unannounced pregnancy

CristyT1222 · March 2012

I have 5 bridesmaids, and I just found out that one of them is pregnant. I don't know how far along she is, but I do know she hasn't told anyone besides the other bridesmaids. Here's my issue...this bridesmaid hasn't helped at all in the planning process for the bridal shower and keeps making excuses as to why she can't meet up with the other girls. I just found out that now she's not coming to the bachelorette party because she's pregnant, and I'm just waiting to hear that she's not coming to the bridal shower. If she doesn't show up at the bridal shower, I feel I need to say something to her but don't know if I should. We're also worried that now, depending how far along she is, she may not fit into her dress 8 weeks from now. How do I handle this situation???

caterpillar85 · March 2012

Bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything but have on a dress and be there the day of.
Fitting in the dress might be a bit of a problem but if it's just 2 months it should be okay as long as she didn't get a super fitted dress. If she can't fit in it then give her the option of getting another similar dress, or try to alter it.

A baby is more important to her than your wedding, so please don't make her feel like crap because she got prego before your wedding.

Don't talk to her about being absent during your parties, like I said, they aren't mandatory. Just let it go.

gabriel0915 · March 2012

Honestly, just from reading other posts in the past there isn't much you can do. She doesn't HAVE to do anything for your wedding and you can't kick her out. If she doesn't go to the B.P then she doesn't go. You can talk to her and make sure she is ok and about her pregnancy and not your wedding because even though she's in it, her baby is her highest priority right now. But as far as kicking her out or anything, you just can't do that. Sorry. Good luck with your situation

CristyT1222 · March 2012

I can see your point, but what if she announces her pregnancy at my wedding or bridal shower?

gabriel0915 · March 2012

Then she announces it. If she's polite she won't but some people are happy and want to tell other people. Most people will be focusing on you and your wedding, that's why they are there. You'll be fine

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:3778b91e-d524-40d8-9383-6464a8303cf7">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]Bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything but have on a dress and be there the day of. Fitting in the dress might be a bit of a problem but if it's just 2 months it should be okay as long as she didn't get a super fitted dress. If she can't fit in it then give her the option of getting another similar dress, or try to alter it. A baby is more important to her than your wedding, so please don't make her feel like crap because she got prego before your wedding. Don't talk to her about being absent during your parties, like I said, they aren't mandatory. Just let it go.
Posted by caterpillar85[/QUOTE]

This!

When I first asked my bridal party, one of the girls was trying to get pregnant. At first I was a little nervous that she'd be timed to "pop" right around the wedding and I stressed over it...but then I stepped back and put myself in her shoes. I would be really sad if one of my friends didn't ask me b/c I was trying to/already was pregnant. Baby trumps wedding.

Also, as disappointing as it is that she isn't active in planning and attending parties, she doesn't HAVE to do anything. 2 of my BM (FSILs) live across the state. They are coming to the shower my aunts are throwing back home, but probably won't be at my bachelorette party or involved in organizing anything. It is what it is. They will have their dresses on and be standing up with me on my wedding day, and that's really all they need to do.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

PS. A pregnant girl can certainly come to a bachelorette party and have a good time, but on the flip side, it might suck for them to hang out at a bar...it depends on the person. All you can do is reiterate to her that you'd love to have her there if she can make it and feels comfortable. If she is newly pregnant, she might be dealing with a lot of nausea or fatigue and might not be up for it. Just be a supportive friend, whatever her choice.

CristyT1222 · March 2012

funny you say that, she's the cousin of my fiance so half the people invited are her family

MiksChick23 · March 2012

Then celebrate with her. I don't think its the end of the world...yes, maybe a little rude to announce her news at your event, but...people will move on to watch you open your gifts or celebrate your day.

KappaK · March 2012

One of my BMs announced she was pregnant at my bacheloerette party. It really isn't a big deal. She's not going to steal you thunder. Be happy for her and be a good friend/family member.

