the dreaded..so called "right of passage"

ohyouhavemyheart · July 2010

Who else is having heart palpitations over FI's bachelor party????

We are having a joined night out on the town but I seriously suspect his friends might drag him away another night for the "Bachelor Party". Unfortunately, I believe he will get dragged into a grimy strip club. And that makes me sick to my stomach.
I've read back on some of the posts here for some insight but I've seen preposterous things about being insecure and just trusting him.

How are you dealing? What have you talked about?

csmith2249 · July 2010

I, too, am uncomfortable about my FI having a bachelor party, and he feels the same about a bachelorette party so we are not having either. We both talked to our best man and maid of honor and told them not to throw us one because we didn't feel comfortable with it and they (thankfully) are listening. Maybe you could talk to him and tell him how you feel? Or talk to his guys and tell them. If you aren't comfortable with it, then they should all respect you and it shouldn't happen. Maybe you could suggest to them some other ideas other than a strip club. Do they like to golf? Fish? Maybe they could get together for a weekend and do something like that, rather than the usual. Good luck!

banana468 · July 2010

I'm not sure what you mean by "prepostorous statments".

You need to trust your FI and you two need to have an agreement on what is an isn't appropriate. It can't be something you dictate. You two need to be on the same page prior to this - and prior to any time he's going out with the guys. It's not like strip clubs are reserved for bachelor parties only.

Once you two come to an agreement (not one of you pressuring him but one where you two come to a mutual understanding) then yes, you do need to trust him.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

I trust my fiance and couldn't care less what happens at his party.

His friends are taking him to Vegas a couple months before the wedding. I don't want to be the girl who's setting rules or requiring phone calls at such-and-such intervals. He can do what he wants. As long as no one gets arrested or dies they can go off and have a great time.

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_dreadedso-called-right-of-passage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b6f26788-b40f-4346-828d-4d3fd39bbe62Post:8d72e449-9707-4877-b7bc-b323eb164145">the dreaded..so called "right of passage"</a>:
[QUOTE]Who else is having heart palpitations over FI's bachelor party???? We are having a joined night out on the town but I seriously suspect his friends might drag him away another night for the "Bachelor Party". Unfortunately, I believe he will get dragged into a grimy strip club. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I've read back on some of the posts here for some insight but I've seen preposterous things about being insecure and just trusting him. How are you dealing? What have you talked about?
Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]

Nobody can force your FI to do anything that he isn't comfortable with. Have a conversation with him about what you are both ok with at this sort of event. If he wants to go to a strip club then he isn't being dragged, and you two need to work out whether that's acceptable in your relationship. If he doesn't want to go to a strip club, then he needs to stand up for himself and make that clear to his friends, and walk out if they try to take him to one.

Brittanysc1234 · July 2010

I trust my fiancee 100%! However, the idea of a strip club/strippers drives me crazy!! I just don't see why a man has to do this right befor he is about to marry you! I really feel those days should be well behind him! However, he and I have talked about it and he says he doesn't really care if he has strippers or not. He said of course any man wants to see that, but it's all in fun! I think it's one of those things women will never fully understand, I think we just have to try and get past it...
So...I'm not happy about it, but if his groomsmen decide to throw that kind of party for him, then so be it...

stacy&tige · July 2010

My fiance and I are going to vegas on the same weekend with a bunch of our friends. We are staying at seperate hotels and don't plan on seeing each other. We decided to do it on the same weekend so neither of us is sitting around stressing about what the other is out doing...we'll be too busy with our respective groups.

We had a talk about what, if anything, we would really not like the other person to do...aside from the obvious (don't cheat, DUH!!!) I gave him one thing and he gave me one or two. Nothing serious or crazy demanding.

You should be comfortable enough in your relationship to talk about your fears but to also trust you FI...that's not a prepostorous statment. If you are planning on spending the rest of your life with guy you should know he won't do anything to disrespect you.

I have no doubts about my FI...and I can't wait to celebrate with my girls and for him to celebrate with his guys.

sgervais88 · July 2010

I don't know how I feel. Lol. I am dreading it a little though. I trust my FI, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about naked/half-naked women dancing all over him either. I honestly wouldn't care if he got drunk and partied as long as he has fun and doesn't do anything he would be uncomfortable with me finding out about. If he did anything that would cause problems between us, then I think that we would have bigger problems than just strippers.

creamykill · July 2010

Lol my friend has always thought the same way about strippers and such, she doesn't understand and doesn't like the idea. My FI and I have always been very secure with each other and have joked about who gets which strip clubs. If your going to marry somebody you shouldn't be concerned about their stag party, your relationship should be way past those doubts. If he doesn't want to do something then he should be able to tell his friends so. As long as you both have discussed what is and isnt okay with each other you shouldn't worry.

