Dreading this Saturday (long/vent)

SCogs18 · February 2012

This is going to be a really fun and really awful weekend all rolled into one. I'm driving home tomorrow to help my mom look at MOB dresses and to attend a bridal show/food tasting at the country club where we will be having our reception. Then on Friday we get to pick out linens, which should be really fun. Then I can give that info to our florist so we can try to finalize flowers. Also, hopefully my MOH will try on the bm dress (I think) I've picked if she has time.

____________________________________________________________

But then Saturday is going to come. And all fun things will come to an end.

FI and his mom are driving down to plan the rehearsal dinner. I booked the location months ago (we missed out on our first/most cost effective choice because FMIL said it "wasn't a good time for her to book"--she is way into astrology). Now, FMIL wants to eat at the restaurant--but only the three of us, because she doesn't want to have to pay for my parents. Then, she wants to talk to the catering manager to discuss menu options, linens, alcohol pricing, ect.

Then we have to go inspect the hotels I have blocked out for the wedding because they are "low class" (Hilton and a Marriott) and she doesn't want to stay there and she is embarissed to send HER guests there. (She calls them her guests, even though my parents are paying for 100% of the wedding).

I know this really doesn't sound like a big deal, but my FMIL is a total b!tch and absolutely evil. She keeps saying that, "the rehearsal dinner is her day and her show... you can have the wedding, but the rehearsal dinner is MINE." The best part is, she is only paying for 1/3 of it (FI's dad and FI/I are paying the remaining 2/3rds) but she seems to think she is the almighty decision maker and keeps trying to spend more money on it. Like, white table cloths are just SO not good enough and we just MUST absolutely have giant floral center pieces.

It's going to end in a huge fight, either over money or extras or something. FI and I are both dreading it.

Am I sounding like a total baby? I mean, you guys know how crazy she is.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

She sounds insane. Before Saturday I would have a serious sit down with FI. You need him on your side now. Besides the fact that FMIL shouldn't have total say because of finances, you need to establish with FI now that mom is no longer woman #1 in his life and he needs to side with you first. Did she give a set amount of money for the RD or has everyone agreed to 1/3 of the total bill no matter what it is. You and FI set your RD priorities and tell her before you even get to the restaurant. If it is a set amount, the first thing I would do is figure out the food (pp cost x # of people). Then if this is under budget I'd talk alcohol (RD can be dry for a non-dry wedding). Then decor. If you can keep all that under budget, fine just suck up unnecessary table cloths. If it isn't under budget, say "food and (maybe) alcohol are all we are comfortable with. If you want decor or colored table cloths, you will need to pay for those beyond your third." Is it a possibility to reject her third? Also, FI needs to have a convo with her about how no part of this wedding is "her" week, day, hour, or even minute. I would not even go to the hotel with her. If the blocks aren't good enough for her, tell her to make her own blocks where ever she wants on her own damn time. And, don't list her blocks on your website. She can tell "HER" guests with what sounds like her big mouth.

SCogs18 · February 2012

It's a little complicated, but FI's parents are paying for the RD, the HM flights/rental car and a few extras (my bouquet, the officiant, etc). The total cost for all of these expenses is to be no more than $10,000 max.

We have broken down the wedding related costs they will be covering ($750) and our flights (currently priced at $1400, but not booked). That leaves roughly $7,850. Ideally, since we have all comitted this money, we could use left over for the wedding (to upgrade the bar, which is something his parents really want and my parents aren't sure we can afford).

It is a constant battle to try to get FMIL to understand that there is another woman in FI's life now. Things are better than they used to be, but she still doesn't get it. FI has been the man in her life since he was 4, when she left his dad.

I think we are going to have to sit down and come up with our united front tonight so we will 100% be on the same page the next time we see eachother--which will be Saturday. Thankfully FI's dad said that "my vote is what ever you guys want" so we techinically have the majority decision, but she is really really good at making our lives hell if we don't do what she wants us to...part of why I want to move so badly is to get away from her.

SCogs18 · February 2012

Oh, and the reason the RD budget is to large is because it's for 82 people! No one was willing to cut their list so all parents, bridal party/dates, uncles, cousins are invited. It's going to be like, half the wedding

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Yeah I obviously can't know all the dynamics and family is sensitive. But, if you and FI know your priorities be firm that that is what will be paid for first, second, etc so what you deem unnecessary will only get funds if there are any left.