Girlie1030 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:ae7256af-cd1c-4488-9071-afb1f6cbea3d">unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 5 bridesmaids, and I just found out that one of them is pregnant. I don't know how far along she is, but I do know she hasn't told anyone besides the other bridesmaids. Here's my issue...this bridesmaid hasn't helped at all in the planning process for the bridal shower and keeps making excuses as to why she can't meet up with the other girls. I just found out that now she's not coming to the bachelorette party because she's pregnant, and I'm just waiting to hear that she's not coming to the bridal shower. If she doesn't show up at the bridal shower, I feel I need to say something to her but don't know if I should. We're also worried that now, depending how far along she is, she may not fit into her dress 8 weeks from now. How do I handle this situation???
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

The only real concern is the dress and even that's not a big deal. Alterations can be done if needed.

TiffannieF · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:ae7256af-cd1c-4488-9071-afb1f6cbea3d">unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 5 bridesmaids, and I just found out that one of them is pregnant. I don't know how far along she is, but I do know she hasn't told anyone besides the other bridesmaids. <strong>Here's my <u><em>issue</em></u>...this bridesmaid hasn't helped at all in the planning process for the bridal shower and keeps making excuses as to why she can't meet up with the other girls</strong>.<font color="#ff0000"> How is this an issue. The maid in bridesmaid doesn't mean your servant, it means a young woman. It's an honor not a job she is not obligated to anything pre-wedding. Not to mention, if she is showing and wanting to keep the pregnancy on the DL she probably ignoring so no one can ask. </font> <strong>I just found out that now she's not coming to the bachelorette party because she's pregnant,</strong> <font color="#ff0000">I don't see why that should prevent her from going to a b-party but to maybe she won't feel comfortable. </font> <strong>and I'm just waiting to hear that she's not coming to the bridal shower</strong>. <font color="#ff0000">Once again, she is not obligated. Although it would be unfortunate the important thing is to be there on the wedding day.</font> If she doesn't show up at the bridal shower, I feel I need to say something to her but don't know if I should. We're also worried that now, depending how far along she is, she may not fit into her dress 8 weeks from now. How do I handle this situation???
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

If she hasn't told you then I would let her approach you about the situation. She might get really upset if you say something to her and finds out this (or these) BM are 'gossiping' behind her back.

The worse that will happen is her dress won't fit (dresses typically can be let out 2 sizes, btw) and she won't be able to be in the WP, if that happens then oh well. It's not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it.

TiffannieF · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:19914255-206a-43bb-9b76-ec113083e39a">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see your point, but what if she announces her pregnancy at my wedding or bridal shower?
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

I want you to think about this...seriously.

Is she going to grab the microphone at the wedding and say "Congrats CristyT and H....I'm pregnant!"...I highly doubt it.

What if she says something at the BS? What is the worse that will happen? People will be excited for her, of course, as you should as well. But when the games start and the gifts are open the attention goes back to you...it doesn't switch from a bridal shower to a baby shower.

Try not to worry about things that you have no control over. Seriously, it really makes everything much worse.

jerzmom114 · March 2012

I have 2 pregnant BM's in our WP..one is my sister, one is his. One is about to pop, the other just found out she is pregnant but is rapidly gaining weight and is pregnant with twins. We dealt with alterations, and they look amazing on them. And IMO, is she did chose to "comeout" with her pregnancy news at one of your parties, so what? She is your bridesmaid because she is close to you and your FI and I would think you would want to celebrate with her and be happy, regardless if it took the attention off of you for a few minutes .
As far as the parties go, your wedding will never be as imporant to anyone else but you and your FI, it is just a fact. people have things going on in thier own lives, and it is quite possible that she has things she needs to do, or maybe she doesnt feel well, etc..she isnt "required" to help with any of it, besides get a dress n show up on the day of the wedding. I would let it go, be happy for whatever help she may offer, and celebrate her pregnancy.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:19914255-206a-43bb-9b76-ec113083e39a">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see your point, but what if she announces her pregnancy at my wedding or bridal shower?
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

<div>Then you kick her in the stomach and push her down the stairs. </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, what is the matter with you? Are you so attention starved that you can't handle a someone else's pregnancy? </div>

ElisabethJoanne · March 2012

I agree with the consensus.

If she's making life difficult for the other bridesmaids (promised to help or contribute money, backed out), maybe you need to very carefully step in. But mostly that'd be letting her and the other bridesmaids know it's OK that she not help if she doesn't want to, she just needs to be up-front about what she's up for.

