So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

I'm probably putting the cart before the horse here, but here's what's going on:

I asked one of my BMs to be in the wedding in January (my wedding is in October). I went back and forth about asking her, as we're great friends, but for a few months she was dealing with her own things and I didn't see her. We started seeing more of each other and I decided to ask her.

Since then, I haven't been able to talk to her about the wedding at all. Well, I've talked to her, but she hasn't responded. Yes, I talk to her about NWR things and see her about twice a month.

1) I tried to get my BMs (all local) together to try on dresses. She wouldn't return my emails. I scheduled it on a day she told me she might have off from work. She ended up having to work that day - she told me about it the night before the dress appointment when I asked her point-blank. Later, I showed her one dress the other two BMs liked and she said it was totally fine.

2) I am buying the dresses for my 3 BMs. I just need them to give me their size information so I can order them. I sent her a size chart and asked her to let me know her size or to get fitted. One of my BMs wants to go to the store to get fitted, so I emailed this BM about that as well. No response.

She does respond to other calls, emails and texts. Just not these.

I'm at the point where I'm not going to push the issue further. I'm ordering dresses by the end of the month (possibly tomorrow). So I feel like the ball is in her court. Like WP regs always say, the only "job" a BM has is to get a dress and show up, so if she doesn't get a dress, she's taking herself out of the wedding party, right?

Don't get me started on how non-confrontational she is, or my suspicions about how she's going to skip my wedding to go to a party in Vegas that weekend.

Thanks for letting me vent.

CN: BM won't respond to any of my emails. I'm getting ready to order the dresses and I don't know her size. I can just let this go and assume she's taking her self out of the wedding at some point, yes?

blackfire5th · May 2010

I would call her and send her an e-mail saying that you need her size by x date (tomorrow). Tell her that if she doesn't get back to you, she will need to order the dress herself and x date is the last possible date to order (probably sometime in August for you). I would tell her exactly how much you are contributing towards the dress and let her know that if she waits too late, she will have to cover any rush fees herself. And I would leave it at that and not worry about it. I'm not really sure what to tell you if she calls a week before your wedding and hasn't ordered the dress yet. I guess at that point you can tell her that you would still want her to attend as a guest.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

Sounds good. I'd still want her to attend as a guest and I'll send her an invitation no matter what.

She's the kind of person who might think I'm pushy and overbearing if I send too many emails, but really, I've sent her like 3. Since January.

blackfire5th · May 2010

Just make sure she knows the last day to order. I'd send her one more e-mail with all the info and leave it at that.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

Show up at her apartment with a tape measure.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

I told her in one email I wanted to order them by the end of May. I'm not sure when the last day to order would be (with or without rush fees), but I was considering ordering them online from a reputable site. But if they store can give me a good price (it's Alfred Angelo), I'll just put the order through them and leave it in her hands. That might be the least stressful way to go. I'll check everything with them tomorrow.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:894dd522-206b-4cd5-af6b-e2a827e9252c">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Show up at her apartment with a tape measure.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I honestly think she doesn't want to admit her size. Which is not that big, Whatever it is, she's sure as hell smaller than I am (my dress is an 18 in bridal size).

Of course the BM I'm going with the get measured tomorrow can't fit in the bridal size 2. It's too big for her. *headdesk* We're going to see if any of the jr. BM sizes fit her better!

spinner84 · May 2010

If she doesn't want to admit her size, can she get measured and order the dress herself, but you pay for it? (Which is super nice of you, by the way.)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:9aacd129-f636-4cf7-8cbb-382480f3acb5">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]If she doesn't want to admit her size, can she get measured and order the dress herself, but you pay for it? (Which is super nice of you, by the way.)
Posted by spinner84[/QUOTE]

I'll suggest it. I think I'll just order them through the bridal shop so she can place her order directly with them if she feels so inclined.

Basically, most of my friends are strapped for cash, and the money for their dresses doesn't seem like a lot compared with the rest of the things I'm spending money on! Plus, I wanted them in the same dress, so this way, if they never wear it again, they aren't out $150+. I'm also telling them to do whatever they want with their hair/makeup/shoes/jewelry.

JennaV26 · May 2010

I'd just call her and leave her a voicemail that says "If you still want to be in the wedding the last day to order your dress is X so I'll need your information by then. Thanks." If she doesn't get it to you then her answer is clear.

