Scared it wont work out again,

veteranmom · March 2011

Ok so my last marriage and divorce was a wreck, it last a long time (7 yrs) but he had several affairs and then PROMISED he wouldn't do it again and he was a habitual lier..still is. So now I'm back with the guy I was dating before my ex husband, he's a great guy soooo not like my ex but I'm still scared. The only reason my me and the guy I'm with broke up years ago was because I wasn't ready to settle down, I was only 19. We have kept in touch this whole time and he's a real family guy, I'm just so scared to start all over just to have someone smash my life to bits again. I think this guy will but then again I didn't think my last guy would either. I guess my question is has any one had any luck with their second chance at true love?
I really love the guy I'm with, I'm just still holding back so I don't get hurt again.

2dBride · March 2011

I think this is pretty much universal in second marriages. I knew my ex-husband for seven years before we got married. Twenty years later, he divorced me. And I've had my times of thinking that I was never going to be able to feel confident about anyone again. After all, it wasn't like I could say, "Well, I would have been ok if I just hadn't rushed into things."

And of course, your question is ultimately unanswerable. Even someone who is in a happy second marriage can't ever say that things won't go bad in the future.

So just go easy on yourself. It will probably take you some extra time to trust him, given your prior experience. But that doesn't mean you have to give up. Over time, you will see all the ways that he is in fact different from your ex.

FWIW, I have now been ten years with my second chance at true love, and I feel confident that I made the right choice.

handfast4me · March 2011

I think you're wise to recognize the issues in a second marriage--truthfully, the odds aren't with us. But theyr'e not 100% on the first marriage either! There are several women that I've met through this board (I've been on since 2006), who have married and are now divorced again. It's very sad, but it's a fact.

And then there those of us here--I believe the majority, but I don't have actual numbers to back it up, that have gotten remarried and are happy, and looking forward to the rest of our lives with our current spouse.

However, I think it's a good idea to pause, take some time to yourself between relationships, and figure out how that first marriage came to be. My first husband had many issues, and after a 17 year marriage, we finally seperated and then divorced. It took me a lot of soul searching to figure out how I contributed to the break-up of the marriage. Although he did some of the things you describe above, I realized that I wasn't totally innocent either.

As women, sometimes we've been raised in a culture that gives us the impression that if we're not with a partner, we're nothing. I would not want that to dictate to you that you MUST run out and marry someone else. Take your time, and figure out if this is really the guy for you. And of course, those around you, such as family and friends MAY (but not always) be helpful as barometers for this guy.

Good luck!

right1thistime · March 2011

The BEST thing I did after my divorce was to spend some time in counseling asking the "why did this happen?" question. Not so much, why did he do what he did, but why did I ignore the waving red banners and give him so many second/third/eighty-third chances. I learned a lot about myself and how to not make the same mistakes (or different, but parallel ones) again.

The second best thing was to get talking with folks on this board. Read the "It's Normal" post above for some of that wisdom. I learned to not punish the man I am with today for the mistakes of my xH. ~Donna

Lisa50 · March 2011

Being scared is normal. There is no problem in waiting to be more certain, if you have doubts. We are not children, so trust is not always automatic. It is earned. Give yourself a break and feel confident in yourself. Do you trust your judgement? That's really the question. I wish you all the best!

tropical.dreams · March 2011

Totally normal, because there are NO guarantees that ANY marriage will work out, first, second, or tenth. Only you know your relationship and yourself enough to know whether you should do it again, though.

I've been doing my fair share of flipping out, too, because not only will I be getting married and inheriting 2 stepkids, but I'll also be giving up my job and moving halfway across the country. I wonder, what if it doesn't work out? I'll be stuck there, and have given up a great job so I'd have to start over completely.

But, the way I look at it is, if I don't do it, I'm GUARANTEED to fail. At least if I try, I have a chance at success.

rapunnzzll · March 2011

Being scared is something that happens to most of us I think. Only you can decide if you are willing to take the chance. One of the most important is not to judge the person you are with by anyone who came before him. Don't be too hard on yourself.

MikesAngie · March 2011

Being scared is totally normal...

Before my FI and I were engaged I made an almost 1000 mile move - into his house. I was second guessing everything but it was the right move (in so many ways) for me.

As our wedding day approaches, I find that I'm not second guessing him at all... Of course I'm second guessing my gown, shoes and other wedding related stuff. The man I have no doubts about.

AbbeyS2011 · March 2011

Well said ladies - all of it.

It is OK to be scared - there are no guarantees in life.

Please do not listen to those who may say "Oh the chances are....statistics show...."about second marriages.

Your new man sounds like a winner, and you are not the first to be reunited with a past lover on this board. I say, take the chance you have now to be happy again with the man you are destined to be with.

veteranmom · March 2011

Thank you soooo much for all the advice and comments, I really aprreciate it. I think the soul searching this is the best thing I did when I got divorced, I feel like I'm not the same person I was and others notice it too. I think no matter who did something wrong in a marriage you can always learn from it, I know he did what he did to me b/c I let him and I could have been more attentive to him and encouraging. Lucky for my new guy b/c now he benefits from all things I fixed. I'm OCD and now on meds for it, and that seems to help me not wig out on the little things in life that dont really matter and see the big picture. Again thank you all.

ichellemay1 · March 2011

Read the "It's Normal" stickied at the top of the forum. It has been a real help to me.

Scared it wont work out again,

Re: Scared it wont work out again,

Choose Another Board

Search Boards