Poll: How Often Do You Fight?

caraellen23 · March 2011

This is sort of a spin-off of the pre-marital counseling thread. I was going to make it a clicky poll, but I'll make it a Q/A poll instead.

How often do you and FI/DH fight?

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?

My final words of wisdom for a good marriage:
"Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty."

ButtonsPepper · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight? Not that often, maybe once a month, once every few months it's a legit fight, other times we disagree, and it's over in a second.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)? I try to talk it through first... but when he's being redic. I walk away and tell him I refuse to talk to him when he's acting like a child. He throws a temper tantrum sometimes, and I won't have a conversation with someone like that. Once he calms down, we talk about it like adults and things get solved much quicker. So, silent treatment until he's ready to talk like a grown up, then talk it through. DH has NEVER cursed or yelled at me. And I only have once, because it was HUGEEEEE.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship? I think it's healthy. If you keep in everything you disagree on, eventually there will be resentment/build up, and that fight won't be pretty.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight? I feel like it is differnet for every person, but how ex and I used to fight was def. wrong. He would talk down to me/call me names/scream and yell/punch the wall. His anger issues were too extreme and it just wasn't right.

Bride_to_be_2011 · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
meh, I get mad sometimes, but we don't FIGHT too often, just I get annoyed cuz he does stupid things to aggravate me.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
I yell.... he likes to talk it out... lol, but I need to work on doing it more like him but I Am fiesty! it is hard.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
idk what to say about this. I guess fighting is ok, but if its all.the.time. there could be a problem...

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
not a right and wrong way ... everyone is different.

caraellen23 · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
We rarely fight. In fact, I don't think we actually had a fight until after we were already engaged. It used to worry me, that we weren't being honest with each other or that something was wrong becuase we didn't fight. I think that's due to my last relationship before DH.

We probably have a disagreement every once in a while. We've never had a real FIGHT though, never raised our voices or got so upset that someone cried. We've had differences of opinion, disagreements and impasses, but those were all worked through with good communication.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
My problem is that I get upset, but it takes me a while and a lot of contemplation to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. It might seem obvious on the surface, but usually its about more than that, and I don't like to get into discussions until I really know the root of my issue. I also try to see things from DH's perspective so I don't accuse him of something and end up being totally off base. So when we disagree, we talk through it. Neither of us likes being mad or have the other person be mad at us, so we do our best to work through things as soon as possible and not let anything linger or fester.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
I think its crucial to have your own opinion and your own mind, even if it means sometimes you disagree. I wonder about those who fight all the time though, I think that might be a red flag. But I think healthy debates are just that: healthy.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
I think its individual for each person and each couple. People handle hurt feelings in different ways and you have find what works for you. I think there are some general things that you shouldn't do...like holding onto things and using them in a later argument, etc.

My ex and I definitely fought the wrong way. Or at least HE did. We fought all the time and it was horrible. He was so difficult to be with and I remember thinking "is it supposed to be this hard?" Meeting DH was like coming up for air after drowning for months.

Amerbutt81 · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
We really don't fight that often. In the 10 years I've known him, I can really only think of maybe 4 fights we've been in. We disagree about things, but I wouldn't call that a fight.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
It usually starts off with the silent treatment for 20 minutes. If I don't have my 20 minutes of silent treatment I will explode and start screaming things that I don't mean. After 20 minutes we sit and talk things through.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
I think if you get to the point of fighting, someone is not listening, talking, or compromising with the other. {edit} basically there is a break down of communication.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
You should never, EVER call the person a name. It's just not fair.

RecoveringActor · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
We don't fight all the time... we have little disagreements... but we do have one big FIGHT every year. It's normally around Christmas. We fight might less now that we work together, though. He always got upset that we didn't get to see one another since I work so much, but now that we see each other all day... it is a lot better.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
It depends on the fight, honestly. We only do the yelling once in a long while. Most of the time it's talking it through... but occasionally, I'm so mad that he gets the silent treatment. That doesn't last long, though.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
I think that fighting is healthy. My parents never fought. Ever. Not once. In fact, they used to sit on the couch and make out in front of my friends to embarass me. They would hold hands on the couch every single night. But they never ever fought. And now they're divorced. My parents were both incredibly unhappy, but they never talked about why with one another until it was too late.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
Not that there's a right way and a wrong way... but there is a fair way and an unfair way to fight. Name calling and bringing up the past just isn't a very fair way to fight.