As for announcing the pregnancy, I never understand the concern. She's not going to steal the microphone to make her announcement, then insist on some new-mon+new-dad dance, then toss her bridesmaid bouquet to all the women of childbearing age. If she chooses, she will quietly inform the others at the events whom she knows that she's pregnant, just like she would a new any other news - a new job, a new car, a dead car. Sure, a pregnancy is more exciting than a new car, but bridal showers and wedding receptions are structured to keep attention on the bride. At most, they'll be a few seconds of squeals around her before everyone is oohing and ahhing over you again.

Maggie0829 · March 2012

Wow, just wow...::head desk::

klar4230 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:de4fef5e-102d-44aa-b348-48a0836081ac">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, just wow...::head desk::
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>This!</div><div>
</div><div>My future SIL is pregnant and I knew they were trying...she will have had the baby before our wedding though. It still wouldn't have mattered if she was going to still be pregnant or had just found out they were expecting...I wouldn't have asked her to not be in the bridal party! </div>

smilesavy · March 2012

I asked my bridesmaids very early into my wedding planning because I knew I had been friends with each of them for 5-30 years and I knew I wouldn't want to stand up and start my new life without them next to me. I knew there was a possiblity each and every one of them could be pregnant..but guess what...they are women....women get pregnant...if you didn't want any bellies in your wedding then maybe you should have picked men for your bridemaids....One of my bridemaids did end up getting pregnant as is due 6 weeks before my wedding. She is actually scheduled for a c-section 2 days after my shower....do i care that she will not be at my bachelorette party and possibly not my shower...absoutely NOT...because she is welcoming a child into this world. I want her to do what she needs to do to keep her and that baby happy, healthy and safe!!!!! That is what you need to want for your friend...

CristyT1222 · March 2012

Just to clear things up, I wasn't thinking of kicking her out of the BP, pregnant or not. Obviously everyone reading the post isn't going to know the background of the whole situation. There is a lot of animosity towards this girl (my future cousin) for other reasons outside of the wedding, so that's probably where my disappointment is stemming from. None of the issues started to pop up until after I asked her to be in the BP...if they had started happening before, I probably wouldn't have asked her. But either way, i'm not regretting that I asked her. I'm more disappointed than anything because she seemed so excited at first to be a BM but since then has shown little interest. I'm more upset because she's causing the other BMs stress. She makes promises she doesn't keep. I agree with all of you that there is no obligation to do anything HOWEVER, if you make promises and say that you WILL HELP, then you should follow through. Any of you that are taking this as me being an attention grabber, that's not the case at all, like I said, a lot of it comes from issues within the family - OUTSIDE OF THE WEDDING.

Looking back at my original post and seeing all of the responses, I do agree that it is not as big of a deal as it originally seemed. I posted this immediately after I found out about the pregnancy from another BM and I was initially in shock (again for other reasons that have nothing to do with the wedding). As long as she shows up to the wedding and we can get her dress altered, I know everything will be fine.

I felt I needed to explain myself since everyone commenting seemed to be attacking me when all the information isn't being laid out. I'm not the attention queen you think I am, and I am happy for her being pregnant. Like I said, no one else knows the behind-the-scenes drama that doesn't involve the wedding. That is no excuse by any means, I should keep wedding stuff and outside influences separate. But for anyone that has had similar issues with family, they will know it is not that easy. So I apologize for being so "harsh" in the beginning. I AM happy for her pregnancy and I do wish her the best. I guess it just comes down to disappointment.

em01092 · March 2012

Just lower your expectations of a BM. She is only required to show up in a dress and smile for pictures. Showers, parties, etc are optional, and she is not a bad BM for not being interested.

However, I agree it is wrong for people to promise things and fall through (save an emergency) if they have no intent of doing it and are just saying it to say it. It sucks. I have a family member like this. I've just learned when she promises my birthday present is coming/in the mail/left it at her house, not to be surprised when it doesn't ever show up.

SugarFoote · March 2012

a) The only requirement of a BM is to show up on the wedding day in their dress, preferably sober.
b) Why are you so concerned about her announcing her pregnancy at your shower? You said she hasn't told anyone else except for the other maids. Therefore, I seem to think if she was going to announce it publicly, she would have already done so. And if you are so worried about her stealing all the attention away from you, then why exactly is she a BM? If she did announce it, who cares? It's not going to ruin anything. You should be happy for her.

Like a PP stated, her pregnancy is WAY more important to HER than YOUR wedding.

c) Don't make her wear a tight dress, give her other options.

d) Chilll the hell out.

CristyT1222 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:3a52d824-49a8-4dc7-8c5d-d29c444dcc45">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]a) The only requirement of a BM is to show up on the wedding day in their dress, preferably sober. b) Why are you so concerned about her announcing her pregnancy at your shower? You said she hasn't told anyone else except for the other maids. Therefore, I seem to think if she was going to announce it publicly, she would have already done so. And if you are so worried about her stealing all the attention away from you, then why exactly is she a BM? If she did announce it, who cares? It's not going to ruin anything. You should be happy for her. Like a PP stated, her pregnancy is WAY more important to HER than YOUR wedding. c) Don't make her wear a tight dress, give her other options. d) Chilll the hell out.
Posted by SugarFoote[/QUOTE]

obviously you didn't read my latest post. and try not being so nasty next time you comment on someone's thread. I posted this question immediately after hearing of the pregnancy so I was still in shock and not thinking rationally yet. After thinking about it, it's not a big deal like I made it out to be. And again i'll say that I am not upset because she's possibly going to "steal my attention" - that has nothing to do with it, regardless of how it sounded. And as for the dress, my wedding is 7 weeks away, the dresses are already bought and she is newly pregnant so we're hoping any increase in size will be able to be taken care of by a tailor. So, like I said before, try reading the entire story before attacking someone on their threads. I admitted to sounding "harsh" and I know it's not a huge deal. I am happy for her and it will not make me feel any differently about her.

SugarFoote · March 2012

I don't feel that my post was "nasty" nor do I feel that I "attacked" you in anyway.

ETA: I said nothing that hadn't already been mentioned. If anyone is doing any atttacking, it is you.

CristyT1222 · March 2012

ok

Belle0000 · March 2012

BMs get pregnant all of the time (3/5 of mine are), and tailors/bridal shops are more than used to handling alterations for a pregnant BM. If she hasn't announced it, then she probably isn't that far along, and she won't make a huge change in dress sizes in the next 7 weeks. I wouldn't say anything to her until she tells you directly that she's pregnant.

You shouldn't worry about her "announcing" it at your shower. It wouldn't be polite, but she's the one who would look impolite if she did. Even if half the guests are her family...half aren't.

jemmini6 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:09c81908-651a-4d50-b01a-f42c6853384e">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clear things up, I wasn't thinking of kicking her out of the BP, pregnant or not. Obviously everyone reading the post isn't going to know the background of the whole situation. There is a lot of animosity towards this girl (my future cousin) for other reasons outside of the wedding, so that's probably where my disappointment is stemming from. None of the issues started to pop up until after I asked her to be in the BP...if they had started happening before, I probably wouldn't have asked her. But either way, i'm not regretting that I asked her. I'm more disappointed than anything because she seemed so excited at first to be a BM but since then has shown little interest. I'm more upset because she's causing the other BMs stress. She makes promises she doesn't keep. I agree with all of you that there is no obligation to do anything HOWEVER, if you make promises and say that you WILL HELP, then you should follow through. Any of you that are taking this as me being an attention grabber, that's not the case at all, like I said, a lot of it comes from issues within the family - OUTSIDE OF THE WEDDING. Looking back at my original post and seeing all of the responses, I do agree that it is not as big of a deal as it originally seemed. I posted this immediately after I found out about the pregnancy from another BM and I was initially in shock (again for other reasons that have nothing to do with the wedding). As long as she shows up to the wedding and we can get her dress altered, I know everything will be fine. <strong>I felt I needed to explain myself since everyone commenting seemed to be attacking me when all the information isn't being laid out.</strong> I'm not the attention queen you think I am, and I am happy for her being pregnant. Like I said, no one else knows the behind-the-scenes drama that doesn't involve the wedding. That is no excuse by any means, I should keep wedding stuff and outside influences separate. But for anyone that has had similar issues with family, they will know it is not that easy. So I apologize for being so "harsh" in the beginning. I AM happy for her pregnancy and I do wish her the best. I guess it just comes down to disappointment.
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

How else do you expect people to comment? We can only respond based on what is posted, and based on what you posted, it seemed like you were worried about her stealing your thunder and that she's being a lame BM because she's pregnant.

We appreciate follow ups and more info when you feel you aren't being understood correctly, but I'm still feeling like you are just making a bigger deal of this than is necessary and not being completely honest with yourself. You say the annimosity comes from outside of the wedding, yet you still complained about her not helping, not attending your b-party or shower, etc...that's a lot of WR complaints for this news to be disappointing in a NWR way...

Basically, she's only responsible for getting the dress and showing up, pregnant or not. She has no obligation to help you plan anything for your wedding, she has no obligation to attend any pre-wedding parties. Granted, yes, it's annoying when someone promises to do something and then doesn't follow through, but that doesn't mean she's a crap bridesmaid. Obviously, she just found out she has more important responsibilites, so that could explain her backing out of some of those promises now. Her child is definitely more important to her than your wedding, so you can't really hold any grudges about this.

Moral of the story...this is nothing to get upset about. She's pregnant, tell her congrats, plan for any alterations she might need, and go one with your wedding as planned and enjoy it!

SugarFoote · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:9c14fb18-438c-4366-b5f3-2500838ec0cc">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: unannounced pregnancy : obviously you didn't read my latest post. and try not being so nasty next time you comment on someone's thread. I posted this question immediately after hearing of the pregnancy so I was still in shock and not thinking rationally yet. After thinking about it, it's not a big deal like I made it out to be. <strong> And again i'll say that I am not upset because she's possibly going to "steal my attention" - that has nothing to do with it, regardless of how it sounded. </strong><font color="#ff0000">If it has nothing to do with it, then please explain the reason for this post.</font> <strong>And as for the dress, my wedding is 7 weeks away, the dresses are already bought and she is newly pregnant so we're hoping any increase in size will be able to be taken care of by a tailor.</strong> <font color="#ff0000">If you already knew this, then once again, please explain the reason of this post.</font> So, like I said before, try reading the entire story before attacking someone on their threads. I admitted to sounding "harsh" and I know it's not a huge deal. <strong> I am happy for her and it will not make me feel any differently about her.</strong><font color="#ff0000"> ...? Do I seriously need to ask the question for a third time?</font>
Posted by CristyT1222[/QUOTE]

I think you crave attention.

SugarFoote · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unannounced-pregnancy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:896f1a16-9155-41dc-822e-06222cf6e308Post:c6907941-3daf-48b7-a420-cac04b8154c9">Re: unannounced pregnancy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: unannounced pregnancy : How else do you expect people to comment? We can only respond based on what is posted, and based on what you posted, it seemed like you were worried about her stealing your thunder and that she's being a lame BM because she's pregnant. We appreciate follow ups and more info when you feel you aren't being understood correctly, but I'm still feeling like you are just making a bigger deal of this than is necessary and not being completely honest with yourself. You say the annimosity comes from outside of the wedding, yet you still complained about her not helping, not attending your b-party or shower, etc...that's a lot of WR complaints for this news to be disappointing in a NWR way... Basically, she's only responsible for getting the dress and showing up, pregnant or not. She has no obligation to help you plan anything for your wedding, she has no obligation to attend any pre-wedding parties. Granted, yes, it's annoying when someone promises to do something and then doesn't follow through, but that doesn't mean she's a crap bridesmaid. Obviously, she just found out she has more important responsibilites, so that could explain her backing out of some of those promises now. Her child is definitely more important to her than your wedding, so you can't really hold any grudges about this. Moral of the story...this is nothing to get upset about. She's pregnant, tell her congrats, plan for any alterations she might need, and go one with your wedding as planned and enjoy it!
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

bmcollins14 · March 2012

Baby does beat wedding however she should keep you updated on her status and what she is and is not able to help with. preferrably in person or over the phone and not, say, by text message.

unannounced pregnancy

Re: unannounced pregnancy

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