Momzilla

phoenix870509 · February 2013

Ok sorry if this turns into a rant, but my mother is driving me nuts! It started the moment my FI propsed to me. After I said yes I called her to tell her the good news. All she has to say are a list of her demands. "You're going to live at home until you get married and not move in with him," and "You're going to have a long engagement" were my two favs, but there were more. We went to the theater that night, too, and during intermission she called with more demands. It ended when I told her I had just gotten engaged and to let me enjoy my moment.

Well it's gotten worse from there. She asked if it was okay for her to not go with my color scheme of lavender and light blue, and instead wear a navy dress. I didn't fight her on it. She's been inviting herself to do wedding stuff with my FI and future sister-in-law (who is a wedding planner and a life saver). When I confront her on it she acts like a child and hangs up on me. She's even telling my future sister-in-law she doesn't know what she is doing!

The final straw is my dress. It's a lovely dress. I've been on medication most of my life and, because my FI and I want kids and I need to be off the meds for a few months before we can start trying, I stopped taking them. Because of that I gained a few inches on my chest and 20 pounds. I've been underweight my whole life so I really didn't care about the weight gain. However because of the inches I've gained my dress doesn't fit. I originally wanted a corset backing so I decided to take the zipper off my dress and put on the corset back. My mother did not like this. She says it will take my dress from elegant to classy. All my friends and future in-laws say it will look lovely. My second fitting was yesterday to determine where to pin the back. I tried talking to her about it, telling her it was what I wanted and how stunning I'll look on my big day. She then tells me nothing will change her mind and the corset back will take away from the dress, how I should have gone off my meds after the wedding and such.

It doesn't matter I've lost an inch since my first fitting. The dress fit me perfectly before and now it has to be changed and SHE doesn't like it. I'm at my wits end with her.

[Deleted User] · February 2013

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mom. Has your relationship always been like this? My mother can be very critical as well, and I'm learning to tell her when to butt out, but politely. If her money is not involved, I thank her for her opinion and then do whatever I want. If she pushes the issue, I ask (politely as I can) if she's curious because she's interested in paying. That usually solves the problem.

FWIW, your mother's dress is not required to match the wedding colors. Neither my mother's nor my FMIL's dress match, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Otherwise, they might end up looking like bridesmaids. Also, if your mother is a little more traditional, it's possible she expects to be invited to the wedding planning events because traditionally, mothers and daughters made these decisions together. That might not be the case, but I wanted to put it out there. Sometimes it helps to try to see things from the other person's perspective.

If none of this helps, become a master of changing the subject whenever she butts in where her opinion is not requested.

ETA: I'm sure your dress will look lovely, so don't worry about that. Your seamstress wouldn't let you do something that would ruin the look of the dress without counseling you first. Also, if you've been underweight most of your life, you're probably at a normal weight now. So don't worry about it. All that matters is that YOU feel comfortable in your own skin, and FI loves the way you look (and I'm sure he does and will).

melicifant · February 2013

It sounds like mom is in a panic over her baby growing up. Sometimes they can't process the emotions properly and act out. Just reassure her that she did a great job of raising you and now she has to let you spread your wings and fly. When she acts out you can tell her you love her, that you will miss her too and thank her for being your mom. If it doesn't fix the problem maybe it will at least confuse her enough she quiets down.

Your dress fix sounds awesome.

phoenix870509 · February 2013

My mom and I have always had a great relationship. She's my best friend and I'm her only child. She's always been supportive of me until now. She wants my day to be perfect and she thinks it won't be because of some things. It's an inconvenience. But also with the corset back, if I lose too much weight (which has been known to happen with my ever fluxing weight) I can always tighten it; can't do that with a zipper. She did pay for the dress, as a gift, and I said I would pay for the corset since I really want it. I honestly don't care that she's not wearing my colors. She wants to wear her sapphires and they go good with the navy. She really looks lovely in her dress.

I am super comfortable with how I look now and how I looked 20 pounds lighter. No one can tell I've gained weight since most of it resulted in the inches on my chest. My FI is totally supportive of how I look.

adawn1981 · February 2013

Yes, I agree that she is just having a hard time with you growing up and getting married. It's probably really hard for her especially since you two seem very close. I wouldn't worry about anything - although it's hard to hear negative things about your weight, you seem happy, so that's all that matters!!

One question though - what is with "will take my dress from elegant to classy"? What does that even mean?! I think elegant is classy and classy is elegant, isn't it? I may be wrong, but I can't figure that one out! I am sure you will be a knockout in your dress, whether it's elegant or classy!!

phoenix870509 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:aa7b22dc-513d-4ec6-9321-f0d13a3f119ePost:14ba3374-1c4e-4d25-8ef8-af10e853f5b9">Re: Momzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]One question though - what is with "will take my dress from elegant to classy"? What does that even mean?! I think elegant is classy and classy is elegant, isn't it? I may be wrong, but I can't figure that one out! I am sure you will be a knockout in your dress, whether it's elegant or classy!!
Posted by adawn1981[/QUOTE]

I posted a picture of me in my dress on the thread "We Said Yes to the Dress" so you can see what it looks like there. The "elegant to classy" is a direct quote from her. I always thought they meant the same thing too. I think she means it will take something away from the dress. I personally think it'll add to it. She's just set in her ways.

adawn1981 · February 2013

Gorgeous dress Phoenix!! I love it!!

[Deleted User] · February 2013

If you're close, could you have a serious talk with her? Like a real sit down saying "look, I understand you don't like the look of the corset but this is important to me so that I feel comfortable wearing the dress on the day of my wedding. I'm sorry to have upset you but I really need for both of us to get past this so that it doesn't color either of our impressions of my wedding day."

I just feel that as long as your relationship is good, it might help. Maybe she's actually stressed/upset about something else and that will come out when you talk. Or maybe she doesn't realize how much her comments are bugging you.

cncoombs · February 2013

This kinda sounds like my parents / mother....and the thing I have learned is they are loosing control over their "baby" and it causes them to act like this...for some reason. I decided to back off and when my mom confronted me about it, literally last week, I told her why and how upset I was because this was always something I had imagined sharing with her. She has done a complete 180 and is actually helping and providing helpful suggestions and not being so critical. Btw at my first fitting she told me I looked fat in my wedding dress and I cried leaving the boutique my entire way home (good thing I was in a separate car).

Good luck!

And I am sure you will look amazing in your dress!

chinofiesta93 · February 2013

My mom is a momzilla, too.

We've always been close, but since I've moved out/become engaged...she's put up a wall and become all grouchy and stuff. I honestly don't even recall the last time I've talked to her....
She insisted when I ordered invites 6 months ago that all of the RSVPs be sent to her house, so I have no idea who said yes/no/who still needs to RSVP. Not sure when I'll get those from her!
She is mostly mad about our guest list and feels that she got jipped or something. I've attempted to explain it nicely to her but she won't even let me start without going on a rant about how she is paying for all these people she doesn't even know.
Uuuuuuugh.
Some days I wish we would have politely declined her financial offer so we wouldn't have her on our back!
I highly doubt I will talk to her until the day-of. We are just avoiding each other that much.

Momzilla

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