FutureMrsTCT · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight? Occassionally. Ususally when one of us is really stressed, it sets something off. We bicker a lot more when I'm PMSing - although he Man-PMSes around the same time too.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)? I wish I could say not yelling, but sometimes it ends up that way - not all the time though and we are getting much better at it. We usually yell over one another -realize we're dumb, and then talk out the actual problem after a 10-15 minute cool down.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship? It's natural. Two people who see each other and live with one another day in and day out are gonna fight. It's what's said and done afterwards that counts. FI and I fight. We try not to name call, and we always try to calm down and communicate.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight? Probably. When things get heated, there can be some things said that aren't meant - but trying to prevent that and communicate when you fight is probably what is most important.

PS - Cara I love the final words of wisdom - they are words to live by!

paprika28 · March 2011

How often do you and FI/DH fight? very rarely. Usually it's more like little frustrations. We had our first big blow out three weeks ago though.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)? Mine tends to go through all of them. I'll start off trying to explain myself, then if he doesn't listen, it turns to yelling, and when that doesn't solve anything, my jaw gets set, I sit up straight and just agree with everything he says. (I had 2 exes who were very verbally abusive, and one that was physically, so I try to just appease the situation. FI & I have been working through that, and I'm getting much better.) We never ever go to bed angry though. We stayed up as late as it took to get everything all worked out.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship? I think a blow up every now and then is healthy, as long as it's constructive fighting. Constant bickering over stupid stuff isn't necessary, or good for a relationship.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight? Absolutely. No name calling, no personal digs, and don't speak to each other in a condescending tone. Constructive fighting. Not a fight to tear each other down.

mana8503 · March 2011

Cara - <<My problem is that I get upset, but it takes me a while and a lot of contemplation to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. It might seem obvious on the surface, but usually its about more than that, and I don't like to get into discussions until I really know the root of my issue.>>

This is ME. And FI ALWAYS wants me to talk, but sometimes I have NO IDEA what's wrong. What's bad is, FI ia getting to the point he knows before I do. I know becaue he'll mention it and I start crying like THAT'S IT!

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
Fights, once or twice a year. Arguments/disagreements almost weekly

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
I do the silent treatment. See my post to Cara... I something don't know what's wrong. FI wants to talk it out. He was made to take marriage counseloring, alone, after his ex left him (yea that's the Army for ya). We joke it's helped us more than it helped them. So he makes me talk, even if I don't know what's wrong. I get mad, but in the end I'm happy he made me talk.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
Arguements etc is healthy, yelling screaming name calling isn't. We are two people with two views. We are bond to clash

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
Yes, yelling screaming, name calling, putting down isn't right. Talking and finding a solution is right

ETA: I had to really get onto FI lately when we argued and he would say things like "this is like my last marriage". He was just doing that to get at me... and that's not "right". Also, with his ex and my name being similar (Amanda vs Amber)... when we argued he would honestly accidently call me her name... He hadn't seen my irish temper until that happened!

caraellen23 · March 2011

Mana - glad I'm not the only one! Somtimes the only way I can really figure it out is to think about all different things and see what makes me burst into tears. lol

rachelk456 · March 2011

RA, that is really interesting about your parents. It reminds me of the parents of a friend of mine. They show their affection toward eachother a lot, but never ever fight.

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
Every once in a while. We hardly did at all until we started to live together.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?

He sometimes yells, I never do. We will usually try to talk then get too frustrated and stay away from each other for a while. Then later we'll get together and talk rationally. We both tend to get emotional, especially me. I feel bad for him sometimes that he's marrying a psychologist because I will easily talk about my feelings for long periods of time.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?

It's necessary. You should be an individual with different opinions and you should feel free express those thoughts or opinions to the person you trust and care about most.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?

Yes, no applying universal statements or labels to one situation and no critizing a person's personality or character (complain instead)

In grad school, we read a book by a marriage researcher called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail." It's a short and easy read, I would recommend it. It has a lot of good advice on healthy ways to argue and talks about different fighting styles and marriage styles. FI read it too and I notice we unconsciouly tend follow his rules when fighting. The one thing he said that sticks out most for me is that it doesn't matter how often you fight, as long as the good times outweight the bad by a ratio of 5:1. It might sound arbitrary but he actually came up with the ratio based on his marriage research.

