Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Mother feels left out

Hey!  My mother feels left out- she carried me around for 9 months and all she gets to do is light a candle. Looking for ideas of ways to include Mom more in the ceremony.  Thanks!

12 days to go!
Ashley & Andrew

Re: Mother feels left out

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:7ddfc8c0-06d1-4519-81ba-21e4dbe3c088">Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey!  My mother feels left out- she carried me around for 9 months and all she gets to do is light a candle. Looking for ideas of ways to include Mom more in the ceremony.  Thanks! 12 days to go!
    Posted by ashliniko[/QUOTE]

    I don't many any of this in a snarky way, I promise.  I don't understand why she needs to be included more.  She gave birth to you, she took care of you, she taught you right from wrong, and she helped prepare you for becoming your FI's wife.  She's been "included" already by making you who you are today, kwim? 
    It's your wedding, not hers so the candle lighting should be enough since it's a symbol of her contribution to your becoming a responsible adult and marriage partner.
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  • And the other point of view -- I completely understand why she'd feel left out and want to be included. Father of the bride typically gets to walk daughter down the aisle and gets a special dance. Mother of the bride typically gets...uh, nothing?

    OP, if you're walking down the aisle with your father, can you include your mother in that as well?
  • I let my mom pick out my dress. I trust her more then anyone and i know that she wouldnt let me look silly. It was toatlly up to her. And i have her walking with me down the aisle. I wanted to include her as much as possible, as she is my mother and thanks to her, im able to be here today. Its not really my day, its my mothers dream day, so its really all about her for me.
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  • If you are 12 days out it is a little late for the advice I would have given: go dress shopping, have her go to the tasting, and involve her in planning. 

    Maybe you can go get mani/pedis together the day before the wedding.  Just a little mom and daughter time? 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:b873b4bf-badc-4471-a780-835234f48d33">Re: Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not understand this at all.  Your mother HAD her day.  This is YOUR wedding day, not hers.  When my husband walks my daughter down the aisle, the last thing in the world I would want to do is to call attention to myself.  I am the hostess, and that should be enough for any mother.  Tell Mom to grow up.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I think its just a matter of opnion. When my daughter is to get married, if im not involved, i would be upset! Shes my little girl, i raised her and made this day possible. I would want to be involved from start to finish! Not calling attention to myself, but i would want to help choose dress, menu, location, all that.
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  • Give her a rose at the ceremony? Honestly, I have no idea since I don't see why she has to be included other than the wedding plans of choosing things (but since you're 12 days away, that's a little too late for that)

    PP had a good suggestion of mani/pedi/spa day?

    Or a hand written personal letter from you thanking her for raising you to become who you are today...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:b873b4bf-badc-4471-a780-835234f48d33">Re: Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not understand this at all.  Your mother HAD her day.  This is YOUR wedding day, not hers.  When my husband walks my daughter down the aisle, the last thing in the world I would want to do is to call attention to myself.  I am the hostess, and that should be enough for any mother.  Tell Mom to grow up.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Some of us feel it's important to honor our mothers and fathers on our wedding day. And maybe it would mean nothing to do you, but I can tell you that my ex-MIL thanked me repeatedly for going out of my way to be sure to include her in the ceremony and celebrations. Her exact words were, "I've had three weddings for my children already, but this is the first time I've ever really felt like I was a part of it--except for writing a check. Thank you  so much."

    I find it sad how you repeatedly tell people not to include thier parents in the ceremony or the groom's parents in an invitation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:b873b4bf-badc-4471-a780-835234f48d33">Re: Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not understand this at all.  Your mother HAD her day.  This is YOUR wedding day, not hers.  When my husband walks my daughter down the aisle, the last thing in the world I would want to do is to call attention to myself.  I am the hostess, and that should be enough for any mother.  Tell Mom to grow up.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
    Maybe her mother didn't get to be as involved in planning OP's wedding as she would have liked. You're obviously very involved in planning Amazon's wedding and maybe OP's mother wanted to be more involved and wasn't able to for whatever reason.

    That said, OP, if your dad is walking you down the aisle, you can have your mom walk you down as well if you'd be comfortable with that.If the officiant asks who "gives the bride . . " both your parents could respond. You could also let your mom do a toast at the reception if she'd like that. You can also do something special with your mom in the days leading up to the wedding or the morning of the wedding.
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  • Yes, that's a weird post, but the point I was trying to make is that her mother may just feel left out and want to feel more involved. Her mother may also be jealous of the attention that's put on the FOB at the wedding and it's a legitimate feeling to have. Different people have different expectations and some parents would like more explicit recognition. Just because you don't want that recognition and don't think a groom's parents should want that recognition, doesn't make it illegitimate for other people to want it.

