Must get this out... or my brain might explode!

Lisa50 · April 2011

Background. My dad (90) is a stubborn mule, most decidedly with regard to using a walker. He has taken many trips to the E.R. for fall-related injuries, including head and face lacerations, fractured spine and a torn rotator cuff. Until a couple of months ago, these E.R. trips were spaced out about every 6 to 8 weeks. As of February, the frequency increased to about 1x/10 days to 2 weeks. He even fell on an interstate when getting out to change his tire. Ugh. My mother (79) has Alzheimer's and is dependent upon my father for care.

They live alone at home and despite my (and family and friends') begging, refuse to transition to assisted living nor will they agree to get in-home help. My mother, at 105 lbs, has actually become the care-taker. A wicked reversal.

Fast Forward. Last week, my father fell (twice) in one day. I learned he'd been taken to the E.R. by his next door neighbor, who drove to my home (about 15 minutes away) to let me know. Dad suffered a collapsed lung, had a chest tube in for several days and yesterday, was discharged to a rehab facility. My mom has been with me and my son since -- she is extremely disoriented (out of her environment), agitated, etc. Most of the time, she does not know who we are and begs to go home. I have no more tears left. *sigh*

Today. I will meet with a private social worker to get some help/feedback on best next steps. After that, I will meet with the social worker at the rehab center to get filled in on dad's treatment plan. However, my first step is to get my dad to list me as Emergency Contact. Apparently, he listed my mom when he went into the E.R. and the rehab center is following that paperwork to the letter (mind you, the hospital recognized that conversing with someone who has Alzheimer's about his care was a lose-lose situation) and quickly changed course.

Calgon ... take me away!!!! Is it any wonder I haven't gotten around to ordering the wedding invitations?? My son has been great, taking on much more than most his age could deal with. My FI has been awesome as well ... with more patience and kindness than anyone could ever ask for. I am blessed. But still, I truly do think my brain is going to explode. Is that physically possible??

gupsmom · April 2011

1st of all, your not crazy, exhausted YES! With your father being 90 and your mother not in the best of health, do what you have to do! After Dad gets out of rehab tell him he has no choice - either assisted living or home health! I wish I would have done this with my dad. I'm an only child and lived 2 & 1/2 hours away (parents divorced); my Dad became terminal at the age of 59 and I honored his request of no help and have regretted that decision - it will haunt me for my lifetime. He was also stubborn, bullheaded & too proud to take any help whatsoever. What I would give to turn back time and have a do-over. Help most likely wouldn't have prolonged his life but made life easier for him and might have given me some worry free moments.

Your parents may be upset with your decision of putting your foot down, so to speak BUT they are your parents and sometimes we become the parent and they, the children. I know this isn't an easy situation or makes the decisions any less difficult but you will have peace of mind knowing they are getting help. Home health has many options - you can choose to have someone in the home 24/7, to just a couple hours a day even to just prepare meals.
Get some much needed feedback for the social worker today. Have a heart to heart talk with Dad, which I'm sure has been done time & time again but it's always worth another shot. Hang in there!

handfast4me · April 2011

Unfortunately, just telling your parents that they MUST do something may not be enough. You are right on the money with going to the social worker. He or she may advise you that you need a court order to get your folks legally recognized that they aren't making sound decisions, and that you become their legal guardian (sorry, I'm having a senior moment myself, and can't remember what that's called). I was fortunate that when my mom had cancer, and it went to her brain, she had already named my sisters and I, with the help of an attorney, to be her guardians, so we just took over the bill paying, etc.

This is a tough situation. But, if I could give you one piece of unsolicited advice. Please, please, make sure that you're getting respite as their caretakers. It is essential for your emotional and physical well-being. If you don't have siblings that are in a position to assist, and can't afford it, ask local church and other organizations for help. Remember that you won't be helping anyone if you're too exhausted and get sick yourself (which I've seen in too many cases).

Good luck as you move through this journey with your folks--it's a tough one, but you will never regret all the help you give them.

KatyRoseM · April 2011

Get a power of attorney and soon. Its not good for them, obviously, to be in control of their lives. A person with Alzheimer's is not a care taker, ever. Also your son should not be the one dealing with this, its great that he is doing so much for someone his age, but don't make him continue. At some point parents become like children, and you have to do what is best for them even if it makes them mad, you would never hesitate to make your child go to school, or not let them turn on the stove by themselves no matter how made they became. Its horrible that parents end up in the same situation, and its much harder because in your mind they are still your parents and therefore should be able to care for themselves.

We went through this with my grandmother, and it was horrible, but in the end it was what was best for everyone involved.

rapunnzzll · April 2011

Such a tough situation. It seems that some, but definitely not all, take advice of getting help or moving to assisted living when they are told by their doctors/social workers and tell them it's their only option.

I knew something must be going on. I've missed you on the boards. Please take care of yourself. One more reason to be proud of your son, they truly seem to step up when needed the most.

shytownkelly · April 2011

Others have covered the official advice so all I have to add is

((((HUGS)))))

Hang in there!

MikesAngie · April 2011

Lisa, I'm glad to hear that you are going to talk with a social worker. I am sorry however that you are having to deal with this NOW.

Please let us know what you decide, and what advice the social worker has for you. Handfast is right, you will need respite if you are going to remain in the position of care giver.

I know that your dad is stubborn and more than likely taught mules a few things, but I think the system can out stubborn him.

You're in my thoughts!!

