Community› Local Wedding Boards› Ohio-Columbus
Ohio-Columbus
New Discussion
Options

Opinion Question: Groom's family 3 times as big as Bride's

kdayweddingkdaywedding
First Comment
in Ohio-Columbus
I'm asking this question on behalf of my friend who is also getting married next year. She hasn't gotten too involved in the boards yet, but I thought you ladies might have some good advice regarding her predicament because i'm stumped!

My friend would like her wedding to be medium sized. She assumed it would be around 200 people--100 each side.

Well her FI is well known in a small town. They're family is big and their group of friends and family friends is even bigger. Her FI's list of people he wants to invite is upward of 300 people!

His parents have offered to help pay for the wedding considering how many people it might be.

The problem is that she would still like the wedding to be a little more intimate and versus a huge event where she doesn't know half of the people there.

What do you guys think? Is there a way for them to compromise?
image

My Ovulation Chart

Report Reply to Post

Re: Opinion Question: Groom's family 3 times as big as Bride's

  • Options
    GApeachOHGApeachOH
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do you have a wedding budget? 400+ is going to be upwards of $15,000 or more.

    I think FI needs to go through every person and rate them 1-10. 1 being least and 10 being most. And rate each person 1-10. Knock off the 1-6 and only keep 7-10.
    If he refuses to do that, then I would get estimates for the caterer, typically on the cheap side, it's $25 pp plus at least 18% gratuity. So, assuming the list is 400, that's already $10,000 in food alone. Not including the tips.
    Paper products, invites, STD's, etc, will be in the $1000's too. Not to mention postage will be awful.

    Can he afford that? Can FI's parents afford that? Also, get a set-in-stone amount parents are willing to donate. If you are really uncomfortable with it, just let the overall shock of getting married wear off for a while.
    When is the date for your day?
    Offer a counter-offer to him.Tell him if he gets 300+ you want a certain thing, like him to pay for the designer wedding dress. Or, that you only want to invite your closest friends and family but that wedding announcements can be sent to everyone and their brothers.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit Columbus.Weddings.com
    My Planning Bio with For Sale Knotties love Columbus
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AjoydAjoyd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow. If my wedding were going to be 3:1 people I don't know versus people I do know I would be VERY uncomfortable with that! I would encourage compromise. Given that his parents have offered to help pay, which is nice, perhaps they could still cut their list back. Peach's ranking system above is an efficient way to do that. If your friend is inviting 100 of her own family and friends, he could at least try to cut down to 150 or 200 max from his side. It is really impoortant for your friend and her FI to have a conversation about what they both want and find a way to meet in the middle.

    Cost is definitely also a factor. Peach mentioned that her estimate above is on the lower side of the cost range and doesn't factor in alcohol. I don't know what your friend is planning but our bar package is $20 pp. A four hundred person wedding could easily cost upwards of $30K.
    Married my love 8-25-12 TTC #1 since September 2012. BFP 2-2-13. photo 455d4bc3-3623-4c16-8dd1-1fbc7e99e147.jpg BabyFruit Ticker My BFP Chart
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kdayweddingkdaywedding
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the rating system! I think that's brilliant. I'll be sure to share with her. Thanks!!

    I told her the key was compromise. She said they've discussed and he certainly understands where she's coming from and how she feels. From his perspective he feels that he will upset family or friends if he doesn't include all of them.

    I personally can't even fathom the cost for that many people. i get mild anxiety when I think about just 200 people. :)
    image

    My Ovulation Chart

    Report Reply
  • Options
    megan888megan888
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    where is the wedding? what about having 2 receptions? They coudl have the small intimate one and then another more casual one in the hometown that includes all those people. Kind of like a destination wedding.

    If not, rating system sounds great. :)
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jnkreagerjnkreager member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Future BIL and future SIL are getting married in a couple of weeks, and they had a similar situation.  She wanted a super-intimate affair (30 people), but that was not possible because FH and future BIL have a huge family.  They compromised by only inviting close family (no great aunts, for example) and limiting the number of friends he could invite so their guest list is around 60 now.  To be honest though, I thought she was kind of (super?) rude because she heavily implied that future BIL should simply not invite some of his family in order to meet her vision.