RecoveringActor · March 2011

It's funny because I never had any delusions that my parents would get back together. I saw how unhappy they were with one another, and honestly, looking back I don't understand why they were even together in the first place. But my dad is now married to a woman who is so much better suited to him than my mom is. And my mom is a lot happier with her boyfriend (not everyone shares her feelings, but that's okay. He makes her happy).

But last night... when we were doing our tasting... my parents were laughing, and joking with each other. It was really...nice. And it really made me wonder that if my parents had fought, and if they WERE honest with one another... if they'd still be together. Or were they just joking and having a good time because they're both finally happy?

rachelk456 · March 2011

Oh interesting. Since you said they're finally with someone who suited each of them, it sounds like they are just finally happy. I'm glad to hear that they can now be friendly toward each other and put their focus on you. I have a friend with divorced parents who came to the hospital when she was having her baby. They fought the whole time, which is not the added stress you'd need when you're in the delivery room.

mana8503 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_poll-fight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:105Discussion:b871fa60-2f4f-4cd0-bd54-38da5764c0c9Post:b235a4eb-21fa-4e71-b966-5cbae13bdc64">Re: Poll: How Often Do You Fight?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mana - glad I'm not the only one! Somtimes the only way I can really figure it out is to think about all different things and see what makes me burst into tears. lol
Posted by caraellen23[/QUOTE]

Yup just like this weekend. I was snippy and I didn't know why... TOM was over, etc. I went through it all in my head. Finally FI made me come lay in bed with him, and he said something about him stop breathing.

The night before he stopped breathing for a LONG time and finally started again. He got the sinus surgery so he can get the sleep apnea machine... but it was the longest I noticed he stopped breathing, I didn't realize how much it scared me. Right when he said it was was crying. He assured me he wasn't going anyway... but that's why I was being a poo-head.

Thought I was the only one haha. When he makes me talk about it I get angry, and say let me think about it. He thinks I'm crazy, but really it takes me a bit to realize what's bothering me.

LaRositaMonita · March 2011

DH and I fight ocasionally. I can count the number of big blowouts on one hand, though. I'm not a gurdge-holder, but DH and I can both be stubborn...I am sure when we fight we sound totally immature. Luckily our big motto is never going to bed angry...so as soon as it comes down to the crying, name-calling, wearing, yelling, etc...one of us realizes things have gone on long enough and that will spur us into talking it out like adults.

I am convinced relationships aren't strong enough to really last until some hardship has come between you both and you have found a way to grow and work it out together. I know that DH and I hit some bumpy spots during our first year or two of dating and that I felt our relationship change dramatically for the better once the stressors putting on a strain on things were resolved. I'm also convinced, on a related note, that couples who NEVER fight are not communicating openly or honestly somehow...there is 1) no way that you have so much in common that you never have anything to argue about and 2) no way that living with someone and knowing them intimately like you do your spouse won't get on our nerves at some pont eventually.

Stacylynn702 · March 2011

I'm late but this poll is a good vent for me so I'm doing it.

How often do you and FI/DH fight?
We have only had ONE real fight in our relationship (going on 8 years). We do bicker though. I call these arguments "lumpy mashed potatoes". I got that title from my mother. We argue about little things that really aren't important. For example, our kitchen is VERY small. We cannot be in there at the same time in the morning before work or all hell breaks loose.

What is your fighting style (yelling, talking it through, silent treatment, etc.)?
We don't do the silent treatment. Nor do we ever really have anything to talk through b/c it's never over anything important so I'm going with yelling. We don't really yell though until he says "Why are you yelling at me??". (Whenever I say something he doesn't want to hear, I'm automatically yelling). Then it starts to get loud, if that makes any sense.

What are your views on fighting in a relationship?
I'm going to disagree with any above posts that said regular bickering isn't healthy. It works for us. I think if it's about big stuff that contiues into the same argument after argument, that causes a problem. I think bickering is actually healthy as long as it is about the current situation. In our case, we start to bicker and then one of us starts laughing and the other says "okay, are we done?" . Then, it's over. Kiss and make up.

Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to fight?
As long as you're both on the same page and it doesn't get out of hand, then it's the right way. The only thing I can think of as "the wrong way" is to raise a hand to the other person.

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