WTF is wrong with people

Scarlet Starlet 31 · June 2011

I would have to assume most of us are becoming second-time (or more) brides because we had a first marriage go wrong but have found love again in a new partner.
What makes it so hard for people to be supportive of that?
I get so enraged reading some of the posts on here about comments people make towards remarrying brides!!!!!
Only a complete holier than thou judgemental egotistical @$$hole would make some of the comments on here that I've read!
I just cannot believe the blatant nerve of some people!!!!!!!!!!!

handfast4me · June 2011

Read Donna's response to the post below. Many of us here have read posts from women on this board who've said "I will never end up like you!!!" Some of us have ended up on this board because we've lost a spouse due to death--which makes it doubly sad that there's no support.

I had this as my siggy for a while:

Lifetime of the knot: You get married at age 22, and think you know it ALL. You move over to The Nest, on Relationships, and then on to TIP. You end up divorced, and then, with luck, head back over to the SW board. You post on a couple of other boards, hoping that other young brides will benefit from your hard won knowledge. You're called a bitter old hag. You have arrived.

Lisa50 · June 2011

Some people (many people) cannot imagine a life different from theirs. Hand-in-hand with that lack of imagination comes a know-it-all attitude. Toxic, really. With the toxicity, an undercurrent of snippy-ness dwells. It's a lethal combination. Now, why those ignorant people are also rude, I cannot tell you. Some people are just mean, you know. Not unlike the Grinch.

AbbeyS2011 · June 2011

I understand how you feel. This is my 2nd and FH's 3rd. I do not care what people think about us getting married - it is our decision, not theirs to make. If they cannot be supportive, then we don't need them.

I have always loved a little plaque my grandmother had on her wall in her kitchen:

An Old Indian Prayer: Grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in their moccasins.

I always remember that.

When someone says "Oh, that won't happen to ME!" is begging for it to happen.

soon to be mrs pham · June 2011

This is my third wedding second marriage because my EH forced me to have a second wedding with him or he would cut me with a knife... yeah that is why we are divorced. (the continual abuse not the wedding) most of my friends know how EH was so they see my fiance and i truely happy and are happy for us: others just dont get it... so its okay if he kills me but not okay if i get a divorce but god forbid i remarry... THEY EXASPARATE ME!

blush64 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wtf-wrong-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c950ad7c-d369-4231-b6a2-de503d0f2b05Post:2e7ce91b-0d52-4695-a30e-34670d8f3a79">WTF is wrong with people</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have to assume most of us are becoming second-time (or more) brides because we had a first marriage go wrong but have found love again in a new partner. What makes it so hard for people to be supportive of that? I get so enraged reading some of the posts on here about comments people make towards remarrying brides!!!!! Only a complete holier than thou judgemental egotistical @$$hole would make some of the comments on here that I've read! I just cannot believe the blatant nerve of some people!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Scarlet Starlet 31[/QUOTE]

I hate the comments. I hate the ones that seem so innocent like "i'll only get married once" or "when I get married it will be forever" How many of us imagined we would get married more than once? I don't think most of us got married thinking we would be divorced. (some maybe but not usually)

I didn't plan on having an abusive husband who made it impossible to stay married. And I knew him for years before. There was no way to have known.

cecile32 · June 2011

Ahh to be judged by people who are so little minded. I remember getting married to my ex saying that "We will be together forever" and "I will never marry again!". How dumb was I!!

When my ex cheated on me my life completly changed. I lost trust for him and our marriage crumpled. But I tried everything I could to be a good wife and forgive him. Things seemed to be going better when 5 days after our 2nd annerversary) and told me he no longer wanted to be married.

Now I am with a man (who also went through a divorce) and could not be happer. I work with a woman who is extremly judgemental and during lunch I hear her comments that I swear are directed to me. Things like "People don't try hard enough in a marriage" or "Divorce is just an easy way out". Meanwhile all I hear her do is complain about her husband.

People just dont understand that some marriages look are wonderful but behing closed doors there is abuse, harrasment and many tears. I can't stand people who need to add their two cents.

Whew! Sorry for the long rant this post just struck up a ton of feelings that I have for some people.

princessv_95031 · June 2011

I really wish TK had a like button. I would "like" this section over and over again.

Even my MOH makes comments, not realizing what she is saying. We had a chat on Saturday....again with the "this isn't your first rodeo" and I used a response I got from the ladies here...."well, it's my first rodeo with Joe"

She shut up on that topic, but carelessly went on to mention how I "had" to get married to the 2nd husband because he was so ill...but she just doesnt get it because she wasn't in my shoes. I have to continually remind myself that no one will understand how I felt or how I made the decisions I've made because they were not in my shoes AT THAT TIME.

