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Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal?
in Chit Chat
My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now. Our wedding is in May of next year.. I love my FI more then anything in this world and I cant imagine my life without him, but alot of people are making me feel like we are rushing into mariage. We have been together for 2 years, and I knew from the day he first told me he loved me that I would spend my life with him.. I am very confused. I dont want to rush into it and have it fall apart because we are to young. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
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Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal?
My Bio
Some of my friends got married right after college at that age. I had a tremendous "Wtf? reaction to it. I had just graduated from college, got a job in a new city and was ready to live it up. Others of my friends were done with the scene after college and were ready to settled down.
No one is right or wrong. There isn't a herd mentality anymore at that age. You are free to do exactly what it is that you want to do. Everyone will have an opinion from here on out about what to do in life. You can listen to them, you can offer your advice back to them about their choices, but in the end, you do what makes you happy and they will do the same. If marriage is what you want, go for it!
It could be jealousy on their part or maybe even just fear of losing you - or the "you" they are used to having around...change can be scary and some people just don't know how to deal with it.
I can say that personnally, at 22 I was not at all in any way, shape or form ready for mariage, but everyone is different. At 22, I was also not dating my fiancé and had I been, things might have happened for me then.
I can say though, that I don't believe that the amount of time you've been dating someone can necessarily dictate whether or not you're ready for mariage. It's all very personal and everyone is different.
Only YOU know if you're ready or not.
Don't let your friends put a damper on one of the biggest steps in your life, especially if you feel it's right. If you're that close to them and if their opinions truly matter to you, I would suggest sitting down with them and having a serious talk. I would tell them how I feel about their reactions and also how I feel about my fiancé and the fact that you're getting married soon! It's such an exciting time in your life and they should be celebrating with you!
June 2012 Bride!
[QUOTE]It could be jealousy on their part or maybe even just fear of losing you
Posted by Liane28[/QUOTE]
I agree with the fear of losing you... I hate HATE HATE HATE the idea that it's jealousy. I wasn't one iota jealous of my friends who were getting married - I was wondering if they were hit in the head.
I don't know why everyone jumps to that conclusion when someone starts acting weird about marriage. I just think it's a juvenile assumption.
[QUOTE]My parents and siblings and his fam are overjoyed about us getting married. My friends however are having a hard time with it. <strong>I have always been the single friend that loved going out and having a good time, now I am home most of the time and dont care to go out.</strong> I am setteling down, like every woman does. I am thinking of the future with my future husband. I think the people that are saying stuff are just upset that I dont want to party anymore but idk. My cousin told me the other night that I should postpone the wedding for another year or so. Why? I just dont understand why all these people that have been by my side the longest have to tear me down. Its really starting to get to me..
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]
I may be way off base here because I don't know you or your friends, so feel free to disregard this, but could they be worried that you're trying to be someone you're not? There is a point in every young person's life when they decide to stop "living it up" and settle down. It's a natural part of growing up and getting older. But if it seems to your friends that you're only "acting" this way, trying to play the part of a future wife when in your heart you want to be out partying with them, they might react badly to you being engaged. They may worry that you changed too quickly and it's not something you're truly ready for. Your family, on the other hand, is probably a-okay with you settling down.
FWIW, my sister was a huge partier through her teens, but by 22 was "settled down." Now at 25, she owns a home and has a husband and two sons. So I'm not saying you're too young for marriage or that you should listen to your friends, because it's <em>not</em> outrageous to think of a 22 year old being ready for marriage and settling down, even one who previously loved to party. I'm just speculating that your friends may be coming from a place of being worried about you "losing yourself."
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I agree with the fear of losing you... I hate HATE HATE HATE the idea that it's jealousy. I wasn't one iota jealous of my friends who were getting married - I was wondering if they were hit in the head. I don't know why everyone jumps to that conclusion when someone starts acting weird about marriage. I just think it's a juvenile assumption.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
As much as jealousy sucks, it is a reality.
I don't think it's a juvenile assumption to say that they might be jealous. They very well might be!
...sorry to break it to you, but just because you were not jealous of your friends who got married (I've never been jealous of any of my friends getting married either - it's not my style) that doesn't mean that others out there don't ever get jealous.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I may be way off base here because I don't know you or your friends, so feel free to disregard this, but could they be worried that you're trying to be someone you're not? There is a point in every young person's life when they decide to stop "living it up" and settle down. It's a natural part of growing up and getting older. But if it seems to your friends that you're only "acting" this way, trying to play the part of a future wife when in your heart you want to be out partying with them, they might react badly to you being engaged. They may worry that you changed too quickly and it's not something you're truly ready for. Your family, on the other hand, is probably a-okay with you settling down. FWIW, my sister was a huge partier through her teens, but by 22 was "settled down." Now at 25, she owns a home and has a husband and two sons. So I'm not saying you're too young for marriage or that you should listen to your friends, because it's not outrageous to think of a 22 year old being ready for marriage and settling down, even one who previously loved to party. I'm just speculating that your friends may be coming from a place of being worried about you "losing yourself."
