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poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?

*Barbie**Barbie* member
Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
I was talking to my mom yesterday, and she asked if I had heard about / saw pictures of the guy that my 24yo sister is dating. She hasn't met him yet, but thinks he might be a "weirdo" that's not good enough for my sister. 

Sister has a BS in Civil Engineering, has been working full time for the last year and a half, and is going to school at night for her MS CivE. 

This is what my mom has issues with - are any of these dealbreakers for you / or if your kid brought someone home with these features:



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Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?

  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Smoking is a dealbreaker. The others I'm fine with.
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    While I understand intellectually that lip ring, ears gaged, full sleeve tattoos do not automatically make someone a questionable character, stereotypes do exist for a reason, and I'd have a really hard time with those, especially all 3 in one person.

    The smoking is a dealbreaker for me, though, even if the guy was a freaking Rhodes scholar in a Brooks Brothers suit.

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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    for me, the real dealbreaker is smoking. I wouldn't date a smoker. 

    I think it's great that he has a job - but I think the real question in the long term is what ambition does he have - is this a step towards getting a mechanical/automotive engineering degree, does he want to eventually open his own shop, or does he plan to work for Goodyear forever, etc. 
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The ears and the smoking are dealbreakers for me. I'm not totally against tattoos, and lip piercings will close up, but I think with the combination of all of the above I wouldn't give the guy a second look let alone go out with him.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    None of these are dealbreakers, because none of them have to do with character. (No, not even smoking. It is possible to be a decent human being and a smoker, despite current cultural zeitgeist.) 

    As long as Bacon's partner treats her well and she's happy, I don't really give a sht. 
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Wait - I take it back. S/he can treat Bacon like royalty, but if they're a Fundamentalist of any stripe or think that imposing their moral code on someone else is a good idea, I'm giving hefty side-eyes and probably won't be very welcoming. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I hate to say it but the lip ring, ears, and being heavily tattooed would make me not even consider a guy as a partner, even if he was a great guy. Smoking is a najor turnoff, and I found out DH smoked after our 4th date or so (more of a social smoker). I told him either he quits or I walk, as I have bad asthma and can't be around smoke. Obviously, he quit.
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:2bb6b0e9-748f-46ac-8ee0-4352c31612dd">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]None of these are dealbreakers, because none of them have to do with character. (No, not even smoking. It is possible to be a decent human being and a smoker, despite current cultural zeitgeist.)  As long as Bacon's partner treats her well and she's happy, I don't really give a sht. 
    Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]


    I believe you can be a good person and be a smoker.  And I give passes to anyone older than I am, because I believe it's a physical addiction they got before the dangers of smoking were widely known. 

    But I do think  anyone currently under the age of 30 who smokes is just stupid.  And even if they're reformed stupid, that won't make it any easier when you have to take care of them through their self-inflicted lung disease and leave you alone for the last 20 or 30 years of your life (or more).  Never mind the lung issues you'll have to deal with b/c of secondhand smoke.

    That's why smoking is a dealbreaker for me.

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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Make 'em smoke outside - no secondhand nuthin. I've never smoked inside my own home, FTR - and I was a pack-a-day-plus smoker. 

    And frankly? Knowing that it'll be lung crap would be preferable, IMO, to the crapshoot that is regular life. Unfortunately, it's still a crapshoot, so what the hell. What's a little joy in life in the face of that? 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:dfc612f5-ec0e-4cc8-bd11-2112523b0245">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ditto bmom, <strong>none of the above indicated his character</strong>. do a quick google search to see if he's mentioned in any local police blotter. that will tell you more than his tattoos will.
    Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]
     I'm with you guys on that. I told her that the piercings could be removed and tattoos could be covered if he ever wanted to work in a more "professional" environment - I think lip rings can be hot on the right guy and my ears used to be an 8G, so i'm not really the person to ask about that stuff - DH doesn't have any piercings or tattoos, but it wouldn't bother me if her got them - they just wouldn't look right on him. <div>
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it's a character flaw, I just don't like making out with ash trays. Also, it's an expensive habit.
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  • arbolitaarbolita
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Smoking is a deal-breaker for me.  I have pretty bad asthma and I grew up volunteering for the American Lung Association.  Mr. Arb actually quit smoking after we started dating because he knew I didn't like it, and I was devastated when he started again two years later.  It was the primary source of our fights for a long time.
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:37d1156d-94db-4c10-a9d8-12fe3042f57b">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Smoking is a deal-breaker for me.  I have pretty bad asthma and I grew up volunteering for the American Lung Association.  Mr. Arb actually quit smoking after we started dating because he knew I didn't like it, and I was devastated when he started again two years later.  It was the primary source of our fights for a long time.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]


    Does he still smoke?
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My dad smokes outside.  He smoked inside for many years, of course, but he's smoked outside only for probably 8 or 10 years now.