blackfire5th · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_dreadedso-called-right-of-passage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b6f26788-b40f-4346-828d-4d3fd39bbe62Post:8d72e449-9707-4877-b7bc-b323eb164145">the dreaded..so called "right of passage"</a>:
[QUOTE] I've read back on some of the posts here for some insight but I've seen preposterous things about being insecure and just trusting him. How are you dealing? What have you talked about?
Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why would trusting your FI be preposterous? You should trust him enough to not do anything with a stripper or any other person and you should trust him enough to know that he is not going to do something that makes you uncomfortable. If his friends drag him off to a strip club, he better have enough respect for you to not go in. If he can't even stand up for you, you have much bigger problems.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as how to deal, just talk to your FI and let him know that you are uncomfortable with strip clubs. If he's on the same page as you, then yeah, you need to trust him.

</div>

ohyouhavemyheart · July 2010

i should have made my statement/question clear..its not preposterous to trust the man im going to marry. its preposterous when people say, "i dont want to be that girl calling and saying no to this or that". its preposterous when people say, "you should just trust him, who cares" when they really deep down do, because lets face it, no girl with a right mind is going to really jump for joy and GENUINELY say "i dont care if he goes, i want him to have fun!!" with some half naked skank giving their man a lap dance. i mean seriously? no man who is going to marry a woman he "respects" has any business going to go get turned on by some naked chick with boobs in his face. and no woman really really wants their hubby to be to want that for his b-party.
i trust him not to willingly go do something to jeopardize our relationship as preposterous as have some sleaze bag grind on him but i was just looking for opinions as to how to address the situation with out coming off as some psycho jealous fiance trying to crash their dream party.

banana468 · July 2010

I think your attitude might be slightly naive. I think if your FI has a habit of going to get turned on by other women it's an issue. But going to a strip club isn't that big a deal if boundaries are agreed upon in advance.

Keep in mind, the stripper is just doing her job. She's not getting turned on by it.

ehathewa · July 2010

I don't think it is unreasonable to request that there are no strippers involved. Just have an honest conversation about it.

I don't think it is necessarily an issue in trust... I personally just don't like the idea of strip clubs; I think that they are gross.

kls114 · July 2010

IMO, I think even if you completely trust your FI the thought of going to a strip club & the hyped up "Bachelor" attitude some men have can cause you to be uncomfortable.

I think you should just have a chat with FI, mention how you feel and explain that you want him to enjoy this "Bachelor Party" experience & whatnot but there are limits and boundaries & then take it from there.

HTH & GL!

kliberti · July 2010

WOW- my FI's groom'sman don't drink and I'm worried he won't have enough fun so I asked a mutual friend to make sure he has fun. I trust him 100%. I don't care if he goes to a strip club or get's drunk or anything else. At the end of the day he's coming home to me and I know he won't do anything inappropriate- so what if he looks at some strippers tits- it's not like hes gonna go home with her. I don't even know if they will be going to a strip club or not but if he wants to I don't mind.

You should have a good enough relationship with your FI that you shouldn't have to worry about what hes doing.. otherwise, why are you marrying him?

[Deleted User] · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_dreadedso-called-right-of-passage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b6f26788-b40f-4346-828d-4d3fd39bbe62Post:24c3f5b4-b65d-4490-9ae3-580c5e7ab338">Re: the dreaded..so called "right of passage"</a>:
[QUOTE]i should have made my statement/question clear..its not preposterous to trust the man im going to marry. its preposterous when people say, "i dont want to be that girl calling and saying no to this or that". its preposterous when people say, "you should just trust him, who cares" when they really deep down do, because lets face it, no girl with a right mind is going to really jump for joy and GENUINELY say "i dont care if he goes, i want him to have fun!!" with some half naked skank giving their man a lap dance. i mean seriously? no man who is going to marry a woman he "respects" has any business going to go get turned on by some naked chick with boobs in his face. and no woman really really wants their hubby to be to want that for his b-party. i trust him not to willingly go do something to jeopardize our relationship as preposterous as have some sleaze bag grind on him but i was just looking for opinions as to how to address the situation with out coming off as some psycho jealous fiance trying to crash their dream party.
Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]

I understand this. It is my first reaction as well. But heres how I think about it. There will forever be naked females around for his viewing. Esp if he really wants to seek one out. In strip clubs, on tv, in porn. I trust him enough to let him have this little right. Looking is looking and hell same as having a fantasy of some sort. We all do.

The way I try to think of it is, if I have a stripper, what will it mean to me? Nothing. Nothing but some innocent fun. A night to make me and the girls blush a little and have lots of laughs. In the end I wont even think twice about the person. Because the man I want for the rest of my life is way better in ever sense of the word. Because he is mine and I am his.

