it's little more than gossip. Sometimes we think we should tell people what someone says about them, but if it only serves to hurt them, it's really best to keep it to yourself.

You've asked your dad and he didn't bring it up. Maybe he realized after he said it how awful it was, I don't know. But if I were you, I would move on and put it out of your mind - unless the subject comes up. Then, absolutely, I would address it and tell him that you're disturbed by his racist comment and you will not tolerate it. If he persists, end your interaction with him by leaving, getting off the phone, whatever.

Personally, I know I have certain basic expectations of the people in my life: that they will treat me and my family with respect, that they will not be racist, sexist, homophobic, etc., that they will behave themselves as the adults they are. I treat them as though they are going to meet those expectations until I see that they don't and then I deal with it and decide whether it's a relationship I want to continue.

I would tell him that if he has an issue because he doesn't know your FI well, he needs to make an effort to change that.

I'm sorry that your dad said something so cruel and that you are hurt. I understand that and I know how surprising it is to realize that someone you love and respect might have opinions you so strongly disagree with.

I had a similar experience with my grandfather as a teenager. I thought he hung the mood and the first time he said something blatantly racist in front of me, I was shocked. From then on, when he said something like that to me, I would say "Why would you say that? That's terrible." I didn't just let comments pass. Eventually, he stopped saying those things, at least when I was around him.

A few years later when my cousin came out to our family, most of us thought that my grandfather would not approve. But we approached it and treated him like he was just going to continue to love and accept my cousin because that was our expectation of what was acceptable. And I can't say for sure how he felt about it, but you know, he never treated my cousin any differently and never said an unkind word about it.

em01092 · October 2011

I'd just let it go unless he continues to make racist comments. Like PPs said, you can't be sure he even said it this way and you attempted to discuss it with him.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but your dad doesn't have to be BFF with your FI. As long as he respects him and your decision to marry him, which is yours alone, then that's all that matters. He doesn't have to know him well. Your dad isn't marrying him, you are. I realize that a lot of people have close families and expectations of bonding, gatherings, whatever and they want everyone to be buddy buddy, so I understand if this is the way things are for you and that's what's troubling, but just remember that he will be your husband, not your dad's.

krupelak · October 2011

Thank you everyone for your advice on this sticky subject. I'm going to visit my dad tomorrow and I think I'll take everyone's advice in mind for that meeting. I'm going to be an adult and just try to have a good relationship with my dad. If he brings it up I'll tell him that racist thoughts are unacceptable to me and if he continues to voice them I woun't want my family around him.

kmmssg · October 2011

I think that is a really good coarse of action. Even taking the racist part out, he has met your FI one time and knows he has been divorced twice. As a parent myself, that would come under some heavy scrutiny. Be open and listen to his concerns but absolutely be firm in not tolerating anyting racist.

tldh · October 2011

OP - very rarely does one make it to adulthood without knowing whether family members (esp. those you lived with) are racists. Has you dad ever said something like this in the past?

krupelak · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dad-negative-opinion-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:507ce923-4901-4786-92e9-64ef2d665512Post:a179a6d2-c9d3-414a-b1d9-a24eade3aac6">Re: Dad has a negative opinion of fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]OP - very rarely does one make it to adulthood without knowing whether family members (esp. those you lived with) are racists. Has you dad ever said something like this in the past?
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

No, He has always told me "its culture, not color that matters." Meaning there are whites and blacks and every other ethinicity running around acting like thugs and not living responsibly. This was honestly the first time I'd seen this side of him.

dramaz · October 2011

I think that he is concerned with how serious your FI is about you because of the fact that he's been married twice before. I know that my parents would raise their eyebrows about that. My FI is divorced and they wanted to know about what the reasons were and the basic ?'s. I'm sorry that he expressed that by saying such hurtful, racist things, but PPs are right that it is heresay that you never should have been told and not much good will come by raising the issue with him. It's asking for drama, especially if your sister embellished what he said or how he said it.

graysquirrel · October 2011

I think that it would be good to give your dad some time and to make opportunities for him to spend more time with your FI. My father was NOT happy about my choice of husband at first, either. He said some very hurtful things and our relationship was strained for a while. It took both of my parents about a year, but they came around and are now supportive of our relationship and care about my husband very much. I understand how much it hurts, but your dad probably wants to protect you like mine did. Not knowing the man his little girl is marrying and finding out that it is the guy's 3rd marriage probably scares him. Make sure he has a chance to see the qualities that you see in your FI.

tanyanubin · October 2011

It may just have been an intentionally outrageous joke, if your dad has never really spoken that way before. He might be totally appalled if he knew that your sister told you about it. Totally tasteless, yes. Inappropriate, of course. Hopefully, not what he truly feels?

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