If someone chooses to judge me for my past instead of support me (MOH excluded...she's just dense-you have to know her to love her; it's not judgement, just stupidity) than they do not need to be a part of my life. Harsh choice to make, but I am stronger for it.

mightyoakes · June 2011

Yep, yep, yep. I agree with all of you.

I LOVE what princessv_95031 said: "It is my first rodeo with Joe."

Amen sister!

shalynnp · June 2011

Between my ex in-laws (xH and I have a 6 year old so they're kind of hard to avoid) and my grandmother, I've had it up to my eyeballs with the snarky, angry, unkind comments. The comment I hate the most? "You two have been living together for 4 years, why bother with a wedding? You just want gifts." Actually no, we're happy and want our family to be with us as we make our commitment to each other.
My opinion? Tell the nay-sayers and commenters that you're happy and thank you for helping to cut the costs (and guestlist!) down and then leave them off the invite list.

lindaloulubbock · June 2011

"People just dont understand that some marriages look are wonderful but behing closed doors there is abuse, harrasment and many tears."

I had one of those marriages. It looked very happy to other people, but I was dying inside. I cried myself to sleep probably 1/3 of the nights of the last two years of my marriage. I was either going to raise my children as a shell of the woman I was and let them think that that was what a loving relationship is or I was going to fix it. You can't understand that feeling until you're there...until you know, without a doubt, that you have given everything you can give and the other person isn't going to change or even notice.

People often wondered why I wasn't sad after my divorce and the truth was that I was sad so much before it, that when I finally made the decision, it was like my light switched back on and I was ready to fix myself and my situation and that didn't mean crying, it meant acting and moving and remembering how to be me and that felt GOOD.

fireytiger · June 2011

"People just dont understand that some marriages look are wonderful but behing closed doors there is abuse, harrasment and many tears."

Agreed. In my divorce, everyone turned against me because they thought we had a WONDERFUL marriage and that I was just being a horrible person and hurting my ex-H. The reality of the situation was, he was verbally abusive and becoming physically abusive. We fought about EVERYTHING, all the time, and he'd just start fights about stuff "just because he was tired of me being right all the time". He raped me once, it was near the end of our relationship, our sex life had become almost nonexistent because he'd use sex to humiliate me. So I didn't want him to touch me. He forced himself on me. I was told by people that it's not possible to be raped by your husband, because it's your "responsibility" as his wife to submit when he demands sex. I still never understood that one.

A lot of people thought during the divorce that I wasn't sad about it, I was enjoying making my husband sad. Again, I did all my crying behind closed doors. I lost my entire friends group after that, it was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through. And I still pay the price. My family is boycotting my wedding because they're mad that I got married against their wishes and divorced, and that i'm getting married now and having a wedding. People find out that i've been divorced and they look at me and my relationship differently, like I'm not capable of sustaining a relationship and have no business getting remarried. It's really sad.

pixtyn · June 2011

Thanks go out to another knottie who steered me towards this board and thread. This will be the third marriage for both of us. We figure third times the charm.

His family seems to be excited, but sometimes, I get the feeling from them that they do not expect this to last. Once in a blue moon, I hear snide comments about our marriage not lasting. These comments are not meant for our ears, but they hurt nonetheless.

My family is not even going to come to the wedding. They reside in Florida and we are in Illinois. They moved out that way so Illinois was their home. They just do not think the wedding is important enough to travel, I guess. I do not have any friends because husband #2 emotionally abused me and had me sever all contacts with everyone. So, essentially, our wedding day will include us, our children and his family.

From the start, this entire thing was a downer for me but FI is hopeful that his family will come around. Our wedding is in a month and I am not even looking forward to it. I would have been happy just to elope, but his family was upset even with the thought.

Oh well.

gzimmylou2 · June 2011

When FI and I first started dating, a member of his family thought it was necessary to tell my FMIL, "you know, she's been married & divorced already...and she's only 23!"

This was 5 years ago and it still hurts...makes me wonder if other members of the family give me the side-eye. I shouldn't care, but it's still in the back of my mind.

I admire how strong you ladies are. These stories break my heart. People can be so horrible in their thoughtless comments.