    2 weeks after my  mom came up (alone) to see Dex, I could still smell smoke on the guest bed comforter. 

    The smell/tar residue got from my dad (smoking outside) onto his clothes, onto her clothes, into her car, through a 1000  mile drive to STL, onto our sheets and comforter and was still there after 2 weeks of airing out. 

    My hair will have smoke smell in it through 3 or 4 washings after I go home to visit.  It's incredibly pervasive.

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  • arbolitaarbolita
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:4037030e-9920-40ad-a68a-acbb78e2c02e">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you? : Does he still smoke?
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

    Not at the moment - he's been on Chantix for about two months and this weekend will be 6 weeks since he's had a cigarette.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    No one's ever complained that I smell like smoke, and H smokes outside. Though he only has one, maybe two cigs a day, so maybe that makes a difference. 

    I will say that I tend to believe the old canard about how nicotine is more addictive than heroin. It's really, really hard to quit - I went cold turkey and ended up depressed for months, waiting for my brain chemistry to realign itself. 
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Good for him, arb! I know it's hard for people. Bff is trying to quit. FI is an ex-smoker. His motivation? The cost.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    The sleeves and the ear gages would be my dealbreakers.  That to me says you don't have much ambition for your longterm future.  The lip ring can come out easily, but the other two can't be hidden.

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  • arbolitaarbolita
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:904ce1c6-e1f1-4887-a682-28d7f4d2e585">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good for him, arb! I know it's hard for people. Bff is trying to quit. FI is an ex-smoker. His motivation? The cost.
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]


    Yeah, I found out he was up to a pack a day after we merged our accounts and saw just how much money he was spending on it.

    And I agree with BMom that nicotine/smoking are much harder to quit than harder drugs.  Not just because of the addictiveness of the substance, but because it is legal, and many people's brains associate smoking with certain people/places/times of day.  It's just a lot easier to act on impulsively.
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  • awesome-sauceawesome-sauce member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:a21a912f-9ed0-421c-90ec-6d5475f734a3">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you? : Not at the moment - he's been on Chantix for about two months and this weekend will be 6 weeks since he's had a cigarette.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

    Arb, I used Chantix. Worked for me :)
    .
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  • Paulo's Menina BelaPaulo's Menina Bela member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Lip rings and gaged ears are deal breakers. I don't automatically assume that people with these things are bad, but I do think it's juvenile. That whole ear stretching thing is just silly to me. I saw at 30-something guy at target the other day with tattoos, piercings, and gaged ears. The first thought that came to my mind was that it was time for him to grow up. I might not have thought that if it weren't for the ugly holes in his ears.
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  • Paulo's Menina BelaPaulo's Menina Bela member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Also, my H is a welder. So, I'd give a hearty side-eye to anyone who had a problem with a person being a mechanic. A mechanic might not be a great intellectual, but that doesn't mean he's totally lacking intelligence, has poor character, or isn't hardworking.
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  • zsazsa-stlzsazsa-stl member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If he wants to engage in a habit that harms his health and is fully aware of the risk, he can.  But I agree with DG about the smell.  It makes it hard to spend time together/have them stay at hour house/etc.

    I wish someone in my family could have married a mechanic.  Those guys come in way too handy to be shunning them for not wearing a tie to work.
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  • Cat24Cat24 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    None of the above are dealbreakers for me. Lieing/cheating/hitting...those are deal breakers but as an ex smoker with tattoos.....I say live and let live, if it doesn't float your boat, don't push off from shore :)
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I don't think a guy has to be a bad person in order for me to not date him.  And yes, every single thing that I've seen in this thread (holes in the face, tattoos, smoking) would be a dealbreaker for me in that I wouldn't hav accepted a first date.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I should also say, I was reading this as "are these dealbreakers if your kid came home with him", like Barbie's mom. 

    Me, personally? I don't like tats or piercings on a guy - I won't even date a longhair, because I just don't find it attractive. But I wouldn't bat an eye if Bacon came home with someone like this. 
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  • LauriacLauriac
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can't deal with gauges. I don't know why, but they make me nauseas. I don't judge people that have them; they can do whatever they want with their bodies.

    Smoking is also a deal breaker. I'm okay with once every so often, mostly because I still grab a cigarette once in awhile. (Twice in the past year). But even when I smoked regularly, the smell drove me insane.
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  • christyran1228christyran1228
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_poll-of-dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f6bcd55c-c668-4b1b-959f-4b5f7c9eee49Post:a21a912f-9ed0-421c-90ec-6d5475f734a3">Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: poll - any of these dealbreakers for you? : Not at the moment - he's been on Chantix for about two months and this weekend will be 6 weeks since he's had a cigarette.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]


    Chantix was very successful for me ... next month will be 3 years quit for me.  I had smoked for almost 25 years, but now the smell of smoke makes me gag.  I hope it works as well for him!

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