Are we overreacting?

sabatron · April 2010

My fiance proposed to me in mid January 2010 and we're set to marry in early October of this year. His older sister is getting married this summer, in July, so we gave her a bit of a buffer so our events didn't overlap and we didn't steal her thunder. His younger sister got engaged about 2 weeks ago and she wants to get married about 3 weeks after us. We think this is cutting it way too close to us, and with all of his siblings getting married, it'll be tough from a financial standpoint. We also worry that many of our shared guests will be unwilling to make expensive travel arrangements twice in the same month. My fiance and I would like to talk to her about it, but is there an uncatty way to approach this? Or are we overreacting?

lizstill13 · April 2010

I don't see a problem with it. Maybe that's just the date that works out for them and his family. Or they really wanted to get married in October and don't want to wait a year and half. The way I see, everyone will come to your wedding because it's first and may not show up to hers. Her loss, not yours.

LoveOfMikesLife · April 2010

make sure your save the dates go out first....like soon! that way ppl will already have it marked in there calendar for yours when they get hers

sabatron · April 2010

I think one of our biggest concerns is that all of the events preceding our weddings will overlap. It also makes thing financially difficult for the parents. We want everyone to be able to relax and not worry about doing all of this twice in the same month. I also want her to be happy and not feel like we stole guests from her, either. Her family wants her to push it back, even just til late November, which would allowfor some recovery time. We just want everything to go smoothly for everyone... but if it's out of line, then we won't approach it.

sophistryliz · April 2010

I don't think it's out of line. You should sit them down and explain your concerns. Let them know that you're keeping them in mind, and that you are sincerely worried that many people won't be able to make it to their wedding because of the short time range.

Katie829 · April 2010

how much are you expecting his parents to give? I love when people complain about the weddings being close, and their reason is because of the money. Perhaps maybe your FI's sister felt the same way you do when you chose your date 3 months later than yours. And is your parents helping for your wedding? They certainly wouldn't be shelling out money for your FFSILs wedding so no financial burden on them to provide for 3 weddings.

Also does your FI have a lot of OOT family. How long would travel be and would they need a hotel room?

luckyme502 · April 2010

Whatever. It doesn't matter if she was getting married three days after you. Suck it up and deal with it!

sabatron · April 2010

There's a considerable amount of out of town relatives (including immediate family) and friends coming to both, which is one of the larger concerns. The financial aspect isn't just a concern for the parents, but for everyone involved in the planning of both weddings. My mother will be paying for our wedding, but the fiance's parents would like to help with everyone's.

Krayssy · April 2010

Another option, although not necessarily a great one, if it really bothers you, you could change your date depending on how much you already have into it. My sister chose a date 3 weekst after daughter's & my daughter was not happy. As it turned out my daughter changed her date & then my sister never even got married. She still has some residual anger & it's been 5 years.

desi2002 · April 2010

I wouldn't get involved either. You get one day. Just b/c you were considerate in choosing your date 3 months after the older sister doesn't mean that the other sister HAS to do the same thing for you. So what if people don't come to her wedding b/c they went to yours, that's her problem. She might figure this out on her own and change the date anyway. Or like a pp stated, maybe that's the only day or a significant day for them. Don't worry about things you can't control. HTH.

kdlopez1631 · April 2010

Do you guys have the type of relationship where you can talk to her? Is the date special to her (ie; their anniversary, ect) How many out of town guests do you have? I dont see the harm in it as long as you are nice about it. Maybe she hasn't realized the problems with guest attendance and such. If she gets irritated, just back off, apologize, and let it be, good luck

SarahPLiz · April 2010

In short, Yes. You are overreacting. If your FSIL inconveniences her potential guests, then they can get mad at her for it, or not come to her wedding. Are you more worried about no one coming to her wedding, or people choosing hers over yours??

Also, you don't get to worry about other people's money. Let them worry about that. If her parents can't help her at that time, then she will need to postpone or forego her parent's financial support. That's a decision for her and her parents to make, not you. She didn't get to choose your date and you don't get to choose hers.

Just based on your use of the phrase "steal her thunder", I think that you actually believe in that ridiculous concept. Each of your FSIL's wedding events and pre-wedding parties are different from yours. Presumable, unless they are marrying one of your relatives, the guest lists will be different as well. If people can't come to more than one, then they won't. But no one is stealing anything from anyone else. That's such an egotistical notion.

IMO, more people will choose 1 out of 3 than will choose 2 out of 3 to attend. And if they have to travel, they are even less likely to choose to attend all 3. However, as the ones holding the purse strings and PTO balances, they get to choose. I don't see how you having 3 months in between is different than her planning with only 3 weeks in between.

suz62984 · April 2010

I'm assuming that the OOT guests are adults and can budget and handle their financial lives reasonsibly. I wouldn't talk to her about it because no matter what you are going to come off as the "You better not be trying to still my thunder" bride. I would just send out Save-the -dates to warn your guests. They can plan from there.

jaimed99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a893134e-53d4-4bcf-aed1-1fef517180e9Post:fad77234-7599-4f89-b473-dbe9151f6084">Re: Are we overreacting?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't talk to her about it because no matter what you are going to come off as the "You better not be trying to <strong>still</strong> my thunder" bride.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

<div>I found this amusing...not because you misspelled it, but because I live in Pittsburgh and we actually say "still" instead of "steal"...because we're weird.</div><div>
</div><div>To OP: Yes, you're overreacting...you get one day. Maybe you and your FI's sister can collaborate or something...</div>

suz62984 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a893134e-53d4-4bcf-aed1-1fef517180e9Post:c202ae4c-1d83-4714-8d1a-1b43ff3a7193">Re: Are we overreacting?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are we overreacting? : I found this amusing...not because you misspelled it, but because I live in Pittsburgh and we actually say "still" instead of "steal"...because we're weird. Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]

Yep...that's what I get for typing to fast :)

sabatron · April 2010

There is no significance about the date she chose, which is why we were confused. We've mentioned something to the family, and we're going to have a talk about it. Thanks for your help everyone!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

The parents can offer what they can afford. My parents, for example, are not donating one red cent to my wedding. I don't think their finances are any of your business.