Scarlet Starlet 31 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wtf-wrong-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c950ad7c-d369-4231-b6a2-de503d0f2b05Post:a901b207-58c2-40b0-8839-8870f04d0a38">Re: WTF is wrong with people</a>:
[QUOTE]"People often wondered why I wasn't sad after my divorce and the truth was that I was sad so much before it, that when I finally made the decision, it was like my light switched back on and I was ready to fix myself and my situation and that didn't mean crying, it meant acting and moving and remembering how to be me and that felt GOOD.
Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]

This gave me goosebumps! This is EXACTLY how I felt too.

amy7177 · June 2011

Thank you for posting this.Im getting the same kind of flack when I post things. Getting married is a huge step and its soposed to be a happy occasion no matter if its your first or second, or whatever. People are so mean and outright rude. In my oppinion, taking such an important step in your life is better thought thru when you have wisdom on your side. LIke being 18-24 yrs old and first time brides gives then the holier than thou status. No. It actually makes them young and dumb and they will end up in divorce later on when their fantasies are crashed down. Just blow them off. It makes me mad too.

amy7177 · June 2011

we all thought it was going to be forever, but then life happened. It will happen to them too.

soon to be mrs pham · June 2011

I do agree with them not having experienced life but if we say the same comments about their marriages not lasting are we any better? it is deffinatly a possibility that their Marriage can fail but not a deffinate outcome inthe same way that it is not deffinate that a Marriage (any marriage) will last. sorry for my little comment cause i Know it feels good to blast them in Their place just not the best thing probably.

soon to be mrs pham · June 2011

"Well....a hell of a lot of that had to do with the fact that women had no rights, were unlikely to have an income if they left, and religion treated them like prostitutes for being divorced. Abuse was a "private family matter" and often society blamed them for it - after all, they weren't keeping their men happy, were they?"

this angers me to! i have realitives who still believe this way. as i said earlier they are some of the ones id like to blast occasionally...

mybooboos · June 2011

Wow...I've been out of pocket for a few days, so what a sad yet uplifting thread to come back to. So many of you have dealt with tramatic experiences in your previous marriages, YET, still managed to turn things around in your favor (in my case, with lots of therapy!), find a partner to build a new life with, and come out on top.

I know after my divorce, people sneered, "I hope you get what you deserve" ..and now I should go back and thank them, because I have, but in such a oh so delightful way!!

I feel like singing a Helen Reddy song...for those of you old enough to know which one I'm referring to. LOL!

iluvmy0341 · June 2011

yeah i stopped posting on the regular boards because of the comments i was getting. this is my second marriage, we actually eloped and are having a vow renewal ceremony/reception in july. my first marriage was a forced disaster. i married this guy right out of high school who was abusive from the minute i moved in with him. he dragged me by my neck around the apartment until i agreed to marry him. it was the worst day of my life walking down that aisle with a forced smile on my face to hide my tears. thank god i got out of that situation and have found someone better. the girls on the boards who post nasty stuff have no idea what half of our stories are and all the details are really none of their business. i just wished theyd think before opening their mouths. sorry for all the bad punctuation my phone is being stupid

TallulahTrouble · July 2011

"People often wondered why I wasn't sad after my divorce and the truth was that I was sad so much before it, that when I finally made the decision, it was like my light switched back on and I was ready to fix myself and my situation and that didn't mean crying, it meant acting and moving and remembering how to be me and that felt GOOD."

Love this! Yeah, by the time I moved out, I was DONE. I had done all the crying and suffering I needed to and I was just done. My divorce was a happy thing for me, a new life given to me. All the sadness was during the marriage. The divorce was LIFE.

cdroses · July 2011

FINALLY a group of women who really understand where I am!

My sister and mother thought my first husband was a good guy. They didn't have to listen to the abusive words thrown at me, especially when he was drinking. 4 years before he died (of a heart attack) he announced he was sobering up and divorcing me. Then the following years played this cat and mouse game trying to get me to "love him again."

Since his death I moved half way across the country to live the life I had wanted to for many years. In the process, I've deepened a relationship with a man I've known since high school Mom and Sis remember FI as a "troublemaker," and haven't bothered to get to know him. When I announced we were engaged, then later announced the date, neither of them said a word! Nothing supportive or anything!

My line to anyone who says "you should have..." is "If you haven't seen my shoe closet, don't tell me how to walk in my shoes."

Lisa50 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wtf-wrong-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:c950ad7c-d369-4231-b6a2-de503d0f2b05Post:080fcff7-51f2-4d08-9992-bb9b9f2c2b5b">Re: WTF is wrong with people</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow...I've been out of pocket for a few days, so what a sad yet uplifting thread to come back to. So many of you have dealt with tramatic experiences in your previous marriages, YET, still managed to turn things around in your favor (in my case, with lots of therapy!), find a partner to build a new life with, and come out on top. I know after my divorce, people sneered, "I hope you get what you deserve" ..and now I should go back and thank them, because I have, but in such a oh so delightful way!! I feel like singing a Helen Reddy song...for those of you old enough to know which one I'm referring to. LOL!
Posted by mybooboos[/QUOTE]

Welcome back, welcome back!!!

WTF is wrong with people

Re: WTF is wrong with people

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