Wedding Woes

flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)

DH calls his mom and reiterates what he said the other day about just wanting me to be happy and that all of her work is appreciated, then tells her that she needs to talk to him like an adult if she has an issue with him – not to go whining to his sisters about it. At this point MIL tells him that pirate is not an appropriate theme for a baby shower (apparently “tooth fairy” is???) and more or less says that she won’t make the cake because she doesn’t want to. He told her that she needs to be up front about that then; because this is the first time she has said that in the last 2+ years.  He offers (at my suggestion) a compromise – since I don’t like cake, how about using a specific stand that she has, and making or buying 3 different flavors of cheesecake.  He tells her several times that he thinks this would be better than a doll cake. (He knows that I will be posting pictures on here post shower for everyone to laugh at…) MIL is still stuck on the doll cake. At this point, I’m waving for him to give me the phone, so he tells her he is going to put me on and is mouthing “be nice.”

 

I tell MIL the same thing DH has been saying, while I realize that this is her party to host and she can do whatever she wants, I would appreciate if she was up front with me. I know that she doesn’t want to do the pirate cake, but rather than going through the effort of a “trial run” that she needs to be honest and just tell me that she has no intention of making what I asked for. I said that this was fine, but I needed her to tell me so (she never did, she was hemming and hawing about the “trial run”…) I asked her to please not go to the trouble of making a fairy cake either (since I don’t even like cake) and offered to go out an buy enough cheesecakes to feed the guests. I said that I would rather buy a dessert that I like than her to have to go to any more trouble to make a cake that I wasn’t even going to eat. I got a “maybe” from her at this point. I thanked her for listening and gave DH the phone back. (she then complained to him about me being “high strung” and he told her that once again, I was stressed out and I didn’t need any added drama from them about this shower.)

 

When DH hung up he told me that he was going to figure out a way to get me a pirate cake for the shower – and he didn’t care how much it pissed off his mom. I’m curious to see what happens at this point. All I can say is that if she makes a fairy doll cake, there will be pics the following Monday, and I will be asking the waiter for a dessert menu. 

Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)

  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I don't think any of this drama is about pirates, or tooth fairies, or even a shower.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    edited December 2011

    a pirate baby shower cake?  this is the hill you want to die on?

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  • ~~Busy.~~~~Busy.~~ member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I think you are both crazy, and you both need to STFU. 

  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yea... you're both being a little stubborn. I think I'd give her this, if it were me, and this were only about the theme of a party.
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Sounds like you could use a drink. Damn.  :(
    image
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    which is why I said flameworthy.... i know it's ridiculous. 

    I'm seriously on edge with everything else (i.e. we finished our repairs to sell the house, we're closing in 3 weeks, and our water supply line just broke - a fix that will be several thousand $ that we'll never see again) and this stupid shower drama just put me over the edge. 
     
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:f5d5957b-84a6-4c4c-b012-0a10a2713b66">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think any of this drama is about pirates, or tooth fairies, or even a shower.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
    I was going to post this.  Based on my own experiences with ILs, this sounds like it's about control, not cake--on both sides. 

    I do think it's gracious for the host to take the guest of honor's preferences into account when throwing her a party, and I'm sorry that didn't happen here.  Now it sounds like this whole thing is getting out of hand. 
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Barbie, maybe it's just the stress of everything and you're channeling all your anger/frustration/concern/need for control into this shower?
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  • loveshine1loveshine1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:ed7a4500-5725-428b-b22d-cd2b0a64fe06">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion) : I was going to post this.  Based on my own experiences with ILs, this sounds like it's about control, not cake--on both sides.  I do think it's gracious for the host to take the guest of honor's preferences into account when throwing her a party, and I'm sorry that didn't happen here.  Now it sounds like this whole thing is getting out of hand. 
    Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

    This, exactly.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think it's all outside influences, though.  You're pissed at MIL about something.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]which is why I said flameworthy.... i know it's ridiculous.  I'm seriously on edge with everything else (i.e. we finished our repairs to sell the house, we're closing in 3 weeks, and our water supply line just broke - a fix that will be several thousand $ that we'll never see again) and this stupid shower drama just put me over the edge.   
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    so perhaps the shower could either be
    1) postponed while you sort other things out or
    2) seen as a welcome respite from all the other things going on.

    either way -- treating mil as a vendor rather than as a gracious host and lording her grandchild over her as a threat to have the party you want is hardly going to make things easier over the next few weeks (or decades, depending on how mil is taking this).
    image
  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    there is a whole lot of beebeeness on all sides here.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:ed513a3b-addd-4223-b8f1-f07e3e9f45d2">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Barbie, maybe it's just the stress of everything and you're channeling all your anger/frustration/concern/need for control into this shower?
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, after reading one of Barbie's follow-up posts, I was going to add that I totally get this.  When I'm stressed out about things, I definitely clamp down and get more controlling, because it feels like other things are uncomfortably beyond my control.  Moving, a new baby, home repairs--very stressful stuff.  As much as it sucks not to have your shower your way, try to let it go for the good of Wolverine.  It's just one afternoon, and so not worth adding to your already full plate of things to worry about.

    FWIW, I think "tooth fairy" is a silly theme, especially since babies don't have teeth.  I mean, a tooth fairy pillow?  Sure, that will come in handy--in about 5 or 6 years.  And I emphatically share your opinion on doll cakes.
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You should insist The Rock be there.

    But since I couldn't find a picture of him shirtless and with tooth fairy wings I am putting this up instead.

    http://bittenandbound.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/rock_28.jpg
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Kuus/Heffa - you guys are right in a sense. 