And to answer your subject Q... my sister kicked a bridesmaid out of her wedding. We were all relieved because my whole family hated her. If you heard the reason you would know it was legit!

spinner84 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:b64b9eb3-b349-4aaf-88a2-2c90f326785b">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE] If she doesn't get it to you then her answer is clear. And to answer your subject Q... my sister kicked a bridesmaid out of her wedding. We were all relieved because my whole family hated her. If you heard the reason you would know it was legit!
Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]
What did she do???

jennylove810 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:0fb42f7c-aee3-4e88-8904-4624bdc5e581">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding? : <strong>I honestly think she doesn't want to admit her size.</strong> Which is not that big, Whatever it is, she's sure as hell smaller than I am (my dress is an 18 in bridal size). Of course the BM I'm going with the get measured tomorrow can't fit in the bridal size 2. It's too big for her. *headdesk* We're going to see if any of the jr. BM sizes fit her better!
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

That is a crap reason for being a flake.

Sorry you're going through this irritation Mery. I agree with PPs - just set a final date, remind her once, then be done with it.

And honestly, I think if she does drop herself out, you are owed an explanation. Not in a 'zilla way, but friend to friend. My feelings would be hurt so bad if one of my girls dropped out and didn't explain the reason to me (or didn't have a good reason) We always tell brides that to kick out a BM is a friendship-ender, so on the flipside, I think to remove yourself from a bridal party that you committed to means you have some explaning to do to the bride.

taertman2516 · May 2010

I was a BM in a wedding where another BM dropped out, but only because she was preggers and wasn't sure she would be able to travel in the air . . . but then she showed up to the wedding anyway, and the whole thing was awkward. Also, the "stand in" BM had a huge hassle ordering the dress last minute, and the drop out couldn't send hers back . . . and I wouldn't want you to be out $150+ if you do go ahead and order a dress for her and find out she's not going, plus if you had to buy a dress for a different person if you wanted someone else to be in it . . . the list of possibilities is endless.

My assessment (for what it is worth):

1. If she's considering choosing Vegas over the wedding, or at least you think that's what she is doing, then she may not really have her priorities in line with yours.
2. You have lots of things to worry about--and AWOL bridesmaid should not be one of them.

I suggest you give her up until the day you order, whether that be tomorrow or not. If she doesn't order that way, it is possible she wouldn't order herself either, and you don't want to be in limbo. If you need to call/text her and pretend you aren't talking about the wedding in order to get her to answer, then do that, and bring it up.

That's my input. And I'm getting married in 29 days! WHoo hooo!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

I agree Jenny. This friend is very... narrow-sighted, for lack of a better word. She would much rather ignore things and hope they go away than confront them. When in reality, if she told me now that she had changed her mind, I would be FINE with it. I just don't want to stress over getting her a dress, buy her a gift, put her in the program, etc only to have her drop out a week beforehand, or to just not show up.

In her defense, she's an assistant manager at a coffee shop, so her time and money are not very abudant. It's hard for our schedules to match up. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she decided to work the morning of my wedding. But again, I shouldn't assume until this actually becomes a problem...

Really, I don't know how I could make this easier. She needs to give me her size and that's the ONLY thing I'm asking of my BMs.

jenn.daniel · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:0fb42f7c-aee3-4e88-8904-4624bdc5e581">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding? : I honestly think she doesn't want to admit her size. Which is not that big, Whatever it is, she's sure as hell smaller than I am (my dress is an 18 in bridal size). Of course the BM I'm going with the get measured tomorrow can't fit in the bridal size 2. It's too big for her. *headdesk* We're going to see if any of the jr. BM sizes fit her better!
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Does the store have petites? At least at Ann Talyor Loft, a petite size 2 fits even though a regular size 2 was too big on me. Unfortunately a lot of stores of pretty small petite sections, so you'll probably have better luck with junior's anyway. Just another option!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:e901ed7b-f693-47a3-a7fa-8fb403d5ca19">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding? : Does the store have petites? At least at Ann Talyor Loft, a petite size 2 fits even though a regular size 2 was too big on me. Unfortunately a lot of stores of pretty small petite sections, so you'll probably have better luck with junior's anyway. Just another option!
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

<div>I know AA does petites, but I don't think they do them in the dress the girls liked. But we'll see!</div>

gottahavashorti · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:32240ad8-3376-4588-a8e8-43bb4523dadb">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]i had to drop a BM because I ask her to see me three times and she said she would but never show also my sister was suppost to be one too and " and " could not get off because work because her minium wage job is soo imporant to that 17 year old...
Posted by NMN+HMN[/QUOTE]
You didn't have to drop her. When you're making minimum wage, you need all the hours you can get. It's only $5/hr after taxes are taken out and if she is paying for her own dress that could be her paycheck for an entire week or two. During breaks in college I jumped on all the extra hours I could get, I would not have taken off of work for something like dress shopping that I could do on my own at any time, especially if taking off meant not being able to afford the dress.

gottahavashorti · May 2010

If you want to order online, go ahead and do that. Just giver her the sizing chart, warn her that bridesmaid dress size charts often don't correspond to street sizes (AA's definitely doesn't) and the date you plan to order. Also let her know the last date to order without a rush fee and the last date to order with a rush fee. If she doesn't give you her size by your order date, let her order from wherever she wants and give her a check for the amount it would have cost for the dress if ordered with the rest.