It might make it hard for people to travel to more than one family event in one month, but thems the breaks. She'll have to deal with that.

krmabojo · April 2010

3 weeks away is fine.
2 weeks is okay.
The week after if no problems.
The day after is kind of iffy.
The day of does not work.

Then agin, since you said some people have to travel, some may pick and choose you cannot make them attend both. Unfortunatly, you vannot ask her to move her wedding date. If traveling really is a huge concern, maybe have her parents talk to her at the least.

efred520 · April 2010

I am in a similar situation. I got engaged in December, my fiance's brother proposed to his gf in March. We have been looking at venues and let the family know we were thinking August 2011. Now they are saying they want July. Both my fiance and I are having a little bit of "Way to steal our thunder!"

Not only is it alot to ask of our guests (money, travel, days off from work, etc), I also feel that our wedding might be a little bit of an afterthought if it's following another family wedding just weeks later. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a little more of a buffer between weddings so each couple gets to enjoy the time leading up to their wedding.

I don't think it's my place to say anything to the couple, as neither of us have actually booked our dates (and the other couple has not even begun to look at venues). But I may need to express some of my frustration if they do decide to book their date just weeks before ours.

Yes, you just get one day. And I'm sure your wedding will be everything you want it to be regardless of this. But I still think you are allowed to feel the way you're feeling.

sabatron · April 2010

Our date is set in stone. We have booked caterers and our venue. At this point, the sister in law has not booked anything, so we aren't asking her to cancel any reservations, etc. She is still tentatively just looking at October, so I don't think it will be much of any issue when we bring it up to her.

amwilli5 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:a893134e-53d4-4bcf-aed1-1fef517180e9Post:c202ae4c-1d83-4714-8d1a-1b43ff3a7193">Re: Are we overreacting?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are we overreacting? : I found this amusing...not because you misspelled it, but because I live in Pittsburgh and we actually say "still" instead of "steal"...because we're weird. To OP: Yes, you're overreacting...you get one day. Maybe you and your FI's sister can collaborate or something...
Posted by jaimed99[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Haha jaimed99 I'm from Pittsburgh too and thought the same thing. </div><div>
</div><div> I could see talking to her if hers was the day of or day before or after your wedding, as some guests would have to choose one event to attend and forego the other. But 3 weeks is her choice and you shouldn't worry about the money.</div><div>
</div>

DKC1308 · April 2010

I can TOTALLY see how you could be upset over her date. My cousin sent out save the dates for her "wedding" and it just so happened to be the same day as mine. Thank goodness it was only a flash bomb. =] Good news about less guests... less zeros on the final bill!!

Snark Snark time...

Wow... you are seriously going to ask them to change their date?? Deposits or not you have no right to get involved with their wedding plans. This really comes across as your only concern is how it may effect your wedding and events prior. If you are worried about funds... BE THANKFUL for ANY money given to you. Large or small amounts. And if you get none... welcome to the very large club of "We are PAYING FOR IT OURSELVES"

How would you truly feel if his older sister approached you and said "You are stealing my thunder by having your wedding so close to mine. Let's change that."?

Really consider her feeling before you approach this.

Good luck!!

Blueyed228 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a893134e-53d4-4bcf-aed1-1fef517180e9Post:542091a4-5c54-4446-b893-8318a9d2510a">Are we overreacting?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance proposed to me in mid January 2010 and we're set to marry in early October of this year. His older sister is getting married this summer, in July, so we gave her a bit of a buffer so our events didn't overlap and <u><strong>we didn't steal her thunder</strong></u>. His younger sister got engaged about 2 weeks ago and she wants to get married about 3 weeks after us. We think this is cutting it way too close to us, and with all of his siblings getting married, it'll be tough from a financial standpoint. We also worry that many of our shared guests will be unwilling to make expensive travel arrangements twice in the same month. My fiance and I would like to talk to her about it, but is there an uncatty way to approach this? Or are we overreacting?
Posted by sabatron[/QUOTE]

I would like to quote SarahPLiz from a previous post and let you know that "She is not Thor, she has no thunder"

aprovencher21 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:a893134e-53d4-4bcf-aed1-1fef517180e9Post:27265506-1a8b-4b1a-9bc3-6264b02b56e1">Re: Are we overreacting?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Are we overreacting? : I would like to quote SarahPLiz from a previous post and let you know that "She is not Thor, she has no thunder"
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTe

Ha ha =) that made my day

eav2c · April 2010

Well, here's an idea...

If you send your STD's and people plan on coming to yours... they might feel obligated to hers... Then it's a win-win for everyone.

Most people will consider that it'd be rude to attend one's wedding and not the other (especailly since it's likely the same people from your FI's side will be invited to you FSIL wedding)... I had a graduation party one day and my brother had an engagement party the next. While my graduation party wasn't on the same scale of a wedding--it did bother me that my brother's engagement party was the following day... (looking back, it was silly I ever got upset)... But, most guests felt obligated to attend both of our parties. So, they did.

I know you said you'll have OOT guests, but how far are they traveling?

I understand why your upset... But, at least your wedding is first. Just make sure your invites are out first

Are we overreacting?

Re: Are we overreacting?

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