    I feel like MIL is more than willing to cater to her kids and SonILs likes - but she doesn't really give a damn about what I like. (ex: one SonIL doesn't eat red meat, the other SonIL is a vegetarian, one SIL doesn't like mushrooms, i don't eat seafood - she ALWAYS accommodate them in terms of food (make an alternate main course), yet despite knowing me for 6 years, she will make fish with no alternative,  invite us for dinner, and act all surprised/upset when I turn down the fish and just eat the sides.)

    i don't get if this is some sort of passive-aggressive way of dealing with me marrying her baby and moving him across the country or what... I've never asked for special treatment (or really anything for that matter....) and I've always been nice to MIL (take her on shopping trips, share crochet patterns, invite ILs for dinner, etc.).

    I'm over the whole cake/shower thing at this point. If she mentions it to me from now on, I'm just going to say something like "that's nice" or "thank you" and leave the room or get off the phone 
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:b7595357-cf9b-4401-a154-b720395432ad">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]so perhaps the shower could either be 1) postponed while you sort other things out or 2) seen as a welcome respite from all the other things going on. either way -- treating mil as a vendor rather than as a gracious host and <strong>lording her grandchild over her as a threat to have the party you want is hardly going to make things easier over the next few weeks (or decades, depending on how mil is taking this).</strong>
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    <div>1) it can't - it's post move. i already booked my flight to come up for it. i should be fine the day of, and am looking forward to getting to see my family and friends that will be in town for the party. </div><div>
    </div><div><div>re grandkids - not the case at all. I'm not sure where this came across, but i'm sorry that this is the impression you got. She can spend as much time with her grandkid as she wants when she is able to make the trip to TX or we can make the trip to Philly. i know she's already planning to come down and help out once the baby is born. she'll drive me a bit nuts, but i appreciate the gesture/help. </div></div>
  • ~~Busy.~~~~Busy.~~ member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Barbie, let it go.
  • mysticlmysticl member
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    edited December 2011
    Is this her only son?  That could explain tons. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:b1ab4298-3c53-4c05-887b-a08316ef8b02">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion) : Yeah, after reading one of Barbie's follow-up posts, I was going to add that I totally get this.  When I'm stressed out about things, I definitely clamp down and get more controlling, because it feels like other things are uncomfortably beyond my control.  Moving, a new baby, home repairs--very stressful stuff.  As much as it sucks not to have your shower your way, try to let it go for the good of Wolverine.  It's just one afternoon, and so not worth adding to your already full plate of things to worry about.<strong> FWIW, I think "tooth fairy" is a silly theme, especially since babies don't have teeth.  I mean, a tooth fairy pillow?  </strong>Sure, that will come in handy--in about 5 or 6 years.  And I emphatically share your opinion on doll cakes.
    Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's exactly what I thought - babies don't have teeth, so how is this a "baby" theme? There are maybe 2 people invited that have kids that are tooth-fairy aged. I didn't get it. I don't see an issue with just having a nice lunch, no theme at all. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_flameworthy-drama-part-3-conclusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8e582bdc-d3a8-462d-a482-a42d86fab046Post:f5d5957b-84a6-4c4c-b012-0a10a2713b66">Re: flameworthy drama (part 3 - conclusion)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think any of this drama is about pirates, or tooth fairies, or even a shower.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]


    yup.

    and for the record: she's hosting, she decides the "theme." yes it would be nice if she took your taste into consideration, since you are the guest of honor.  but that's obviously not happening.  move on.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Step away from the cake and the shower.  I agree with what everyone has said and so do you.  It's silly all around. 
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    edited December 2011
    <p>[QUOTE]I'm not a total moron, and I can tell that MIL doesn't *love* the idea, but you think that she'd just go with it because <strong>I'm carrying the guest of honor and (imo) it's a reasonable request.</strong> [/QUOTE]</p>
    <p>this is where i got that impression.  she doesn't feel it's a reasonable or appropriate request, which is why she is not honoring it, or only doing some things that you specifically request and point out to here, and doing it begrudgingly.  buying separate centerpiece fabric (even if it's no additional work) and saying she is making a trial cake -- she does not feel those are reasonable or appropriate, which is why you, dear ken and sil had to kind of force them on her.</p><p>
    btw, this is ask. vs. guess.  i know i use that a lot, but all the things mil has done -- the centerpieces, the favors, the cake -- are all her way of signalling to you that she is having a different shower than the one you planned for her to have. 

    you are also using a little bit of guess to signal to her that the one thing you do get to control -- a party being held specifically for you, rather than a family dinner held for everyone -- is being done specifically in the way you want: choosing different fabric, offering to order and pay for a dessert that you like, etc.</p>
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Okay, I see where you're coming from with the further explanation of how this is kind of the last straw with her being a thoughtful person in general but not toward you.  You suspect that she's "forgetting" your preferences as a passive-aggressive attack in general, right?
    image
  • edited December 2011

    I feel you on the passive aggressive MIL. I bet she’s really good at backhanded compliments. I’m sure it’s hard to surrender when it seems like she’s trying to make it clear that you are not an esteemed member of the family, but she IS throwing the party (and tooth fairy? If it were a girl she could have made it menstruation themed, and it would have been just as relevant. And doll cakes are ridiculous.) Deal with her Kookery, enlist a few buddies to stay close and laugh at the décor with you, and send her an inappropriately themed thank you card after.

     

    The way your H delt with her was great, you’ve got a keeper

  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Honestly I'd find this less flameworthy if you had just come out and said I want a pirate cake and nothing else. All this "Well appreciate anything you do for us, but..." is passive-aggressive nonsense. You've been clear about what you want for two years, and now you're giving her just enough leeway to do what she wants and piss you off in the process.
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