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:4377e5fc-6a0e-4d46-85d1-2a7e87e515f9">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]And honestly, I think if she does drop herself out, you are owed an explanation. Not in a 'zilla way, but friend to friend. My feelings would be hurt so bad if one of my girls dropped out and didn't explain the reason to me (or didn't have a good reason) We always tell brides that to kick out a BM is a friendship-ender, so on the flipside, I think to remove yourself from a bridal party that you committed to means you have some explaning to do to the bride.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

<div>This! Especially if you don't even have to pay for the dress. I think the cost is frequently the reason BMs have to drop out.</div><div>
</div><div>To answer your thread question, I didn't lose a BM, but we did lose a GM. It was DH's co-worker at the time. They'd been hanging out a lot after work when we got engaged, and he asked him about 6 months out. Then the co-worker ended up quitting and taking a different job, and just falling off the face of the earth. He flat out stopped answering all calls, texts and emails about 2 months before the wedding, so he removed himself. I still have no idea what ever happened to him. </div><div>
</div><div>For a minute there, I thought we were going to lose another GM when my BIL got arrested a few days before the wedding. I had to go represent him and argue for no jail time so that he could be there. I caught a sympathetic prosecutor, so it worked out. </div>

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

I still vote show up with a tape measure. If she balks, just be cheerfully dismissive. "Oh, honey, do you really think I care what size you are? I just want you to be comfortable at the wedding, and that means a dress that actually fits. Now, arms up."

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:32240ad8-3376-4588-a8e8-43bb4523dadb">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]i had to drop a BM because I ask her to see me three times and she said she would but never show also my sister was suppost to be one too and " and " could not get off because work because her minium wage job is soo imporant to that 17 year old...
Posted by NMN+HMN[/QUOTE]

<div>Dear god tell me you are joking.</div><div>
</div><div>You treated not one but 2 people this way? WTF is wrong with you?</div>

Marilynor · May 2010

I just got married last Sat May 15, 2010 and had everything happen to me that week. My BM got really sick and was in the hospital so couldn't be in the wedding a couple of days before the wedding. A friend replaced her so it worked out fine. I told her to just get a dress that was the same style and color. She found a dress that was so close to the other BM's dresses that no-one noticed. My brother who was flying in from Virginia Beach had his flight canceled twice. He was suppose to arrive on Thursday and didn't fly in until the day of the wedding 10 minutes before the wedding. I picked him up in my Limo.LOL.The wedding ceremony was so beautiful, my brother walked me down the aisle and everything fell in place.

For all the new Brides, don't worry so much the day of the wedding you realize that the most important thing about this day is the ceremony and the step you are taking! That's all everyone cares about.

LD1970 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:32240ad8-3376-4588-a8e8-43bb4523dadb">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]i had to drop a BM because I ask her to see me three times and she said she would but never show also my sister was suppost to be one too and " and " could not get off because work because her minium wage job is soo imporant to that 17 year old...
Posted by NMN+HMN[/QUOTE]
Wow, you're a horrible person.

bekahjane89 · May 2010

I am with the other gals, I would give her a date. If she does not get you the size or order the dress by that date (I'd give her a week just to be certain she had a chance to check email, voicemail etc) then she is dropped. I know this could be majorly problematic for your friendship but can you really deal with the stress of not knowing if she is even going to not show up?? This way you have some time to figure things out if she isn't in the wedding.
To tell you the truth, I'm having to drop out of a wedding I'm in. It isn't as much about the cost (wich is a little bit of it), as much as I will be a newly wed, it will be the 2nd wedding soon after ours for me to deal with and there are a whole lot of other issues with the situation (I swear, I could write a novel about it all!) and I know neither of us need the drama. BUT, I'm giving her an entire year notice that I'm not going to be in the wedding. And as far as it being akward as previously discussed, I won't attend the wedding for that reason. I don't want to put my friends and the other BP members in that situation.

Good luck!!