RKwedding2011 · April 2011

Your parents are lucky to have you. It must be hard for them to get the services they need. However, they need to. They must have a caregiver at their home or go into assisted living. Change is hard, but if you find a really nice place they can enjoy other couples, fun social events and peace of mind healthcare. Good luck!

Katie

mybooboos · April 2011

Lisa - I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. It's a busy year for you, with your son about to graduate (proms, beach week, graduation party, etc), planning a wedding (too many items to list) and now coping with how to support your parents.

Many of the PP gave you very sound advice: speak with a social worker, get a legal plan in place, get some support for yourself and speak again with your father. If he falls and your mother hurts herself in trying to help him, than no one wins. If he's worried about not being "home" and the confusion a new environment would cause your mother (which you've already seen firsthand), then maybe in-home care is the way to go.

It's wonderful that your FI is now there to assist you in this process, whether physically or emotionally. It's great that your son has stepped up to help out as well, but he may be itching to getting back to enjoying his last 8 weeks of school, and just "being a kid".

Just know that we are hear for you when you need to vent, brainstorm or just need a hug.

Hang in there (and yes, at some point you do need to order your invitations!)

Sue-n-Kevin · April 2011

{{{{HUGS}}}}

THey've all said it. I'd just add that you must have the patience of a saint and also that they are lucky to have you.

Good luck. Come back and vent any time.

Marrin713 · April 2011

Aw Lisa..........my heart goes out to you and your family. It's a huge change when the roles of our lifetime reverse. Keep speaking with the social worker. I hope it works out in assisted living or at least a caretaker. As someone else wrote - an Alzheimer's patient cannot be a caretaker.

I pray your father gets better soon. I'm sure your mother, altho at this point may not know who he is, still misses him.

Lisa50 · April 2011

Thanks, all, for chiming in. Your support is wonderful. I love the freedom of expression allowed on the boards. Although I notice no one actually addressed the possibility of an actual brain explosion. Ba ha ha ha ... See? Sense of humor still (somewhat) intact. *sigh*

Quick update -- today's meeting with the private social worker went well. I have lots of notes to review, tasks on my "to do" list and she has a couple on hers. Preparation for multiple legal maneuvers have already been in the works (prior to this incident), so I feel like I'm on track. As well, she gave me some pointers of language to use with the staff, esp the social worker, at the rehab center.

I will say, though, that assisted living (if they do not have long term care insurance, which I'm still trying to figure out but I don't think so) is ridiculously expensive. We're talking $6K to $12K/month for the two of them, combined. Their retirement income is much more modest than that. They were civil servants in the Federal government. No one ever got rich from that.

I met with several staff members -- individually -- at the rehab center: social worker plus occupational, physical, and speech therapists. We have a family meeting scheduled on Tuesday. Now ... if only my dad could make a half-assed effort at being a good patient/resident. Ugh! He's cranky as hell and not the nicest person to deal with.

I am getting a bit of respite -- not daily, but here and there. My cousin was over today for a couple of hours when I went to a job-search (related) function. My aunt and uncle came over earlier this week for a couple of hours and I went out for lunch. And, one evening earlier this week, one of my life-long friends came over and stayed with her -- they had dinner -- while I went to a networking event. The next trick will be for FI and me to have a date.

For those who expressed concern for my son. Thank you. I am not putting him in the position of caretaker. However, it is impossible to completely shelter him from what is going on. Grandma has moved in for the next three weeks; we don't have a spare wing to close her off from the rest of us. Rest assured, I have never put him in the position of being here with her alone. He's run some errands and, last week when grandpa was in critical/acute condition, he visited him in the hospital.

His school community -- counselors, teachers, the Jesuits -- are a fabulous support network for him (and us). He is fully immersed in the full slate of senior activities -- getting all those acceptance letters, throwing discus and shot put (track meet tomorrow), and getting ready for the spring social season. We're going to buy his tux this weekend -- the one he'll wear for proms, in the wedding and, for orchestra performances when he goes off to college.

This is my life. This is my reality ... and so (as I often say), the beat goes on. Thank you, again and again, for your support. I can feel your positive vibes and it means the world to me.

Sue-n-Kevin · April 2011

This is my life. This is my reality ... and so (as I often say), the beat goes on. Thank you, again and again, for your support. I can feel your positive vibes and it means the world to me.

Awww, you are welcome. I have yet to face the dilemma of parents as ill as yours, but I know it's coming, day by day. My Mom (who luckily doesn't have Alzheimer's...........yet) is feeling flustered and overwhelmed by my Dad's health treatment schedule, which in the opinion of this 50 something daughter IS NOT THAT BAD. Because I often deal with health "stuff" in my job as an insurance consultant, I've offered to attend his appointments with them, which I think I will be doing soon because they are caught up in the health-treatment "circle" of diagnostic tests and treatments for an 85 year old man that is WAAAAY more than he needs.

We are the "sandwich generation", caught between our kids and parents, trying to be everything to both. Isn't going to happen. It sounds as though you are doing a pretty good job of juggling it all, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

hsbstone · April 2011

(((HUGS)))
You are a brave woman, and a good daughter. I am sure that you will get things done despite the delicate situation in what you and your family are now. My thoughts and prayers are with your!

thealphabride · April 2011

Lisa, all the pp have given great advice, so I am here in support. (((hugs)))
I am praying for you and your parents, you are a wonderful daughter.....

Must get this out... or my brain might explode!

Re: Must get this out... or my brain might explode!

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