Venting...need advice

jkr41271 · January 2013

Tomorrow is mine and my MOH and bridesmaid fitting. I've notified both girls and my MOH has confirmed but my BM has not. I've texted her 4 times and called her countless in the past 4 days and have not gotten a response. I know she's ok because she posts on FB everyday (and yes I've tried contacting her through that also)
My FI is furious that I even have to stress over this and at this point I just want the dress back (I bought it). I have a back up BM lined up and she can make the fitting.
I don't know what to do. I feel this is going to ruin our friendship. Then on the other hand I think to myself she's the one who is willing to ruin it. The wedding is in 43 days and she hasn't even booked her air or hotel. I don't know if she's been giving me the run around for the past 7 months saying she wants to do this and in the back of her mind she was always blowing smoke up my butt.
What to do??? I want to text and call her today and just say drop off my dress you're fired.

CandCWedding2013 · January 2013

How frustrating!! I feel for you.

Personally I would text her that your wedding is in 43 days and if she doesn't want to be a BM that's fine, she doesn't have to be but the decision needs to be NOW! And it needs to be a firm yes or no.

Good luck.

kalexander331 · January 2013

I don't know - I have to be the dissenting voice here. If someone called or texted me that many times, I know I'd get a little snarky and not respond back. Immature, I know, but come on. We are all adults, she knows the time and place...your not her only appt. And my MOH hasn't booked her hotel or flight yet and we are a month out. But she is my best friend, I've known her forever (hence her being the maid of honor) I trust and know that she will make it, what's the worst that can happen? She doesn't book till last minute and costs her an arm and a leg? I totally don't want that to happen, but again - she's a grown up, she will work it out. Assume that your bridesmaid knows when and where to be, and if she doesn't make it just plan to have one less bridesmaid. Didn't we all close vegas to make our lives less stressful??

PreDempsey · January 2013

Other places on TK would light you on fire for even suggesting replacing here and their only job is to show up on your wedding day which is true to an extent. Given you bought the dress and girlfriend hasn't even bought her plane ticket yet, I'd be freaking out too. I'd leave one last message like "Hey, I'm not trying to suffocate you but we are almost down the wire and I'm close to losing my mind and I need you to book flights, a hotel, and communicate me if you are still intending to do this with me. If not I'm incredibly sorry it had to come to this but you can drop the dress I bought off whenever you get a chance."

I never established a "bridal party" but as our friend say they're definitely in I'm just throwing it out there that if they want to coordinate on the wedding day we're doing this color and this fabric, just to avoid some drama.

On a happier note I get SO flipping excited about your countdown!!

jkr41271 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_ventingneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:0106d15c-e11b-455b-84d3-19db43333469Post:62b7f599-9c89-4ffb-a098-bea3c000dae0">Re: Venting...need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Other places on TK would light you on fire for even suggesting replacing here and their only job is to show up on your wedding day which is true to an extent. Given you bought the dress and girlfriend hasn't even bought her plane ticket yet, I'd be freaking out too. I'd leave one last message like "Hey, I'm not trying to suffocate you but we are almost down the wire and I'm close to losing my mind and I need you to book flights, a hotel, and communicate me if you are still intending to do this with me. If not I'm incredibly sorry it had to come to this but you can drop the dress I bought off whenever you get a chance." I never established a "bridal party" but as our friend say they're definitely in I'm just throwing it out there that if they want to coordinate on the wedding day we're doing this color and this fabric, just to avoid some drama. On a happier note I get SO flipping excited about your countdown!! =)
Posted by PreDempsey[/QUOTE]

Hahahah...thanks I get SO flipping excited when I look at it too.

So, finally got ahold of a mutual friend of ours and the friend told me that my BM has been waiting for me to book her flight and hotel because that's proper etticate when having a destination wedding. The bride and groom are to cover expenses for the bridal party. WOW...not sure if that's true and if it is I'm def not PC here.

EmiliaC01 · January 2013

While it is a nice gesture if you can afford it, you are not required to pay for their travel accomodations. They shouldn't assume that unless you offer.
And you did pay for her dress... so you have helped with their expenses in that regard.