Keirstien1 · May 2010

WELL! I have actually had 3 drop out (i swear im not a bridezilla) lol but anyway

In the beginning I had a MOH and 5 BMs. One of my BM's was there when my fiance proposed to me a year ago. A week later she had sat me down and told me that if the MOH needed any help with planning and money with the parties to get ahold of her and that she would also try to get ahold of her(she figured I would talk to her in the next couple of days anyway. my MOH never got ahold of her and it was coming up on January and my wedding at the time is planned for August and my MOH hadnt planned anything at all. so i talked to her and said hey A***** is going to by my MOH now because you are talking about moving and you havent seemed to even want to do anything. She got MAD and said well I probably wont be able to make it to the wedding anyway because Im moving in July and wont have the money to get my BM dress anyway so im just dropping out...I was in shock....like she was telling me that she didnt know if she was gonna make it to the wedding at all and shes waiting to tell me this til NOW??? So I asked the BM that was originally going to plan stuff and she was exstatic! and ironically my fiance was going to ask her husband to he his Bestman that same day!!! So then another one of my BMs and I had a falling out so she kinda just dropped out anyway. so then I had 3....THEN my BM's decided to wait until less than 3 months to order their dresses so when I decided to get kinda crappy about it one of them told me that she cant get it off work in 2.5 months....sooooo down to 2 I ended up asking one of my other friends and she was very excited lol. right now im just worrying about Davidsbridal getting my flowergirl dress in in time.....

Dont worry about it girly

JUST WORRY ABOUT #1....YOU

emilyinchile · May 2010

Mery, I'm just curious, what does she say if you're on the phone talking about something else normally, and then you mention the dress? Does she just brush you off, or does she totally change the subject, or what? THAT is what would frustrate me, the fact that a friend couldn't even be straight with me about what was going on. I'm sorry.

Keirstien, you are a bridezilla. Don't kid yourself otherwise. And NMH+HMN, you are unintelligible, but from what I did understand, you're BSC.

banana468 · May 2010

Why on earth would someone not worry about her friends?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-actually-bm-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3fb0b2ea-409f-47d4-89b7-332901375564Post:8e771265-8aa3-4ad4-8db3-530e14505439">Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am with the other gals, I would give her a date. If she does not get you the size or order the dress by that date (I'd give her a week just to be certain she had a chance to check email, voicemail etc) then she is dropped. I know this could be majorly problematic for your friendship but can you really deal with the stress of not knowing if she is even going to not show up?? This way you have some time to figure things out if she isn't in the wedding.
Posted by bekahjane89[/QUOTE]

Well, that's the point - I'm not going to boot her. No way, no how. I would love for her to stay in the wedding. I just have to accept that at some point, she may not want to be in the wedding or be able to be in it. But that's 100% her decision. I want to remain friends with her and I want her to be there. Though if she drops out and/or skips my wedding, I can't say I won't be hurt.

Emily, I don't usually talk to her in the same conversation about the wedding and about other stuff. I usually let my BMs bring up wedding talk, since I don't want to overload "normal" people with wedding plans! I'm really sensitive about my friends thinking that's all I talk about. :-) When we *need* to get something done, BM-wise, I usually just send them an email so they have information in writing (like, "hey, what's a good day to look at dresses? Does this work? or "Let's order dresses by the end of the month. Send me your size?") Then I'll either text a follow up at some point (my friends and I do text a lot if it's something short) or mention it in conversation, at which point, this BM will say something, "Oh, ok" or "Uh, yeah, we'll see." But she's been pretty non commital.

Anyway, we ordered the other two dresses through the shop on Saturday (they were only $10 more in-store than online). We changed the color a bit, which I don't think BM #3 will be pleased with, but hey, she wasn't there. They told me if we don't want to pay rush fees and have time for alterations we should order by June 10, so I'll let her know. Thanks a lot!

NMN+HMN · June 2010

It was not for the dress it was for the wedding I live in Florida and she lives with her mother....and btw she got her dress for free and plus I pay for her arm cover thing sooo no it was not a dress appiontment....it was to her only sister went she is the one that wanted to be in the wedding in the first place...

NMN+HMN · June 2010

I guess I am the worst person ever....I am sick I have diaylsis 3 times a week and in and out of hospital the every 2 months...yay soo I dont think if people say hey will show up I believe them....I am soooo sorry....and when they dont I get worry that they wont show up to the important things

damaless · June 2010

One of my BMs might be dropping out, but who knows. I know she has a lot of stress going on with her life right now, new home, new job, a baby and another baby on the way. She told me a couple months ago that she still had to confirm with work that she could get the time off to come to the wedding. Haven't heard any updates since then and I don't want to push her too hard about it since I know she might be having a really rough time.

So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?

Re: So has anyone actually had a BM drop out of the wedding?

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