Usher's Date

akoehler79 · August 2010

So, after some MAJOR discussion with my FI, we decided to ask my brother to be an usher. The issue is: my brother is kind of a dork (to put it nicely) and has this ambition to be a cop, which just isn't his cup of tea. We were concerned that he would try to play "Robocop" and boss the other ushers around. My mom and I sat down with my brother and pretty much told him what he could and couldn't do as an usher and that it was "my" way or no ushering. Yeah, it sounds bridezillaish. Anywho, my brother is a compulsive liar and can never give a straight answer when asked something. No one in the family has ever met any of his "friends" but we've all heard "stories" about the people he hangs with, and most the "stories" come from my brother.

He told me he was going to bring a date, and as soon as I asked him who, he began with being a smart@$$ and said "Paris Hilton"....I finally told him if he wasn't going to tell me who he was planning on bringing, that he wouldn't be allowed to bring anyone. In the end, he finally gave me the name of some girl that is several years younger than him. This girl has A TON of drama, so I told my brother that he can't bring her. I did tell him that he can bring a date, but the person needs to be approved by me - only because he has a history of hanging with some of the worst people in town. What would you do?? Thoughts???

MyNameIsNot · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ushers-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b1f024ae-1f1c-43bc-862e-b8595da18801Post:5e7347e4-b3c6-4cd8-81a6-04b499fe16e9">Usher's Date</a>:
[QUOTE]So, after some MAJOR discussion with my FI, we decided to ask my brother to be an usher. The issue is: my brother is kind of a dork (to put it nicely) and has this ambition to be a cop, which just isn't his cup of tea. We were concerned that he would try to play "Robocop" and boss the other ushers around. My mom and I sat down with my brother and pretty much told him what he could and couldn't do as an usher and that it was "my" way or no ushering. Yeah, it sounds bridezillaish. Anywho, my brother is a compulsive liar and can never give a straight answer when asked something. No one in the family has ever met any of his "friends" but we've all heard "stories" about the people he hangs with, and most the "stories" come from my brother. He told me he was going to bring a date, and as soon as I asked him who, he began with being a smart@$$ and said "Paris Hilton"....I finally told him if he wasn't going to tell me who he was planning on bringing, that he wouldn't be allowed to bring anyone. In the end, he finally gave me the name of some girl that is several years younger than him. This girl has A TON of drama, so I told my brother that he can't bring her. I did tell him that he can bring a date, but the person needs to be approved by me - only because he has a history of hanging with some of the worst people in town. What would you do?? Thoughts???
Posted by akoehler79[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Controlling much?<div>
</div><div>Let your brother bring whomever he wants and get over it. He's the one who has to hang out with her and dance with her all night, not you. You don't get to choose who he decides to bring as his date. </div></div>
</div>

jagore08 · August 2010

Thoughts?

You're acting like his mother and are being very controlling. How old is he? If you were concerned about the people he hangs out with then you shouldn't have offered him to bring a date.

skippylouwho · August 2010

He's a compuslive liar and wants to be a cop?

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Are you insisting that all your other guests clear their plus ones with you? Let it go. Jeez a pete, you don't get to control everything about the wedding.

quotequeen · August 2010

If you allow somebody to bring a guest you don't get veto power over who that guest is. That's not how it works, and will only serve to make everybody talk behind your back about how big of a bridezilla you are.

MairePoppy · August 2010

You are being pretty rude to your brother. You and your mom are treating him like he is a little kid. You should trust that he can walk guests to their seats without detailed instructions. Maybe if you treated him like he is trustworthy, he might try to live up to those expectations.

Ditto everyone else on the date. You gave him a plus one. He gets to pick his own date.

trix1223 · August 2010

You're micromanaging your brother. Unless you're going to prescreen all +1's of guests, you can't do that to your brother.

And I do have to add, that on wedding day, you need do nothing more than say a cordial "Thank you for coming". You won't be seeing or interacting with her throughout the wedding. You'll be pulled in so many directions on your wedding day that those who don't really want to see, you don't have to see.

mbcdefg · August 2010

You're making this entirely more difficult than it needs to be. He may not be mature, but you bossing him around and demanding all these details from him is just egging him on.

And his date needs to be "approved by you"? Give me a break. If the date starts a fight in the middle of the reception, by all means have her escorted out, but other than that just butt out. If you're spending your wedding date concentrating on him and his date, rather than having fun and spending time with your other friends and guests, then that's just sad.

megk8oz · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ushers-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b1f024ae-1f1c-43bc-862e-b8595da18801Post:5e7347e4-b3c6-4cd8-81a6-04b499fe16e9">Usher's Date</a>:
[QUOTE]What would you do??
Posted by akoehler79[/QUOTE]

Let my brother bring whomever he wanted as a date.

Unless your dad was/is like the President of the United States and <span style="font-weight:bold;">all</span> of your guests need to pass a background check with the Secret Service in order to attend, then really, "screening" your brother's date choices is just plain silly. And also incredibly bridezilla-ish.

banana468 · August 2010

I think you're really micromanaging here and getting out of line.

I had my own sets of concerns about who my brother brought as his date but only requested that the person be female. No one needed to "meet my approval"

akoehler79 · August 2010

I knew this would be the response that I would get. I'm not offended, but I see where you all are coming from. My brother just has a history of hanging with people that aren't exactly the best crew to hang with. And like I previously said, he is always secretive and can't ever give a straight-up answer when asked a question. He's always gotta be a smart@$$ about it. And he acts like a kid, and does what he wants, regardless of the advice he asks of from others. Its not just me and mom that have offered our advice when he's came to us, but other family members. I just don't want him to bring somene like he brought to my grandma's birthday party . . . the girl couldn't have looked anymore like a prostitute. I think those that truly know my brother would side with me on this one.

mbcdefg · August 2010

If she dresses like a prostitute, then he and she will look like the fools. Not you. Nobody in their right mind would hold you responsible for her attire. THey won't say, "Why did Bride allow her brother to bring her?" They will say, "Why would Brother date a trashy girl like that?" or "Why would that girl dress like a tramp?"

