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Honoring deceased parents, repost of missing post, advice needed.

jgreer9604jgreer9604 member
10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

My post disappeared last night so I will try to keep this one shorter.  My FI and I have both lost both parents.  We of course would like to honor them, but are concerned about being too dramatic.  4 of anything seems a little excessive (4 candles, 4 pictures, etc...) Yet, to me, lighting one candle for those we have lost seems a little trivial.  I think the emotion of it all makes it hard for me to see clearly.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  We do plan on mentioning our parents in the program. 
       On a related note, we both have women in our lives who have been influential.  We would like to honor them by escorting them in and seating them seperately.  They are by no means replacment moms, but they have played a big nurturing role in our relationship.  We in no way want to offend anyone, especially our siblings, but we do not want to ignore the place these women have in our hearts.
      A side note, our parents have been dead a while; my mom and his dad 20 years, my dad his mom, 7.  and we are in our ealy 40's.  Any wisdom would help me as I am clouded on this. Thanks

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Re: Honoring deceased parents, repost of missing post, advice needed.

  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is tough I had wanted to do a similar type thing. Thankfully we still have our parents, but we have grandparents and we both have an uncle who've passed. I dont really know how I want to go about this either. Perhaps maybe have a table set up with pictures of the deceased and a candle and maybe a bio about each one. This way it's kind of off to the side and not shoved in ppls faces some ppl could be uncomfortable with it as a wedding should be a happy time, not a time for mourning. I get what ur trying to do bc I want to do the same thing but a table would be good maybe so that the people who want to reflect and remember can and the ones who would rather not don't have to. Remember the wedding is about u and ur fianc so I would not let this take over what the real reason is that you are there for. I would nix the influential women idea though and just do the parents though. In my case since its not our parents, I'm not sure if I def want to have a memorial.
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  • SereJaneSereJane
    500 Comments
    My H's dad passed away when H was 14. What we did was place a framed photo of his father in the seat where he would have sat if he was alive. It was perfect for us because it honored him without taking away from the joy of the day. Plus H and his soccer buddies, who were there for him in a big way when his father passed away, were able to pose for photos with the picture, which they thought was really special.
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  • dramaqueen91087dramaqueen91087
    500 Comments
    If you don't like the idea of four pictures can you find pictures of them together? For my grandparents we are using their wedding photo. That way we don't have 5 photos cluttering up the space (my 4 grandparents and FI's dad).

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  • futuremrsbrunofuturemrsbruno member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I bet you didn't get my response then!

    We are going to do a clear vase with a rose for each family member missing from our day. I am going to etch the bridal party glasses myself, so I am thinking of etching the names of those who aren't with us onto the vase as well. We will put the vase on the same table as the unity candle, then transfer it to the escort card table at the reception.

    As far as the other women in your life, and I know you had a lengthier post about that last night, I don't think it would be inappropriate if you were to have them escorted down the aisle seperately from the rest of the guests. Generally the mothers of the groom and bride are escorted to their seats after all guests have arrived to signal the start of the ceremony. You could do something like that. I think it would be a nice tribute to each woman, and if your family and friends know what they mean to you, I'm sure they will find it appropriate and touching as well.
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  • tashaballtashaball member
    First Comment
    Maybe you can just have one, or two, memorial candles with cards that have their names on them. Or, if you can find a good time, release some butterflies. They represent the deceased flying free, so to speak. Or, you could release some balloons with a short note to them.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_honoring-deceased-parents-repost-of-missing-post-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7c6641b-a3b2-4883-8f3a-c34d084fb284Post:f38051e6-f207-41e2-a019-eef5332b31e9">Re: Honoring deceased parents, repost of missing post, advice needed.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My H's dad passed away when H was 14. What we did was place a framed photo of his father in the seat where he would have sat if he was alive. It was perfect for us because it honored him without taking away from the joy of the day. Plus H and his soccer buddies, who were there for him in a big way when his father passed away, were able to pose for photos with the picture, which they thought was really special.
    Posted by SereJane[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sure that you were happy with your decision, and it's done now, but I wouldn't do this. To me, it seems really morbid. Not to mention, I'd have so many empty seats. One for Dad, one for both grandfathers, one for two uncles, then there's FI's side. I just wouldn't do it.</div><div>
    </div><div>My dad passed away in February, and I'm just carrying something of his with me and mentioning his name in the program. I may do a candle, but I'm not going to do an entire table with photos of the deceased. That seems too much like a wake to me. I will miss who is not there that day. I don't need a visual reminder TO miss them. YKWIM?

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  • jgreer9604jgreer9604 member
    10 Comments
    Thanks for the great suggestions.  It is strange, I can only see this post if I go to "my posts".  I feel like i am in hiding by someone else's choice, this board is a little annoying.  Anyway, Future MrsBruno, loved your ideas.  Roses on a couple of empty seats seem subtle without crossing into the morbid mourning tone.  Thanks ladies.
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