PreDempsey · January 2013

If you're flying everyone out can I come? lol That's crazy, explain how crazy that is to her and tell her to make some decisions. You went above and beyond by even buying the dresses as far as I'm concerned.

Knottie1450123632 · January 2013

wow does she know the definition of ASS U ME lol

jkr41271 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_ventingneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:0106d15c-e11b-455b-84d3-19db43333469Post:92a9ba44-0bda-4bdc-96be-a283101742a2">Re: Venting...need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]wow does she know the definition of ASS U ME lol
Posted by southerncutie[/QUOTE]

Lol...what bothers me is that she hasn't even asked me about it. I don't know...in the past few hours I've went from angry to frustrated to take a deep breath and casa ra sara

EmiliaC01 · January 2013

It seems like all you can do at this point is just bring that up to her and explain that there must have been miscommunication ("maybe" it went over her head and she really just believed you were covering it without trying to be mean) and that you would still like her to attend, but are unable to cover those expenses. Leave it up to her to agree or not agree to it. Hopefully she can reply to that, so you know where she stands. Give her the benefit of the doubt since she is your friend. It would be horrible to ruin a relationship over miscommuncation...

I wish you the best of luck. Seems frustrating!

vegasgroom · January 2013

I know emotions run high for weddings so just sit back and relax a little every day. Personally, I'd wait it out and see if she shows for the appointment; don't make any further contact until then. It took a long time for some of my groomsmen to go get fitted for their tuxes, some felt like they were avoiding it, I didn't really care, I had confidence in the ones I chose and wasn't concerned that they would not ultimately get it done.

However, if she skips the appointment that she surely knows about now, that would be an issue. If that occurs, give her a day or two to contact you. If nothing still, I'd be inclined to view that, and her using back channels to tell you that she expects you to pay for her air and hotel, as a display of the value she has on the 'friendship', which would not be much.

My wife went through this with two of her BM's; she made the mistake of asking them both on engagement day when she was extremely happy and emotional and had just been in one of their weddings a few months prior. They were really not that great of friends to begin with, only known each other a couple years and worked together, the 2nd girl was best friends with the 1st and are inseperable so she probably just asked them both as part of a package deal. In any case, their initial enthusiasm was short lasted, they skipped anything related to the wedding, never wanted to talk about it, etc. My wife stressed about this for months. I was originally of the opinion that well, you asked them, live with it, you don't drop BM's because they don't care about your wedding as much as you do. She ultimately told them both she'd prefer they not be bridesmaids and to let her know when she could come pick up the dresses they had never gotten fitted for. She explained she'd like to remain friends even though that could be difficult given the situation, and would love to still have them attend the wedding if they'd like. After that was done, she was dramatically happier about everything, and seeing how much of a burden was lifted from her emotionally, now I'm happy to fly in the face of etiquitte and say if it gets to that point, go ahead and drop them; the emotional toll on you is not worth making people on the Etiquitte board happy.

The summary is that 'demoting' them will ruin the friendship, but it's sounding like it's already ruined, so no harm if that's the case.

EmiliaC01 · January 2013

I hope she showed up yesterday...

mbenoit03 · January 2013

I agree with vegasgroom great advise I am going thru something similar u really find out who ur true friends are during the planning stage! Ur friend should know this is one of the most important days of ur life an she shouldnt add more stress by ignoring u

jkr41271 · January 2013

Surprise..she showed up for the fitting. While we were there I discussed with her the expectation of me paying for her to get to Vegas and she did say she believes that it is the right thing for me to do. I explained to her that when I asked her to be my BM I told her she would be responsible for transportation and lodging. She said she was excited that I asked her she didn't even think it through. I told her that I would love for her to be apart of my wedding but it is not in my budget to get her there and accommodate her. She said she cannot be certain if she's coming then. I indicated that the friendship is worth more than anything and I would understand if she could not make it.
Now I hope she just doesn't wait till last minute to make the decision.

vegasgroom · January 2013

Yeah I still think that's pretty crazy of an assumption to make; I mean sure it would be nice, but how many times do you hear of someone flying their entire bridal party and guests to a destination? Hopefully she'll do the right thing and be there.

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