    But here it seems like the roles are reversed.  Your friend's FH should meet her halfway and take what she wants into account too--not simply what he (or his mom) have always envisioned.  The ranking thing is a good idea or she could give him an overall number that is not too crazy (200 people?) and tell him to fill it up however he chooses.

    Also, this is just a little thing, but I would be sad if I looked out at the ceremony and my side looked empty whereas FH's side was packed.  I did a quick search and found a cute solution though...you could have a sign that read, "Today two familys become one so no need to pick a side, simply pick a seat." Although I am sure that is the least of her worries...
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kdayweddingkdaywedding
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    They're thinking of having the wedding at his family's farm. i really think i'll suggest the ranking thing. I think that might help to make it a good compromise and then they're really thinking about who would mean the most to have at their wedding versus how many people they know.

    jnkreager: Love the idea about the two family's joining into one. I think that i'll use that at my wedding! : ) My FI is a firefighter--works in one department and then volunteers at another so he'll def have more people "on his side" with needing to invite the other FF's. We agreed early on that we wouldn't make people pick a side because of the lop-sidedness.
    image

    My Ovulation Chart

    Report Reply
  • Options
    AjoydAjoyd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We too will have a difference in numbers. We are not having people sit on certain sides either--I've never liked that anyway.
    Married my love 8-25-12 TTC #1 since September 2012. BFP 2-2-13. photo 455d4bc3-3623-4c16-8dd1-1fbc7e99e147.jpg BabyFruit Ticker My BFP Chart
    Report Reply
  • Options
    tiffanydanielstiffanydaniels
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Explain the cost breakdown to him, that is what I did my FI was trying to invite friends that he has not spoken to since high school, 7 years ago. I mean really!?! I was like do you want to pay an extra 100+ for someone to come who you barely speak to. And then he backed down, we are also going to rate our guests, it sounds awful, but our guest list is at 240 and we want to have a backyard BBQ, well there is no way 240 people will fit in a backyard (unless you have land) which we won't. 

    Good luck
    Wedding Countdown Ticker ****Planning Bio: Updated 10/17/11****
    Report Reply
  • Options
    JelennyJelenny
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Throwing in my two cents....when we first started planning BEFORE we looked at venues I knew full well they would ask: when, how many.

    I asked for a list from each of the parents telling them we would do our best to accommodate.  DH parents never made a list they told us about 80.  ::insert eye roll here:: my parents gave me a list of 60 very few friends, mainly family.  We were aiming on inviting 175 so that gave us (DH and I) 35 people to plan on inviting...ok.  Well.......THEN the list came from his parent.  161 people.  I wanted to KILL someone.

    Mind you they already had told MOST of these people and we had already booked a hall based on the size of the wedding we THOUGHT we were going to get.  So yeah his family had more than half the guest list and while my wedding was ah-mazing, leading up there was a lot of hurt feelings.  (I should add we split the cost 3 ways)  And I felt like I was always giving in to things because ::duh:: HIS parents had the majority and they wanted the wedding they felt their guests would want - not what DH and I wanted.

    So think about that too....everything ended up working well but in my case DH and I had to cut friends out that we REALLY wanted there and it turned up that we had about half the people NOT come, but you have to plan on them attending (ILs said NO to announcements it HAD to be an invite) so yeah fun times.
    imageimage

    Sept 2011 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Ceremony Photo Anniversary

    ~~Planning~~

    ~~FOR SALE~~
    Report Reply
  • Options
    amcollins32amcollins32 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is kind of similar to the rating system...but i read on a blog once that you should create different invitation lists...A, B and C.

    Invite all your A's first...and then invite some B's after the A'd decline....and then after B's start declining, you invite your C's.  This seemed a little intense for me, but for someone like your friend, it might work!  Good luck!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards