HELP!! Maid of honor question

mashley315 · April 2010

I have a huge issue on my hand right now with my Sister being the Matron of honor and my best friend being my made of honor. My sister is crushed by this decision, which is never what I had intended to do. I love them both deeply, but my best friend is involved in my everyday life and my sister trys to but honestly, she never wants to hear about any wedding plans and almost gets annoyed. I have expressed my feelings to her about why I chose two MOH but she is still very angry with me and hurt. She has told me to either tell my other MOH to step down to bridesmaid or she will!! I refuse to tell my best friend this, exspecially because she is the only one who is honestly supporting me through all of the craziness right now. Im at a lost at what to do, I will be hurt if my sister steps down but either way its going to be a messy situation. PLEASE GIVE ME ANY ADVICE ON THIS because honestly Im at a lose right now and its made me slow down on the wedding plans because it gets me so worked up when I think about it.

trix1223 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:adfe12a4-fcbf-4f71-80a5-9708e7382583Post:c1766137-9253-4a52-9dd9-dbce408ba61d">HELP!! Maid of honor question</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a huge issue on my hand right now with my Sister being the Matron of honor and my best friend being my made of honor. My sister is crushed by this decision, which is never what I had intended to do. I love them both deeply, but my best friend is involved in my everyday life and my sister trys to but honestly, she never wants to hear about any wedding plans and almost gets annoyed. I have expressed my feelings to her about why I chose two MOH but she is still very angry with me and hurt. She has told me to either tell my other MOH to step down to bridesmaid or she will!! I refuse to tell my best friend this, exspecially because she is the only one who is honestly supporting me through all of the craziness right now. Im at a lost at what to do, I will be hurt if my sister steps down but either way its going to be a messy situation. PLEASE GIVE ME ANY ADVICE ON THIS because honestly Im at a lose right now and its made me slow down on the wedding plans because it gets me so worked up when I think about it.
Posted by mashley315[/QUOTE]

Well, your first mistake was thinking that you needed a MOH to helpl you plan your wedding. Because that's not at all their role. But that ship has left the dock.

Frankly, I think your sister is being ridiculous. I'd call her bluff: "I'm still having two honor attendants. I'm sorry that you feel you can't be in the WP because of that. I'll miss having you stand with me on our wedding day."

If she quits, you'll know where her priorities are. If she doesn't, you'll be ready for the next empty threat she tosses your way.

quotequeen · April 2010

Your sister is being a brat, but you can't control other people. You can only control how you react to them. Tell your sister that you love her and you want her standing next to you, but if she can't stand the way you've chosen to have your wedding party, and she wants to step down, you will understand. It's sad that she's acting that way, but it doesn't help anything to get all worked up about it.

sameagan · April 2010

I think that the last comment was a little harsh... Having your MOH help with the wedding is perfectly fine. Your party is there to do anything that you need them to... That means supporting you through the planning process (what your friend is doing in this situation) helping you make invites, programs, planning your party as well as the million other things that go into wedding.

Having your sister in your party is obviously very important to you, I completely understand my only sister is in mine as well, but she needs to realize that it is your wedding and not hers. You asked her to stand up next to you and the title doesn't matter. Even if she says that she is stepping down in the end you are the one who gets to label everyone in your party, so make sure that in in your programs or in your thank yous you mention her as a MOH.

I'm sure when the wedding day comes around she will grow up enough to know that there is room for everyone and that the title doesn't matter. Just keep talking to her and telling her how important it is that she is in the wedding and hopefully she will get off her high horse and understand the reason for the wedding... you and your future husband!

trix1223 · April 2010

Thanks, psi. You saved me some typing.

sam: your WP's "duties" begin and end with the ceremony. Their role is to wear the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the pictures. Your wedding=YOURS and your FI's to plan and execute.

A WP DOES NOT have to go venue shopping, dinner tasting, cake tasting, or bride's dress shopping. They DO NOT have to make favors, address envelopes, stuff envelopes, arrange flowers, create CPs,programs, or make or deliver OOT bags to hotels. They DO NOT have to chauffeur guests to and from the airport, decorate the venue, find a dj or photographer, or research honeymoons.

Sam: you've fallen prey to the wedding magazines, websites, and tv shows that have silly, silly lists of "duties". Stop believing in them. You'll save some friendships.

mashley315 · April 2010

Thanks for the advice everyone, and honestly I would never expect anyone in my bridal party to be my slave or do anything extra for me, you guys are right in the fact that its OUR wedding and we need to do the planning and errands. But my sister is so annoyed with even discussing the wedding with me, I never bring it up on purpose, only to avoid a conflict. She is so jealous of me getting married because it is what she has always wanted. But in retrospect she is married and did have a nice wedding but had to plan it in two months bc she was pregnant.
All I need right now is someone to listen to me, listen to me vent and offer suggestions. I feel if I make the wrong move on this one there will always be a wall between my sister and I and that is the last thing I would ever want. I dont plan on having my friend back down, but at the same time Im at a lose with this situation. Its causing me so much stress and anxiety on top of my already overwhelming stress.
Do you think I should give her a time limit on when she has to give me a definant answer? I dont like not knowing and its also a pain for the other girls.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

If your sister is serious about stepping down, let her. The one who isn't giving you an ultimatum about YOUR wedding party is the one who'll be there for you in the end. If you kick her out, you'll look like a bitch; let your sister make a fool of herself and try not to let it bother you.

526SadieSadie · April 2010

Sam, the distinction is that in your family everyone lends a hand because they WANT to, they don't HAVE TO as part of some imaginary list of duties for the wedding party or surrounding family members. Whenever I'm planning on doing wedding stuff, I let my girls know and if they are available and/or feel like coming over to help out, they are welcome to and we have a fun afternoon hanging out and they get some free food out of the deal. Agreeing to be in a wedding party doesn't mean that you have to drop your entire life and all of your interests to help the bride and groom.

RandiLakin · April 2010

Oh i totally agree with Sam!! I have had several people let me borrow etiquette books and planners and i bought one myself. (i have 4) and each one of them outlines the duties of the MOH, BM, GM, BRIDE, MOB....etc. There is no way i could do this alone. My FI wants nothing to do with wedding stuff says just tell him the date. time. and what to wear!! haha. Occassionally he'll throw in an opinion. I could not do this without my mom, cousin, and best friend!! if they aren't suppose to do anything but stand there where did buying them gifts come from?? I was always under the impression it was for them helping you.

Tertia33 · April 2010

Okay, I guess I'm confused. The title Maid of Honor and the title Matron of Honor are the same. One is married, one isn't. What's the issue with that? Tell your sister to get married and then she can have that title. I don't understand why you feel that someone should be a matron/maid of honor just because they helped the most with your wedding planning. That's not their role. One of my bridesmaids is helping the most in my wedding. But, my very close sister and cousin are both my matrons of honor. They will help do other things for the wedding but more importantly they are matrons of honor because of our personal relationship and their relationships with my fiance. Hope that clears it all up for you. By the way, I have been told by former brides that when planning your wedding, all the crazies, jealousy, envy and haters come out to play. Prepare yourself and have tough skin. Let everything roll off your back, even if your sister decides to drop out. Don't let it get you down.

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:adfe12a4-fcbf-4f71-80a5-9708e7382583Post:f6590b85-493b-4c65-84b1-7ee120cc66c5">Re: HELP!! Maid of honor question</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh i totally agree with Sam!! I have had several people let me borrow etiquette books and planners and i bought one myself. (i have 4) and each one of them outlines the duties of the MOH, BM, GM, BRIDE, MOB....etc. There is no way i could do this alone. My FI wants nothing to do with wedding stuff says just tell him the date. time. and what to wear!! haha. Occassionally he'll throw in an opinion. I could not do this without my mom, cousin, and best friend!! if they aren't suppose to do anything but stand there where did buying them gifts come from?? I was always under the impression it was for them helping you.
Posted by RandiLakin[/QUOTE]
Nope - you are buying them presents because they took the entire weekend out of their lives, put on a slightly horrible dress, walked down the aisle with you and because you love them. Sorry!

apaadzzzz · April 2010

I am not a fan of ultimatums. I would refuse to listen to your sisters ridiculous demands. There is nothing wrong with honoring 2 people. I probably wouldn't have told your sister it was bc you felt your BF was more supportive than she is, but that you just really want to be able to honor the both of them. I would tell her that and if she steps down she steps down, but that would be pretty immature of her. She's acting like a child her has to have her way or no way at all.

heather_shadow · May 2010

Both positions are equally important. They need to be aware of how important each of them is to you.

kirieli923 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:adfe12a4-fcbf-4f71-80a5-9708e7382583Post:2769625c-795e-45b1-a279-b802f428a617">Re: HELP!! Maid of honor question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP!! Maid of honor question : Nope - you are buying them presents because they took the entire weekend out of their lives, put on a slightly horrible dress, walked down the aisle with you and because you love them. Sorry!
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

This is actually in response to the whole discussion of "duties" including the comment that their duties begin and end with the wedding day.

People throw around a lot of "traditionally" and very hard and fast rules on these boards, and I think there are some more general things to consider in this case.

1. You asked people to be in your WP because they were friends and loved ones - ie - people who would probably have supported you by listening to you talk about your plans and help you out when you were in a bind regardless. I know that the girls in my WP would help me when I really needed help whether it was for the wedding or for anything else important simply because that's what we do for each other. So, really, they aren't going to be performing any "duties" beyond what friendship might prompt them to do anyway.
2. Everyone has a choice of whether or not they want to be in your wedding party. If they don't want to help or aren't excited enough about your wedding to want to hear about it, they can say no. No one "has" to be in the wedding party.
3. Make your choices about what you ask of your wedding party based on what you know or think they will expect. Don't worry so much about what the books say or what people on forums say. I know that my girls don't expect to be running errands for me but that they'd be okay helping me with last minute details or helping other guests out on the day of the wedding. But clearly other people and other areas of the world have very different traditions. Go with what makes sense for you and your WP.

Oh, and Andy got it dead-on right about gifts though - you're buying them gifts because you love them. Maybe its also because they helped you out a TON or just because they were willing to get the dress and get to your wedding, but regardless, you asked them to be in your party because you love them, so you're getting them gifts because you love them - WP or not.

michaela080 · May 2010

Just avoid the whole issue and don't have a wedding party at all, like us!

cukimerrydoll · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:adfe12a4-fcbf-4f71-80a5-9708e7382583Post:035feaa5-4f9f-4cfb-a7db-4b540b915305">Re: HELP!! Maid of honor question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, psi. You saved me some typing. sam: your WP's "duties" begin and end with the ceremony. Their role is to wear the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the pictures. Your wedding=YOURS and your FI's to plan and execute. A WP DOES NOT have to go venue shopping, dinner tasting, cake tasting, or bride's dress shopping. They DO NOT have to make favors, address envelopes, stuff envelopes, arrange flowers, create CPs,programs, or make or deliver OOT bags to hotels. They DO NOT have to chauffeur guests to and from the airport, decorate the venue, find a dj or photographer, or research honeymoons. Sam: you've fallen prey to the wedding magazines, websites, and tv shows that have silly, silly lists of "duties". Stop believing in them. You'll save some friendships.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
This.
[QUOTE]If your sister is serious about stepping down, let her. The one who isn't giving you an ultimatum about YOUR wedding party is the one who'll be there for you in the end. If you kick her out, you'll look like a bitch; let your sister make a fool of herself and try not to let it bother you. [/QUOTE]
This.
[QUOTE]Nope - you are buying them presents because they took the entire weekend out of their lives, put on a slightly horrible dress, walked down the aisle with you and because you love them. Sorry! [/QUOTE]
And this. Except for the horrible dress part. But in my case, they are still purchasing thier $100+ dresses, so a thank you is warranted anyway.

Nothing is required of anyone in your WP except to show up on time. Everything else is optional. The "etiquette" books give guidelines if they WANT to help, not for duties to be forced into.

Oh, and I almost never side with a person giving an ultimatum. In rare cases I will (don't drink, or hand over your keys is a reasonable one), but those are typically more safety issues than relationship ones. Those should be handled through discussion - might I recommend coffee?

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

I know I bought my WP gifts because I was appreciative of them being in the wedding. The ones that offered extra help got a separate thanks for that, and not all of those people were in the wedding itself.

The etiquette books are telling bridesmaids the sort of things they should offer to help with. They're not telling brides what they should be demanding of their attendants. There's a big difference between people offering assistance and people being conscripted into service for The Bride.

caitm730 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_maid-of-honor-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:adfe12a4-fcbf-4f71-80a5-9708e7382583Post:7fed3287-fc75-4e1e-9b00-1dc32cc45292">Re: HELP!! Maid of honor question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I was raised differently, but when anyone in my family gets married everyone around them INCLUDING the BM and GM! help. My party assumed immediately that they would be coming with my FH and I to tastings, fitting, as well as helping us with the details leading up to the wedding. We always make it fun so they never mind... It's not like I am forcing them to participate. We asked if they wanted to stand up and if they knew they would be too busy they would have said no... no questions asked. P.S. if my friendships were weak enough that they would end over some silly wedding crap then I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have asked them to stand up!
Posted by sameagan[/QUOTE]

I agree. The WP does have some duties other than showing up on the day of the wedding and standing there. I'm not saying that they should be slaves, but if a bride needs help with something, it's not unreasonable for her to ask her bridesmaids. I guess I'm lucky because my bridesmaids have volunteered to help with things like invitations, programs, and favors. They actually WANT to be involved. Sometimes I feel bad because they are always asking how they can help and I don't have anything for them to do! They're almost as excited about the wedding as I am. You'll know if you've choosen the right people to be in your WP because they will care enough to WANT to be involved. That's just how I see it.

veneeta23 · May 2010

My advice to you is that u can not make everybody happy and if ur sis is going to give u an automaton like that instead of being happy that she gets to participate in ur special day then let her step down. She will still be in the wedding but as a bm.

Beachy730 · May 2010

I may have read your post wrong, but I took it as your sister is married and woud be the matron of honor (which the only difference between maid and matron is that when the person is married it is a matron and single is a maid), and your friend would be the maid of honor. And you said she threatened to only step down to a bridesmaid, not completely out of your WP. If you have 2 really close people and one is married it is a nice way to honor both of them. In a way I can understand why your sister is upset since she probably always thought she would be the maid or matron of honor for you and wouldn't have to share that role. But other than that, she needs to get over it since it is your day, and if you want 2 people there as your honor attendants then so be it. I would never ask my friend to step down from the role because of someone else's selfish demands, especially since they are DEMANDS! I would try and talk reasonably to her. And maybe you could split up certain duties to each of them and be specific. Like have your friend be the one to adjust your train at the ceremony, and your sister sign as a witness, or something else. Maybe if you talk to her and explain that they are sharing duties on the day she will take it a little better.

Jenabenna · May 2010

OMG! My sister was 18 and had just graduated in the middle of the final months of planning; then she had to move to school like less than a week after our wedding. SHE WAS THE BIGGEST BRAT THE WHOLE TIME!

She in fact told me "Thanks for ruining my senior year!" and I responded "You're welcome!"

I honestly don't know if she could have tried harder to be a brat. There were so many rude and bitchy text messages the whole year before the wedding. I could have planned my wedding in a month with no stress but my family did their best to drive me insane and make everything so hard! I even had 20 months to plan my wedding and they still managed to be difficult. Everything that had to do with the bridesmaids my little sister had an opinion on and wanted to change!

BUT on the wedding day they were mostly helpful and I can only think of very few times when I had to be snippy to get them to do something. I made my sisters the maids of honor and every one else was just a bridesmaid. I knew it didn't mean that much to my best friend to be the maid of honor. She was just glad to be in the wedding.

Honestly if it is normal to fight with your sister then she will get over it. If not then just tell her your friend isn't the maid of honor anymore. She wont know for sure until the day of the wedding when she sees the program. Hopefully she is mature enough to just get over it by that point.

HELP!! Maid of honor question

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