Some mom's are nuts and think their son is always theirs. It doesn't make life easy. But, if FI can stand up to her and knows you are #1, you shouldn't worry. I am blessed with a wonderful FMIL who is a bit older and is aware of her mortality and just wants someone to take care of FI. But, my dad's mother is one of those psycho mothers and I can't tell you how many times she almost ruined both her son's marriages and probably would have succeeded had her son's not known wife first, mom second. Be stong!

romamor4 · February 2012

This is definitely a tough situation! As you said, it's best to be united in her eyes with your FI. If the two of you are on the same page, it'll be more difficult for her to break you guys down. Then it won't just be something about you or your family.

I also second the hotel block issue. Marriots and Hiltons are nice hotels! And who's to say that the guests could afford to go any "nicer" than that?! Gimme a break! She needs a serious attitude adjustment and unfortunately she'll only get it if someone puts their foot down and doesn't let her have her way. It's not always a good thing to have certain people paying for things...they act as though they own the entire event then. That is bad news. I hope it all gets worked out and everyone can have a peaceful, enjoyable Saturday. Good luck!

bridalmomma · February 2012

SCogs... I'm so sorry you are going thru such a bad time with the FMIL. At least it sounds like you and FI are both on the same page! As a soon to be MIL I REALLY hope I hav kxze never been this pushy!!

I'm pretty sure my DD & her FI would both speak up (more like kick my a$$!!!) if I tried this. I would just try my best to pick the most important parts to you and stand firm on those... the one or two things you are iffy about ... let her win! Sometimes you can stand to lose a battle so as not to lose the war KWIM??

SCogs18 · February 2012

Bridalmama- That is a really good suggestion. If it's something littler, like a particular entree or table linen color, it's probably a good idea to just let her have her way so she feel like she is "winning." If that makes sense.

And I promise you, you seem like a lovely person and I really doubt you are anything like my FMIL. Mine took a swing at me about six months ago (she didn't make contact, FI stopped her). You have much more class than that.

bridalmomma · February 2012

OMG.... thanks for the compliment! i guess my "class" would not have come thru then ... cause I'm afraid I would have got my "RED" up and totally kicked her A$$!!!!!

I must say kuddos to you that you are a nice enough person to even ALLOWiNG her to come to your wedding!! Yhat would have been the icing on the cake for both me & DD .... if FIL feels free to get physical then they lose all rights to even be there!

DirtyWater · February 2012

She is a piece of work. She would also drop dead if she knew that the only hotels in my area are the La Quinta, Holiday Inn, The Red Roof Inn and a Drive in Motel. lol.

Too bad you couldn't play a joke on her and bring her to a flee bag place and say "well here we are MOM do you like it????"

jessa1228 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_dreading-this-saturday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:7fd1b452-5cd5-458c-a144-a51d95e0938fPost:f683b846-9a96-45ed-89d0-72cdd8163eb3">Re: Dreading this Saturday (long/vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]She is a piece of work. She would also drop dead if she knew that the only hotels in my area are the La Quinta, Holiday Inn, The Red Roof Inn and a Drive in Motel. lol. <strong> Too bad you couldn't play a joke on her and bring her to a flee bag place and say "well here we are MOM do you like it????"</strong>
Posted by DirtyWater[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha, I would pay to see her reaction to that.</div><div>
</div><div>Your FMIL is BSC, without a doubt. I really like bridalmomma's suggestion of letting her "win" the smaller battles. But if she starts to get out of hand with the bigger things, your FI will really need to step up to put an end to it. Easier said than done, I know, but if he doesn't start doing it now then you're only going to have bigger problems down the road.</div>

romamor4 · February 2012

Wow, Susan, how in the heck did you end up making up with that evil woman?!

caterpillar85 · February 2012

Reading your post, THIS started playing in my head.

bridalmomma · February 2012

Reading your post, THIS started playing in my head.

THIS!!! Made me LOL so hard the hubs came in the room to see if I was ok!!!

SCogs18 · February 2012

HAHAHAHAHA! Cruella de Villa and the fleas made my day!

I can't say I really made up with her, but I moved on. She apairently treated FI's dad this way before they got divorced and I asked his advice on how to handle the situation (he and his wife are great..that goodness I do have some good inlaws too).

She eventually "appologized" for her actions, which is more than FI expected, but not really quite good enough for me. Now I just pretend to like her when I have to see her and I limit my interactions with her.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

You're a really classy lady. If my FMIL took a swing at me I don't even know what I'd do. Though my FMIL is a big lady and has that scary southern black momma fear of God she can put in my FI even now and he's a grown man. She's sweet as pie but boy do I never hope to cross her. Hopeful your FMIL is a little small so if ever need be you can take her down haha. Let's hope not but with her sounds like you never know. Glad FI's dad and step mom are awesome though..that's a blessing!

Dreading this Saturday (long/vent)

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