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FI's Morbid Idea

My FI's father passed away suddenly on October 30, 2002.

My mom passed away this past January after a long illness.

We're working on subtle ways to commemorate our parents at our wedding. I'm putting a picture of Mama in my bouquet; he's putting a picture of his dad in his chest pocket. They'll be mentioned in the prayers. Pretty standard stuff. BUT he want to take it a step further: he want to have pictures taken at the cemetaries where each of our parents were buried.

Um....yeah. No.

I have no problem taking a moment during the wedding week to visit our respective parents and having a private moment to "talk" to them, but he kinda wants us to get all dressed and march right on up to the grave with a photographer.

He was really emotional when he said it (as the anniversary of his dad's passing is coming up) so I said okay, but I immediately regretted it. I'm more than willing to compromise, even though I'm not sure how, but I'd be horrified to be standing on my mother's grave in my gown. I don't even think she'd approve! LOL
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Re: FI's Morbid Idea

  • edited December 2011
    I'd personally be too emotional to go through with that on my wedding day. I like your idea of visiitng them both the week of the wedding to have a little chat/prayer with them. I've also seen brides and grooms do memory candles during the ceremony or reception to honor loved ones passed. You could also have a prayer said in honor of them at the church. You could save 2 flowers from your bouquet and take them to the grave after the wedding. This is a very emotional situation but I'm sure if you talk it over with your FI he will understand.
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  • kimp67kimp67 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_photos-video_fis-morbid-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:30Discussion:96c00353-345c-447c-b60b-c602739a7959Post:27f3bdd3-727d-4037-b67f-5ecb84c09cae">Re: FI's Morbid Idea</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd personally be too emotional to go through with that on my wedding day. I like your idea of visiitng them both the week of the wedding to have a little chat/prayer with them. I've also seen brides and grooms do memory candles during the ceremony or reception to honor loved ones passed. You could also have a prayer said in honor of them at the church. You could save 2 flowers from your bouquet and take them to the grave after the wedding. This is a very emotional situation but I'm sure if you talk it over with your FI he will understand.
    Posted by ~mRm~[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, what she said.
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh boy.
    I tend to know a lot about bizarre cemetery  and death rituals, and the only rule is that everyone grieves differently. Everybody has their own relationship with the process as a whole, and you can get what seem like really bizarre wishes.(I, for example, have a series of photos of my grandparents, still alive then,  standing in front of their own headstone - my mother's request.)

    Personally, I'd ask for more information from him. Is your FI thinking of photojournalistic shots of the private moment, whether days before, on the wedding day, or on the day after? Or is he thinking a more formal, posed, standing behind the stone kind of thing? Because in my books there is a vast difference between the two. In the former, explaining to the photographer that you simply want them to come along and be a silent witness, could produce some really evocative, wonderful photos. Preferably have them shoot from a distance, with a longer lens, in order to minimize intrusion. The latter, a more formal, you-in-your-dress-him-in-his-tux would probably seem, to an outsider, to be that much creepier.

    Don't hesitate to PM if you want links to photos that might be less creepy and more meaningful.
  • edited December 2011
    No way. The day is about you and your groom, not about the people who have passed away. You can respect them by having nice photos of them in frames in an area where everyone will see them, but having photos taken at the cemetery is really creepy and not a all appropriate for a wedding. 
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    This definitely sounds like a morbid idea to me.  I get that losing parents is very difficult and you wish that they could be there to celebrate with you, but really, the proper way to do this is to have a small memorium during your ceremony.  Remember, regardless, it's still a happy day and in general, going to cemetaries can really bring you down.  I don't think this is something that either of you need to deal with on your wedding day.

    I would try to express your concerns with your FI and let him know why you think that just a simple keepsake and prayer is sufficient.  I'd also suggest to him maybe going to each parent's gravesite together the week before (or after) as a compromise. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I think it is important to be sensitive to FI and how he is dealing with the loss of his father, and the gaping hole of his absense at this very important time in his life. I like mRm's comments about incorporating them in other ways, and since he seems to have placed an importance on the actual graves i like the idea of taking flowers from your boquet to the graves, or even have two extra small boquets made and take them there the day before, or if it is an evening wedding do it together first thing in the morning if your schedule allows.

    My advice is to figure what exactly about it bothers you, is it your wedding dress in the cemetary? is it kissing in a cemetary? Is it going there on your wedding day? Figure that out and come up with one or two suggestions and talk to FI about it. You are going to spend the rest of your life with him don't be afraid to discuss it with him, just be sensitive and come with solutions
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  • hhgg1225hhgg1225 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
     I lost my dad in june unexpectedly. I am planning on visiting my dad's grave the day before my wedding. I am having a small bouquet made that looks like mine. this way my dad has a part of my wedding. I would not be able to take pictures at his grave. I cry just thinking about going there. I would talk to your FI and explain to him that at first you were ok with the idea but now you don't think you can go through with it. I would imangine the wedding is going to be hard enough on the 2 of you with not having your parents there and I think it will just bring a lot of extra emotional stress that is not needed.
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