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]
I am by no means losing myself. I have grown past that stage and feel no need to go out and get drunk all the time. I have grown up alot in a short amount of time and my friends just dont understand why. I would rather stay home and watch movies with my FI then go to the bars. It is a normal part of growing up, it just happened pretty quick for me.
RSVP Deadline: 4/6/13
4/26/13 March Siggy Challenge: Bridesmaid Dresses
FWIW, when the first friend in my group got married, we too had the adjustment period. She was a crazy girl for most of her life until she met her now-husband. Thats when she settled down. The rest of our group have been following suit. I just think its always hardest on the first person to settle down. You can't call them on a whim and see if they want to go on a weekend road trip anymore or go out clubbing for the evening, with 10 minutes notice. We always joke will Sally (name changed) that is the Sally then could see the Sally now, she would have a panic attack!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I am by no means losing myself. I have grown past that stage and feel no need to go out and get drunk all the time. I have grown up <strong>a lot</strong> in a short amount of time and my friends just dont understand why. I would rather stay home and watch movies with my FI then go to the bars. It is a normal part of growing up, it just happened pretty quick for me.
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]
I hope you don't think I was being accusatory towards you or your FI. OliveOilsMom said it better than I did--your friends are just being hard on you because they can't conceive of a reason why you would want to be a homebody when you could be out partying. They will all reach that stage on their own, but since you're the first, they're not understanding of it, which may make them feel like you're not being "you." That's all I meant; I hope I didn't offend you.
Bolded: Sorry, I had to fix it. #1 pet peeve. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I hope you don't think I was being accusatory towards you or your FI. OliveOilsMom said it better than I did--your friends are just being hard on you because they can't conceive of a reason why you would want to be a homebody when you could be out partying. They will all reach that stage on their own, but since you're the first, they're not understanding of it, which may make them feel like you're not being "you." That's all I meant; I hope I didn't offend you. Bolded: Sorry, I had to fix it. #1 pet peeve.
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]
You didnt offend me at all love. Im not one to start drama over message boards ;)
[QUOTE]22 is young to get married for a woman. I know many people who don't get married until they are 30. but these people also have careers going on and the question is what are you focused on in life? are you aspiring to a career or to be a stay at home mom? <strong>Also, it helps to know if you've had relationships before</strong>, if this is your first or only your second relationship then you may be too young. Being young in my opinion is about enjoying freedom, traveling, and experiencing life to the fullest-if that's not you and you prefer staying local, raising a big family-sure then getting married at 22 is not too young. but, your instincts will tell you what your priorities are in life.
Posted by burgfraulein[/QUOTE]
I have been in many relationships. All ended badly. I know how a man should treat a woman and my FI treats me better then any of my Ex's.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : As much as jealousy sucks, it is a reality. I don't think it's a juvenile assumption to say that they might be jealous. They very well might be! ...sorry to break it to you, but just because you were not jealous of your friends who got married (I've never been jealous of any of my friends getting married either - it's not my style) that doesn't mean that others out there don't ever get jealous.
Posted by Liane28[/QUOTE
I'm well aware that jealous exists, but's not the ONLY reason and it's not even a COMMON reason why people might be weirded out by a wedding. To think that your friends aren't more supportive because they want your life, your husband, your wedding dress, your everything is juvenile. Sorry!
[QUOTE]22 is young to get married for a woman. I know many people who don't get married until they are 30. but these people also have careers going on and the question is what are you focused on in life? are you aspiring to a career or to be a stay at home mom? Also, it helps to know if you've had relationships before, if this is your first or only your second relationship then you may be too young. Being young in my opinion is about enjoying freedom, traveling, and experiencing life to the fullest-if that's not you and you prefer staying local, raising a big family-sure then getting married at 22 is not too young. but, your instincts will tell you what your priorities are in life.
Posted by burgfraulein[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>As someone who intends to never have children and got married at 22, this seems totally off base to me. Getting married at 22 doesn't mean you're deciding to never have a career. </div><div>
</div><div>I enjoy freedom, travel and experience life to the fullest- with my husband.
</div>
June 2012 Bride!
Is it 1950 where you are? Who says you can't have a career and a husband? Hell, AND kids?? My FI is the only relationship I ever had, and the only one i needed. I'm not gonna pass up the best man I could ever be with just to experience multiple relationships and "get experience" or something.
RSVP Deadline: 4/6/13
4/26/13 March Siggy Challenge: Bridesmaid Dresses
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I am by no means losing myself. I have grown past that stage and feel no need to go out and get drunk all the time. I have grown up alot in a short amount of time and my friends just dont understand why. I would rather stay home and watch movies with my FI then go to the bars. It is a normal part of growing up, it just happened pretty quick for me.
