all wrong and don't know what to do (long)

Re: all wrong and don't know what to do (long)

• jerseydevil member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wrong-dont-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f8bad320-c862-4c88-a340-f8bdb442ed65Post:ad5503ea-d86a-418c-b0b6-aab015441404">all wrong and don't know what to do (long)</a>:
  [QUOTE]My FI and I recently moved from Hawaii to the east coast. This is his second marriage and the idea of a "wedding" really didn't appeal to either of us. We decided on JOP and a reception party for our friends and family back in Hawaii, piggybacking it with a business trip. FI tells me to go ahead and plan everything, it's my party.
  
  So, I rented a bar for the afternoon, got some appetizers and cupcakes, and a vintage cocktail dress, perfect right? Then FI caves to preassure from friends and family (his) to have a ceremony and tells folks we will marry at the bar, at the reception, didn't bother to ask me first. Not wanting to marry in a bar, we are now having a half ***ed ceremony in a hotel conference room for a few friends and family, about 12.
  
  I had no idea so many people would want to fly out from all over the counrty for this simple, little party, and many people attending will be FI's business associates, whom I'm worried will find my little party trite. Preassure also from Mom to have a cake cutting ceremony and flowers, decorations, which I will do for her, but can't help feeling that this is all wrong, considering the venue.
  
  Two weeks away and only half the invites have rsvp'd. Keep in mind only 2 months from announcing the engagement to the (now) big day. Any stress I show about any of this leads to FI yelling, "well let's just call the whole thing off" (the wedding, not the marriage) I wish it were possible, but we have 60 confirmed guests and we're two weeks away. I just wanted to have a little party with our friends, and this has turned into so much more that I'm not prepared for.
  Posted by prisoner2112[/QUOTE]
  
  I'm confused... 2 weeks away and these details aren't hashed out? Sounds like some hairy communication issues all around. Since you sent the invites out and people have RSVP-ed, you need to stick to whatevery plan you've wound up with regarding any details that were on your invites.

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• MikesAngie member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  First...breathe... take a very deep breath and hold it.... now release.... and again for good measure.
  
  Welcome to the boards, you will find a lot of really good advice here.  To bad you didn't come to us sooner. 
  
  What is in place right now for your weddiing in two weeks?  It sounds like you have the officiant, ceremony and reception venue.  All the wants and wishes of others is just that, and you need to remember that your wedding is about you and your FI (which is what you would have been told had you come to us sooner).  The only people you have to make happy are yourselves.  So if you want a simple little party keep it that way.  All weddings are about celebrating the love of two people - and should be done in a manner that respects that.
  
  It also sounds like the FI is as stressed as you are.  Maybe you take a night sit on the couch and share in a glass or two of wine and calmly talk about how you feel about each other, not one word about the looming wedding.
  
  You just got engaged and are getting married in a hurry I  know it's to coorespond with a business trip but if all you have been doing is rush planning you need to step back and breathe and take a minute (a night) for yourselves. 
  
  You have had some life changing events, moving, getting engaged and now have a wedding looming (those are huge stresors). 
  
  Stop worrying about pleasing your mom unless she's footing the bill. Have a fun party that you get married at, which is what you wanted.  Feel honored that family and friends want to witness  your vows - that's very nice.  However don't feel that you have to meet their expectations in any way.

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• lynniearudner

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  i agree, too, with the great advice above, but i also know that family dynamics, and even relationship dymaics with a FI make it harder than it sounds. 

  
  

  its seems like this "train is already rolling" so to speak, and because of the nature of this event (its far away from people, its not as you expected, etc) means that totally cancelling or totally redoing is not an option. 

  
  

  i know everyone says "you dont have to make anyone happy, just you and FI" but i guess i dont think its that simple. i, personally, would take a good relationship with my mom over the "exact wedding i want" any day. maybe i feel that way because thats what i am actually doing. i dont know. 

  
  

  my only advice to you is this -- try to enjoy the day. if you can add things that are meaningful or fun to you and FI, then go for it. if you are stuck with some things that are not ideal (like a conference room) see if you can think creatively to do something else (ceremony in a park, a local art museum, a garden, etc) instead. i dont want to make it sound like you need to "salvage" your wedding..... but i think with a little shrewd research and careful decision making you will enjoy it too. 

  
  

  also, i want to reiterate what MikesAngie said above -- its lovely that all these "unexpected' people love and care for you so much that they want to attend this party (especially if many of them have to travel). i hope that makes you guys feel good. 

  http://www.mywedding.com/lynnieandandy
  october '10 siggy: Early Pic of me and FI (not the first.....)
  

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