Again - if she causes a scene, have her escorted out. Otherwise, just ignore them. I am telling you - on your wedding day, you will not have the time to pay attention to people you LIKE, let alone the people you do not like.

Just stop micromanaging here. Really. You don't have to be in total control of this situation, because (a) you won't be, no matter how hard you try, so why waste your time? and (b) you're making it a MUCH bigger deal than it needs to be by worrying about this.

banana468 · August 2010

Ditto malphabet.

If your mom wants to talk to him on a parent to child level about "the company that he keeps" it's one thing.

But to micromanage his date is not OK.

I'll agree that if he brings a trampy person to the wedding then that's annoying - but it's more annoying in the, "What a shame that my brother doesn't get that he's not acting smart." It isn't a, "What a shame the wedding is ruined because the date doesn't get it."

Just say, "I need the name of your date." and be done with it.

Beyond that, if people are having issues with your brother's actions, those are issues with your brother - not the wedding.

trix1223 · August 2010

It really sounds like you had your mind made up before you ever posted here. Every single response you got was to let this go. And it doesn't sound like you're going to. I'm sorry you didn't get the validation you wanted, but your follow up didn't change my mind at all.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

Malphabet is wise. This is something you can't control. Stop trying to, and you'll be happier.

deepcovejackie · August 2010

Yes, you're out of line.

If you had already decided what posters would say, and that you weren't going to listen, why did you ask?

NikkiPSU · August 2010

I don't think you're out of line. I told my brother the same thing... I get veto power! This is only because he will do anything to get under my skin including bringing someone to my wedding that I hate. Luckily for me the girl I was concerned about him bringing will not be coming because he now has a new girlfriend. But I know exactly how you feel and it is a hard situation to be in.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Then why post on here if you already decided that you are in the right?

It's not okay to micromanage someone's date. If he brings someone who looks like a hooker, who cares? Don't include her in the family photos. You don't have to see her any more than you want to. You're in the wrong. Nikki too.

You may be the bride but that does not mean you get to control every single aspect of the wedding. It doesn't work that way.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

If you want to specify who a person can bring as their date, you put that person's name on the envelope. But if you said "you get a guest" then it's not your decision who they bring, regardless of what kind of company your brother keeps.

CTGirl30 · August 2010

Looks like you anticipated what people were going to say but still plan on going ahead and micromanaging whom your brother chooses to bring as a date. Not sure what the point of your original post + followup was then...

Anyway, good luck planning and please try to keep in mind that you cannot control everything in life and who he brings is not a reflection on you - it's a reflection on him.

ginaec27 · August 2010

I feel like it's YOUR wedding and NO ONE else's and if YOU don't want to share YOUR special date with someone else, then don't. It's a private affair. Your friends and family need to respect that. It's all about the bride and the groom, not them. They need to set aside their feelings for one day and deal with it.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ushers-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b1f024ae-1f1c-43bc-862e-b8595da18801Post:651054ef-bce8-4213-9d9d-a4e35bf12650">Re: Usher's Date</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like it's YOUR wedding and NO ONE else's and if YOU don't want to share YOUR special date with someone else, then don't. It's a private affair. Your friends and family need to respect that. It's all about the bride and the groom, not them. They need to set aside their feelings for one day and deal with it.
Posted by ginaec27[/QUOTE]
Nononononononononono. This is terrible advice. Don't give terrible advice.

deb84 · August 2010

Let you brother bring a date of HIS OWN choosing. You DO NOT GET VETO POWER. If she causes a scene have a her escorted from the ceremony or reception location. That is really all you can do. She will not be in any of the wedding pictures and what she wears is in no way a reflection of you, your FI or your wedding. Take a deep breath and MOVE ON.

emilykathleen511 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ushers-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b1f024ae-1f1c-43bc-862e-b8595da18801Post:651054ef-bce8-4213-9d9d-a4e35bf12650">Re: Usher's Date</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like it's YOUR wedding and NO ONE else's and if YOU don't want to share YOUR special date with someone else, then don't. It's a private affair. Your friends and family need to respect that. It's all about the bride and the groom, not them. They need to set aside their feelings for one day and deal with it.
Posted by ginaec27[/QUOTE]

<div>Umm, aren't you forgetting something? Your FI is also getting married. And the second you invite other people to share in your day, it stops being only your day because you are sharing it with those you invited. Sharing the day means it's not <em>all about you.</em> And you will just have to deal with that.</div>

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

Gina, you might find this an enlightening read: http://www.slate.com/id/2167299/

Haylie04 · August 2010

So the OP is only allowed to post a question if she's going to follow what everyone says? I think it should be more than fine to ask a question, get answers, and decide to do your own thing. It's her wedding, not any of ours! It's fine to disagree with her, which in fact I do, but the rudeness is uncalled for, really. It's fine to want feedback or to vent, I say!

OP, I wouldn't worry about his date. If it upsets you, then think about if it's something that really truly matters and is worth causing family issues over. At the end of the day, no matter who your brother brings, you and the man you love will be married. In the long run, the only effect she'll have is being in possibly a picture or two, which will give you full license to tease your brother about the bad choices he used to make!

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