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]
Maybe invite them over for a quiet get together at your place or out to drinks and apps at a local restaurant (not bar)? it will show that you still want to do fun things with them, even if your definition of fun is different than theirs. Don't let them talk you out of what you truly want, but they may be saying that because they feel left out a little bit.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : As much as jealousy sucks, it is a reality. I don't think it's a juvenile assumption to say that they might be jealous. They very well might be! ...sorry to break it to you, but just because you were not jealous of your friends who got married (I've never been jealous of any of my friends getting married either - it's not my style) that doesn't mean that others out there don't ever get jealous. Posted by Liane28[/QUOTE I'm well aware that jealous exists, but's not the ONLY reason and it's not even a COMMON reason why people might be weirded out by a wedding. To think that your friends aren't more supportive because they want your life, your husband, your wedding dress, your everything is juvenile. Sorry!
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry that you misread my post! :) I never said that was the only reason, nor did I ever ASSUME anything. I was offering kind advice and I only said that it could be a reason, which in fact, it could be.</div><div>
</div>
The friends don't necessarily have to want the bride's LIFE. They could want the bride's time, or attention (and they seem to). This might be juvenile of them but I think it happens with many groups of young girlfriends. They might be jealous of the husband-to-be, because he is taking up the bride's time, which used to be spent on them. (This may not be the only reason--I'm just trying to offer a different way of seeing it.)
I went through this when I first starting getting serious with my now-fi. They will get over it. Try to keep making time in your life for them like sydaries says. They'll settle down eventually.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting cold feet 9 months before... Normal? : I have been in many relationships. All ended badly. I know how a man should treat a woman and my FI treats me better then any of my Ex's.
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]
I think this quote above is a key factor in what's going on. I have a friend who married at 21 and 12 years and 3 kids later she is still happily married. She had also had many relationships throughout her teens and into her early twenties. So her point of reference and level of experience was a stark contrast to mine. I felt like I was losing her a bit. But I was still happy for her and was a BM as well as got a flower girl for her. I was a late bloomer who didn't have a serious relationship until my mid twenties. I am now in my early thirties and for me everything has been timed perfectly. But that's me. My timeline might have been different if I had boyfriends and a better sense of what I wanted at an earlier age. Basically you've been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. For your friends who haven't reached the same milestones as you at the same time they simply can't relate. You don't have to apologize or convince anyone that you're doing the right thing. If you and your FI are on the same page that's all that matters. And to be honest, the rest of it is no one else's darn business. Be confident. And whatever decisions you make, don't feel obligated to discuss or debate them with anyone. Sometimes it's good to just change the subject with some people so they accept that you're not going to change your mind or theirs, nor should you have to. And going over and over the same thing is unnecessary since you don't need anyone's permission. If they are your friends they'll respect that, move on and be happy for you whether they understand or not.
[QUOTE]22 is young to get married for a woman. I know many people who don't get married until they are 30. but these people also have careers going on and the question is what are you focused on in life? are you aspiring to a career or to be a stay at home mom? Also, it helps to know if you've had relationships before, if this is your first or only your second relationship then you may be too young. Being young <strong>in my opinion is about enjoying freedom, traveling, and experiencing life to the fullest-if that's not you and you prefer staying local, raising a big family-sure then getting married at 22 is not too young</strong>. but, your instincts will tell you what your priorities are in life.
Posted by burgfraulein[/QUOTE]
This is the most ridiculous generalization I have ever heard. Not every young bride wants a bunch of kids and not every older bride is super career driven. I'm 28 and getting married next year, my fiancee is 35 - we're both doctors and don't want kids for the next few years. On the other hand, two friends of mine got married in college when they were 21 after dating since they were 16. They're both now 29, both successful lawyers, and have no kids.
Whether or not you want kids, want a career, want both or want neither - you just need to decide if this man is who you want to share the rest of your life with - regardless of what you spend it doing. If that's what you want - and it sounds like it is - then don't let the naysayers get to you.
So, a lot of what I would have said has already been said. I was done partying before I was 21 and very much a home body. I am about to turn 24 and will get married in January. My FI is not from America but has been here a couple years attending college. I get a lot of "are you sure?" because of it.
Here's the thing. I am sure. You should never let other people's doubts cloud your decisions. When it all comes down to it, the relationship you have with that person is totally private from others. The real heart to heart moments in a relationship are shared in private and are not something your friends could know, because it's you and your FI. So, if it's right in your heart, without outside feedback, then it's right.
Someone above also gave an example of being from NY and they don't typically get married till late 20s or early 30s. I'm in Utah. Here, lots of people get married out of high school or early 20s. There is some cultural norms that play a part depending on where you live. Being "too young" shouldn't be about age, but about maturity. You sound mature for your age.