If it will mean nothing to you, it most likely will mean nothing to him. So dont be "that" girl and read too much into it. Just have fun! A good thing to do is to plan these bach parties on the same night. So you two are too busy too be worrying about what the other is doing.

Hellokatie0517 · July 2010

What could go wrong at the bachelor party? I personally don't have a problem with my FI going to a strip club for his bachelor party. Do you think he'll stray and do something completely innappropriate? Guess what, if he does, he's probably done it before and would probably do it during the marriage! I hate to be a s**t about it, but really. A good guy doesn't become a creep just on the night of his bachelor party. Trust him, if you don't well you might need to think about things before you stroll down the aisle.

allgreek2me2 · July 2010

relax and let him go have a good time. if it's something you need to worry about, you have other problems.

eshevenell · July 2010

I think my biggest issue with this whole post is the part where you call strippers 'half naked skanks.' They might be half or even fully naked, but that doesn't automatically make them skanks, either. That's incredibly judgmental and definitely speaks of insecurity. Also, it's right on to say if a man wants to see a naked woman, there are plenty of ways for him to do it other than in a strip club the night of his bachelor party.

I agree with the other ladies who say you have to not only trust him, but feel comfortable enough to discuss your concerns with him. My FI is going to Vegas for his bachelor party. They will probably go to a strip club. I know this, and I don't like it either. I agree with you 100% that I don't want to envision him looking at another woman without her clothes on, but at the same time, I know he'll respect me and our relationship, not just because he loves me, but maybe more importantly, because he is a good and trustworthy person. Have faith in your FI - and talk to him about it.

rasberry80 · August 2010

Come on girls. How much can you rationalize.
First off, those strippers are not "skanks," and if they are what are the guys (that's your fiance honey) watching them. But really, why must we all convince each other that the guys are entitled to this behavior no matter how much it bothers the bride. My favorite rationalizations.

"Because he is mine and I am his." So why is he at the strip club.

"The way I try to think of it is, if I have a stripper, what will it mean to me? Nothing…..If it will mean nothing to you, it most likely will mean nothing to him." The way I think of it, if I have a one-night stand, what will it mean to me? Nothing. If it will mean nothing to you, it most likely will mean nothing to him.
The way I think of it, if he has a prostitute, what will it mean to me? Nothing. If it means nothing to him, it's OK.

We all agree. He doesn't want to go home with the stripper. But he is not going there to blush and be embarrassed. This is a different experience than what women feel with male strippers (usually embarrassed and slight disgust). This is very sexual. It is NOT meaningful in that he doesn't want to marry the stripper. But it is sexual. And, it is meaningful in that he is doing it in front of his friends. And that says something about how he feels about you. And it's not
"Because she is mine and I am hers
"So dont be "that" girl.."".
How about "So don't be that guy.

"Trust him. Trust him. Trust him. Trust him. Trust him. Trust him:

Respect her. Respect her. Respect her. Respect her.

"My FI is going to Vegas for his bachelor party. They will probably go to a strip club. I know this, and I don't like it either. I agree with you 100% that I don't want to envision him looking at another woman without her clothes on, but at the same time, I know he'll respect me and our relationship,"

Honey, if he respected you and your relationship, he would not be goint to a strip club when it bothers you. I know you don't want to hear that.

"I don't know how I feel. Lol. I am dreading it a little though. I trust my FI, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about naked/half-naked women dancing all over him either. If he did anything that would cause problems between us, then I think that we would have bigger problems than just strippers."

Honey, he is doing something to cause problems. He is doing something you dread; of course you are not happy to have naked women dancing all over him. You are just really good at making excuses for him . Because if it bothers you and he respected you, he would just not do it.

“Who else is having heart palpitations over FI's bachelor party????
We are having a joined night out on the town but I seriously suspect his friends might drag him away another night for the "Bachelor Party". Unfortunately, I believe he will get dragged into a grimy strip club. And that makes me sick to my stomach.” This is not an entitlement. This is not just a good fun time. He is doing something that upsets you. Sexual boundaries are extraordinarily important in a relationship. And, there is something about dishonoring you, by ogling these naked girls and having them all over him, in front of his friends, right before you get married. It will be his friends last image of him before he takes those vows. There really is not an excuse or rationalization for what that says about your relationship. Do not be so insecure that you must make up or accept these ridiculous rationalizations.

the dreaded..so called "right of passage"

Re: the dreaded..so called &quot;right of passage&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

the dreaded..so called &quot;right of passage&quot;

Re: the dreaded..so called &amp;quot;right of passage&amp;quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

the dreaded..so called "right of passage"

Re: the dreaded..so called "right of passage"