    I'm 1200 miles from my mom and the only time I've seen her for more than a couple hours in the past year is when she flew out for my graduation and I spent most of her visit revising my dissertation to meet the submission deadline. She hasn't been really involved in any of the planning because she doesn't care about weddings, but if she wanted to be more involved or wanted more recognition, I'd give it to her. FI's mother has wanted to be more involved in planning (1400 miles from FI and 2200 miles from me) and I've been happy to include her even though it's not traditional for her to do much of anything for the wedding.

    Etiquette is about making other people feel comfortable, so your son shouldn't include you on the invitation because you wouldn't feel comfortable about it, but other parents may want to be included even if they aren't hosting and so the polite thing to do is include them.
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:7ddfc8c0-06d1-4519-81ba-21e4dbe3c088">Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey!  My mother feels left out- she carried me around for 9 months and all she gets to do is light a candle. Looking for ideas of ways to include Mom more in the ceremony.  Thanks! 12 days to go!
    Posted by ashliniko[/QUOTE]

    Has your mother actually told you she feels left out?  What does <u>she</u> want you to do to change how <u>she</u> feels, especially with less than 2 weeks to go?  You're in a tough spot.  Good luck!
  • I have seen weddings where both the mother and the father walk the bride down the ailse. If you have a bother (not already in the bridal party), he could walk with your mom before the bridesmaids. If she is not interested in walking down the aisle, she could stand when the officiant asks who gives the bride away.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_mother-feels-left-out-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cc2212c0-c898-42ac-9792-29a29c76045aPost:b873b4bf-badc-4471-a780-835234f48d33">Re: Mother feels left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not understand this at all.  Your mother HAD her day.  This is YOUR wedding day, not hers.  When my husband walks my daughter down the aisle, the last thing in the world I would want to do is to call attention to myself.  I am the hostess, and that should be enough for any mother.  Tell Mom to grow up.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>I'm not a mother or anything, but I disagree with this. I don't see it as a MOH wanting to hog attention. It's more of wanting to be a part of this special day in her daughter's life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. </div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I like the idea that PP had about maybe having your mother also walk you down the aisle partway. 

    </div>
  • My mom called my wedding her wedding she never had. However she did
    EVERYTHING possiable with me... as far as the day of....

    She walked down and lighted the candle..
    Then at the end of the isle i had two roses hidden behind my bouquet and i gave one to H mom and hugged her then my mom and hugged her before i went to meet shane....
     But other than that her roll was to help intertaim guest and to get people dancing!
    that made her happy!!

    Some give them corsgages if your mom is into that...
    Like pps said walking you as well...
    you could give a speach to her at the reception...
    you could buy her a gift and write a thank you...
    Get your hair done together that morning...

    I hope this helps... GL
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  • naomikbnaomikb member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    My mom lives close so she has come dress shopping, etc. with me and been a sounding board when I needed it.

    For the actual wedding day, she will get to relax and not work though - we will go for mani/pedis the day before with my BMs, she has a corsage to wear and a beautiful dress, and she and my dad will say a speech at the reception.
  • I think now its a little late to get totally involved in everything... And you should know what she wants to do to change this situation.. but a good point was said before.. did she tell you that or is it you thinking that she's feeling left out? If she didn't, well.. then before she ever ''realize'' that, you should be the one trying to make her feel more comfortable, ask her what she'd like to do with you, what else she could do, give some ideas, if not at the ceremony make sure to at least during the reception make her feel special. 

    I wish my mother would be like this, she probably won't be at my wedding due to distance and a tourist visa not being approved in time, but either way I tried everything I  could to make her feel a little involved but she completely ignores me and is negative all the time about my wedding. You at least has your mother to do something with you, this is a bless and an happy moment. See what she truly wants, what is her true wish in the ceremony... surprise her, idk... Good luck with everything :)
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  • amys325amys325 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    As PP said, have her and your father walk you down the aisle.  That's what I did and it was really nice to have here there with me and it meant a lot to her as well.
  • I wasn't looking for anyone to tell me that my mother needs to grow up.  I WANT to be able to include her more, she has helped with the planning and been there all the way....  I just think it is odd that Dads walk the daughter down the aisle and have a special dance- where the mother does.  My parents are both very important people to me, and I want to have equal memories of both of them in the event.  I had thought of them both walking down the aisle- I like the idea of giving the mother's flowers during ceremony.  A little daughter mother interaction involved- NOT MY MOM BEING SELFISH OR TRYING TO HOG ATTENTION>   that is just stupid that any of you would even say that.  That is obviously not my intention for this post.  Go be negative somewhere else..........
    Ashley & Andrew
  • There are no "rules", you don't have to follow tradition
    If you want both your parents to walk you down the aisle then do it!
    If you want both your parents to give you away then do it!
    You could even do a parents dance - pick a song and dance half with your dad then the other half with your mom?

    There are lots of ways you can include her if you're not opposed to breaking tradition :)
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